Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Cheating with Escorts

Topic is Sleeping.
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I have a 2 month old baby at home and have just found out that the entire time that I was pregnant with our second child my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. I had the hardest pregnancy and the hardest time even after she was born with depression and anxiety and to top off everything my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes and claims that he has given his life to God and will never do it again. Where was God when he was sleeping with them, where was his remorse. Not only did he not tell me, even after I got evidence he still continued to lie and say he didn’t remember. Every piece of information that I found was the only thing he admitted to. I have kicked him out our home but I still feel empty, not understanding what I ever did to deserve any of this. I am a good woman, who decided to marry a man who sleeps with prostitutes what is wrong with me. I am sick to my stomach of disgust, pain, and agony. Just hoping I can even make it out the bed tomorrow without visuals of his infidelity in my head.

[This message edited by FeelingNumb06 at 5:08 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8670710
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 11:28 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I have a 2 month old baby at home and have just found out that the entire time that I was pregnant with our second child my husband was sleeping with prostitutes.

I am so sorry, that is awful.

Not only did he not tell me, even after I got evidence he still continued to lie and say he didn’t remember. Every piece of information that I found was the only thing he admitted to.

I had a similar experience – sure does kill any respect you have left for them!

I have kicked him out our home but I still feel empty, not understanding what I ever did to deserve any of this.

NOTHING

I am a good woman, who decided to marry a man who sleeps with prostitutes what is wrong with me.

AGAIN – NOTHING. He didn’t tell you he was going to do this. You didn’t get to make a decision with all of the information.

I am sick to my stomach of disgust, pain, and agony. Just hoping I can even make it out the bed tomorrow without visuals of his infidelity in my head.

I am so sorry. Take each day at a time. You are going to be ok, I am so sorry for all of the pain you feel.

Have you been tested for STDs? If not that is ASAP urgent. Do you have family or friends to help you through this time? Can someone help you with the baby? Sleep is important and so is good nutrition.

You are going to be ok and get through this. Kicking him out was a great start. Therapy is helping me a lot. Getting outdoors is helping me a lot. Focus on YOU. Only you. The better you are doing the better you can take care of the baby. Your body is still healing from childbirth. I am sorry you have to deal with this during this time in your life. You were strong to kick him out. Lean on people here but also in real life. Let people help you with the baby so you can sleep and lean on people emotionally, too.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8670716
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Thanks for the encouraging words, I have not gotten tested yet but soon enough I plan on it. I have told like one close friend of mine but other than that I haven’t shared with my family members what is going on. I have a therapist but I have only been able to talk to her once and I feel like I need her daily to keep my sanity. This sucks. It hurts. And I don’t know where to even begin to pick up the pieces of my life.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8670741
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 1:26 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I haven't told a lot of people, either, but it has helped me. I have only told one family member, because my family isn't great in times of crisis. I do wish I had a closer family during times like this. I also felt in the early days like I needed daily therapy. Read here if it helps you. Some days it might be triggering.

If your therapist is good stay with them. If not, look for someone that specializes in betrayal trauma or specifically look up therapy for partners of sex addicts.

I know sex addicts is odd to hear and say but many that use sex workers are addicts & some of the information you can look up on sex addiction specifically can help you.

There is a thread in "I Can Relate" for partners of sex addicts and I think there is also one for emotionless infidelity.

Most of the people that post here seem to have had partners that had more traditional affairs with emotions or some sort of relationship. But there is still a lot that is the same as situations likes ours.

Know that things will get better. You are early in this. You probably feel very shocked and disoriented. Be kind with yourself. You aren't a fool for not knowing. There is nothing lacking in you that he had to find someplace else. There is something lacking in him that he needs lots of help to work through.

The kind of common knowledge things here are:

You didn't cause this to happen

You couldn't have prevented it

You DID NOT DESERVE IT

Keep posting & reading. Drink plenty of water, eat healthy food, sleep as much as you possibly can. Reach out for help when you need it.

Hugs to you, you are going to make it.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8670747
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 4:01 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I will definitely look into those suggestions. What did you end up doing in your marriage? Did you leave your partner or try to work it out? Did you guys have children together? How did/are you making it through this?

I’m so glad to be able to talk through this with someone who has shared a similar situation, it’s been hard not telling my family what’s going on.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8670778
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SassyAndSweet ( New Member #78966) posted at 4:05 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Hi,

i totally understand what you are going through and im proud of you for having the courage to kick him out.

I caught my partner cheating with escorts over a year ago and he had been doing it for years and im still with him :( He still hasnt admitted he done it although i have over 100 pages of evidence and phone records.

I still cry everyday/night,im sick with nausea every day i still have images in my head of the things i read,i struggle at work everyday ,i cant concentrate.

He apologized for catching him out trying to log into a local brothel/escort sex online site and he told me he was only looking at pictures blah blah blah.

Its not easy but you did the first big step of kicking him out,your stronger than what i am.

Your soooooo brave.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2021
id 8670780
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minusone ( Member #50175) posted at 12:29 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Please use the resources of this site to help you navigate the horrible road of infidelity. Go to the Healing Library and start to read. The Tactical Primer is on the top of this forum.

Make sure you take care of YOURSELF.....eat, try to sleep, stay hydrated and fine IRL support.

Remember you did nothing to deserve this. Get all your ducks in a row and take one day at a time. You will survive. It’s heartbreaking work (((FellingNumb))).

Sending you strength.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8353   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8670837
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

What did you end up doing in your marriage? Did you leave your partner or try to work it out? Did you guys have children together? How did/are you making it through this?

I found out in January of this year. We are somewhat trying to work things out right now but I don't think it is going to work out. I am in therapy and my therapist and I decided I need to put a date on the calendar to make a decision. I will probably make that the end of July.

My WS is in therapy with a sex addiction therapist and he has been working through his issues. He wrote me a full disclosure of all that he did. We have a polygraph exam tomorrow to confirm it was all true. This is not the life I ever imagined or wanted for myself.

We do not have children together, I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and he has been in their lives for 10 years.

As far as how to get through this, I feel much better when I focus on MYSELF. When I think about the steps I am working on to free myself, when I focus on what I need to do to heal, etc. Focusing on him is stressful and out of my control.

My WS hasn't acted out anymore. But I worry for the future. But the biggest thing that is keeping me from wanting to work things out is that he does this all the hard way. He lied and lied and lied about how far things went, causing me so much trauma. And then he doesn't do what I need until I have a tantrum.

Someone messed up enough to cheat is probably messed up enough to make the reconciliation process very difficult. Not intentionally, but because they are truly just messed up and have these emotional walls up that they have had for a long long time. My WS desperately wants to fix things but he is probably just incapable of being what I need.

In the beginning I sobbed all the time. Then I was insecure and clingy once he started doing the right things. I just kept thinking "he has the same face as this man I love but he is not that man". Then I was pissed and irritated. Now I am pretty numb. I don't feel much when I see him. I feel pretty indifferent to him. Sometimes he annoys me, but mostly I just feel nothing for him right now. Not sure if that will ever change.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8670889
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 5:01 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Hugs to you FeelingNumb06. I hope you surround yourself with a solid support group . The one friend is good however having a newborn at home and healing from childbirth I just fear for you and the children that you may need more people as a resource of emotional support. Childbirth leaves a person extremely vulnerable in this and there can be the added extra with the change in your hormones for the coming months. What your body is going through after childbirth lends a complicated layer to an already difficult and traumatizing situation. If necessary may need to look for a specialist who knows how to navigate this. Lately I have come to really appreciate the indepth knowledge and skills a well trained therapist has. Maybe find a support group where others who have been where you are where they and you can share your collective experiences and in return be a support for each other. I was pregnant when I discovered my now XWH had been cheating and I was fortunate for me they were there. It can be so confusing at this time what to do. You should definitely look into the healing library for further guidance and know you can post anytime with how things are going or to just not feel so overwhelmed or alone. It is advised you tell the families. His and yours. You may not feel ready due to the fresh trauma and I understand this. It can be retraumatising. At the same not to be vindictive or anything but to bring to light with the families may actually be the thing that will force him to realize in full what he has done. This will also prevent him from denying any wrong doing and blame shifting it on to you. It's a tricky situation and the healing library can help you navigate and understand this situation in so many ways. In turn the knowledge will help empower you and guide you to what's next and you will be ready. Give the kids hugs and hugs to you.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8670923
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Sassyandsweet I don’t feel brave at all, the only reason I kicked him out was because all I saw was “red” and really just wanted to tear up everything in the house and I needed him gone to calm down. He of course has been asking to come home but I can’t think clearly about the next decisions I want to make while he is in the house so I just can’t allow that.

My husband also denied everything about the escorts/prostitutes I had to literally show him all kinds of evidence and he still claimed he didn’t remember or he didn’t know if that happened or not. So I understand what you are feeling with the evidence I don’t know why they just won’t admit to their wrongdoings, it makes it so much harder.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8670940
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 6:03 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

minusone, I am trying my best to manage one day at a time. I need help with the baby and that is probably the hardest part. My family lives in another state so it’s really just me here. I haven’t been to work because of what’s going on and I’m falling apart, but I am going to start trying to repair myself and my life one day at a time.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8670941
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

This is too hard to do without a good support network. Your key people are going to realize that something is off anyway, so what ends up happening is that we inadvertently alienate our best supporters and isolate ourselves when we try to keep our WS's dirt hidden. Tell whoever you need to tell. Your WH should have not done the crime if he wasn't prepared to do the time with these people. In fact, if there's any way possible, take the babies and go home to your folks for awhile or have them come stay with you for a few weeks.

Remember that you are a NO OBLIGATION to continue this marriage. It doesn't matter how many crocodile tears your WH has shed or how many snot-bubbled promises to change. The fact is that he risked your life and he risked your baby's life if he exposed you while pregnant. He might be giving his life over to Jesus or whatever, but Jesus is an exceptionally good sport about these things. YOU are not required to be.

I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer here, because R is possible, even when the WS in question has been getting it on with hookers. The thing is though, he has to actually be sorry, sorry enough to change his life and repair his badly broken character. All you're seeing right now is whining and sniveling. He's a big enough boy to get into that kind of trouble, yeah?.. but not big enough to face it like a man without you having to drag every detail from him kicking and screaming.

My advice to you is to keep him out until you see some REAL action from him. Remember that words are meaningless. And... build your IRL support network. Don't be afraid to bring your key people into your trust tree. Isolation is even worse and can be a major contribution factor to depression.

((hugs))

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670947
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

If he refuses to admit to anything unless you have proof, seriously consider reconciliation. He’s showing you he’s even committed to the lie rather than the truth.

Understand that regret is that he feels sorry for himself for getting caught. Remorse means he feels sorry for what he did and the pain he caused to you and the marriage.

Without honesty and remorse he is not someone who will be a good monogamous partner down the road. He most likely will figure “you are over it” and decide to cheat again.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671009
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 11:21 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Agree with the above. My WS was actually out of the house and I felt peace. Then I let him talk his way back in and it was back on the rollercoaster. Do not let him back in for a long time.

I like the idea someone said about visiting family if you can.

If you go to Forums then I Can Relate you will see the thread for partners of sex addicts, if you are interested in posting there or even just reading.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8671018
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SassyAndSweet ( New Member #78966) posted at 11:31 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

hi feelingnumb

"My husband also denied everything about the escorts/prostitutes I had to literally show him all kinds of evidence and he still claimed he didn’t remember or he didn’t know if that happened "

i still havent shown my bf the evidence i have because i know when i do that will be the end so when im all set and read and brave enough to walk away ill throw it all down in front if him and laugh as he worms his way out of it.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2021
id 8671019
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

stubbornft- I completely understand everything that you said my husband said he made a counseling appointment to talk about his issues, however I just don’t want to make his issues my issues. I want to focus on myself like you said and just me getting better and being better. I’m hoping that I can just focus on me and what I can control. I still love him it doesn’t go away overnight even with the pain, I just hope I can figure out what’s best for me and my family once I am no longer running on my emotions.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8671049
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 2:34 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

stubbornft- I’m glad that you have come up with a plan on how to get your life back in order, I think that I would have the same thoughts that he will never be what I need no matter if he got the help he needed or not. I just know I have a lot of counseling and healing to do to move forward one way or the other.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8671050
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:49 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

FeelingNumb06 how are you doing today? How is the hydration and sleep going?

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8671512
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 FeelingNumb06 (original poster New Member #79029) posted at 5:57 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

stubbornft Well I still haven’t been to work However I have slept better the past 2 nights and I’m eating dinner at least. I am feeling somewhat better about talking about it and asking questions without losing it. He has shared his issues and infidelity with some close family members and made an individual counseling appointment for himself. Now that my rage and anger has calmed down I am starting to miss him. It feels wrong to miss him. I feel like I should still be highly pissed which of course I am but it sucks because you don’t just turn off loving someone with a switch. Even though I wish I could it would definitely be easier. I’ve been going through resources and reading about the stages of grief so that I can heal myself from all this and once I do I’ll be able to better make a decision about the next steps to take regarding him. I will be with family this weekend so I hope that pulls me out of this depressed state I’ve been in.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2021
id 8671566
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I know this is all new a very very raw with you right now, God I wish you weren't going through this! This is similar to what my favorite (and one of my wife's favorite) country artists is going through...but please revisit this

you don’t just turn off loving someone with a switch.

This is loving who he was, not who he is now or will ever be again.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8671579
Topic is Sleeping.
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