Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:28 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Talk has gotten you what? Continuing to live in infidelity is not a great option.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:30 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671283
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 9:29 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Thanks for the support everyone.

I want to clarify that my urge to "talk to her" is not at all to like, convince her to "come with me" or anything. More just like...

She's been in my life for 6 years. Everything I did, I did with her - with us - in mind. So now that this HUGE new opportunity gets dropped in my lap, it is so weird to...not say anything.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671284
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CheesecakeBaker,

I got a job offer out of state. It's better pay, better benefits, and frankly, a better career move for me regardless of anything else going on. It'll bring me closer to family and friends, too.

THis is a fantastic news and what a perfect timing. Someone above said sometimes good things happen to good people. And right he is.

Your goal is to get out of this shitshow and now she knows that too. So, plan the journey for YOU, whether she joins or not is upto her.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8671285
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Bud, shes brought another man into her life. She only cares about him. Not you. Her actions tell you that.

This is your attempt to try and manipulate her. Hell man, she was your wife. Why should you have to try and manipulate her Away from her new shiny lover?

Please wake up for your own good.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:35 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671286
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 9:38 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Bud, shes brought another man into her life. She only cares about him. Not you. Her actions tell you that.

This is your attempt to try and manipulate her. Hell man, she was your wife. Why should you have to try and manipulate her Away from her new shiny lover?

Please wake up for your own good.

That's literally not what I'm doing.

i haven't said anything to her at all about this, and don't intend to.

I was just trying to vent here a bit about the conflicted and difficult feelings I am experiencing right now.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8671287
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She's been in my life for 6 years. Everything I did, I did with her - with us - in mind. So now that this HUGE new opportunity gets dropped in my lap, it is so weird to...

Yes, but she didn't do everything she did with you. She doesn't deserve this.

Dude, she's not your wife or friend anymore, you're Jewish and she's a Nazi.

Edit : And you have to escape from Auschwitz, unseen.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:46 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8671289
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:46 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021


She's been in my life for 6 years. Everything I did, I did with her - with us - in mind. So now that this HUGE new opportunity gets dropped in my lap, it is so weird to...not say anything.


I got you! Yes, it will also feel weird to live your life alone, at least for a few months or so... until you find a more suitable partner. You'll have good days, bad days, more bad days but it will soon fade out. You'll still have strong feelings for her that's for sure. But you've experienced it first hand that she fell out of love for you for the last 6 months. Although she tells you she loves you sometimes, kiss you sometimes but the intimacy was never there. She's gone from your lovely 6 year companion to roommate. What you have with her is the piece of paper. Once that is gone, you'll have nothing to do with her.
She's free to do whatever she wants with Mark but I highly doubt Mark will want her for the foreseeable future. Once you file, you'll know the true colors of both of them. I will bet your wife will come begging on all fours for you and Mark will run for the hills. That's what usually happens to relationships that started on the negative side.
Good luck!

[This message edited by beb252 at 4:16 AM, Thursday, July 1st]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8671291
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 9:47 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CCB,

Re. the mixed feelings and this:

Thanks for the support everyone.

I want to clarify that my urge to "talk to her" is not at all to like, convince her to "come with me" or anything. More just like...

She's been in my life for 6 years. Everything I did, I did with her - with us - in mind. So now that this HUGE new opportunity gets dropped in my lap, it is so weird to...not say anything.

Let me start by saying that as someone who has followed your story from its beginning, and who wants the best for you, I wholeheartedly advise you to grasp this new offer with both hands. The timing could not be better, and like a lot of people here, I hope this can be a fresh, new start for you.

However, the notion of a change, a break, a fresh start, even a 'liberation', no matter how positive those things are, all relate to the end of a six-year relationship, so of course they stir up pain and mixed feelings. That is natural, and as other have said, you should allow yourself to cry, vent, and let it all out.

The question of telling or not telling your wife involves reframing her in your perspective and - no matter what she has done - in your heart too. And that is bound to hurt, even if that change is necessary to free you from the unhealthy dynamic you have lived in for the past six months, and possibly longer.

In my view, you are under no obligation at all to tell your wife, particularly after she gas-lit you for six months. Not telling her might be a healthy step towards detaching from her, which is necessary, but also why it hurts and feels unnatural to you.

I suggest you wait a week, or even two weeks, and see what your gut tells you at that point. She stopped being honest with you about new developments in her life some time ago, and it could be argued that what goes around comes around, but the only thing that matters is what feels right to you. Which is why I suggest waiting a week or longer and seeing how you feel then.

Who knows what she may do in that time? You are entering a divorce from her, and it might be better to limit the amount of information you give her about your future plans from now on, just to be on the safe side.

From what you have said, the new job is better, you will be closer to your friends and support group, and it offers a new start in a new place. You really deserve that, after everything you have been put through.

My thoughts - and those of the rest of the people here - are with you.

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8671293
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:00 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

A couple of thoughts:

1 - one door opens ...one door closes; for every ending there's a beginning; ...

2 - infidelity is unfair to the BS. There is nothing you can ever do that will change that dynamic. Why, because you didn't deserve this mess and divorce, exposure, her shame is nothing (not even close) to what has been done to you.

Therefore, you can only protect yourself from further infidelity.

Frankly, the best and most constructive revenge is you living the best version of your life.

I promise the future holds more for you than you ever imagined.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671297
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Congratulations on the new job. Getting out of infidelity will be that much easier when you are out of your environment, especially if you will be closer to family and friends.

I'm also in the camp that advises do not tell her.

You've only been married 18 months and she has basically cheated for 1/3 of that time (that you know of).

Do what is necessary, meet with your lawyer, pack up your belongings, and get out of dodge.

We all understand the emotional trauma you are experiencing, but you have been given a gift to move forward with your life away from the drama. Take full advantage of this new opportunity asap.

Always keep in mind your wife is not willing to give up her affair partner. Let that drive you.

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8671298
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

You are not alone.

Every thing you are feeling is normal. Hate, love, depression, anger, disappointment ... even sympathy for her.

I promise it gets better in time (the mood changes less frequent) and you get better at controlling your reaction. Getting away from her will speed up your recovery.

Read up on PTSD. Knowing the stage you're in helps you manage it.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671299
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I got a job offer out of state. It's better pay, better benefits, and frankly, a better career move for me regardless of anything else going on. It'll bring me closer to family and friends, too.

I get wanted to tell your WW. That would be the normal first step in getting good news. The problem is that you don't know how she's going to take it. NC means no new hurt.

She could very well turn this around on you and say you are planning to divorce not because of Mark but because of this opportunity.

She could could start waffling and mess with your mind.

She could get angry that you are moving on to bigger and better things without her.

In a good marriage she would take it at face value and be really happy for this oportunity. I don't think that's what you are going to get and it will just cause more hurt.

Hold onto the information and keep moving forward with the divorce. She will find out eventually but it's really none of her business. keep moving forward NC and get out of infedelity.

I am super proud of you getting your name out there and moving forward. It sounds like an excellent job and I have no doubt that when you are ready you will find someone why better for you. You so young, and have so much going for you.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671300
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She's been running things behind your back for months and you had no idea what was going on. You asked many times, she denied it. You only learned just some part of it yesterday. (You actually know the other part).

She had happy moments without your knowledge, sometimes much more happy.

Now that a similar opportunity has come your way, it shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind to go and tell her. You should be happy thinking about the beautiful future that awaits you and she shouldn't be able to make sense of your happiness.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8671302
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:07 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I understand how you “want to do the right thing” because that is the kind of person you are.

No right or wrong answer to that situation. Maybe after the D process starts you can tell her you are relocating. Don’t give details about the offer. Just the facts.

All the best to you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671303
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Of course this is painful, don’t feel bad about crying over it. Someone you loved dearly has betrayed you and isn’t willing to do anything about it. The person you love has broken her vows and your trust and that’s devastating.

No matter how good it feels to take control of your life when it’s been shattered, it doesn’t change that your heart is breaking.

You’ll have opposite emotions for a while. Live with all of them and take them in. They are you.

But that doesn’t mean you stop what you are doing. She is not a remorseful partner right now, so no need to communicate. And that includes about the job. She fired you as confidant and partner so tell you parents and close friends, but not her.

If all of a sudden she starts doing the work (doubtful) and takes steps to rebuild we can think that. This is your life now. She doesn’t get to dictate any pet of it anymore.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8671306
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:15 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

You owe her nothing.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8671308
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 10:22 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

That's literally not what I'm doing.

i haven't said anything to her at all about this, and don't intend to.

I was just trying to vent here a bit about the conflicted and difficult feelings I am experiencing right now.

We all get you. We do. Everyone here is wanting what’s best for you.

What you had with her before is over. It doesn’t exist anymore. Your feelings are normal. However, you get to decide on moving forward or staying where you are.

You will be fine getting out of this shit show she’s brought down on you. Time and no contact are you new best friends.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671310
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

CCB: The new job just didn't fall from the sky. You must have inquired and interviewed for the position recently. Not that it matters, but did your WW know you were looking around and that you were interviewing with a law firm out of state? If she did, it will come as no surprise that you accepted the position. If it were me, I would ask her to make the divorce process go as quick and easy as possible. Explain to her that this represents a new beginning for both of your lives and the quicker it can be done, the better.

The fact that you will be leaving will make everything very real for her. She might panic, but do not let that deter your resolve. Grieve for the loss of your marriage, but you now have a clear course to pursue that will lead to a better, more fulfilling life. Stay the course and get this mess over with ASAP.

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:42 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8671316
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

she feels like she is smothered and overwhelmed and needs space

From your OP.

If you do tell her you're moving, be sure to tell her you're feeling smothered, overwhelmed and need space.

I don't think I'd tell her, not a damn thing. She didn't tell you jack shit about her affair. You had to go digging.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8671319
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 11:06 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I want to clarify that my urge to "talk to her" is not at all to like, convince her to "come with me" or anything. More just like...

She's been in my life for 6 years. Everything I did, I did with her - with us - in mind. So now that this HUGE new opportunity gets dropped in my lap, it is so weird to...not say anything.

Of course! I am so sorry. It hurts!! The longer you go without taking your good and bad news to her the more natural it will feel. I have described the cheating as this - I thought we were a team and were on the same team. We weren't. We weren't on the same team. There was no team! I was tricked. He knew but I didn't. This real him has the same face as the person I trusted and loved. My brain is traumatized and trying to catch up with this new and painful reality. Of course it is painful. Hang in there. Feel the feelings and don't stuff them down. You are doing great. Keep posting, we are all rooting for you!

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8671325
Topic is Sleeping.
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