Im so very sorry that you are in your current situation. Trust me, I know what you are going through.
As you move forward in deciding what you want, I would like to give you something to think about.
I have said numerous times, that a marriage is like a stool in that it rely on three pillars. Without these three, marriage is not possible. Those 3 pillars in a good marriage are
Do you really think she respects you? After what she did????
I highly doubt it!!! She may seem to actually be remorseful, but how much of that is just her in self preservation trying to hold on to her old life? And do you think she respects that man that is in front of her with all your self doubt? Let’s be honest, the longer you allow her to stick around, the less she will actually respect you!!!!
Love... could someone that truly loves you cheat on you in the first place? Could someone that loves you put you through this level of torture??? If she loved you at this point, wouldn’t it be better, less selfish of her to say to you that even though she loves you and has done the worst thing a wife can do to her husband, she no longer deserves you, and you should find a woman that is worthy of your love, and therefore, she will do the selfless thing by agreeing to divorce so that you can find a loving woman that worthy of your love. But no. She would. Ever even think of doing that!!! I believe her tears are not for the pain that she has caused you, but for her!!! She is crying for fear that what she is in danger of losing.
Trust.... can you say that you trust her or will ever trust her again? Of course not. Every time she is 5 to 10 minutes late, the vision of her naked and in the arms of another lover pops into your head. Because of how she planned to meet her boyfriend/lover, you will be having those thoughts every time you walk out of your home.
Also, think of this...
Years from now, what will she truly think about her boyfriend/lover? Will she have fond memories of taking walks with him with her hand in his?
If you ever kiss her again or have sex with her, if she closes her eyes, will she be fantasying about her time with him and how he used to make her feel when she was under him?
I’m sorry, but I believe that right now she is in self preservation mode! She has lost her lover, at least temporarily, and she is in danger of losing her husband, her nice comfortable life, nice home, a life where she has sent her kids off to college, a life where she was probably respected. I’m sorry, her tears are not for you or your pain that she caused. Her tears are for her!!!
If she was not caught by your SIL, what would your wife have been doing last Wednesday? Next Wednesday? The Wednesday after that??? Does this sound like the actions of a woman that loves and respects you? Does this sound like a woman you can trust?
I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
Don’t let fear of the ridiculous and things that won’t happen in the future paralyze you.
Do what you feel you must do.
There is nothing wrong with her cheating being a dealbreaker for you.
Good luck, Stay strong, and take care of yourself
And do what you must to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every day.