Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 2:42 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit, I’m so sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company.

You and I are similar age and have long history with our WW’s. My WW and I were HS sweethearts, and each other’s first sexual partner…she is still my one and only.

I was also blindsided on dday, nearly six years ago. Dday was strange, I was browsing her tablet, I don’t know why, I checked her email and searched for certain keywords and bam, my world was shattered. Everyone else here has experienced the same thing and although the comments can sometimes be harsh, but it comes from a wealth of direct experience.

Stay away from the alcohol, I didn’t and it made things much worse. Very important.

The polygraph. You haven’t really had a chance yet to experience trickle truth, but most WS’s do it. They can also minimize, gaslight and DARVO (look it up) you. If you chose to discuss the A for the purposes of R, the polygraph might be a useful tool. Just the potential for failure has had many experience the parking lot confession just before the test. It can be as much of a motivator as the polygraph itself.

The advise you have been given is bang on so I won’t rehash it. Just know that we feel your pain and are here to listen and help as much as we can. This is a long recovery, be it D or R. R is, IMHO harder. Stand tall, continue to be decisive and strong, you will get through this.

By the way, your In-Laws sound like great, upstanding people, good on them for doing the right thing.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8669282
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 4:31 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

I’m sorry this happened to you. If you think you might divorce her, talk to your lawyer before asking her to quit her job. This could be detrimental in terms of alimony.

You WW had an affair because she enjoys the attention the OM gives her. She never thought she would get caught, but she was destroying her life, and yours, for a few compliments. She will need to fix herself before you even consider R.

If she was holding hands, she was probably in love with him. If you ever meet her in person or talk to her on the phone, ask her how she feels towards the OM. A good candidate for R will say that they want nothing to do with the AP.

Make sure to thank you in laws. Of all the times I’ve been here, I can’t remember this happening, we are very impressed.

You will get through this. We all did and do will you

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8669292
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 3:12 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit understand that there is absolutely nothing unique about your wife's affair. She is a run-of -the-mill cheater falling back on run-of-the-mill excuses and offering run-of-the-mill-promises. There is no magic pill or special decoder ring to get you through this disaster she made. All you can do is lean on the good people hear and follow the advice you have been given.

Do the 180. Lawyer up and get educated. Make her no promises. It sounds like she is willing to quit her job and acquiesce to your demands so maybe there is some hope.

But as for myself, I recommend you not reconcile with her. I did that with my WW fifteen years ago, went through the counseling and heartache and tried to make it work, but in the end my soul died along with my self esteem, and so I eventually built a wall against her and she ended up having a second affair just a few months ago.

I would hate to see you do what I did and come back her in five or ten years telling us how miserable you are for having stayed with her.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8669356
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

What I'm not sure about is confirming her written timeline with a polygraph test. I've always heard those things are incredibly unreliable and I wouldn't even know where to look for one where I live.

They are everywhere in the United States. You can throw a rock and hit one. Not sure about your country. In any case on the reliability: If it's good enough for corporate security, the FBI, the US Senate, and the CIA ...well then it's good enough for me.

But the real point of a polygraph is to put psychic pressure on your wife. If she knows there will be a "final exam" so to speak, she's likely to be more truthful on the timeline. And if she's still holding out on key details, the infamous "parking lot confession" before the polygraph is somewhat common.

It isn't cruel to exert psychic pressure on your wife. It's about looking out for yourself. She exposed you to the threat of dangerous diseases (even fatal ones) and lied repeatedly to your face thousands of times. You deserve the truth.

You can't forgive what you don't know. And you certainly CANNOT consider reconciling with someone if you don't know the real story. You need to know exactly what you're dealing with here so you can make an informed decision about what's best for YOU.

Also on the timeline: It MUST be many pages in length with detail. Do not accept a simple one page outline or something insulting like that. The legal phrase "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" is worded that way for good reasons. The whole truth, no omissions. Nothing but the truth, no additional lies or minimizations.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8669381
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

My wife has replied to me after I sent her text making all of those demands, the written timeline, access to all her devices and social media, having no contact with her AP, the STI screening and her quitting her job. She has agreed to everything. I still plan on seeing a few attorneys, just in case.

Her parents already know. They learned about it the same day that I did. She is staying at their place.

Legally, you probably can't stop her from coming back home, but I do think that if you tell her straight up that you don't want to see her right now and that you want her to stay at her parents until you can think about what you want, she might comply. This will give you some time. To be honest, I've got a real problem with cheaters who go in for very young AP's. I don't understand how a woman in her 50's can look at a 23 year-old and NOT see a kid. You know, the prefrontal cortex of the brain isn't matured until our mid-twenties? That means that the AP really IS still a juvenile in terms of brain science. As a middle-aged woman, I can certainly appreciate the aesthetic beauty of the young, but that doesn't mean I'd be willing to fuck a kid, right? This isn't just about the gap in age. It's about the extreme youth of the AP and whatever has happened to her parental instinct to protect the young.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that R is impossible, but I really do think you've got two different issues going on here. One being the defect in character which allowed your WW to say "yes" to cheating, and the other being whatever illness/insecurity/personality disorder which allowed her to predate on a youngster. I think, if it were me, I'd separate until she'd had six months of intensive therapy. After that, if she had made great strides toward recovery, then I might entertain efforts toward R. If she hadn't, I'd file for D. Your WW doesn't have any boundaries. There was nothing inside her which stopped her from cheating and nothing inside her which viewed that coworker as a youngster to be protected from predation.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:27 AM, June 24th (Thursday)]

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8669384
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

If you are hoping at some point to reconcile, then regarding the timeline, when it comes time to require her to write one, my suggestion is to buy 2 bundles of yellow notepads. Set them in front of her with the instructions the first bundle is for the PG-13 version and the second bundle is for the XXX version. She is to number them in numerical order and only write on every other line. The empty lines are for you to take notes on when you interrogate her. That space is for the questions you have for each item she writes about - with as much detail as you desire (what time was it, what were you wearing, what did you say, etc...) You will inform her that what she wrote and the answers to your questions will be randomly verified by polygraph. Failure on any point is a deal breaker. She must believe that she is being given one and only one chance to come completely clean, or her life as she knows it will not have enough ashes to sweep up in a dustpan. By that I don't mean that you should not recognize that she may not be able to articulate every minutia of detail of the 17th time they had sex. But that first time should be very clear. It is the most defining moment in her life. She knows every detail. Accept nothing less than every ugly detail you need to know. The key here is she must believe that you are putting a loaded shotgun in her mouth and one wrong move and you will blow her world away (proverbially, of course).

She is to start with the first time she saw him and every single action that she was involved with him since that time including daydreaming or thinking about him and texting him. Inform her you will not accept anything less than one half of each stack of notepads filled out. This will take time so since she is quitting her job anyway, this is her job for the next 3 weeks and she is not to contact you until it is complete.

She is not to destroy or delete any evidence of the affair without your consent.

Strength.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8669432
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 8:07 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Tacit:

You are getting good sound tactical advice on here, about some proposed next steps and considerations in the wake of the revelation of the affair. I absolutely agree with all of them.

It's good to see she has agreed to writing a timeline for her affair. It's good to see she has at least tacitly agreed to cooperating with the idea of giving you everything you ask for. Be advised, however, she will drag her feet on all of it-- she was already in denial and the notion of ignoring it and hoping it goes away is deeply rooted in her psyche.

Let's say, however, for the sake of argument, that she DOES do everything you request, in a reasonably timely manner. That's when you switch from tactical to strategic thinking. So.. you'll know what you know. She's admitted to adultery. She's given you corroborating evidence and named names. What, then? Consider this. That might be what you need to consider reconciling, but it also might not be what YOU need to make you feel like you could ever trust her again. Marriages in affair recovery have a very spotty record; you must be clear with yourself AND her that even if she does 100% of what you ask of her, your relationship may not be worth keeping for you. Some things can't be forgotten easily, and no two BS's are the same.

TL:DR is that... even if she gives you everything you require right now, it just might not be enough. You have to be honest about that up front with both you AND her.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8669435
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 2:38 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Can I ask what was her justification for betraying you with a 23 year old?

Tacit understand that there is absolutely nothing unique about your wife's affair. She is a run-of -the-mill cheater falling back on run-of-the-mill excuses and offering run-of-the-mill-promises. There is no magic pill or special decoder ring to get you through this disaster she made.

I have to agree.

But her reason may shed some light.

One day at a time

[This message edited by Buffer at 8:56 PM, June 24th (Thursday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8669534
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DBFool2019 ( Member #72288) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I think my wife didn't think that they would expose her.

You brother and sister in law are high quality individuals. It's sad your wife clearly is not in the same camp.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019
id 8669670
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 5:06 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Can I ask what was her justification for betraying you with a 23 year old?

Any reason she gives him will be a lie. He knows the real reason. She has hit the wall, and a young horny dick paid attention to her, flattered her, she liked what she saw and she wanted to bang him. That is why she did it. He doesn't need to ask her.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 11:25 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

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id 8669817
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Not sure if I should keep posting updates here or if I should start a new thread. Anyway...

Yesterday was the first day since DDay that I saw my wife in person. After I got home from work, my brother and I went to her parents' house where she is still staying. It wasn't easy being around her, but after listening to this community's advice, I figured that there were some things that needed to be said and established in person, rather than through text and phonecalls.

The first thing that she did when she saw me was break into tears and try to hug me. I put a stop to that and told her that touching her was the last thing I want right now. She looked hurt. She kept telling me how much she regrets her "mistake", how much she loves me and that things with her AP were "just sex". I called her out on her bullshit and told her that I wasn't there to hear her excuses. I told her I'm going to see a divorce attorney next week so that I know what my options are. I then reiterated all the steps I want her to do if I am to consider R with her. I had her send a NC text to her AP right there in front of me and tell me all of her social media passwords. She also handed her phone over to me and allowed me to take screenshots of all texts she's sent her AP and allowed me to take it home to check for deleted messages.

It wasn't easy being around her. Every time she opened her mouth to say something I wanted to yell at her. If my brother and my MIL weren't there, I would have done more than just shut her down.

Now, as for what I am doing about my healing. I have dropped the drink and started exercising. My brother and I go out running in the morning. I have been reading as much as I can get my hands on. Food is still unapealing, but I have started to eat more than what I was eating last week.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669888
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:48 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Tacit: Is your WW going to quit her job? Will she explain to her supervisor why she is resigning?

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8669913
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

You did well. Her actions and not her words will tell you all you need to know in the long run. A detailed written timeline of her A is always a good idea. Keep working out and stay away from drink. Ea healthy and get strong for you. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8669916
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 6:55 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

src9043 She already has. She showed me her letter of resignation and I called her workplace to make sure she was telling the truth. She'll still have to work there for a month.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669917
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 7:14 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I wonder why she did not quit when her siblings caught her. To me, it seems like she is still very much in regret of getting caught, not remorse. Now that there are actual consequences to her, she is scrambling. But even when caught by her siblings, she was not concerned with the consequences to you or her family.

You are doing well. Continue to take care of YOU and let her figure out what to do to fix what she has broken. Long term actions are the only thing that count. Even then, no one is owed reconciliation. Even if she does every single thing perfectly, you are still allowed to decide what is best for you. This will take time. Keep going!

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8669931
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

You are doing quite well. You are taking a stand and calling the shots. That is what needs to happen but unfortunately many betrayed spouses are not in a position to do so.

Now for the reconciliation. There are two paths you can take.

Some believe you should tell the cheating spouse exactly what you need in order to start reconciling. You then measure whether the cheater’s efforts are sufficient to continue with reconciliation. So far she quit her job. Good first step. Not listening to her excuses and lies. Excellent on your part.

She gave up her phone - another good first step.

Other betrayeds (like me) gave our cheating spouse no support or help. Made them figure out reconciliation on their own. I didn’t tell my H anything he should do b/c I wasn’t interested in Reconciling. I was planning to D him. Luckily for him he made some big changes and did some things that I noticed seemed like some positive first steps.

So you don’t need to decide anything just yet. You can try R and then decide it’s not what you want and then D. Or you can sit back snd see if she is reconciliation material and if she’s worth the commitment. Let her figure it out.

After all she had enough brain power to figure out how to cheat. You can let her figure out how to reconcile on her own too.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8669957
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:50 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I tend to agree with The1stWife. After that initial list of things, it gets murky.

The initial list of "to dos" puts you in the driver's seat and gives you actionable information to make better decisions.

Far better to see what they do from here on out. Apathy and lack of action speaks very loud.

If she wants to be your wife, she will show you through actions.

Remember: Actions, not words.

Waywards say all kinds of things about how sorry they are.

Reconciliation is show, not tell.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8669961
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

The first thing that she did when she saw me was break into tears and try to hug me. I put a stop to that and told her that touching her was the last thing I want right now. She looked hurt. She kept telling me how much she regrets her "mistake", how much she loves me and that things with her AP were "just sex". I called her out on her bullshit and told her that I wasn't there to hear her excuses.

Sorry man but it wasn’t a mistake but a choice/decision she made. It didn’t just happen.

Right now the tears are for her. She regrets getting caught.

She loves you but destroyed your marriage? Hilarious, it was just sex? So that’s supposed to be ok?

She was dating him openly in public. Holding hands, etc but it was just sex?

Infidelity is a lifelong gift. Better put some thought into what you want.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:01 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8669970
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:25 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Tacit,

You handled the situation pretty well. I admire you for that.
From what I can see you're still sitting on the fence, correct? You will be going to see a divorce lawyer but you gave your WW an option for R if she cooperates. She needs to give out her 100% cooperation on it and work her ass out if she wants you back. That's a lot of work on her part since the affair has been going on for a while.

Good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670040
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 4:43 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Im so very sorry that you are in your current situation. Trust me, I know what you are going through.

As you move forward in deciding what you want, I would like to give you something to think about.

I have said numerous times, that a marriage is like a stool in that it rely on three pillars. Without these three, marriage is not possible. Those 3 pillars in a good marriage are

RESPECT

LOVE

TRUST

Do you really think she respects you? After what she did????

I highly doubt it!!! She may seem to actually be remorseful, but how much of that is just her in self preservation trying to hold on to her old life? And do you think she respects that man that is in front of her with all your self doubt? Let’s be honest, the longer you allow her to stick around, the less she will actually respect you!!!!

Love... could someone that truly loves you cheat on you in the first place? Could someone that loves you put you through this level of torture??? If she loved you at this point, wouldn’t it be better, less selfish of her to say to you that even though she loves you and has done the worst thing a wife can do to her husband, she no longer deserves you, and you should find a woman that is worthy of your love, and therefore, she will do the selfless thing by agreeing to divorce so that you can find a loving woman that worthy of your love. But no. She would. Ever even think of doing that!!! I believe her tears are not for the pain that she has caused you, but for her!!! She is crying for fear that what she is in danger of losing.

Trust.... can you say that you trust her or will ever trust her again? Of course not. Every time she is 5 to 10 minutes late, the vision of her naked and in the arms of another lover pops into your head. Because of how she planned to meet her boyfriend/lover, you will be having those thoughts every time you walk out of your home.

Also, think of this...

Years from now, what will she truly think about her boyfriend/lover? Will she have fond memories of taking walks with him with her hand in his?

If you ever kiss her again or have sex with her, if she closes her eyes, will she be fantasying about her time with him and how he used to make her feel when she was under him?

I’m sorry, but I believe that right now she is in self preservation mode! She has lost her lover, at least temporarily, and she is in danger of losing her husband, her nice comfortable life, nice home, a life where she has sent her kids off to college, a life where she was probably respected. I’m sorry, her tears are not for you or your pain that she caused. Her tears are for her!!!

If she was not caught by your SIL, what would your wife have been doing last Wednesday? Next Wednesday? The Wednesday after that??? Does this sound like the actions of a woman that loves and respects you? Does this sound like a woman you can trust?

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

Don’t let fear of the ridiculous and things that won’t happen in the future paralyze you.

Do what you feel you must do.

There is nothing wrong with her cheating being a dealbreaker for you.

Good luck, Stay strong, and take care of yourself

And do what you must to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every day.

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8670143
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