SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been over 6 months since I’ve posted but feel like I’ve regressed. I struggle from minute to minute with her affair(s), our recent divorce, her incessant pursuit of more fun, parties, men, etc. It’s almost like I’ve been completely discarded and forgotten about with the exception of relying on me for money and childcare. Thank God our now inexistent union created two great little boys, but even engaging with them is often bittersweet as I feel so alone in the process and long for that family unit that will never be.

Last post was Jan 1st, and the following day I was in a horrific motorcycle accident requiring multiple surgeries and a long convalescence. I worked hard through physical therapy and have rehabilitated well from a physical standpoint, but mentally I am fried. She was intermittently helpful yet at times cruel during the process, even pushing to finalize D papers shortly after my discharge from hospital. I recognized the occasional feigned attempt at reconciliation as a page from the narcissist playbook to keep me trauma bonded, but cognitive dissonance prevents me from appreciating all of her despicable actions and betrayal/lies fully so that I can move forward and try to heal. Honestly, it feels like that is impossible. I put everything I had into our family and I loved her deeply. To be summarily replaced and have to bear witness to her now seemingly great/happy life is more painful than any physical injury I sustained in the wreck.

Constant anxiety/depression, loneliness, feelings of failure and inadequacy plague each day and night. I’ve sought spiritual counsel, traditional medicine, CBT, hypnotherapy to no avail. I’ve had my boys for the last week while she parties far from home in NYC. Part of me dreads her coming back and the interaction we’ll have to exchange kids, but part of me continues to miss what we had and who she was before she engineered the destruction. I simply struggle to comprehend how and why it went so badly. 12 years together and until 12/2019 I would have NEVER thought anything remotely like this would happen. I’m trying hard to be strong for my kids and work, but I am struggling mightily. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m not convinced I can get past this or build a new life with someone I could love like I loved her. I should see her through the lens of how badly she’s hurt me these past 18 months or so, rather than through the prism of nostalgia for the good memories and now impossible bright future as a family…I just don’t know how to do this.

You’re only good path is no contact. Under the circumstances keep communication to text or email. Kids and divorce only. Ignore anything else.

Pickups and drop off can be limited to 2-3 minutes. No need for engagement.

Sorry you’re here but she may have put you where you are but it is up to you to get yourself out of it.

Get out and do something you’ve always had an interest in but never had time for. Family and friends can be a great source of support. Don’t be afraid to seek it out.

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short.

You can get through this. What you’re going through is not uncommon. Many go through this and come out fine you can too.

No contact will bring you much needed clarity and will help you see her for who she is. Not what you want to see. Get her off the pedestal you’ve got her on. She doesn’t deserve it.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:31 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

When someone wants out of a marriage let them go. It’s so detrimental to your mental and physical health to hang on to a dead marriage. There is someone out there waiting for you once you get past your grief. It just takes time. That’s a terrible thing to have to contemplate, time, but you will get through it.

The most powerful thing you wrote is how she behaved while you were recuperating. That says everything about her lack of morals.

It’s nice to read you have recuperated. I hope you never get back on a motorcycle. Doctors in the ER called them organ donors.

Bro,

Give yourself a break. You are dealing with 2 major traumas at once. Have you discussed PTSD with anyone? Man, I had PTSD from a bicycle crash, and I was in emotional pain (mainly fear) until I recognized it for what it was.

Besides, it's less than 6 months from the loss of your M. Your W is telling herself how great it is to be free while you are in the process of healing from physical and emotional injuries. I bet your body is still in much more distress than it was before the accident, and you have to deal with that, too.

Be kind to yourself, Anguished. Give yourself time to find your way. You can do it. In fact, you're doing it.

I'd hug you, but I'm afraid of hurting you.

OTOH, how can a virtual hug hurt????

(((Anguished)))

I have read all your posts. I'm sorry for the situation you're in. You know what you need to heal, but you hesitate to take action, because you think that you will say goodbye to the possibility of going back to the (so-called) good days of the past. But they're over now, even if you don't move on, they will not come back. Your XW showed and is still showing who she is, you have to accept it.

I recognized the occasional feigned attempt at reconciliation as a page from the narcissist playbook to keep me trauma bonded, but cognitive dissonance prevents me from appreciating all of her despicable actions and betrayal/lies fully so that I can move forward and try to heal. I put everything I had into our family and I loved her deeply. To be summarily replaced and have to bear witness to her now seemingly great/happy life is more painful than any physical injury I sustained in the wreck.

Exactly.

I hope she is not aware of your self-pity and suffering. Because these are the best sources of nutrition for a narcissist. She doesn't feel anything positive towards you, but seeing that you couldn't do without her and couldn't leave her behind still swells her ego.

Except for matters related to your children, you should cut off contact with her completely (better by text as much as possible) and try to live the best life you can. Don't interact her during the exchange, you can leave and pick up the children at the door. Don't hesitate to take attitudes that shows you're done with her and will make her feel bad, maybe she doesn't even care. Whatever her indifference makes you feel, your indifference will make her feel a similar feeling (but unfortunately much lighter). But your main goal should not be to make her feel bad anyway, but to live the best life you deserve.

It sounds ridiculous, but I’m not convinced I can get past this or build a new life with someone I could love like I loved her.

Except for the physical attractiveness and a few good personality traits that we can find in most people, everything about love is our own creation. The degree of our love does not change according to the beauty or good manners of the person we fall in love with.

You loved her deeply, because you can. She didn't earn your deep love by working hard and deservedly. Your ability to love didn't go away with her. So, when you meet someone you think is beautiful and good-natured, you will fall in love the same way.

I remember one of the conversations we had during the breakup phase with one of my XWGF's. I loved her deeply and was sad, but I realized what I described above.

"Poor you, I will love whoever I love like this, but no one will ever love you like that again" I said to her. It wasn't a pick me dance, I said it after I finally gave up on her.

You don't need to be pessimistic. There's sure to be someone good and loyal out there who deserves you.

Hi, Anguished, glad you came back for support. I'm sorry you are feeling all those emotions, it's very common, unfortunately. Have you met with a MD for some temporary medications to help you cope?

I suggest you post in the divorce/new beginnings forums. So many members there who can help you navigate these difficult times.

Understand you will be ok. It takes years, not months, to move beyond this trauma. GOOD counseling helps, seeking out new hobbies/friends helps, the gym, a class, exercise, a sport, volunteer, anything to get you back into life again. One of my life savers was volunteering at an animal shelter.

Get out of your environment as much as possible. Just moments of respite from the constant thoughts will relax your mind, even temporarily.

Brains are funny things and in times of trauma can make weird connections. Try reading a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. What you'll find is that the amygdala of the brain only have very loose connections with the prefrontal cortex, so our trauma doesn't really respond to logic. There are some therapies which help more than others like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), neurofeedback, and mindfulness. You said that you've tried several therapies but have you worked with a trauma specialist? It's likely that your brain has taken your motorcycle accident and your divorce, connected them in bizarre and unhelpful ways, and now is refusing to respond to common sense.

Then, when you get into Susan Anderson's book, we can add in abandonment wounding. We are preprogrammed from birth to fear abandonment. It's hardwired into us. It's why we cry as infants when we can't see our mothers. And again, we find the brain making weird connections. I had quite a bit of upheaval in my childhood, so what I noticed when dealing with my WH's betrayal, is that it broke open every previous abandonment scar. Things I thought I had resolved decades ago suddenly felt fresh. I was angry with people I had made peace with years and years ago. I felt victimized, not just in my primary relationship but by every slight that had gone before.

Brains are funny things. Understanding that I wasn't weird or outside the parameters of normal helped me a lot. It was like the first step to healing and it made me much more patient with the process. It takes TIME to heal, and it takes a certain amount of proactive will. Understand that there was NOTHING so special about your XWW that you can't recover. These setbacks are about YOU. They're about your trauma and your fear of abandonment. In The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Susan Anderson asks us to do an exercise where we imagine our "inner child" at about 4 years-old, really not too far off from your sons ages now. It's a really dissociative exercise, designed to allow our fears to surface, but I was SHOCKED at how angry, alone, and scared my "Little" was. This exercise frees you from the constraints of adulthood and "coulda, shoulda, woulda". You're just dealing with raw emotions at that point and responding to your own needs for comfort as you "parent" your inner Little. I know it sounds absurd, but I found it to be probably the most helpful therapy of anything I've tried.

Anyway, understand that this is about you, not her. She hasn't had a character transplant, so chances are good that karma is eventually going to catch up to her. People can't go around treating others like shit forever with everyone around them eventually figuring out what selfish douche-canoes they are. But she's not the issue. You are, and I think that once you've worked through your trauma/grief/abandonment, you're going to be okay. It's just hard right now.

Strength to you as you process.

Hi Anguished,

So sorry this is happening to you! But look at the bright side, you're dodging a bullet by getting rid of her! She's not the woman you thought she was! The one she's showing now, that's her true self, she's always been like that! She only pretended to be the woman when she was with you, now that she doesn't need you, she let her true self show!
Unfortunately, that lifestyle she's showing right now won't last long. That I can assure you! It will be too late for her when she realizes she lost all she should have cared for in life, including your children.
Good luck to you!

I was pretty much non-functional for 9 months. After that, I started to see some improvement, but it was slow going. It wasn't until almost a year from being in different houses that I started to feel happy and no longer had nightmares where XH & AP were trying to kill me.

Give yourself time and grace. The 2-5 year timeline for personal healing is a starting point.

I’m saddened to read this. But also like looking at the positive.

You survived and healed from your motorcycle accident. The physical pain you endured is not easy to overcome and commit to fully healing— yet you did.

Now it’s time to heal the emotional trauma you suffered.

I wasn’t doing well 3 years after dday2 despite our commitment to reconciliation. My H was doing everything but yet I had days of deep pain. His intent to D me for someone he knew 6 months just hung over me like a black cloud.

Somehow I randomly came across a video on YouTube by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. Just like your motorcycle accident - not your fault. Yet you made the commitment to fully heal yourself.

Her affair was not your fault. The D was not your fault. Yet you continue he to suffer and view all of this as though you were discarded b/c you were not good enough.

However — you were better than good enough but your cheating spouse didn’t care. Her regression to a party lifestyle is her character flaw — and has nothing to do with you.

You are allowing a person of low moral character make a decision and allowing it to affect you. Why does her abandonment of her family and marriage rule your thoughts process? Yes it hurts to be “discarded” in such a way that it looks like she is out having a grand old time while you continue to struggle.

But if I learned one thing from my H’s affairs - I had to step up and be willing to realize I was not the failure he tried to convince me I was. I learned I was much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned I didn’t need him to be happy.

But above all I learned that his opinion of me is not the most important thing. It’s my opinion of myself that matters most.

I hope you can dig your way out of the hole you are in and see that your children NEED the best version of their Dad. They need to have one parent who has morals and ethics to lead them through life. You need to be prepared that one day you may need to seek full custody— and for that you need to be emotionally healed as well.

Please keep posting here so we can support you. And watch that YouTube video- for me it was a game changer. You owe it to yourself to fully heal — and live your best life.

Anguished, it really is early days. And you are dealing with two major events in your life with a sprinkle of pandemic on top. You are grieving the loss of your past, but don’t write off your future, because there’s a future, even if you can’t see it yet.

We all reject the notion that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity and think we are going to be the exception to the rule and heal in record time. Only to find out that two years is actually the very minimum to get to a place where you can see past your hurt and into the future. It’s like climbing a mountain. You keep on climbing until you make it to the summit. When you get to it, you feel exhausted and broken. But also proud and empowered. Above all, you can see what’s ahead of you: you are not there yet but it’s well within your reach.

One thing I would say, I did try CBT first after D-day, and did absolutely nothing for me. Traditional counselling, so long as you can find the right fit for you, is what does the trick IMO. Also, check out the D/S and New Beginnings forums. There are more positive stories there that will give you a glimpse of what life can be like after infidelity and divorce.

please read in youtube ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma's talk on attachment and clinging. It will help you

Wish you a strong mind!

The best response is to prosper in your career etc. Train your mind to be strong and also do physical activities. Few months later you will say "I feel like a new person" as in Tame Impala song

Idling mind is a very bad enemy

[This message edited by goalong at 1:08 PM, June 21st (Monday)]