Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Perhaps your lawyer could draft a much more favorable post-nuptial agreement and you could lead with that instead of the divorce settlement. You could frame it as one of the steps necessary for reconciliation. If your wife is capable of gainful employment, why is alimony necessary? If she committed the affair, why should she be entitled to your investments? You and your wife will likely both need attorneys to review the post-nuptial but if your wife continues to claim she is remorseful, perhaps you can get this done.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS, THIS, AND AGAIN THIS.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The one thing that often surround infidelity, but is not addressed NEARLY ENOUGH, is the financial aspect. I understand that courts can not go through everybody's marriage, and put financial value on emotional aspects. And think of it this way, Sore---what if it was YOU that cheated on her? Looking at it through her eyes, she's a stay at home mom, whose husband is cheating on her, and she has no financial income of her own. That would also be a terrifying situation to be in.

It all depends who is the victim.

But being that you are the wronged party, you are damned right that it is unfair that you busted your ass so she could cheat and get half of everything. So, as BlueRaspberry suggested, you should speak with your lawyer about the possibility of a post-nuptial agreement--their validity in your jurisdiction; what terms could be expected. I'm never one to say it should leave the other at an extreme disadvantage, as most likely it would not hold up in court. But to get some compensation/relief/advantage if needed? Hell yes.

You will never, EVER, get true justice for what has happened. After all, what would true justice be? But what you can do.....should do.....is look for ways to lessen the blow. Some financial safeguards are a great place to start.....assuming that you may attempt to reconcile. If your wife was totally against this, I think that it would speak even more volumes to her care about you and the marriage.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3820   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8672561
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 8:50 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

She said that OM was in a really low place and she felt guilty because of the part she played in it.

She's trying to comfort her lover and not her husband. She didn't even ask you if you were hurt from the brawl? But she was messaging her lover because he's in a 'low place'. She's still in love with AP despite know he's a POS.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672569
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Talk about having nothing to work with.

OM was angry at you about telling his wife threatened you, came to your house to confront you. You could have lost your life or your liberty, her concern if for him.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8672573
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 10:12 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

No doubt you are going to take a big financial hit if you divorce since you live in a no-fault state. But your WW is still in contact with the AP! She also wants to meet up with the OBS. Is she crazy? Maybe a sadist? How dare your WW contact the AP after what happened. Wow, I'd take the financial hit for fifteen years in order to get away from that terrible skank.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672590
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 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 10:06 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

OBS and I met for dinner. AP was feeding her lies about how my wife didn't mean anything to him, I showed her the texts to prove otherwise. We talked about our pending divorce, the fight with OM, the kids, and the affair. I offered her help with her situation, I gave her contact to my realtor in case they would be selling their house.

She gave me all the evidence that she could find - nothing that I didn't already know just that AP was shouldering almost all the expenses they had in the affair (hotels, meals, and gas). Other than that, it turns out AP cheated on her before with a coworker and OBS was gracious enough to let it slide and not report them as it would cause their family financial problems.

I asked her how she is feeling, and she told me that she feels unwanted, that her kindness simply go unnoticed and unappreciated. She's thinking it might be depression enhanced by the pregnancy hormones. AP also kept on begging her for him to come back to the house because of the baby but she wouldn't let him. She's worried about her kids and the baby and she said that she's thinking of forgiving AP again because she doesn't think she can go through this pregnancy alone. I told her that she's attractive and AP was just a piece of shit, not all men are like that and I offered to help her during the pregnancy and even pay for some check-ups.

We chat our way through dinner and as we finished and were saying our goodbye's she kissed me. She said that she's not sorry and that she just really needed that.

Before we separated I told her that my wife wanted to meet her to probably apologize and confess. OBS said she'll only do it with my present.

I don't know how to feel about OBS kissing me. It felt good but I also feel like it would end up haunting me later if I choose fully reconcile with my wife. I think OBS did that to gain back some confidence. I'm worried OBS might tell AP and AP to tell my wife and make things more complicated.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8672687
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jinkazama ( member #61319) posted at 10:30 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

So Your Wife is still in contact with AP???

I thiught you guys send NC letter

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8672690
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 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 10:42 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Wife isn't in contact with AP. We discussed this last weekend and she agreed. I have been secretly monitoring her social media accounts and so far, She hasn't broken the rules yet. She gave me all the passwords.

Should I tell my wife about what happened to OBS and me? I think it's better if I come clean. I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8672691
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:47 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Should I tell my wife about what happened to OBS and me? I think it's better if I come clean. I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.

Nope, you don't need to. She already went out of your marriage - that marriage is already broken. She doesn't need to know your personal agenda. You didn't cheat, let's be clear about that.

OBS knows you are the better catch. Your wife doesn't realize that but OBS does. She knows you're more reliable and more financially secure. Your wife doesn't know that because she's not from the outside. OBS knows coz she's been seeing you from afar. She knows your capacity. Your wife doesn't know that.

All the best!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672692
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:17 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

You don't need to say anything at this stage. You know, your marriage is over and you don't owe her anything.

I'm making this suggestion not because it's going to get you in trouble, but because it might mess up OBS. If it's okay with her, you can do whatever you want.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8672694
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 11:47 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Now you know that your WW and the POSOM have done to your life and that poor pregnant woman.

Why would your WW want to meet her? To feel better about herself?

You could give the OBS this web site if you don’t mind her reading your posts. People will help her here.

Are you still planing to D your WW?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8672697
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:41 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Have the OBS look up and read about serial cheaters. That’s what she’s dealing with.

As for your wife under the horrendous situation she’s put you and your family in you shouldn’t have had to make her cut contact.

I asked her if she was still in contact with OM. She admitted it, what she said was the truth. She said that OM was in a really low place and she felt guilty because of the part she played in it. She thought that she should at least let him down slowly. I asked her about what I feel. In the end, we sent OM an NC and she blocked him on "all" her social media - we'll see about that.

Sorry man but for your sake see this for what it is not what you want to see.

Hopium in this situation may get you more of what you’ve already gotten.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:44 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672741
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:48 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Always take control and be on the offensive.

Tell your wife that you met for dinner, what was discussed, and that the woman kissed you goodnight.

And describe the kiss in detail.

It's important that your wife hear it from you (not the AP).

For example, was it just a brief kiss; or with tongue and pressing her breasts into you???

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672742
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:50 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Has she read the books yet?

How did your wife arrange time to meet the OM with 4 kids at home?

Did your wife use your children's therapist as a babysitter in order to give her time to meet the OM?

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672743
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:39 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

If you R, yes tell your WW about the kiss. If you're going to D, why give yourself more problems by making it contentious? Whatever you do - make a choice and be at peace with it BEFORE you see OBS again to keep your integrity intact.

posts: 4969   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8672768
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 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Robert22205https,

Always take control and be on the offensive.

Tell your wife that you met for dinner, what was discussed, and that the woman kissed you goodnight.

And describe the kiss in detail.

It's important that your wife hear it from you (not the AP).

For example, was it just a brief kiss; or with tongue and pressing her breasts into you???

She just did it while I was talking and it took me off guard, I honestly wasn't expecting it and if it was pre-meditated, I wouldn't have agreed to it. She grabbed my face and bam! her tongue down my throat for a good 10 seconds.

How would this benefit me from telling my wife? I think it would just make things worse honestly. Should I just contact OBS to not tell a soul about that as it would only complicate things?

Has she read the books yet?

How did your wife arrange a time to meet the OM with 4 kids at home?

Did your wife use your children's therapist as a babysitter in order to give her time to meet the OM?

I told her to read "not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal.." last weekend, I don't know if she's actually reading them.

She made up excuses to go out during the weekends while my day off, and I suppose she used the therapist as a babysitter than an actual babysitter when the kids didn't need the therapist anymore.

src9043,

No doubt you are going to take a big financial hit if you divorce since you live in a no-fault state. But your WW is still in contact with the AP! She also wants to meet up with the OBS. Is she crazy? Maybe a sadist? How dare your WW contact the AP after what happened. Wow, I'd take the financial hit for fifteen years in order to get away from that terrible skank.

She's not in contact with AP anymore as far as I know. But yes, being in contact with that POS is just terrible.

ShutterHappy,

Now you know what your WW and the POSOM have done to your life and that poor pregnant woman.

Why would your WW want to meet her? To feel better about herself?

You could give the OBS this website if you don’t mind her reading your posts. People will help her here.

Are you still planing to D your WW?

She didn't know that OBS was pregnant during the affair. I think she feels guilt and "wants to make things right" in her own words - whatever that means.

I actually would like to try to reconcile but it depends on her actions. I'm just spiraling down between my emotions and thoughts. On moments filled with anger, I want nothing to do to her but some moments I just want my family intact and my wife back.

------------------

Regarding the postnup suggestion, I emailed my lawyer about this and he said that postnups don't usually stand up to court even with a lawyer present on both sides. Usually, it'll only work when both parties agreed to a prenup and then modify/update the terms to a postnup. He said that we can still look into that as an option and we will start drafting up the papers. Prenups and postnups don't look good when you're divorcing a SAHM for 8 years and a mother of 4 toddlers. But don't worry I'll still try this.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8672773
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 5:25 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I think she feels guilt and "wants to make things right" in her own words - whatever that means.

It means nothing. She's been fucking the husband of a pregnant mother. Some things can't be made right.

I don't know how to feel about OBS kissing me. It felt good but I also feel like it would end up haunting me later if I choose fully reconcile with my wife. I think OBS did that to gain back some confidence. I'm worried OBS might tell AP and AP to tell my wife and make things more complicated.

Don't worry about your wife's reaction, you're overthinking things.

Don't want to alarm you or anything, but the OM is obviously a loose cannon, fistfight #2 is a possibility I suppose.

posts: 346   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8672788
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 5:47 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

If you disclose the kiss to your WW it will be told to the AP in some way, manner or form. Do you really want the OBS to have to deal with him knowing that?

I recommend discretion for the foreseeable future.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 115   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8672800
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 5:48 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I actually would like to try to reconcile but it depends on her actions.

Then hopefully the comments in your thread will be oriented with that in mind.

If you want to R, it will be best to avoid meeting the OBS in person again. Don’t support her financially either. Tell her to come here for support (if you’re ok with it). I think you should tell your WW. If you want transparency from her, you have to be transparent as well.

For R, make sure you don’t settle with “good enough”. You don’t need a WW that bomb loves you. You need a WW that fixes herself.

I think the OBS feels depressed / low self esteem and is looking for someone to help her and because you are lending your shoulder, she’s starting to make bad decisions. She needs help.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8672801
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:52 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

She's not in contact with AP anymore as far as I know. But yes, being in contact with that POS is just terrible.

Don’t bet on it.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672804
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:27 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I think it’s impossible for men to understand how helpless a pregnant woman feels. This poor woman has to deal with the fact that she has a serial cheater for a husband and a father to her children. She kissed you out of desperation and you know it. Leave it alone. That was not a come on from her it was desperation. I think you need to stay in touch with her as a friend. She needs all the help she can get with her self-esteem. It’s at rock-bottom right now.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2911   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8672817
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