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It's been a little while since I have posted, but I am feeling some emotions today and I feel this is the safest place to express them. I feel sadness and finally mourning what I lost. I admit, in the past I attempted to block a lot of feelings about this day, but even in this very moment I am fighting tears. I am okay with being on this path by myself now and it feels like as the days go by I am embracing that there for sure is never going to be reconciliation. Lately, I have been trying to think about a plan for my life. I am trying to pursue a new career, one that I am actually passionate about. Not a career that someone pushed me into or encouraged me to do it because I didn't try or have the courage to go for it myself. Where do I want to live? That I am not sure yet, but It has to be a quiet place full of nature. Let me get back on track here. My feelings are more important. I go from feelings of trying to reach for something that is not real or will ever be and then I pull myself into rational thinking to ground myself back to reality. It's really hard and painful, but I can't keep living a life of what if's or fantasy. There are so many things that I want out of life, but I know I have to take things one at a time. Someone very close to me said earlier is that what I have is a feelings disease and I think that is so true. I actually feel a lot of things all the time, I just don't have the ability to know what do with them. When I am by myself, I try really hard to sit with them and focus on my thoughts. Like today is the year 3 since D-Day and I wanted to make sure I am present and not trying to avoid what this day means to me.

My mentality is different about this day is and I own up to the fact that this day I ended my marriage and the relationship with my family. I was going through some heavy and painful stuff, but that did not give me the right to hurt my family. I selfishly blamed people including my BS for bringing me to that point, but I realize if they didn't even exist in my life, I would have done the same things or worse. I understand most W's either have addictions or mental health issues that may have pushed them to this point, but I speak for myself in saying that I abandoned myself and my family in those moments, and chose to hurt them instead. I knew I was doing wrong and foolishly thought I could get away with it. I thought I was hidden from the world, but most people around me knew something was going on with me. I tried to play the victim card and still fall into the cycle of it, but time and time again, it keeps me stuck. What I am feeling are feelings I could have felt to help me face myself and what I have done. I am tired of running. I was reading in my book yesterday, that I can't be empathic to the one's I have hurt until I learn to be empathic and show compassion for myself. My BS has said this so many times. Every book I read it says most of what she has told me.

I don't need to talk of what happened and be words only, I would rather be compassionate and empathic to BS and those I hurt the most. I have made progress, and it's very hard for me to change, but I know I can do it. If I keep embracing what is real, and not ignore the feelings that come with it, it will get easier. I no longer want to be a victim, I will not keep dwelling on the past, or trying to control people especially how they feel. It's like I am getting to a point to where it's exhausting and it hurt me more and blocks any connection with others.

My goals as they will continue to be is to continue my recovery and make amends to those who I have hurt. Live my life on my own terms. I am here to just speak on my thoughts and feelings and take all this in for once. I am happy for those who made it out of this.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 12:19 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

I actually feel a lot of things all the time, I just don't have the ability to know what do with them

I believe this to be a really true statement on your part. I think that understanding and feeling your emotions is important, but I also think that too much of it can lead to paralysis. It’s easy to get tied up in feelings of depression, shame, sadness, loneliness, that we forget how to be.

What actions are you taking in order to heal and move forward? Introspection is useful, but what are your actions to progress forward?

Do you have plans or do you have ideas? When you have plans, you are actively working towards making those happen. Going to school, saving money, looking for housing, engaging in healthy activities. When you have ideas, it can often look like inaction. For example, I would love to own a food truck one day, however I am not doing anything to make it a reality. It’s just an idea or a dream.

So what do your actions say about your plans?