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Hey I'm here looking for some advice and words of wisdom in the past two years I've been struggling with my sex addiction especially with porn and it lead to cheating on my wife on multiple occasions first time I reached out to an ex for attention though it never got physical I still tryed to seek other women's attention second time it was exchanging photos with an old friends ex on both occasions my wife found out though I was sorry and swore it would never happen again because I truly love my wife I gave in to my sex addiction on several more occasions with massage parlor girls I really need to get a hold of this problem for the sake of my marriage and family any advice would help tremendously

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Hi and welcome to SI.

I honestly don't know anything about the struggles of sex addiction. Have you sought professional help for this? That seems like it would be the most logical first step.

When the impulse strikes, though it might feel like the time span between the want and the "hit" is lightning speed. You have many chances in between to gain control. The series of choices you make lends weight to your obvious desire for instant gratification.

Because if one were to stop mid spiral that would disrupt a whole slew of false comforts. Until you are comfortable with the uncomfortable, no one likes to be drawn-out of their comfort zones. And you'll have very little victories.

When you are going down that road, have you ever tried to stop the spiral? What does that look like for you? I imagine it doesn't feel so great, and I imagine you just talk yourself into the "hit" anyway. Have you ever had success in talking yourself out of it?

Are you aware that there is an organization called SAA Sex Addicts Anonymous? It is based on the 12 step principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. They helped me get started on a healthier path. A quick internet search will turn up their website. I just double checked and if you go to the "find a meeting" option you will get a list. Looks like almost all the meetings have gone virtual due to COVID but I would expect face to face meetings to restart soon. They are free sessions, you can get a sponsor. It was very helpful. Before my DDay I was a porn addict and visited prostitutes. I have not visited a sex worker or chatted for 10+ years but porn is so easy to get to I have backslid. Thank you for asking for this, I think I need to go back.

As I recall there is also SA Sexaholics Anonymous as well as SLAA Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My observation is that SA was very church oriented and very strict about the program while SLAA was very much not. SA was in the middle, we would end the group sessions with the Lord's Prayer but that was about it.

[This message edited by AvoidanceIssues at 12:29 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

Thanks for all the advice I am reaching out to a sex addict therapist to see if that can help. I guess the real advice I could really use is how to deal with the aftermath of my infidelity I want to get close to her to show her if I still love her and I'm sorry but I don't know if I'm being too pushy because I know she needs her space I guess what I'm saying is I don't know what to do

I think you should look for a CSAT in your area and start counseling ASAP. I would also, and another poster suggested, get involved in a 12 step program.

My WH is a sex addict. He had to do a ton of testing with a CSAT and he was really resistant to believe he had an addiction, but once he got to talking to the therapist he had a couple of breakthroughs. He actually felt a lot more hopeful about his future once he read about the cycle of addiction and acting out.

He is now seeing the therapist weekly and does a men's group once a week that his therapist hosts.

There are many steps in all of this, which include a full disclosure of all infidelities and an amends letter and recovery plan. It is helping us quite a bit.

My WH has a LOT of shame and we would be completely out of each other's lives if it weren't for his therapist. I would recommend finding a CSAT that also sees betrayed spouses. My WH's CSAT has helped him to see my pain. Empathy is a work in progress.

Tell your wife everything, now. Don't drag it out. I was told "that is everything, you know it all now" and that WASN'T everything and I cannot tell you how absolutely gut wrenching it is to have to drag information out of your WH and start the process all over of trying to sort out the trauma.

Be patient and kind with your wife. Answer her questions honestly and patiently. Show her what work you are doing. My WH is using a couple of workbooks and he shows me some of his work and that helps me to see that he is working hard.

Some of his workbooks are:

Help Her Heal: An Empathy Workbook for Sex Addicts to Help their Partners Heal

Sheets, Carol Juergensen

and

In Tandem: Recovering Me, Recovering Us (Volume 1)

Bird PhD, Mark H

While it is true that you cannot heal her and she cannot heal you, you do need to show her that you are trying to understand what pain you have caused her, and you need to show her that you want her and will do the hard work to show her that she can once again trust you with her heart. It is not going to be easy or quick and you need to make sure she knows you are willing to do the hard work. Also please let her know that you didn't cheat because of anything she lacks and that it isn't her fault.

Me again! Could you tell your wife about SI and encourage her to post or just read if she isn't comfortable with posting yet? I think that telling her you made this post would be a good step in showing you are reaching out for help.

I guess the real advice I could really use is how to deal with the aftermath of my infidelity I want to get close to her to show her if I still love her and I'm sorry but I don't know if I'm being too pushy because I know she needs her space I guess what I'm saying is I don't know what to do

Everyone is different and I am not sure how she is reacting specifically. If she is asking you to do something, do that! :) I have been having a hard time getting small tasks done. So to me helping with those things would be good. For instance if she usually does the dishes and cleans up the kitchen after dinner, do it for her. If she wakes the kids up in the morning, you do that for her. Ask her what she needs.

Tell her "thank you for giving me the opportunity to work on this. I am thankful to be here".

Early on my WH told me "I know I am lucky to be speaking to you at all" and it made me feel a little more heard. He also has said some stupid things that I will never forget. When your wife asks you a question, think before you speak. I don't mean lie. But my WH had a tendancy to say whatever he thought would end the conversation the fastest, whether it was true or hurtful, he just wanted to get out of the uncomfortable conversation ASAP. I think foreverlabeled's post is really very good. You are used to covering up your discomfort with sexual acting out. You need to get used to being uncomfortable. You can do that. Feel the feelings. You can do hard things.

Bring up the cheating and ask her how she is doing, what else she needs from you.

My WH's IC told him to put up a shield when I am upset and venting. No being defensive.

My WH has watched videos that were very good as well on Youtube from "Affair Recovery". If your wife is open to watching them with you that might help her as well.

Also give your wife access to your electronics, texts, etc. Do not delete texts, browser history, etc.

Get used to the idea that there isn't a sure-fire recipe for success. The pinned post at the top of the Wayward Forum and books like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" are excellent guidelines for things to try. However, there is nothing you can do that will entitle you to say to your spouse, "I did my part, so now you have to do ABC or feel XYZ." It's not a bargain or a contract. You do the right thing because it's the right thing and because it has a chance of lessening your wife's pain over time. That's it. No one can guarantee the outcome.

IF you are in a place that can manage the shame, I suggest listening to the Helping Couples Heal podcasts, tho I'd start with the 2-part interview with Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" (there's a thread you may find in General called "finally a therapist who gets it" or something like that - it was bumped in the last few days and I can bump it again if you need to). That interview (and helping couples heal) may be really hard for a new WS to hear and wade through. But I also believe learning and really understanding the devastation to the BS can be helpful, esp to find empathy.

My WH's CSAT recommended a book called "help her heal" by Carol J Sheets that you may find helpful.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is pretty standard WS/BS 101 - I'm told you can find it online. It's not a very long book, but has a lot of good guidance.

My WH's CSAT also recommended "out of the doghouse", but I did/do have some real issues with some of the advice WRT the sharing of info with the BS - or more like the continued keeping of secrets (there's a thread about this book in the "book club" forum here on SI, so you can see what others have to say). The author may think it's OK, but the vast majority (again - not all) of BS would not.

In my experience, and what I've seen on SI, one of the biggest stumblers is continued lies... about ANYTHING. If you are not 100% committed to absolute and unequivocal honesty in all things at all times (and lies of omission or the BS didn't ask the specifically right question is still a lie), you may need to ask yourself why you even want to try to remain in your M.

When was your dday?

Another spouse of a recovering SA.

My advice: Focus on your sobriety recovery. Until you've got your sobriety/recovery well in hand, nothing else can get fixed.

As for disclosure, ask what your wife wants.

I've had two separate d-days, about a decade apart. With DDay1, I didn't care about disclosure.

With DDay2, I did, but never got one.

I would also have preferred a therapeutic disclosure.

My husband gave me complete access to his devices. He kept the history in tact. Didn't stop him from using them in private mode to watch porn and act out.

The best thing you can do, now, is encourage your wife to educate herself fully on your addiction, and give her time and space to work through her boundaries and whatever else she needs. Give her time to engage in activities that will provide relief from the situation.

Don't make any promises to your wife, particularly when it comes to typical addictive behavior, if you don't have a decent amount of sobriety under your belt.

I would also suggest to ask your wife how she feels about the notion of an active addict loving someone. I have very strong opinions/beliefs on the matter. And DH trying to act in a way that goes against what I believe would just make things worse.

Ask your wife how much she wants to know, in terms of your struggle. Then work with someone on how to frame it so she's not in a position to be further hurt.