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Kids looking for a reason - what to say?

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Perdita1 posted 6/13/2021 15:33 PM

DD9 broke down crying today over daddy moving out. It was so sad. She brought up the why question again, but instead of fixating on that moved on to blaming us both for turning her life upside down.

Thanks for all the help and the book recommendation. Iím so upset that my kids have to go through this.

CoderMom posted 6/30/2021 21:35 PM

I am not an advocate for divorce. I have been through it as a kid of divorced parents and I had to go through it with my kids' dad because he chose the cheating.

What I do advocate for is the children in these situations because they are hurt horribly and need to be heard and time to heal. Have you thought about counseling for your DD9?

LostInHisFog posted 7/1/2021 03:26 AM

My SIL had to deal with this from her twin boys who were 8 constantly wanting to know 'why' dad was no longer there and I just called her so I could post here what she did because my nephews are brilliant, honestly there was zero impact on their development from it.

Her message back was make sure it's very black and white because young children do not understand the finer details of grey, she simply told them 'dad broke his marriage promise to mum so dad now lives elsewhere.' She was advised not to stress the boys were "still loved" by both parents because SIL had no control over what her ex would or would not do as people become unpredictable during D.

Mari104 wrote:

My son is 9 and he knows "daddy hurt mommy and broke his marriage promises to her." He knows that daddy "was doing things with another woman that was not mommy." He asks questions sometimes and I have been told by my therapist as well as my children's therapist to ALWAYS be honest with them.

Very similar to what my SIL said, young children understand the gravity of breaking promises.

If still uncertain you can call any child therapist and have a meeting with them and you can structure what to say. The kids don't have to go to therapy, the therapist will only give you helpful advice on how to approach this, a one off. It also doesn't hurt to meet one in case you notice behavior issues stemming from the D.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:27 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

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