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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 13:49 PM

Robert you are probably right about the massage business and that she is supporting him. That would explain alot.

Asc1226 yeah you are right the money it would take to get custody wouldnt even be an option for the guy to try. But if she stays with him she has more than enough money to fight me on it.

jujuchrist posted 5/27/2021 13:50 PM

Hi

So sorry for what you're living..

How was it between you two? Were you both happy in your couple?
Prepare yourself mentally for D and try not to be scared by it. It's okay, it's the end of a story but not the end of your story.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 1:58 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

This0is0Fine posted 5/27/2021 13:51 PM

Lover is a shit word that I wouldn't allow in your vocabulary. It got used in front of me a couple times, and I found it effective to immediately say, "affair partner" when I heard it.

src9043 posted 5/27/2021 13:58 PM

Very sorry you are going through this crap. I went through it myself. You are going to get a lot of good advice from many on this site. Whether you want to continue the marriage is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't do so. I am going to tell you something that many on this site may disagree with, but stop being a stay-at-home dad. You need to work. Any stay-at-home spouse puts themselves in a precarious position by not working and establishing a career. That especially goes for men. It is also a reason that you may be reluctant to divorce your cheating wife. You cannot be at her economic mercy. Get a divorce, get a career, if necessary, go back to school or learn a trade. But, your day as a stay-at-home should come to an end in the near future. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically by spending time with friends and family and working out. This is a wake-up call. Don't allow anyone to put you behind the eight ball ever again.

asc1226 posted 5/27/2021 14:03 PM

Asc1226 yeah you are right the money it would take to get custody wouldnt even be an option for the guy to try. But if she stays with him she has more than enough money to fight me on it.

If she stays with him sheíll have a lot less money to do it with. Youíre a stay at home dad, which likely means alimony and child support are going to be a bitch. Thatís assuming that Erica will be happy to have her. Sex with a rich sugar momma is a lot different from a committed relationship with someone who all of a sudden canít afford nice hotel rooms and canít float you a grand here and there.

Robert22205https posted 5/27/2021 14:06 PM

Check with an attorney but if adultery is still a crime in Idaho (and it used to be) then both your wife and the OM have a lot to loose (including his business license).

Also, all money she's paid to or on the other man will likely come out of her share of assets if there's a divorce.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:07 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 14:06 PM

Sharkman
Bluerasperry
ElKAPPYTan
This0is0fine
Juju

Thank you for more good information. I will try to check around this afternoon for a PI as well as a divorce lawyer. Maybe I can find something quicker than I think.

Lover is for sure a shit word I like yours better.

As for for us a couple, we have never had that perfect paradise marriage but I always felt like we were on the same page as far as being honest. I felt like I would rate the marriage as normal and content. Not bad by any means. Never to the point I thought she would cheat. We had friends even recently that had cheating, and she would go on a tirade to me about how selfish that was and disgusting somebody would do that.

Before we had kids we both decided that we wanted to make the marriage even better so we decided to go to counseling to make sure we were strong enoigh to take on that stress as a couple. And I felt like we were in a good place. She agreed as well so we proceeded to have kids. Since having kids, she has wanted continued to see the therapist on her own saying it helps her keep mental clarity.

Freeme posted 5/27/2021 14:10 PM

I think you should talk to a lawyer before you confront. Many will give you a free one hour consult. You might not want a divorce but knowledge is power. It would be good for you to know what a divorce would look like... it might not be as bad as you think.

You should also be getting access to your accounts. look around, be sneaky, ask for it outright... this is your marriage, these are your kids, you have every right to know what's being spent also.

I agree with everyone about confronting at the hotel. There's no reason to do it and you've already got enough proof.

Can you use the internet and find out more about this guy? Is he married? Is he in a relationship (besides your wife). If so you need to tell the OBS what's going on.

Good luck.

Butforthegrace posted 5/27/2021 14:12 PM

If you can't wait, then I suggest you consider using the following as a script. Talk to her in person, next time you and her are together. Do NOT confront via text or email. It's weak.

Wife, I know you are cheating on me with AP, and I know that it has been going on for at least a year or two. I don't plan to debate with you the fact that you have been cheating. I have quietly collected a lot of information, including pictures and messages, that document what you have been doing. I know you have been having a sexual affair with him, that you have been meeting him in hotels, and that you have been giving family money to him.

It is clear to me that you find happiness with AP. The amount of time, energy, and money you have invested in your relationship with him speaks for itself. I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to know that you are free to spend as much time as you like with AP.

But not as my wife. I won't share you with AP, nor any other man. Therefore, I am going to take steps to end our marriage. I wish you happiness in your life with AP.

Then, implement The 180. You can read about The 180 in The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page).

Keep in mind that you cannot control her. You can only control you. Our goal here on SI is to get a betrayed husband out of infidelity.

If your WW desires an opportunity to R with you, she will tell you this, not with her words, but with her actions. As long as she is not doing that, I suggest you continue your plans to get yourself out of the marriage.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 14:13 PM

Get strong quick and stay there. If you donít take control of yourself she will.

BlueRaspberry posted 5/27/2021 14:17 PM

iceman,

Another reason to not confront until you meet with a lawyer is to determine if the evidence you have will hold up in court. If Idaho does have infidelity laws that will help in a divorce, you want your evidence to hold up in divorce proceedings. You may need/want to get a PI to bolster the evidence you currently have. However, you can only find out what you need after you consult with a good lawyer.

This0is0Fine posted 5/27/2021 14:20 PM

As for for us a couple, we have never had that perfect paradise marriage but I always felt like we were on the same page as far as being honest. I felt like I would rate the marriage as normal and content. Not bad by any means. Never to the point I thought she would cheat. We had friends even recently that had cheating, and she would go on a tirade to me about how selfish that was and disgusting somebody would do that.

Here's one of the best reasons to find this site. You will quickly learn that the quality of a marriage has little to do with why someone cheats. It's a lack of quality on the part of the cheater.

Before we had kids we both decided that we wanted to make the marriage even better so we decided to go to counseling to make sure we were strong enoigh to take on that stress as a couple. And I felt like we were in a good place. She agreed as well so we proceeded to have kids. Since having kids, she has wanted continued to see the therapist on her own saying it helps her keep mental clarity.

EDIT: Accidentally hit submit before this part.

This is actually super troubling. She is either wholesale lying to the therapist or the therapist is endorsing her affair. That's going to be it's own thing to unravel (if you care or bother to).

You haven't really made it clear (and it's normal to not feel clear) if you think there is any path to R, or if this is a dealbreaker for you. I think that's the first mental bridge you need to cross.

EDIT 2: A quick google search shows Idaho does have at-fault divorce for adultery, and adultery itself is even a crime.

Idaho Stat. ß 18-6601 (2021)

18-6601. ADULTERY. A married man who has sexual intercourse with a woman not his wife, an unmarried man who has sexual intercourse with a married woman, a married woman who has sexual intercourse with a man not her husband, and an unmarried woman who has sexual intercourse with a married man, shall be guilty of adultery, and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $100, or by imprisonment in the county jail for not less than three months, or by imprisonment in the state penitentiary for a period not exceeding three years, or in the county jail for a period not exceeding one year, or by fine not exceeding $1000.

Ha, most states don't have those on the books anymore.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 2:27 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 14:34 PM

I am honestly shocked at how many people are on here showing support and helping me. I truly cant express how much that means. Thank you all so much.

Src9043
Agreed I really need to start working again. I hate feeling trapped when shd makes the money.


Asc1226
Yes the grass is always greener when there are no responsibilities.

Robert
Good to know I will check with an attorney on that

Freeme
Agreed I will try to start tracking where all the bank accounts are this afternoon. I could find much on the guy. I bought a beenverified account which gave me his address as well as the phone number, but not much else. He was emailing her from a college email address. I think he is only 22 or 24. Couldnt find any information about a spouse for him so I assume there is none.

Butforthegrace,
Thank you the script is great. Do you think I should keep my cards close though and not reveal everything i know right away.

Blueraspberry
Good call I will try to check with a lawyer on that so I know how to proceed.

Marz
Thanks trying to stay strong. It makes it so much harder that we have been together since high school and college.

I never even been on a date with another woman. I know I am my own person but it is hard not to feel alone and that I need her when we have been together for so long.

elKAPPYtan posted 5/27/2021 14:35 PM

iceman,
Another reason to not confront until you meet with a lawyer is to determine if the evidence you have will hold up in court. If Idaho does have infidelity laws that will help in a divorce, you want your evidence to hold up in divorce proceedings. You may need/want to get a PI to bolster the evidence you currently have. However, you can only find out what you need after you consult with a good lawyer.

this right here. A lawyer will tell you if what you have collected so far is enough or not, is inadmissible or not. I don't know what evidence is needed, or if it matters how it was obtained, a lawyer will.


You might wanna prepare yourself mentally for sitting on this information until the next time they meet up, to have your PI there ready, as excruciating as that sounds.

BeyondRage posted 5/27/2021 14:37 PM

Iceman

You do not need any more information to confront her. You've got enough already documented to divorce her twenty times if you wanted to.

What are you going to gain by keeping your mouth shut knowing what she is going to do tomorrow or whenever you have confirmed the next meeting is other than the have more of your guts taken out.

You are wasting your time having ANY conversation with her other than telling her you know exactly what she has been doing. Or do you want to sit there and listen to a whole bunch of bull shit.

Your conversation right now needs to be with an attorney before you worry about any of this IC or MC stuff that will surely be recommended to you.

And knowing how long this has been going on your first requirement should she want to come clean should be a polygraph test. Or it is very likely you will go through months or longer of lies, minimization, and more deceit.

It is not likely you may be wrong on what she has been doing. Why waste your money on a PI.

And for heavens sake, stay the fuck away from the hotel and the OM. The last thing you need is to wind up in jail or get your ass kicked by this boy toy she is banging.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 14:38 PM

All cheaters lie a lot. A lot.

Youíll probably get this upfront:

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This is on her 100%.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:39 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 14:40 PM

This0isfine

Thanks for taking the time to look up the idaho law. Funny those parts are in there.

Yeah that was my thought with the therapist too. I actually did not like her because i felt likd shd was pushing us towards divorce when we first went. I told that to my wife but she didnt want to see anybody else. The therapist actually divorced a husband that cheated on her. I have have also wondered if she is pushing the affair, or possibly experimentation to find happiness.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 14:40 PM

Just remember no one can make you a chump unless you let them.

Good luck

Cooley2here posted 5/27/2021 14:42 PM

When did you start staying home with the kids? Was it at her suggestion? I would assume thatís when the affair began. Even if those kids are not biologically yours they are most definitely emotionally yours. At some point down the line you might be interested in a DNA test but truthfully your love for them is going to supersede any DNA. I am with these people 100%. Get yourself to an attorney tomorrow and get yourself a PI. Stay away from the hotel or any other place you might see them together. Confrontation is only going to make it worse for you. Until then you can certainly sleep in another room and tell her you think you might be coming down with something youíre not sure. If she is that divorced from you emotionally she might not be paying much attention to you anyway.

This is a harsh thing to say but I see no option but divorce. Long term affairs are not just for sex. They are emotional connections. You have years ahead of you to find a new life.

Btw, she might use that old standby that she was afraid to end it because he threatened to tell you. So what. She didnít turn him down the first time, did she? Get ready for a lot of manipulation. Cheaters lie and liars cheat and you are married to a doozy.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:45 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

jujuchrist posted 5/27/2021 14:45 PM

Excuse my English (not my first language)

What you need is to get back on track.
Start to be aware of your new future life, get back to work, regain some self-respect. Take control on your life.

Don't let the control of the narrative to your wife (or rather your ex-wife, I would say... A 3 year affair given everything you've read will be hard to overcome even if she wants to). If she portrays you as a bad person then expose the affair. Your respect first.

Today is the beginning of your new life. This affair will hurt you but see it as an opportunity to define your new life.

If I were you, I would confront her right now with the script you've been given because it would be too much for me to play a game knowing what is going on behind my back, and you already have a lot of evidence.

Also... Go get tested for ist and ask that your ex-wife do the same.

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