browneyes89 posted 4/17/2021 01:14 AM

I’ve been on this site off and on for the last 3 years. Here’s my back story. 3 years ago yesterday my husband admitted to his 2 month affair. We initially were going to divorce but ultimately reconciled. I received individual counseling the first couple months after d day and he did as well. We had a few couple sessions also.
He had a “hiccup” a year and a half later with some porn use, etc. and we received couples counseling after that for about 6 months. We have not had any sessions for the last year. And for the most part, have been doing very well.
However, there are 2 times that still get me every year, the anniversary of when the affair started and the anniversary of d day. I always think maybe this year will be different and try to just get through it but eventually the dam breaks and it all rushes in. Usually resulting in an argument about some trivial thing which then I have to explain what it’s really about. Which is what happened last night.
I’m not sure what I want to achieve. I think I get aggravated because I’m dealing with all these awful memories and he’s just carrying on living life.
Is this normal? Does this ever end? Will I ever get to a point where the days of these memories come and go and I don’t even realize it?

rugswept posted 4/17/2021 08:19 AM

It's very common for BS to have serious A flare ups around the anniversaries you identified. The whole A thing is always there and the negative feelings decline over time and then come at us again. That's what is happening to you. This is all completely normal.

In your case you seem to be affected by the idea of how unfair this was to you. You got to live the misery of his selfishness and his life is just kinda going on. And, once there's an A, we're all thinking that maybe there's another one on the way. Innocence and trust is lost once, and then it's over.

You said you're doing well and things are ok. Focus on the progress you've made and not the setbacks. You'll be much better over time, and yes, the worst of this is now behind you. Keep it there.

We all wish you the best, especially during difficult times.

[This message edited by rugswept at 8:20 AM, April 17th (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 4/17/2021 09:44 AM

I suggest talking with him to share your feelings and thoughts about these dates and to find out what he thinks and feels. Looks can be deceiving.

If you are oriented towards dates - I'm an ex-historian, so dates mean a lot to me - those 2 dates can have a lot of power for a long time. Eventually, though, they won't.

I'm 10 years out. I've forgotten the start of PA dates a few times in the last 5 years. Now I'm not even sure what that date is. I expect I'd have forgotten earlier and more often, except that I'm on SI a lot.

Now, d-day is a day to do something nice.

IOW, I think you're going through a normal progression. It really sucks until you can approach those dates without getting agitated, but that time is very likely to come.

BoundaryBuilder posted 4/21/2021 15:02 PM

Hello browneyes89!
Fellow three year veteran here. Actually, today is the three year antiversary of our D Day. He disappeared overnight April 21 2018 - the only time he disappeared over night. The worst memories around this date are how his behavior damaged our family. That he chose to not keep his d*** in his pants and pursued AP when our Daughter was home from college for a weekend visit. When Husband mounted his motorcycle that morning and literally disappeared without a word to secretly hook up overnight at Cockroach’s house, Daughter and I were worried sick. He didn't respond to our frantic texts and phone calls. We got no sleep that long night; haunted by visions of him lying mangled in the middle of the road after a horrific accident. Great memories (not).

The good news is I didn't remember the significance of April 21st until this morning when checking calendar appointments. That "oh yeah" feeling was a jolt, and my stomach did knot up. I dealt with it by stepping outside to enjoy the spring weather, appreciate my life and listen to the birds sing. Got online at SI to vent, which is also helping. Feeling okay - at least for right now.

For me, the passage of time lessened the triggers. Anticipating A antiversary dates has morphed into remembering the A "season" when the EA turned physical. Which also sucks, but not as much as dreading specific dates. This spring I remembered that shitty time even if I temporarily forgot about the D Day date. But it is GETTING BETTER! Yay. So, yes there is hope that given time and consistent support from our Husbands, eventually those antiversaries will pass unnoticed. In the meantime, take time to do something nice for you on those dates. Get together with friends, do something YOU like to do. If you're up to it, maybe reclaim those dates by doing things with your H. The last couple of years I scheduled quick getaways in early spring for the two of us. Yes, I did the scheduling. Whatever. It helped ME, and helped reclaim the A season for BOTH of us.

And.......yes, it is normal to feel aggravated that our Husband's don't appear to internalize the traumas around antiversaries (or the A) the way we betrayed do. But don't assume. I echo Sisoon's recommendation to talk to your H about your feelings, and to check in on how HE feels about these dates. It is aggravating that my H carries on without the emotional distress of remembering D Days, etc. He didn't have to meditate deeply on bird song to purge triggers this morning We certainly didn't rug sweep the A and the aftermath is a well trod subject in our marriage. But, he's moved on. He doesn't think much about it these days. I wouldn't say it's been easy for him, but he didn't develop PTSD from his self entitled behavior. I'm the one still dealing with that. Which definitely impacts our marriage. Communication is all important to get through the bad times. Focusing on the progress made is also helpful, as suggested by Rugswept. I'm going to talk to H right now about my feelings, and see how he's feeling about today. Hope this helps browneyes89! Hang in there. Wishing you the best during this time.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:09 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

browneyes89 posted 4/25/2021 01:13 AM

Thank you all for the responses. @rugswept yes I think I have some resentment towards him in dealing with the aftermath. But agree that I need to focus more on the progress made during these challenging times.. @sisoon it has been a while since we have had a good heart to heart- lay- it-all -out- on- the - table talk session. It would definitely do us good to talk through some things. I appreciate the reassurance. @Boundary Builder nice to meet a fellow 3 year veteran and hear your story. I like the idea of making those days a day for me or reclaiming those days for us. Yes, I think I do have resentment in that I feel as though I am still dealing with the bad memories of this time but I do need to communicate that with him instead of trying to internalize it all. Thanks for the reassurance that it does get better.