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I'm having a really hard time

Youknowit22 posted 4/12/2021 13:35 PM

Hey All,

At this point I don't know where else to turn. I am an emotional wreck and while my family is supportive they have no idea what I am going through.

A little background. About a year ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman in another state. For about 9 months we tried to work things out all the while I kept catching him talking to this woman when he said he wouldn't. While all of this back and forth between us was going on I gave birth and he convinced me to sell our house and move into an apartment with hopes of "getting our dream home" We have 3 young children and I really wanted to make our marriage work for them and also for me so I went along with it all.
January was the last straw. I found out he was talking to her again and I made the decision to move out. I moved out and he was on top of me trying to make things work. He went to counseling (like 3 whole times) he got on the same cell phone plan as me so I could monitor his calls, etc. He moved in with me in February and we were trying.
We put money down on our dream home and are waiting for it to be built.
The day before Easter I found out he had gone on 2 dates with a different woman, one who lives in our state. This was too much for me and I exploded. I got into trouble because of it.
Now my whole life is falling apart. The house is no longer an option and I am fairly certain we need a divorce but I just can't stomach the thought of being a part time parent. I have been the sole provider for my kids since the day they were born. I have done everything for them.
I need some words of encouragement. I know getting out is the right thing to do. I have been emotionally and mentally abused by him for a year now. I just look back at what I thought my life was going to be and this is no where near it. I am so sad. I need to hear it gets better.
Thanks for reading my rambling. sometimes is just feels good to connect with people that have gone through it or are going through it just the same.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/12/2021 14:29 PM

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I am starting to wonder if I am fortunate that my WS completely refused any R.

I does not sound like the cycle is ever going to break. D is going to be your way out of the cycle, it's scary but better than continued false Rs.

Just remember there are those before you who have gone into single motherhood and come out better than the abusive relationship they were in. Lots of advice to be found here.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/12/2021 14:31 PM

Hey YKI22

I am sorry you are struggling. Please take a deep breathe.

1) It gets better. It gets better when things change. And you are the only one who can make the change. (He has proven he has no interest in changing.)
2) You will be okay. Really.
3) Many say that once they get used to not having the kids full-time they end up liking it. When they have the kids they can be 100% focused on them. And they get some time to themselves.
4) See a lawyer (or two) ASAP and donít tell him. Understand your rights, what divorce might look like. Much of our fear is really that we donít have enough information. Knowledge is power. Get the info and you will be empowered.

What do you mean you got in trouble? Can you explain this a bit more?

Hang in there. Getting out infidelity is the goal. He is leaving you few options.
Sending strength-


The1stWife posted 4/13/2021 06:02 AM

Iím so sorry for you. You deserve better than this.

I suggest seeing a lawyer to understand the D process. It may take you time to see this may be your only option. His continuing to cheat is not something that you can live with for very long.

Get your exit plan together. It may take some time but have a plan. You need to figure out custody and visitation at a minimum.

Anna123 posted 4/13/2021 07:34 AM

but I just can't stomach the thought of being a part time parent.

You are always a parent, and sometimes the children will be with dad and odds are you will come to enjoy that break-time.

You are just learning to adjust to this new way of thinking (not being married). While it is gut-wrenching, remember at the same time to be prepared to quietly move 1/2 the money to accounts only in your name if you don't have that set up. Not sure where the money is that has been put down but maybe you can get that back? Thank God you didn't build the house. What a selfish prick allowing you to go along with this while being a cheat. ('Dating' while married WTF)

Quietly see a couple of lawyers to get an idea of what divorce looks like. Drink lots of water and get some food down even if you aren't interested in that right now.

I promise the emotions of this are actually harder to deal with than the actual steps you will need to take. The result is a pleasant freedom from being entwined with an underhanded liar who actively disrespects you.

You are not alone. I used to listen to the Christian music stations in my car a lot when things were hitting the fan, it was really comforting, even if you aren't religious but spiritual, just in a comforting sense. I also made a mix of uplifting overcoming cheating songs that I would listen to at night if I couldn't sleep.

Going on two dates after everything, yeah, exploding is a natural reaction. Sorry he pushed you to that. You can now move forward and away from all of this.

Take care.

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