SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cannot believe I'm writing this. Never , ever did I think I would be writing a post like this about my loving, devoted wife of 10 years.

We live together in the city with our 3 young children, which is where I grew up, but she is from a small rural town 3 hours away.

She lived in the city for 4 years before we got together officially (we were just friends all that time) and I told her that my life was in the city, and I don't think I could do country life.

For ten years she has talked about moving back home. I have told her every time it's not what I want. Our business, our children's school, and our lives are here in the city.

4 weeks ago she went to a wedding in her hometown without me (I told her to go as I didn't know the B&G.) When she returned home I asked her if she danced with anyone. She said she did, and I told her I felt a bit jealous. But I absolutely trusted my wife. She has only ever been the perfect model of loyalty.

The next weekend she was going up again, this time, all of a sudden to an old school friend's birthday party. Hmmm, strange, but ok. I was happy for her to go. When she got home she confessed that she had not stayed with family, but had spent the weekend on her own, just trying to have a break from the kids.

I started to feel not right about something. I told her I felt like she's deceived me about why she went up, and asked her why she couldn't just be honest.

Well I've been feeling less of her love and adoration lately and it's really spiked my anxiety.We were in her hometown over Easter and a few things didn't sit right, like a 2-hour walk, and a long dinner with her sister.

We came home and I felt paranoid. I hated it. Something was wrong, and she put it down to how much she wants us to move to her hometown. (why? because she wants to be closer to her family, and have our children experience the same childhood she did.)

I went to see my therapist and he asked me "is there someone else?" and I'm like "no way, never, not my wife." But when I got home I pushed past my general rule of not snooping, and looked on her computer, and sure enough there it was in all its sexually explicit glory. Weeks and weeks of messages between them. They had sex, multiple times, and she loved it. When she went out for her walk, she went to see him, and when she went for dinner - well that was just an excuse to be out, and she went to see him again.

I could tell from the tone of the conversation that she was quite smitten with this guy. This scumbag, who knowingly takes a drunk married woman to bed. But his responses were indifferent and he seemed to be losing interest fast. I was so shaken by what I was reading. It must be some mistake.

She came home and I confronted her. I was so upset. I told her she's destroyed our lives and needs to leave. I want a divorce, and you get nothing.

This was 2 days ago and we have done so much talking since then.

The thing is, she was living out some ridiculous fantasy about this guy who already lives in her hometown that can save her from her marriage to someone dead set on staying in the city. I am am truly heartbroken with what she's done to me. It feels like such a violation that she has allowed this man to experience her physically. It is the ultimate betrayal of trust, and I want to hate her for it and tell her our marriage is over for good, and to leave. I always believed cheating was a deal breaker. She certainly made that clear to me.

But...

I still love her. She is still the mother of my children, and a big part of me wants to fight for our family's survival.

Thing is, she is a human, and she has made a mistake. The mother of all mistakes. So do I kick her to the curb or do I start the process of rebuilding our marriage and its foundation.

I have suggested she go away for a couple of days to her sister's. I asked her if she will see him, and she said probably. Because she needs to ask him why he's changed in the last few weeks.

I told her in no uncertain terms that if she goes to see this guy, it is over for us. The only acceptable communication with him will be to tell him she's made a huge mistake and goodbye.

She says her unhappiness is a result of my not wanting to move to her hometown. But I also believe it's because she feels she doesn't deserve the life we have in the city. She stepped into my life when I was already well established financially, and so money (or lack of) has never been of any concern for her (she is a responsible spender.) She's gone to this loser because she feels that the life he has is what she deserves.

I've read many posts from people that have said the recovery from an affair was the start of something even better. I am hopeful that this could be the start of a deeper and more honest connection. I of course realize a ton of work needs to be done for me to trust her again. But she is the mother of my children, and despite this mistake, I love her.

She says she is torn between her life in the city and this new guy. I told her he's a scumbag, he's nothing. He takes other men's wives to bed. He has no integrity, nor morals. I really hope she realizes this this fantasy she's living in.

I genuinely believe my wife is truly sorry for the pain she has caused me, but I don't believe she's yet realized the true gravity of what she's chosen. I really hope for our children's sake that she chooses the repair route. This will involve many months of counseling sessions for sure.

I'm not really sure why I am posting this because. Really I'm just looking for some encouragement that there's hope for us to get through this. I thought cheating was the most unforgivable act of betrayal. She always expressed her fear that I would cheat on her. I've been unfailingly loyal for all ten years of our marriage.

[This message edited by LittleAndyUnicorn at 2:20 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

[This message edited by LittleAndyUnicorn at 8:20 PM, Saturday, April 10th]

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

I asked her if she will see him, and she said probably. Because she needs to ask him why he's changed in the last few weeks

Your wife MUST stop communicating with this guy. Period. Non-negotiable, she owes him nothing and he owes her absolutely no explanation. IF there's ANY chance for your marriage to survive, no contact is a must with her affair partner. If she is truly remorseful, she will stay home and face the destruction she has caused to you, the marriage, and the family.

Also, understand cheating is a choice, not a mistake, a series of choices. BTW, please stop blaming the other guy, it's your wife who chose to betray you. Repeatedly.

She says her unhappiness is a result of my not wanting to move to her hometown. But I also believe it's because she feels she doesn't deserve the life we have in the city. She stepped into my life when I was already well established financially, and so money (or lack of) has never been of any concern for her (she is a responsible spender.) She's gone to this loser because she feels that the life he has is what she deserves.

^^^poor excuse. There's never any justification for an affair.

Your marriage can survive IF she is truly remorseful, cuts all ties with this guy, seeks therapy, does everything you need her to do, is accountable for her whereabouts at all times, is completely transparent with her phone, social media, etc. She must build back trust.

There's a great book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. Probably a two hour read. Start there.

Continue with your therapist because healing from infidelity is a marathon, not a sprint, 2-5 years, and sometimes more.

Did she communicate with this guy before the wedding? Is her sister helping her with this betrayal since you said she used dinner at her sister's as an excuse to meet up with the AP?

On my way out, there will be other members supporting you shortly. Weekends are a bit slow.

Try to exercise, eat healthy, don't drink alcohol, if you need sleep aides, check with your doctor. Both of you need to be tested for STDs asap.

The Healing Library is chock full of great articles, spend some time garnering knowledge.

Edited to add: Lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend or member of the clergy if you need to talk this through.

[This message edited by annb at 2:55 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Decaynes,

So sorry you find yourself here. Check out the healing library in the yellow box, upper left corner of the page. Also the pinned threads at the top of this forum.

she has made a mistake

A mistake is burning the toast. She made a decision. Actually hundreds of decisions, small and large, to lie, deceive and cheat.

I have suggested she go away for a couple of days to her sister's. I asked her if she will see him, and she said probably. Because she needs to ask him why he's changed in the last few weeks.

She absolutely will see him, and she absolutely will have sex with him. If contact continues the affair continues. Expose her affair to her family. Nothing kills an affair quicker than exposure. It changes it from a special fantasy to the grubby, dirty and common cheating that it truly is. If her sister covered for her make sure her family and husband know this too.

Weekends can be a little slow around here but others should be along shortly.

I wrote this post yesterday for Reddit and someone suggested this site so it was a copy and paste from what is now feels like a lifetime ago.

My wife has gone to her sister's and the entire time she has gone she has been sending me messages, photos, and videos. She is talking to me like her old self, ending messages with "xx".

I am trying to not be too accessible to her, so I'm thinking the next time I hear from her I will ask her to only message me in relation to the children, as I don't want her to be getting her emotional needs met by me. She needs to know this is not just about her figuring out what she really wants, but also I am doing a lot of thinking too about whether this is worth saving.

What I'm trying to do right now is not tell myself that it's a sure thing that she will return and we will start the rebuilding. There's every possibility that she will decide we can no longer be married. But in my heart I really feel she will come back to me once she realizes (or has realized already) that whatever this thing was was just pure fantasy and a temporary escape from the real issues -- which lie with her.

Your marriage can survive IF she is truly remorseful, cuts all ties with this guy, seeks therapy, does everything you need her to do, is accountable for her whereabouts at all times, is completely transparent with her phone, social media, etc. She must build back trust.

Thank you, this is perfect.

If her sister covered for her make sure her family and husband know this too.

I have messaged her sister and she said she was so sorry that she wasn't able to say anything to me over the weekend as it is my wife's job. I told her that is absolutely true. I really like the idea though that her husband knows she was covering for her sister.

[This message edited by LittleAndyUnicorn at 3:19 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

[This message edited by LittleAndyUnicorn at 9:19 PM, Saturday, April 10th]

We came home and I felt paranoid.

The gut is almost always right, trust your gut.

She put it down to how much she wants us to move to her hometown.

This feels like gaslighting. Look it up. It's helpful to know when you're being gaslit. Know it when you see it and don't stand for it.

Do you kick her to the curb? I don't know, that's up to you. What I would say is that you are way too early in the process. You need to take some time to process things...like a lot of time. You are going to experience a roller coaster of emotions over the next few months, so get ready for it. I don't say this to frighten you, I say it because I want you to be ready. Turn your shoulder and lean into the wind.

She says her unhappiness is my not wanting to move to her hometown.

Ummmm, OK...so the answer is to sleep with another man and stab you in the back in the worst way possible? Fuck that. That's blame shifting. It's all on her...you have no blame here. The solution to that problem does not lie in another man's dick. Tell her to take that stupid excuse and shove it up her ass. And when she's ready to discuss and deal with problems like an adult, then you will be ready to talk.

I'm sorry for the vulgarity but this shit pisses me off.

She says she is torn between her life in the city and this new guy.

There is a choice here and she made it. I'm sorry but the choice is not you. Think about it. If you were her one and only true love, would she be torn?

I'm just looking for some encouragement.

There is always hope...but...the wayward spouse has to do a lot of heavy lifting..a lot of heavy lifting. If she is telling you that she is "torn between" you and going back to her hometown to be with fuck buddy, then she is no where near reconciliation. At this time she should be no where near that POS. If you want to stay together there has to be no contact. Let me be clear on what no contact means...no "one more time", no "we're just friends" no occasional text, no going to birthday parties or weddings where he will be present. No contact....I can't say it enough...no contact means NO FUCKING CONTACT...NONE...NADA...ZIP...ZERO. Did I mention no contact? If there is continued contact, then sorry there is no hope for your marriage.

Watch her actions very carefully. The phone is always a dead giveaway. Is she hiding it, does she turn it away when you are near, is a password added or changed, does she put it facedown, can you hear or see it being put down every time you enter the room, is it always with her? Is the phone dead and needs charging every time she comes home from work?

Other actions too. If you are going to reconcile she has to show you that she wants to. Look up "affair fog." You can't just snap someone out of it...and if she's in it your in for a rough ride. It's rare to snap someone out of it.

One way to stop an affair is exposure. Is the other guy married?, tell the other betrayed partner, like now and without warning. It's like cockroaches and sunlight.

Also look up "betrayal trauma." It hurts like a motherfucker. It helps to know what is happening to you.

Make sure you eat, drink, sleep and exercise. Seriously, get up and get a glass of water right now. Go for a walk today if nothing else. Get protein bars or shakes if you can't eat. You need to be healthy for your kids. See your doctor. Get a sleep aid...lord knows I needed one. Do a little more each day.

Please focus on YOU, take care of yourself.

Read what you can here. See the healing library on the top left.

Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.

What I'd like to ask you all is, I told her this yesterday:

If you see him this weekend, it is over for us. The only communication with him I would accept is a message saying "I made a huge mistake with you. I love my husband and I am going to work now on repairing my marriage. Goodbye."

I would hope that if she has made such contact that she would now message me and tell me so.

But, should I ask her if she has put a stop to it yet? It's been nearly 48 hours since the affair was exposed. Or should I simply wait for her confirmation (or lack of?)

LittleAndyUnicorn,

I am very sorry this is happening to you. You are still very much in love with your wife but the truth is, you need two people in love to make a marriage work. You cannot force your wife to love you, honor her commitments, and be the safe partner you deserve. That said, I would offer the following recommendations:

Take Care of Yourself

Infidelity is trauma, so you need to first and foremost take care of yourself. You need to make sure you are eating cleanly, drinking plenty of water, exercising regularly and getting plenty of sleep. Consider setting up an appointment with an IC to deal with the emotional and psychological fallout from your wife’s infidelity. Do NOT consider marriage counseling at this point. Think of infidelity as your house (marriage) on fire and marriage counseling as remodeling your kitchen. If there was a house fire, you put the fire out first and determine what (if anything) of your house (marriage) can be salvaged. You may repair or rebuild your house (reconciliation) or go find another house (divorce). If you decide to reconcile, your wife needs to see an IC specializing in infidelity.

Protect Yourself and Your Family

Go see an attorney specializing in divorce ASAP to understand your options. You don’t need to file right away but you need to know what that option (divorce) looks like in your area. In some states, infidelity can impact the terms of the divorce and child custody. Make sure you’ve saved the proof you found (e-mails, texts, phone records) and store them in a safe place. Provide a copy to your attorney. Consider picking up a few VARs (voice activated recorders) to monitor what your wife is saying (and speaking to) once she returns home AND to have on your person whenever you speak to her. This could help you avoid any potential false domestic abuse allegations AND allows you to review conversations later and what was said. Get an STD test and do not have sex with her again until she does the same and shows you the paperwork.

Get Out of Infidelity

Affairs thrive in secrecy, so start shining light on her behavior. At a minimum, contact her family and your family and explain what is happening. Consider talking to friends as well if you’re comfortable. You can explain what your wife has done and ask them for their support and understanding as your and your family deal with this trauma. This can help blow up the fantasy relationship when family/friends begin to question/criticize her choices. What do you know about the OM? If he is married or in a relationship, it is time to inform his partner.

Do Not Play the “Pick Me Dance”

Oddly enough, trying to appeal to her logic and jumping to reconciliation too soon can keep an affair going. She is deep in the affair fog. Reconciliation is a gift only you can give to her once she has earned it. She isn’t even close right now. She is experiencing regret at getting caught, not remorse. She needs to show remorse over the pain she has caused you and be willing to meet all of your conditions/needs to heal. You have no hope if she does not show remorse. Remember, you are the prize. Before any reconciliation can occur, she needs to go NC immediately, provide you with a timeline of her affair (all dates, activities), take an STD test, be willing to take a polygraph to confirm NC and truthfulness of her timeline, give up all access to any electronic devices/accounts/social media, and begin seeing an IC focused on infidelity. Even then, you may decide you cannot get over what she has done and divorce anyway. That will be your choice.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 4:31 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

First thing---sorry that you had to find this site. But, you couldn't have found a better place.

Second thing---know that you are going to be okay whatever the outcome.

Third thing---It's okay to want a certain outcome, but do not sacrifice to achieve this.

Remember, it takes two to reconcile. Two FULLY COMMITTED partners, and it is still a very rough road. You can say that you will fight for your marriage, but if your partner isn't fighting EVEN HARDER, then the chances of success are virtually nil. Also, you will do yourself far better justice if you look at your wife's actions, and mindset, without the emotional attachment that 10+ years brings. Look at what she is doing.....not earlier times in your marriage.....to base your next decisions on.

She did not make a 'mistake', and this is very important for you to recognize. She made HUNDREDS of choices that have led her down this path. Every time she lied to you, knowingly omitted information from you, or engaged at all with the other man, she made a conscious choice to do so. Would you consider these the acts of a remorseful spouse? Someone who is still in fantasy-land over this POS? I also want to ask you to seriously think about this:

I asked her if she will see him, and she said probably. Because she needs to ask him why he's changed in the last few weeks.

So, if this guy didn't lose interest, she would still be interested? Worse yet, if he wanted to sweep her away and marry her in happy little ruralstown, would she do so? Are YOU willing to accept that the only reason that she is willing to reconcile is that her other option petered out? This is what I want you to really look at. No one should ever accept less-than. To 'win' by being the only option. If your wife doesn't want YOU, for being YOU, above all others, then why would you want to stay in this dynamic? I know that children are always a huge consideration, but for arguments sake, put that notion aside. WOULD YOU STAY WITH YOUR WIFE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES ABOVE?

I say this to you because, after infidelity, most of us take a HUGE hit to our self-esteem. We question ourselves endlessly as to what we did that 'caused' our partner to cheat(Answer: nothing. It had nothing to do with us.). It's our 'job' here to get your footing back, and to make sure that you don't compromise your value system for someone else. That includes your partner. If she isn't willing to be 100% all in on trying to right her wrongs, then you shouldn't be accepting of this. If that means separation or divorce, then so be it. If you take some time to read all of the forums here, you will get the underlying messages. The first one being not to compromise your own integrity for anyone else.

Don't ask. She has lied to you and will likely lie again.

Cheaters lie...and then they lie some more...then lie by omission. At best you will get minimization (at best).

Watch her actions.

Have her read "helping your spouse heal"

Other suggested reading.

"Not just friends" glass

"Cheating in a nutshell" this book does not give much hope so read it at your own risk.

I have messaged her sister and she said she was so sorry that she wasn't able to say anything to me over the weekend as it is my wife's job. I told her that is absolutely true. I really like the idea though that her husband knows she was covering for her sister.

Your sister in law was put in an unenviable position, but she was fully capable of saying something. Just as your wayward wife did, she made a choice. She has decided not to be a friend of your marriage and should be treated accordingly. Make sure her husband is apprised of her views on fidelity. It’s possible that he will see past events in a new light with this information.

In the meantime take care of yourself. Drink water. If you can’t stomach solid food try protein shakes or meal replacement shakes. Exercise, even if it’s just a 20 minute walk. Make an appointment with your doctor to see about a sleep aid or anti depressants if necessary. Also get tested for std’s. Waywards often don’t bother with protection.

I see that we cross-posted. Damn, I am a slow typer.

If you see him this weekend, it is over for us. The only communication with him I would accept is a message saying "I made a huge mistake with you. I love my husband and I am going to work now on repairing my marriage. Goodbye."

I will say this---don't make ANY ultimatum that you are not ready, or willing to enforce. If you are not 100% ready-to-go-straight-to-divorce-if-she-contacts-him, then don't make these statements. And it's okay if you are NOT ready to enforce this yet---if this is the case, then don't make a hard line in the sand. Because when that line gets crossed, then you draw a new one, and say 'I really mean it this time.' And if it gets crossed again, does a new line get drawn with the statement that you really, really mean it? It would prove that you are not ready to enforce your boundaries.

You will be VERY disappointed to learn that most waywards reach out to their partner after discovery....even with the threats not to. More than likely, your wife has reached out. Not a guarantee, but do not be surprised if this has happened. If you are not ready to call it quits, then you are much better off stating something along the lines of letting her know that any contact with the other man GREATLY REDUCES your wishes to reconcile. It isn't a hard line in the sand, but nonetheless a statement that she KNOWS reaching out to him may be the final straw in reconciling.

Her mother cheated on her father, which caused their separation and eventual divorce. She had to see the fallout of this firsthand, with her defiant mother, and her destroyed father.

She hasn't told her father because she's super scared of how disappointed he will be. Especially as I know he adores me.

Should I call her father and explain what is happening?

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this terrible situation. Out of the blue, your WW meets this POS a month ago and is ready to dump you and the marriage for the chance of being with him and moving back home. That's crazy. While she has continually expressed her desire to move back to her hometown, her behavior can't simply be chalked up to that desire. There is obviously a lot more to this story. You should lawyer up NOW to assess your options. You have children. There could be a custody battle down the line where she decides to move back to her hometown and take the kids with her. Better be prepared for this eventuality. You both need separate counseling with therapists versed in infidelity. Happily married, well-balanced women do not do what your wife did. A ONS would have been terrible, but a life-changing affair that your wife is willing to continue if the POS is game to do is beyond the pale.

Evidently, she is off this weekend to go see the POS. Lawyer up and file for divorce. It can always be withdrawn if the two of you can work things out. If I were in your shoes, my concern would be that she will move back to her hometown, regardless of what happens with the POS, and try and take the kids with her. You need a lawyer now to stop her from doing that. Good luck to you. I truly feel for you. I've been there, though her second affair made it so easy to dump her ass. I wasted 6 years waiting for that eventuality. I suggest you don't follow in my footsteps.

Finally, if the two of you decide to try reconciliation, you need the entire truth. That requires a detailed timeline and a polygraph exam for the purpose of verification and to find out if there had been other betrayals.

Your latest post that her mother cheated on her father gives some perspective on what happened here. Consciously or subconsciously, your wife decided to follow in her mom's footsteps. If the AP POS has a wife or girlfriend, notify her of what he did. If your father-in-law asks why the two of you have split up, tell him. Should you tell him now? I don't have any advice. I didn't tell my father-in-law but someone else may have done so.

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:34 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

I told her this yesterday:

If you see him this weekend, it is over for us. The only communication with him I would accept is a message saying "I made a huge mistake with you. I love my husband and I am going to work now on repairing my marriage. Goodbye."

I would hope that if she has made such contact that she would now message me and tell me so.

But, should I ask her if she has put a stop to it yet? It's been nearly 48 hours since the affair was exposed. Or should I simply wait for her confirmation (or lack of?)

You can ask. She'll either lie or she won't. Broken NC is really common early after DDay. It doesn't mean very much in terms of whether R is eventually feasible or not. Lots of otherwise successful WS's got busted in continued contact only to clean themselves up later and make perfectly good candidates for R.

I think you might do well to slow down just a bit and think about whether R is truly something you want. It appears that you two are at loggerheads regarding lifestyle choices, with her wanting to head to the suburbs and you wanting to stay in the city. There can be all sorts of "rewrites of the marital history" where the cheater claims they were always unhappy but in reality were not. But this doesn't sound like one of those situations. There's no point in going through all the heartache and hell of recovery if it turns out that you two are just basically incompatible regarding goals. Reconciliation is difficult under the best of circumstances. Maybe before you guys go any further, you should resolve this "city mouse/country mouse" drama.

LittleAndyUnicorn,

Definitely inform her father ASAP. Provide the affair plenty of sunshine to rip the bandaid off the fantasy.

Cheaters lie...and then they lie some more...then lie by omission. At best you will get minimization (at best)

^^^THIS.

Cheaters lie and minimize. Always. Your wife is no exception.

If she is in close proximity to the other man, based on my years on this site and my own experience, I feel pretty confident that there is almost a 100% chance she is either seeing him or communicating with him.

Expose the affair. The best way to end it is to shine the light on it.

Right now your wife has her cake and is eating it, too. Close the bakery.

She is also in control of this narrative, put yourself in the driver's seat. She's deciding if she wants to be in the marriage? What about you?

Another poster recommended meeting with an attorney, I agree, you have children and you don't want her to swoop them up and move them away without legal counsel.

When I found out about my husband's affair, he knew in no uncertain terms that it was my way or the highway. Doesn't work for everyone, but honestly, I refused to allow him to continue to disrespect me. Find your inner strength and self-respect.

She hasn't told her father because she's super scared of how disappointed he will be. Especially as I know he adores me.

Should I call her father and explain what is happening?

I'm a big fan of exposing affairs to close parties where it can be of benefit.

For example, if you were to tell the truth to your FIL, and let him know that you have not ruled out the possibility of reconciliation, but can't even consider it if she is in touch with the other man, don't you believe that the 'luster' of the other man in your wife's eyes would greatly diminish when she thinks of her father?

This is what exposure can do. It shines light on everything. It makes things real, and makes the fairy tale harder to stay alive.

I'm so sorry you're here. Everyone has great advice but just another voice saying exposure of the ugly deeds to sunlight is the way to go. Take care of yourself!

Ok I sent her this message half an hour ago, but she hasn't yet replied.

WS, I’ve been patiently waiting since yesterday for confirmation that you have ended this affair. If it is still continuing I am not going to accept it. I know you are in a fog right now, so I need to make it very clear to you so you understand what might happen from here. This has got to end right now or I am leaving you, and I will be seeking full-time custody of the children. So I need to see evidence TODAY that it is over and that you have told him not to contact you again. You’ve shown me regret that you’ve hurt me, but so far no sign or remorse. If you think our marriage and our family are worth saving you need to take this first step, right now.

I also just phoned her father and told him everything. He's with my wife's sister and family right now and he was surprised to hear my wife is up there. If she's not with them I hope to god she is at their house and not with him. But I suspect she is.

Her father is absolutely livid. He's going to call her and "try to get her head out of this bullshit."

He told me "I love you to bits and you don't deserve this."

Please reread jb's post about not making ultimatiums that you are not going to carry out.

She already has lost respect for you (or she wouldn't have had an affair). If you make threats that you don't carry out, you look very weak and she learns that she can do whatever she wants and you will take her back.

You are so early on. You will go through the worst roller coaster of your life. Choose your words wisely and make sure you don't dig yourself into a bigger hole.

You will be OK. Your future life will almost certainly look differently than what you thought it was going to, but you will be OK.