I just don't know if I will be able to truly forgive her. I want to but im scared of the cost it will take on me if I do so. Will me staying basically give her permission to walk all over me?
This is where boundaries and requirements for R come in.
You define the M you want. You define the behavior you want from your W. If she agrees to do her part in the new M and to do the behaviors you want, R is on. If she doesn't agree, R is off.
You make your decisions. That's not letting your W walk all over you.
Common requirements are: NC, IC for WS with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner, transparency, and most of all: no more lies. Many of us add specific things - my W had to initiate sex sometimes. I hoped it would become a habit, and it has. My W had to arrange dates for us; she did, and that worked pretty well until something(!) happened a little over a year ago.
What are your requirements for R? What do you want your new M to be? If the answer is 'nothing,' so be it.
And as I've said many times before, its hard to find male BS that have survived this. Many that have were married for years on years. I was with my WW for 8 years then got married and she immediately cheated. Writing that out still makes me feel like dumbest, most pathetic man ever.
Lots of men here have survived and thrived. Some have split from their WSes; some have R'ed.
What defines 'a male BS who has survived' for you? The phrase has meaning for you, so that's a real question.
Why are you pathetic? Your W failed. You didn't. My guess is that you, like most of us, swallowed some conventional 'wisdom' about being betrayed, and you're attacking yourself - even though you had no way to control your W. None of us has the right or ability to control other people.
Part of surviving and thriving is hearing those attack-self messages and turning them off. The messages are normal, but they're not based on truth. Some people without relevant experience may think something is wrong with BSes, but they're wrong.
If you R, you'll have supporters and detractors. If you choose D, you'll have supporters and detractors.
The only way to win is to ignore other people and go for what you want. Of course, if you decide you want R, you have to consider whether or or not your WS is a good enough candidate for R - but start with figuring out what you want.
The thoughts you're having are normal, but they hurt, and they damage you. Going for what you want is the best way I can think of for defeating attacks on oneself.
I might have written something like this before....
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:05 PM, April 9th (Friday)]