"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Jaybee2020 posted 4/9/2021 11:40 AM

I thought I had been in the roller-coaster phase of this process, I know my WW definitely believes I am. However, I think for the first time since all of this I am actually experiencing it. If you've read through my stuff then you know that around 4 weeks ago (from this date) I had called it quits and decided to just move one. My WW got serious and started to actually do the work. I believed that it was too little too late. She keeps at it but I think she is starting to realize that I may not budge.
Although, when I look at her, watch her move around the house, I see the person I chose, the woman I fell in love with. Then I start to get these internal feelings that make me wanna reach out and hold her tight... but we lock eyes and then I'm flooded with everything she has done. I don't feel happy, nothing lately brings me joy like it used to. I hate that she did this because I had previously invisioned a whole life with her now I can't even imagine the next day. She really broke me and I don't wanna live constantly comparing myself to others or wondering if another hot guy comes into her radar. I am very much in lover her but I really don't want to live like this, yet the idea of letting her go hurts just as much. I wish I clearly knew what I want. At this point I just don't want to feel this shitty anymore. If I stay I feel like I will have to continue to monitor her every move. Watch who she talks to and constantly check up on her. Just writing that out sucks, but I don't want to let her go either. She was my best friend, someone I laugh with and share experiences. Idk if this is that last minute jitter of letting someone go, or what. I dont know if I am making the right decision. I hate not knowing. She started doing IC and has been on meds for her depression. I feel so much empathy for what she has gone through and going through. Not gonna disclose her past on here but let's just say she definitely had a rough childhood. I just don't know if I will be able to truly forgive her. I want to but im scared of the cost it will take on me if I do so. Will me staying basically give her permission to walk all over me? Will me leaving really be the best thing for our small family or myself? Aaahhhhh... like I said I think im finally on that roller-coaster. And as I've said many times before, its hard to find male BS that have survived this. Many that have were married for years on years. I was with my WW for 8 years then got married and she immediately cheated. Writing that out still makes me feel like dumbest, most pathetic man ever. Barely a man. Ahhhh lol. How can I not feel this way anymore... also I am not in IC myself. I am looking for one that is trauma based in my area but if I can be honest I have been slacking on that... yes I know, that will definitely help. I am going to definitely find one this weekend and get on it

This0is0Fine posted 4/9/2021 11:55 AM

Jaybee,

The rollercoaster really sucks. You staying is not permission to walk all over you. I know the internal struggle on that very well. I think that D is always a reasonable answer. Staying isn't a permanent decision. Not for me anyway. I can always change my mind and just be done. I don't take that off the table in an effort to R.

I think it's possible that showing grace and forgiveness is a different kind of strength than walking away. Both paths are hard and require heavy emotional lifts. The "easy" path is rugsweeping, and that is getting walked over.

sisoon posted 4/9/2021 13:03 PM

I just don't know if I will be able to truly forgive her. I want to but im scared of the cost it will take on me if I do so. Will me staying basically give her permission to walk all over me?

This is where boundaries and requirements for R come in.

You define the M you want. You define the behavior you want from your W. If she agrees to do her part in the new M and to do the behaviors you want, R is on. If she doesn't agree, R is off.

You make your decisions. That's not letting your W walk all over you.

Common requirements are: NC, IC for WS with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner, transparency, and most of all: no more lies. Many of us add specific things - my W had to initiate sex sometimes. I hoped it would become a habit, and it has. My W had to arrange dates for us; she did, and that worked pretty well until something(!) happened a little over a year ago.

What are your requirements for R? What do you want your new M to be? If the answer is 'nothing,' so be it.

And as I've said many times before, its hard to find male BS that have survived this. Many that have were married for years on years. I was with my WW for 8 years then got married and she immediately cheated. Writing that out still makes me feel like dumbest, most pathetic man ever.

Lots of men here have survived and thrived. Some have split from their WSes; some have R'ed.

What defines 'a male BS who has survived' for you? The phrase has meaning for you, so that's a real question.

Why are you pathetic? Your W failed. You didn't. My guess is that you, like most of us, swallowed some conventional 'wisdom' about being betrayed, and you're attacking yourself - even though you had no way to control your W. None of us has the right or ability to control other people.

Part of surviving and thriving is hearing those attack-self messages and turning them off. The messages are normal, but they're not based on truth. Some people without relevant experience may think something is wrong with BSes, but they're wrong.

If you R, you'll have supporters and detractors. If you choose D, you'll have supporters and detractors.

The only way to win is to ignore other people and go for what you want. Of course, if you decide you want R, you have to consider whether or or not your WS is a good enough candidate for R - but start with figuring out what you want.

The thoughts you're having are normal, but they hurt, and they damage you. Going for what you want is the best way I can think of for defeating attacks on oneself.

I might have written something like this before....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:05 PM, April 9th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 4/9/2021 13:20 PM

Jaybe2020, I could have written your post when my xww was betraying me. She suffered from depression, had a crappy upbringing... she was beautiful and the true love of my life. I just couldn't bring myself to leave. It took another few years and two more betrayals to do so. And even then it was so painful I barely thought I'd survive.

I might suggest examining the situation and coming up with a plan of sorts. Something like meeting with a counselor monthly for ten years, faithfully take her meds, and some other things. I tried that with my xww and for a while it was working well until her sister talked her out of everything she was doing. She crashed and burned and I was out.

I wish the best for you.

Camel posted 4/9/2021 14:53 PM

Jaybee.... I'm kind of in the same boat. Together 8 years and married 2 years. It sucks. It truly fucking sucks. We were planning a family, just moved into a new home. Why? Why did she give me this false hope that everything was ok. Obviously it was not. I go one day thinking that I can do this with her and then I just get angry and tell myself why the hell should I bother. Like you said, many people here have been married for a long ass time and we are the few with little marital experience. I'm sorry you are going through this but one way or another we will get through it and be happy once again. I wish you the best of luck.

Notthevictem posted 4/9/2021 15:34 PM

Just remember, taking action based on temporary emotions is what got your ww into that crap.

Jorge posted 4/9/2021 23:50 PM

I appreciate the fact that she had a rough childhood but it shouldn't come at the expense of you having a rough adulthood.

Marz posted 4/10/2021 22:51 PM

^^^^^^ yep. Exactly

sisoon posted 4/11/2021 13:08 PM

OK, Jorge. That goes into the 'Quotes' thread in F&G.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/12/2021 00:30 AM

JB2020,

It is normal to be scared of making life changing decision, as you fear the unknown long-term outcomes of that decision.

Part of this fear is that humans usually like things 'as they are', to treasure familiarity. Big changes freak most people out, especially when they do not have a plan on what they will be doing after making that decision.

So, how to you get to see clearer? One way is to stop being scared; scared of being alone, scared of not being able to find another SO, scared of ruining your kids futures, scared of having to work longer to replenish your retirement savings...

Another way is to start planning the rest of your life. This will help alleviate some anxiety of the unknown future.

Ultimately, you are scared of pain, and don't want to experience it if you can help it. Sorry to break it to you, but there is no escape from the pain.

You just have to decide whether you want short-term pain, or a long term pain.

If you rip off the band-aid, it will sting quite a bit, but your body will heal, and you will get over it.

You can also leave the band-aid on, and let the would fester, and possibly get septic at a later stage, but you will avoid the short-term plain of ripping off the band-aid. All you do is just replace it with a different pain that will last longer, and possibly kill you painfully.

Your life, your choice.

longsadstory1952 posted 4/12/2021 09:13 AM

With deep respect, this reads pretty much like what you wrote a year ago, and then several times since then. You are ready to leave and wife steps up, or is doing everything right.

For some, it is something they cannot live with and they choose to leave. That is ok. Certainly, the back and forth relationship you are in cannot be healthy for either of you.

It is perfectly ok for you to pull the pin. From what I see, maybe it is best for you.

WalkingHome posted 4/12/2021 10:24 AM

IF it is a dealbreaker, let it be a dealbreaker and move on.

Are you afraid of D or life after D? Envision what that would be like...and go on a vacation by yourself. You might find that it isn't so bad.

violet09 posted 4/12/2021 23:35 PM

Time to let go and move on. Its toxic