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General :
Took my own advice

Topic is Sleeping.
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster Member #72463) posted at 1:41 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Full disclosure: I'm not sure where this should go.

I was looking at another message board that I've posted to for almost ten years now. Going through some of the meaningless 'awards' that other users have given me for various posts I stumbled upon this post of mine that I wrote four years ago. This would have been toward the beginning of my ex wife's affair:

A two year physical affair is not a 'cheating event' that I think I could get over. She was in love with this dude and lying to you for two years.

She can be in mourning, whatever - but I wouldn't stay with her. That level of betrayal is far too much. She's asking too much of you to put up with her mourning, IMO.

She's a stay at home mom - was she fucking this dude at your house with your kids present?

Personally I don't think the trust will come back. I can't see how it would. Without trust there's no relationship - just a combination of people who are miserable.

You can't put your kids through that.

Talk to a lawyer.

My ex wife cheated on me for five years (3+ years emotional, then 1-2 years physical), just for perspective. Had she not acted the way she acted after D Day I might have reconciled with her. That said, I think what I wrote in the above is true - that had I not come here, had she behaved a bit differently, I would have reconciled with her and trust would not have come back. I would have been miserable. I would have inadvertently put my kids through that.

As painful as it was, I'm glad shit didn't go down like that and I divorced her.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8648967
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:41 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Sometimes it takes courage to really stand up for one's self. You did.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4449   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8648987
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:53 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

There are limits. And boundaries. And just plain old enough is enough.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8649077
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 4:26 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

That said, I think what I wrote in the above is true - that had I not come here, had she behaved a bit differently, I would have reconciled with her and trust would not have come back. I would have been miserable. I would have inadvertently put my kids through that.

I can really relate with ^^^^^

I often wonder what our lives would have been like if I had decided to forgive him, and it’s never a pretty picture. I don’t think many of us choosing to move on end up regretting it to be honest.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8649272
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 7:55 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

There is something about an LTA that is so traumatizing that I'm not sure if I could have R'd even if the Ex was remorseful. I think I probably would have stayed resentful forever.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8649343
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:58 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Just read your story. Hope you are doing well and your children have adjusted to the co-parenting arrangement. My ex-wife and I had a similar co-parenting arrangement for our son. He was three at the time of the breakup. Of course, being the total flake that she is, she could not adhere to the schedule. It was a rare week where we stuck to the plan. Nevertheless, it all worked out in the end. My son decided to live with me full-time when he turned 16. Just found out my ex-wife guilted my son recently for making that choice. This choice was made over 20 years ago. She is a complete narcissist and POS, but that is a long story.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8649380
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 11:32 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Had she not acted the way she acted after D Day I might have reconciled with her.

Yes, I believe this is the case for the majority of us. They are what they are and continue to be both before and after d-day except for the very few successful R.

Karmafan:

I often wonder what our lives would have been like if I had decided to forgive him, and it’s never a pretty picture.

Stop! You are going to give me nightmares now!!

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8649385
Topic is Sleeping.
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