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Session 4: Getting to the Heart

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CaptainRogers posted 4/10/2021 12:10 PM

The A was bad. Knowing so much of my communication was misinterpreted for so long ... that is still a source of grief.

Wholeheartedly understand that, sisoon. We have discussed that piece in our sessions as well. The personal filters we use to see/heat and then assign meanings to things that were never meant in those ways.

lifestoshort posted 4/10/2021 22:45 PM

wow great first post about the counselor. Love seeing blunt bold providers who get to the point.

Ouch. Not only did she lose the mother, but the father emotionally in her teenage years into young adulthood. She learned the only one she can count on is herself since others will abandon her in need. Self fulfilling prophecy kicks in so she self sabotages by assuming you're a mind reader.

excellent observation. Been here and thats what we do.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 10:45 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Rnzwithscissors posted 4/12/2021 10:14 AM

I really appreciate you sharing this journey with us. Obviously you are under no obligation, but choose to anyway and I am thankful.

It really goes to show what a good therapist and two willing people can accomplish/overcome.

You mentioned previously that your wife was a bit controlling and I was wondering if this carried over into her relationship with your children? If so are these sessions helping in that area as well?

CaptainRogers posted 4/12/2021 12:01 PM

You mentioned previously that your wife was a bit controlling and I was wondering if this carried over into her relationship with your children?

In their younger years, yes, she was very controlling and very critical of them. For my oldest, it led to about 3 years in counseling during his teen years because of how she treated him, in particular with the shaming, the critical spirit, and expecting perfection. An interesting side note, I can recall a conversation I had with one of her cousins back when we were in high school. He had said that you never want to do something that Uncle J doesn't approve of. He won't yell at you, but he sure will talk to you and make you feel like the lowest snake ever. Sounds kind of like manipulation through shaming when I look back on it. Something that was learned over the course of her childhood, perhaps. But I digress.

With the other kids, she has been better through the years, though some of the controlling/critical behaviors resurface at times. It is quite infrequent these days, though.

Stevesn posted 4/12/2021 14:30 PM

It seems from listening to you that she never understood what it meant to be a part of a team. She very well did not consider her a part of one with you.

It could honestly be that she never understood why you would do these things for you and never even considered that it was because you have always loved her.

Perhaps ask her that if you havenít already. Ask her why she thinks you would do anything for her. Ask her to put herself in your shoes and try and understand why that is the case. It almost seems that while she knows you will intellectually, she doesnít think she deserves it and therefore cannot count on it.

Do you think she has the ability to love? Iím not being flippant. I wonder if she expects you to be there, but canít understand why that is. Would she do anything for you because she loves you the way you would for her?

Iím glad you are going to review the affect the A had on you. I have never felt she truly got that. Although Iím not there to see it like you are.

Great work. Keep it up.

CaptainRogers posted 4/12/2021 15:42 PM

It seems from listening to you that she never understood what it meant to be a part of a team.

If there was something truly bigger than being 100% correct, you've nailed it Stevesn. Over the past 4 years, I have told her more than once what a great teammate looks like. I have referenced my 20+ years as a teammate, then the 15 more as a coach. I talked about teammates cheering for one another, standing up for one another, and doing what it takes to make each other better. At one point, I was very specific in saying that teammates don't throw each other under the bus. That's to our friends, to the AP, and to the kids.

Do you think she has the ability to love?

Didn't take that as flippant at all. I have asked myself that numerous times throughout our marriage. The conclusion I have come to is tht she has a much different perspective on what it means to love. To her, because of her bent towards independence, she views being loved as being left alone to do whatever you want. It is that perspective which completely clashes with the concept of marriage and team.

She's getting better now.

All of that to say that she did apologize (and it seemed genuine) for not being a good teammate. I may have put that in the initial post. She apologized for not cheering for me, for not supporting and, most importantly, for having thrown me under the bus so easily to so many people. One or two years ago, she wouldn't have been able to do that.

hikingout posted 4/12/2021 16:07 PM

Love that you have found the right person to set you both on a different path. I feel a breakthrough coming, one that I have to say I didn't think we would ever see.

CaptainRogers posted 4/12/2021 17:43 PM

I had my doubts as well, hikingout.

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