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I need help and a dose of reality

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Tripletrouble posted 4/11/2021 20:21 PM

Iím so sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. We understand.
First let me say my parents divorced when I was in my 30ís and it was a relief. Trust me when I tell you your kids feel this tension. Holidays become more complicated logistically but good riddance to the tension.
Of course after 22 years you are reluctant to call it quits. Itís not what you wanted. Itís not what you worked towards. But itís where you are. I had 20 years in and was terrified, emotionally and financially. I was profoundly disappointed and hurt and angry that so much was taken from me. Work on healing, reconnecting with or finding new hobbies, nurture relationships. My awesome therapist explained it to me this way. She said you are standing in front of a huge mural, but youíre standing so close you can only see the tiny part right in front of you. Time will allow you to take steps back and see the whole painting. Right now all you can see is what you are losing - the dream of a marriage you never had. What you canít see yet is the future you can build without the weight of an abusive partner.
You can do this. It is not something to feel guilty about and certainly you donít want to model tolerating this to your kids. I wish you the best.

WalkingHome posted 4/12/2021 11:14 AM

The blaming you is a core demonstration of her internal failure.


I experience that regularly with my SO. According to her:

I am the reason she quit her amazingly wonderful job where she was a rising star and on her way to being a millionaire... Reality- She cried and begged not to go to work and asked to be a SAHM because we had babies (twins) that had all kinds of issues. She was one of thousands of employees at a hospital, making basic money and likely going nowhere big on advancement as she was only part time.

Meeting me derailed her brilliant career. Her prior boss specially selected her and was grooming her to run her own clinic where she would have made millions and saved lives by doing magic medical treatments that rival superman's abilities to leap tall buildings... Reality- Her boss was a fat bald guy who, by her own admission, said she was "The most beautiful therapist" in the clinic and showed her off to all the other women working there. He sent her on various sales rep calls. She can't accept that she got the job because she had big boobs and was pretty...that is insane to her...but totally true. She is not magically talented or smarter...she just happened to be hotter than the other applicants and her boss wanted to bang her. BTW...she didn't work there long and didn't have sex with him...and she can't see how the two are related.

The kids are the most important thing in the world and worth all the sacrifice in terms of jobs, money, travel...


Reality- She constantly says it's my fault she lost money, couldn't take jobs, couldn't travel, lost her long term single friends...when she knows my job pays 3x what hers ever paid and provided the health insurance that paid for a 500K surgery...but I'm the bad guy because I have to travel for work and my work travel is a benefit because I got to go to some exotic place she wanted to go...nevermind that I literally worked 16HR days and lived on room service because I was so exhausted from work. In her mind...it was vacation... and the kids are to blame...because I can't stay home while she goes to work...as if she could earn anywhere close to what I make.

Or how "I got her pregnant"...when she not only got off the pill, said she wanted 5 kids, took ovulation tests, and intentionally initiated sex saying "get me pregnant"...yeah, my fault she got pregnant.


Personal responsibility is seriously absent in some people and it is the critical point in why they fail over and over without understanding why they keep failing...so they blame you.

It's not you...it is them.


[This message edited by WalkingHome at 11:16 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

Westway posted 4/13/2021 11:43 AM

You cannot allow fear to make your decisions for you. You will remain in bondage to this psychopathic WW of yours until you conquer the pull your fear has on you. Fact is, once you move out and are away from her, and you have time to clear your head, the fear will dissipate pretty quickly.

There is an old Buddhist saying that says to the effect: "Go where it is dangerous and say 'YES'." This should be the mantra of every thing you do in life going forward. If you allow fear to dictate to you your future, you will stagnate and never live up to your potential.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:44 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

siracha posted 4/16/2021 19:39 PM

Chances are that being around her makes you heavily depressed , but this time when you leave actually let go and find a new life , dont let her stay in your life by ruminating on her or your lost marriage or how your grown kids have suffered a big blow ( they havent ) .
I think your real question is how can you move forward to a healthier way of thinking and being . Step one get therapy step two get a lawyer step 3 get divorced . After that get a hobby maybe a pet and hopefully in time a new lover .
As for finances i have to agree its not a small issue , ask her to keep a roommate to help with the expenses . Why should that roommate be you ?

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