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Stan Tatkin's books / Helping Couples Heal

gmc94 posted 3/29/2021 12:42 PM

Over the weekend I listened to the Tatkin interview of HCH's podcast. I thought it was very helpful, with several "money quotes" that I'll try and post about later. One of the "biggies" for me was Tatkin saying (around 53:35 min) that:

The greatest prediction of a successful outcome in any betrayal case is the willingness of the victim [BS] ....to stand their ground. If they do not stand their ground, the prognosis gets poorer and poorer. Everything hinges on [the BS] saying "it's this or goodbye" ... they are unwavering and they are watching to see whether the [WS] is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms.... full stop. That changes everything, and that will bring anybody who is a wrongdoer [the WS] to their knees if they care, they don't want to lose the relationship and they will do their work. But everything hinges on [the BS] saying "you do it or you're gone"

Ms. Breecker chimed in, saying that the goal in therapy and in healing is moving the victim to a place of empowerment. That in order to move from being a victim and to become empowered, the BW "must be able to own that power and make their needs known"
Tatkin: "That's what attachment security is about.... otherwise the person can do whatever they want, living in a boundaryless world, which is bad for them [the WS]. We're not supposed to get away with everything."

"we are talking about a set of behaviors for which [the WS] is accountable"

As I type this, I may post in general to relay my thoughts about the above, but also wanted to post here as the interview made me wonder if others have read any of his books and were willing to share thoughts.

outofsorts posted 4/5/2021 21:01 PM

I haven't read any of his books but he's been interviewed a few times for the Therapist Uncensored Podcast. It's been at least a few months since I listened to those interviews but I believe they were related primarily to attachment theory and not infidelity. But still worth checking out.

I listened to his interview on Helping Couples Heal and thought he had some great points. The one you brought up plus his defining of infidelity as "treason" (love that) and he did a great job explaining the trauma of infidelity.

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