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Another re-set

katmandude54 posted 3/26/2021 12:01 PM

Finale should be May 12. Divorce court date. Doesn't look like anything will prevent it from happening.
So, if it goes according to Hoyle and the D is final mid-May, then what?
Second divorce (first time 11 years, this time 30 years).
SO, I'm 66 1/2. Five years into diagnosis of prostate cancer (doc says I'm good now, but the radiation left me with performance issues. Oh hell, ED), second wife almost gone, on the downside of a 45 year career, looking at retiring in three 1/2 years.
What happens now? I have a teen child going through high school, bills, an older child who's returned home, and a fulltime job I need to pay attention to. Do I need MORE on my plate? Do I WANT more on my plate? Maybe just coasting for now is the best bet. I don't know if I want or can have a conversation with any possible prospective new "companion" about my ability, or inability, to be intimate (them blue pills or their cousins don't work with me, eh). Like Simon and Garfunkel says, I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
I've done the counseling route, it did help. But, obviously my companion picker is broken or severely damaged. The last two times were disaster. My FIRST time with a GF was a disaster. I'll just satisfy myself with getting my teen kiddo through high school and off to college. Maybe I'll buy a small camper and just drive from child to child (there are three other older children out there as well) for the next few years, a-la Travels with Charley. That just might work.

brinbk posted 3/26/2021 12:08 PM

katmandude, I'm a bit younger than you, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but my general advice is - if you have needs, don't deny them, or convince yourself you don't deserve them right now. Yes, you have a LOT on your plate, but so do most other grown adults these days. That's ok - a good partner will understand this and work with you (that's what makes them a good partner to begin with). So I'd say, don't willfully take yourself out of the game if you do really need companionship (and I tend to think we all are wired to need it to some degree). Just don't put undue pressure on yourself to force anything either. Keep us posted!

Karmafan posted 3/27/2021 03:27 AM

I've done the counseling route, it did help. But, obviously my companion picker is broken or severely damaged.

KD54, first of all, welcome to New Beginnings. You are obviously doing much better now that you have your date (I remember your last post and how anxious you were for it).

But a word of caution: writing off both your marriages and putting their failure down to your Ďbroken pickerí is not particularly helpful. Although infidelity tends to taint everything with its ugly, sticky hue, to think in terms of: Ďitís my fault for always picking the wrong personí can seriously set you back. That blame doesnít belong with you. At all. Not every spouse starts off as a cheater. Many become one through poor choices, midlife crises, a moment of weakness that got out of hand. You couldnít have predicted the future, so cut yourself some slack.

We are conditioned to think that the only way we can truly move on is by meeting someone new. As a lot of us on NB will attest, thatís not necessarily the case. Many of us tried to date, some found the one, some didnít, but we all concluded that self-love was the necessary first step to get reacquainted with life. Donít put any pressure on yourself. Your health is now much better. You have a teenage son who keeps you young. A job that, I am assuming, you still enjoy. Books and poetry. Plans for the future. The building blocks are all there. Youíll be fine KD54! Life without infidelity has a sense in itself

[This message edited by Karmafan at 5:03 AM, March 27th (Saturday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 3/28/2021 01:31 AM

I look at the two worst people I was in a relationship with...an OLD about 10 years ago that lasted 2 months, and my current ExW waiting for the divorce to finalize currently (6 1/2 years). These two genuinely are some of the worst human beings on the planet...not because my picker was broken, but because they were so good at hiding who they really were. I said just last week to my soon to be ExW that "you are not the person I married, not even close". Funny thing, she didn't disagree.

The ability of some people to completely change who they are is somewhat baffling, at least to someone like me who I feel I have not changed my moral compass or sense of honor since my 20s (when I was in the Marines). If anything, I strive to be a better person. So people who can just turn into the worst of humanity seemingly overnight, I just can't understand it. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...if you can't understand it, that means you'll never do it. It's not fair to blame yourself when you don't see something coming that you yourself would never do.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 1:34 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]

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