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I am a terrible wife and my AP is crazy

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madeamistake posted 3/10/2021 18:02 PM

hi darkwof, thanks for your insight.
You wrote that in the past you have behaved similarly to my AP. I'm trying to figure out what's going through his mind and what his next move might be. Do you think it's 100% sure that he he will tell everything to my husband? How could I prevent him from doing it?

Thanks for the rest of the message, which I approve of. If my husband wants it, I will gladly help him try to get out of this black hole. As you say I would like one day him to accept me even just as a friend and allow me to help him and be there for him.
Surely in the event of a divorce I am willing to grant him a divorce as easy as possible.

[This message edited by madeamistake at 5:52 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

etaoin posted 3/10/2021 18:46 PM

I understand that you get that you torched the marriage and ruined your husband' career and probably put the emotional well being of your child at risk.

What I'm not sure you get is that you have robbed your husband of his dignity and undermined his sense of self worth. You have put him in a position where he has nowhere to go mentally while you pile on the confession of various bad behaviors.

In short, this is not going to be a conversation that will be rational. What he will hear is that you took every opportunity you could to dishonor him in every way and he will be reeling in disbelief and shock. I genuinely fear you will put him in a place where he could have a serious mental break. How many stories are out there of spouses who self destruct when learning of betrayal? You have gone well beyond simple betrayal into a new realm of disrespect. (Did you actually call him while with your AP?) It won't be the sex as much as the rest of the package that will be damaging.

So first, find a friend of his, a family member, pastor, doctor who can be a lifeline. Tell them what you have done and have that person in the wings when the talk goes down.

There are some other things you can do.
Get tested for STDs now and have the results ready to show him.
Write out an explicit timeline and have it ready if he wants it.
Have a written NC letter or text sent to your AP and have a copy for your H.
Do not in any way shape or form shift blame on your AP or your H. (There is some of that in your first post).
Prepare to turn over your devices with passwords.
Do not lie, at all about anything for any reason.
Do not have your child in the house.
Expect him to quit his job and do not oppose him on this for any reason.
Expect that he may seek revenge on the AP. Be prepared to call in the authorities to save him from acts he cannot take back and may land him in jail.
Do not offer sex for any reason.
Have a polygraph scheduled so he knows you are not lying.

Again, do not lie either by word or omission.
And be prepared for anything he might say or do. No defensive behavior.

Do not say the platitudes we see here all the time. "I was trying to end it. The sex was no good. It was just sex. I never intended to leave you. I thought you would never find out. I never stopped loving you. I was going to take it to my grave. I never meant to hurt you. etc."

I really don't know what to think about you. I can't escape the notion that if your AP was not crazy you would still be in an active A. But it seems to me that if you imply that the reason you are coming forward now is because you are cornered, this is what he will think - that you would still be lying every day. The problem is that this is probably the truth. So you will have to handle it.

You are going to have to show him that although you are a liar and a user that you are not a coward. No self protection or deflection. Just plain ugly truth. I hope you have it in you.

darkwof posted 3/10/2021 20:33 PM

I would say it a good bet he will. He also may lie and make things worse than they actually were. Get STD tested as well as pregnancy if that is possible. You most likely are not his first (victim). I say that because probably in his head you are mostly at fault for letting it happen. I hate to be hard here but you are to blame for a He loves the power of making women's husbands/boyfriends look weak compared to him. lot here for letting get this far. There is no set rules for what will happen, hope for the best but be ready for the worst. Be set to help your husband any way you can. He may do something bad to himself or this shit bag. He may need lots of help. This will be the simplest and hardest journey you may ever be on.

blahblahblahe posted 3/10/2021 21:42 PM

If the AP "owns" the company you have more leverage than you may believe.

If exposure would come with a negative consequences to his client base, capital access or depending upon the scale perhaps a board of directors. There are many people who refuse to do business with people such as this, I have even seen bank reduce lines of credit over rumors of character issues.

This may be useful in providing your husband a soft exit.

Make no mistake, he didn't care about sleeping with you frankly you were not of much interest, his interest lay with humiliating your husband, that was the what gave him pleasure or release (your body was just a means to that).

I have encountered a number of of these creatures over the years they are always the same as are the women they have these relationships with....

madeamistake posted 3/11/2021 04:34 AM

Hello everybody. I take a few minutes to respond.

What you wrote is true. I am terrified of the effects that confession can have on my husband's psyche.
I have seriously disrespected my husband, I did a horrible thing but I can't go back. Let's say that I allowed my AP to do various things to humiliate my husband but I have not succumbed to some of his worst ideas (for example the telephone call). It was already two months since I wanted to end our relationship but the new ideas from my AP convinced me to leave him for good.
Just to give you a perspective of the extent of my betrayal: in these nearly 5 months we haven't always met at our home. Indeed most of the times we stayed in a day use hotel (a few times at my AP's house).
We met at our house, after a long pressing from my AP, a total of 4 times. Twice it was practically a quickie (during lunch break), the other two are the worst. Those were the two times my AP made sure that my husband was at work far from our city and we have spent all day at our house. During these two encounters, sex happened multiple times everywhere.

I have already thought about involving his brother and a friend of his so that they can support him during this first phase to avoid him making extreme choices in any ways.
I will also be available to help him financially when he has to leave his job.
My husband is not a violent man, far from it. But I don't know how he can react. I am afraid, indeed I am almost certain, that he wants to take revenge against my AP. Honestly, if he want to do it, I wouldn't have moral problems but obviously there would be legal problems for him to face. I don't want him to go to jail because of me.

I agree with you. I would really like to help my husband recover from this terrible situation. Many have told me it takes 2 to 5 years to heal. I am willing to do anything to help him even if it takes decades. The problem is that I think I'm the last person on the face of the earth my husband can accept help from. I think just my presence can be a constant reminder of what happened. In case he didn't want to see me again, even for an extended period of time, I'm ready to step aside. It would be sad but his recovery is the most important thing.

good advice. I think my AP is also scared of what might happen to his personal image if this story comes out.
I would be happy if my AP suffer from the consequences of his actions. Also because I'm pretty sure this isn't his first time. Let's say that over the years he has also made several enemies in his business related world. He is a man without mercy and morality even in his work and he does not mind using people for his personal interest. He is a narcissist, he lack empathy. A psychopath.

LoveMyHusband posted 3/11/2021 06:08 AM

I haven't posted here for a very long time. I'll make here an exception. Why? Because I lot of your reasoning reminds me of my own. I thought I was the worst but it seems I'm not. Not that I'm so good but your reasoning is mind blowing. Just that you know. I've lost my husband. It just took me long time to understand what's wrong with me.

He is a man without mercy and morality

And you? You had mercy and morality when you cheated on your husband, emasculated, humiliated (your words) and degraded him (you wrote about it)? From both of you I think you are worse. Never forget: you were married to your husband, not him.

He is a narcissist, he lack empathy. A psychopath.

And you are thoughtful, sensitive and compassionate? You are no less of a narcissist, having zero empathy and being a psychopath than him for doing the things you did to destroy your husband. You were like a Trojan horse in the family. So, who's worse?

I've BTDT. I was also a woman like that.

You are deluded (as I was) but you can change, you don't have to stay that person.

It took me to lose my husband to understand this. Don't be that woman that I was.

The reason I don't proceed with giving you advise is because I'm afraid it will be used to inflict more pain on your husband. Only one thing: no matter what you do, even confession, it is better to do this with professional help. Less for you, more for your husband.

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 8:06 AM, March 11th (Thursday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 3/11/2021 07:35 AM

Hello, MaM.

First off, I want to tell you that I remember the terror and panic of being in your situation. My details vary greatly from yours, but one of the first lessons I learned was to focus on the commonalities we have as waywards, rather than the differences. The fact that neither I nor the OM "got off" on betrayal doesn't minimize the fact that I deliberately betrayed my husband. I don't have words to describe the moment that I had to face what I did, and then the horrifying reality that however bad it was for me, it was going to be even worse for the person I promised to love and respect.

Because I remember this, I understand why you're catapulting back and forth between "I'm ready to do whatever he needs, whatever it takes, and to let go of the outcome," and then in the next post, "Do you think my AP will really tell him, how can I keep him from telling him, it's too dangerous for my BH to know the truth." I'm not surprised you're in a bargaining stage, but you have to take a deep breath and get past that. This is reality. You will not be able to function with lies of this enormity hanging over your heads. No matter how terrible it will be for your BH to hear this from you, it's still better than hearing it from the psychopath.

You also need to understand that every minute that you don't tell him the truth is racking up more debt. It's easy to see delay as sparing your BH from pain, but he's going to remember every interaction with the AP, and the longer you wait, the more interactions there are. If AP gets off on dominance, then he's probably throwing double entendres every day that will have sudden and terrible meaning to your husband in retrospect. You can end that now. You can put the power in your BH's hands -- to make decisions about his marriage, about his employment, about his future. You can make it clear that you and AP are total and permanent history. And you can do it proactively. Voluntary confessions to a BS who knows nothing are few and far between on this site. You have the power to shift from the most egregious WW behavior to the most exemplary WW support. Telling him the absolute truth is the only way to do that.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/11/2021 08:47 AM


BraveSirRobin gave you some really good advice.

I sat on the fence about telling my wife and as I mentioned in my earlier post I was trying to build up the courage to tell her when my affair partner exposed it all to my wife - but in a cruel way.

You've made a decision to end the affair. You are no contact. You are starting to grasp what you did. Those are big first steps. You are trying to get out of infidelity.

Confessing is the hardest thing for you to decide to do right now. As much as everything goes don't give up on wanting to fight for your marriage and family. Yes you will need to accept that you do not control the outcome, but also don't give up, show your husband you want to fight for your family.

Every one of us waywards here have been through D-Days. You can read the posts and the struggles many have had. One thing you will see again and again is to just be honest and lay it all out there. It makes a difference not only for your husband, but also for yourself. There was a relief that I felt when the lies stopped and I was admitting to everything. I hope you get to that too.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/11/2021 11:08 AM

If you go to the top of the Wayward Side Forum there is one post that is pinned "Things That Every WS Needs to Know"

Read it and print it off as a reference for yourself in the coming days. It really is a super helpful post.

Best of luck and be strong. You got this.

blahblahblahe posted 3/11/2021 11:21 AM

good advice. I think my AP is also scared of what might happen to his personal image if this story comes out.
I would be happy if my AP suffer from the consequences of his actions. Also because I'm pretty sure this isn't his first time. Let's say that over the years he has also made several enemies in his business related world. He is a man without mercy and morality even in his work and he does not mind using people for his personal interest. He is a narcissist, he lack empathy. A psychopath.

Unfortunately you are taking the wrong ideas from my posting.

The AP being a narcissist/predator/psychopath is not relevant. I was providing you a thought cloud on how to assist your husband not an outlet for revenge because you need a villain other than yourself in your story.

When your husband is either informed or discovers some level of the depth of your betrayal (this is evitable be it today or tomorrow) if your OM decides to get his jollies one more time by threatening to put out a false narrative about your husband (ie work performance below expectations etc. et al.), this could be used to provide him pause in such actions.

Frankly, I suspect you have very little regard for your husband judging by the tones and vocabulary choices exhibited in your postings, however perhaps you can help him in the very small manner of extricating himself without further damage to his career.

Saving your marriage, I am not certain this is in your husbands best long term interests as I find myself wordless at what you participated in and what it means about your core. Redemption requires more than running back to your plan B because you made a series of decisions at the expense of others (please note the plural (others), as your child is included in this).

Change, I sincerely hope you can...as I suspect this behavior is not just limited to your husband. Furthermore you are a risky proposition for your husband, whatever happens his ROI on you would need well be well beyond (this shall be something you may want to ponder before DDAY)

Jorge posted 3/11/2021 16:13 PM

Consider talking to an employment attorney to discuss your husband's options. Minimally an attorney can represent you and husband in executing a separation agreement. Your AP may be the principal founder, President and CEO but he still answers to a board of directors and if needed has to respond to any legal inquiry made on your behalf by an attorney that discusses company and employee separation.

An employment specialist can also confirm whether industry wide ethics violations were made, or any other options that you may or may not be able to pursue. This wouldn't be to exact revenge but to limit the potential career and financial loss your husband may incur as a result of circumstances NOT of his doing that undermined his ability work and perform.

Documented email communications between you and the AP may be construed as blackmail and coercion. He answers to a board of directors and your AP and Board would want to avoid any spiff that could go public and is possibly impactful on the company's bottom line, hence would want to discuss settlement...quietly. An employment attorney can counsel you what you have or don't have available to you with respect to employment laws in your country.

Perhaps outside of the legal realm, he (attorney) can negotiate a substantial severance settlement of some kind claiming your affair can be seen as having imparted significant emotional injury and stress upon your husband, thereby making it impossible for him to work and function at a certain level. Your husband's diagnosis may find him incapable of working and emotionally disabled.

He may be able to find work but that's possibly the easy part. Him being able to work is another matter. It'll be a while before he can regain his cognitive abilities and perform at a level consistent with industry and professional level requirements. Personally, I don't see this being any different than if he had been physically assaulted and rendered unable to work due to physical injuries.

[This message edited by Jorge at 4:19 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

darkwof posted 3/11/2021 18:25 PM

The phone call fantasy he had really set off a alarm with me. I have done this before, this man is NOT crazy he is dark and devious. Is there ANY way possible for you to get your husband to get another job lined up or even better started on a new one before you activate the nuclear bomb? This may help some of the fallout. Your husbands boss loves getting one over on other men. He is laughing at your husband and probably shaking his hand and smiling to his face, even acting like he is a friend. It is 50/50 weather he will say anything because he seems to like having this over your husband and probably others as well. He may also my tell your husband just to crush him. Do not underestimate this man he may have gotten vid/pics without your notice. For example if he was behind you during sex he could have got his phone and took vid/pics. You need to get legal advice on your options.

madeamistake posted 3/11/2021 18:34 PM

Small update:
I planned my confession on Sunday. I'll take my son to my parents so I can talk to my husband in the afternoon. I'm pretty much done with my timeline, it pretty clearly describes what happened. Obviously I'm scared of death about what's going to happen. My family is about to be destroyed by my actions, by my selfish needs pursuing meaningless sex.
I think the best solution for everyone for now is for me to step aside for a while at least initially (I'll book a hotel room in order to give for my husband space). As I said I will contact some people close to my husband so that they can monitor his actions and health.
I don't know how to deal with my son, we have always been very close and I don't know if I can accept the idea of ​​not seeing him for several days or weeks in a row. I will not ask my husband anything, even if we get a divorce (which Itís almost 100% sure) but I would just like to continue spending time with my son and make him feel loved.
As for me I will start with IC next week (I already have a scheduled appointment), I'm sure I have a long way in front of me to try to understand why I cheated on my husband in this henious way. I've always been a bit fragile, I don't like to fight with people and I've always been a people pleaser. During my betrayal I knew full well that what I was doing was totally wrong but I allowed it to happen to please my AP. I realize now that in this relationship my AP was the dominant and controlling party and I was submissive to him.
I don't think I have self esteem issues but surely there is something deeply broken in me if I had the need to feel wanted and chased by a man who in the end is a stranger and who had no interest in me but only his horrible fantasies in mind. I feel and am worthless, and I deserve to feel that way.

Important update: my AP broke the no contact. It was since I left him (a week ago) that he hadn't tried to cantact me. This afternoon I get a call from a number I didn't know. I immediately thought that something was up but I answered.
It was him.
I immediately tried to shut him down by saying that he is the last person on the face of the earth I want to talk to, that I have already done enough damage with his help and I don't need any further circumstances to make the situation even worse.
He tried to apologize to me for his last words a week ago, justifying himself by saying he was hurt by my intention to leave him. He told me he won't say anything to my husband and last time he threatened me to continue the relationship but realized he was wrong. He started talking nonsense about loving me and that he is happy that I confess everything to my husband and offer me the chance to move in with him.
This time I didn't beg with him but I threatened that if he didn't leave my husband and myself alone, I would take legal action against him.
I'm also going to ask for a legal consultation next week to see how you can formally request a no contact from him and see if I can report him for stalking.
I honestly don't know if the hard line will help or if it could end up irritating him and have him going to torment my husband. But I want to finally send him a clear message that any contact from him is not welcome.

A huge mess right now.
I'm just trying with all my limitations and mistakes to take one small step at a time in the right direction.

Thanks everyone for the help. Coming here to write makes me feel a little less alone right now. Knowing that there are people who are available to help me (even with harsh messages that I deserve 100%) makes me feel a little less worthless.

LoveMyHusband posted 3/12/2021 07:58 AM

I have somehow the feeling you concentrate mainly on "technical issues" unless it's about damage control. Some posters pointed in this direction. You need some initial level of insight here before confession, especially in your situation.

In that sense, your posts sound cold, heartless. This was me at the beginning. The French say it's the tone that makes the music. One poster above mentioned it and you decided to ignore it. As he says it's probably not only with your husband. It is concerning. I also ask why? Why is that? You have to ask yourself too.

You know, perception is reality. Everything begins and ends in our heads. It's valid for sex too. I want to address a few things because despite the differences they sound so similar to my initial reasoning. And I want you to avoid saying things to your husband that eventually may make things worse.

First, look here

selfish needs pursuing meaningless sex.

Also from the initial post

From the first moment, I saw him I was incredibly attracted: he's so tall and handsome, extremely confident and charismatic, he's the type of guy that takes what he wants.
I'm ashamed to say it but he's the classic guy who gets a lot of female attention. He knows he is very attractive and for some reason, this made him irresistible in my eyes.
Long story short, After exchanging numbers, we began to text each other. It's a clichť to admit it but his attentions flattered me. He was romantic and sweet at first (a surprise considering the kind of man he is). His attention was like a drug, I spent my days waiting for a message or a phone call

Sex wasn't meaningless to you, the needs we will discuss later. You have to admit: you liked it, you passionately pursued it, you were o.k. with destroying your husband, son, your family, his family. For what? Meaningless sex? I don't think so. I think you are not honest with yourself. If it's true it's even worse but I think it meant all the world to you as it happened. Now, you see that your life is in ashes and it goes up in smoke. You are in damage control and survival mode. This was my line too and I did it only once and never intended to do it again (not that it makes me better). As I said it took me to lose my husband to start and be willing to truly work on myself. Only then I started to confront my demons.

And then this

My lover turned out to be a lousy and terrible person. A man who stops at nothing or anyone to get what he wants. I asked him to leave my husband and me alone and begged him to consider my son and how this could ruin his childhood. From his answers I can see him as a madman right now, how did I not notice it before.

I'm ashamed to say it but he's the classic guy who gets a lot of female attention. He knows he is very attractive and for some reason, this made him irresistible in my eyes.

Do you see here what I'm talking about? It's not that you didn't see. You wanted it; you were attracted to it. It attracted you but now you don't understand. That's not the truth. Dig deeper. Let me also tell you a thing about irresistibility. It's not another person. It's another thing within yourself. It's the immediate gratification and the low threshold to get it immediately that we can't resist. We project and "blame" it on others. Mental projection as a defense mechanism to confront demons then either everyone or some people become "irresistible". That's bullshit. You don't want it you don't do it. You have agency over your actions. Everyone has. Not every attraction that one has, one has also a desire to act in it. A well-rounded person sees it for what it is and moves on. Never say to your husband the sex was meaningless. Never.

Look, If YOU want to heal admit it. It's a dark place but the healing begins for YOU when YOU understand what the problem is with YOU and unless YOU do it no man will be safe with YOU as a partner and in the long run I believe it is not in your husband's best interest to stay married to you.

Ask yourself a few questions and again, I raise it because you mentioned it here:

From the first moment I saw him, I was incredibly attracted

he's so tall and handsome, extremely confident and charismatic

he's the type of guy that takes what he wants

he's the classic guy who gets a lot of female attention.

He knows he is very attractive and for some reason, this made him irresistible in my eyes.

It's a clichť to admit it but his attentions flattered me.

He was romantic and sweet

His attention was like a drug

my AP was the dominant and controlling

So, that's the questions:

1.What kind of men are you drawn to?
2. Dominant or prestigious men?
3. You seem to like dominant men. You clearly stated in your first and last post.
4. Why do you like dominant men and even more so prefer them over, let's say, over prestigious men? Both of them are influential but in different ways. The latter one does it by giving example, in a laidback way, he contributes to the world and leaves a legacy even if he's not rich, he isn't dominating or controlling (but inspiring others), he doesn't walk over bodies, he has morals and the list goes on. Think about your preferences.
5. Do you like bad guys, jerks?
6. Again, you stated it was part of your attraction to him. Again, YOU wrote about it
7. Why is that?
8. Do you know the difference between a bad boy who is a jerk and someone who's simply not a people pleaser, nonconformist, confronts people on shit, doesn't accept the whims of society, doesn't let anyone influence him, and is "bad" in a good way
9. Think about it. I think it's relevant for your healing. Those motives go through all your post.
10. What kind of personality type is your husband (as a man and a person)? And NO, it's NOT a free pass to cheat. You talk and work with him together on whatever your needs are. Together and not with other people.

I've always been a bit fragile; I don't like to fight with people and I've always been a people pleaser.

Also, people pleaser know the difference between right and wrong. Not all people pleaser cheat. You said sex was great despite him being a pervert. People pleaser or not, you enjoyed it, you'll have to admit it, to own it. Otherwise, again whether people pleaser or not, you wouldn't like it. You'll maybe go along but wouldn't find it great. Never use this excuse when confessing to your husband. It's not taking responsibility.

Again, a few questions:

1. A lot of people, men and women, like kinky sex. Do you like it.
2. If you liked it, were you honest and opened up to your husband
3. The vast majority of people know the difference between the fantasy behind the kink and reality. For me, you have a problem with it. You have to deeply think about it.
4. Let me tell you. I went for this kind of dirty fantasy and at the time had a problem with seeing and understanding it. Parts of your description felt like a scenario of a porn movie to me. Again, work on it.
5. You conflate needs with fantasy. You need to sort it out and see how you address true sexual needs in a healthy and not destructive way
6. As a woman this extensive and constant occupation with sex isn't easy. We attribute it to men although from my perspective today it isn't true. If you want to understand your husband's devastation you need to do this also from his perspective as a MAN. And this is true for men. To understand the devastation of a wife, men need also to understand the wife's devastation from her perspective as a WOMAN. True healing I learned goes beyond the personal and interpersonal. Cheating has a ripple effect. This is what I learned. Think about it. You have a lot of work to do.

Now, a word about the harshness of comments. No, you shouldn't be accepting of all comments. Some comments overstep boundaries. You should not be o.k. with them and those people should be called out. However, don't rush to brush all harsh comments as such. Look at it as a practice. A practice to be humble.

What I learned is that entitlement and lack of humility are great contributors to affairs. You know, if a person feels entitled, he isn't humble. I indeed felt entitled to have one. Yes, even at the expense of my husband who was nothing but good, supportive and loving to me.

So, you know what's the antidote to entitlement? It's humility. Unless it hasn't overstepped boundaries take it. We are strangers on the internet, we don't know you, but know that your husband will be harsh, more than us. Practice it here so you can better respond to your husband. So, you can truly show him that you're humble. At least working on it.

A lot here was counter-intuitive but for me, it was crucial both for myself as well as for assisting my ex in healing after the divorce. It was and still is a long journey. We still haven't got back and only later we began what I can describe as a friendly relationship.

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 10:52 AM, March 12th (Friday)]

thatwilldo posted 3/12/2021 16:46 PM

Hello, MAM.

You've been very brave to write about your affair here on SI. I had an affair also with a really disgusting character and he didn't treat me well. What I came to realize is that I was as disgusting as he was. I felt entitled to do what made me feel good in the moment and when I read years later that I had to humble myself, as LoveMyHusband said, I was shocked because, like you, I thought I was a very good mother. I was not. I sent my daughters to another room so I could be alone with AP, kiss him and tell him I thought I was falling in love with him. A good mother never does that. More importantly, throughout my two-year long affair, I was risking the marriage and my children's financial and emotional future. I feel so bad that I was willing to take that risk.

HikingOut mentioned a book that will be helpful for you: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It was so helpful for me. She gives details on how to help and how not to behave. Please help yourself by reading it. You can change your thinking which is necessary, if you want to change your behavior.

Also, think deeply about LoveMyHusband's comments to you. She has taken lots of time to give you guidance. Learn from it.

madeamistake posted 3/12/2021 19:36 PM

First of all I want to thank you. You obviously put a lot of effort and time in your post and getting the point of view of someone who once walked in my shoes means a lot.

I also want to apologize about one thing. I think I stated it before but english is not my first lenguage. Iím trying to do my best my vucabolary is limited so I think itís hard for me to express my feelings. Therefore my post can appear cold and emotionless from outside but believe me iím far from that. Iím an huge mess right now, trying to hold back my tears and iím having an hard time eating.

Letís start expressing my mind in regard to your post:
Before I said I throw away for meaningless sex. with meaningless sex I didn't mean I didn't care about it or i view it as worthless at the time.
Far from it. Otherwise I would not have actively pursued it, planned and executed numerous hook ups in these 5 months.

What I meant is that although the sex was really great (I'm trying to be honest and not sugarcoat) it was absolutely not worth it. Destroy my family, terribly hurt my husband, and risk my child's emotional well-being for sex? It's not worth it and it was a horrible choice on my part.

I certainly agree that there is something broken in me. And I'm definitely not a safe partner for my husband.
It is evident that it is not healthy how I handled the attraction to my AP. My behavior from the start is not that of a safe and reliable partner. I voluntarily gave him my phone number the first time I saw him! I never should have done that and just move on with my life with my family.

It is difficult to rationally express what kind of man i'm is attracted to. I think attraction has a strong irrational basis.
And I think it's not easy to define a person under a single label either. I think that each of us can be defined in a different way depending on the context.
But let's say that in general I am attracted to a dominant man. More than dominant I would say a man who expresses strength in his actions, who is courageous and does not allow himself to be beaten down by adversity.
When you said ďsomeone who's simply not a people pleaser, nonconformist, confronts people on shit, doesn't accept the whims of society, doesn't let anyone influence him, and is "bad" in a good way ď this could be the description of my AP when I first met him and during the early days of our relationship. From an external observer he can be seen in this light but knowing him better I found he has a terrible and dark hidden character. I liked the first part a lot but knowing him better I felt more and more frightened by his ruthless and somewhat violent way of doing things.
My husband's personality? Let's say it is much more like mine (people pleaser), an excellent listener and who tries in every way to put at ease the people he encounters both at work related situations and with the family and relativies.
I've always thought that having similar personalities has always been the key factor that has made us get along well all these years. It sounds strange but I can't remember a single fight in all the years of our relationship. Yes we have had some misunderstandings but we have always discussed them in a loving and in quiet way. And as you say that doesn't count for my decision to cheat. It was my choice and my husband clearly has nothing to do with my terrible flaws as a person and partner.

Answering your second set of questions:
I like kinky sex? Well first of all define kinky sex, I think everyone can have a different definition about it. Iím pretty straightforward with what I like and what I donít like sexually.
My husband and I always had a good comunication regarding the sexual part of our relationship. As I stated after our son was born our sex life took a hit both in quality and quantity. I think there are many factors that contributed to that happening (at first after giving birth I was self conscious about my body, all the new things that need to be take care of, being constantly tired etc).
For sure as you stated I have to start learning to express my sexual desire in a non destructive way.
Iím trying to put myself in my BHís shoes and see things from a manís point of view. I realize that sexual detail can be particulary hurtful for BHs and thatís where my affair is unbelievabely destructive.

I agree 100% about entitlelment and humilty. When I started the affair I feel entitled and justified in taking some fun on the side. Of course thatís a terrible way of thinking that makes me an unsafe parter.

Iím happy to see you are still in good terms with your ex husband. That gives me hope.

LoveMyHusband posted 3/13/2021 04:44 AM

I want to start with a golden rule for you to reflect and ponder upon. I committed myself to make it a part of my nature. Here it is and later throughout the discussion, you'll its importance.

So, here we go:

Never let passion override compassion!

Now, let's look at it from the perspective of the "active souls" in here despite the shit bag:

Destroy my family, terribly hurt my husband, and risk my child's emotional well-being for sex? It's not worth it and it was a horrible choice on my part.

1. First, ask yourself whether you were compassionate towards yourself. While in or before your affair you maybe thought that being entitled to cheat, entitled to limitless passion (having always to say yes), maybe believing that even some slight abstinence is some evil preached by religious fanatics, that you're doing yourself a favor, that it will give you happiness.

Now, you're in dire straits, your life is in ashes, everything dear to you might go up in smoke. I hope you'll realize you weren't compassionate first of all towards yourself. That's the delusion that was sold everywhere: romance novels, porn culture but also the industry of infidelity. Unfortunately, it is ingrained in our culture.† We are taught to live on the fast lane, to have it always bigger and better. But is it compassionate? Think and reflect on it.

2. Then your husband. Were you compassionate towards him? Did you consider his devastation if you get caught or your AP tells him? Is taking the risk considered compassionate towards him (and yourself). He'll not be able to see his child as he was unless you get 50%/50% custody. I don't know the rules where you live but where I live custody normally goes to the mother. Is it compassionate to expose your husband to all the mental images and mind-movies of you being with AP almost in every corner of the house while having better sex? That's crushing for men. You have here betrayed men. Ask them or read their stories

3. Compassion towards your child. He'll be affected. You brought the shit bag to your home. Did he see him? And what if the child caught you with AP. Where is your motherly love? Where is your compassion towards your child

4. Compassion towards families. You might bring hostility between the two families. You brought pain and shame in both families. Is this instant gratification worth it? Where is the compassion?

So, once again: never let passion override compassion

Now, let's see your comment

When you said, ďsomeone who's simply not a people pleaser, nonconformist, confronts people on shit, doesn't accept the whims of society, doesn't let anyone influence him, and is "bad" in a good way ď this could be the description of my AP when I first met him and during the early days of our relationship. From an external observer he can be seen in this light but knowing him better I found he has a terrible and dark hidden character

I still believe you misunderstand this and worse are not honest with yourself because it's a dark place and it is very uncomfortable to be there. Why I suspect this? Because you hinted to it here:

he's the type of guy that takes what he wants

my AP was the dominant and controlling

You probably dismissed it because that's what attracted you.

And again:

When you said, ďsomeone who's simply not a people pleaser, nonconformist, confronts people on shit, doesn't accept the whims of society, doesn't let anyone influence him, and is "bad" in a good way ď this could be the description of my AP when I first met him and during the early days of our relationship. From an external observer he can be seen in this light but knowing him better I found he has a terrible and dark hidden character

I also lack information about the shit bag but from the few things that you wrote not only here, I think it is not how your IP was but what you projected unto him. You quite admitted here by writing that it was your first impression. I pointed to something that might be good but you misinterpreted it

So, you see, your AP was who he always was. Nothing changed about him. It's your understanding that has changed. Again, I don't have enough information about your AP but from the few things you wrote you, AP seems to be an extrovert and probably with all the problematic side of it. For sure, they have a good one). Yet, I suspect you unconsciously ignored the bad ones and exaggerated the good ones. It happens a lot even in non-infidelity-related situations. When we legitimately fall in love we do this all the time. In an affair, it is just more destructive

So, rather than being a people pleaser, he's a manipulative con artist (and based on your attraction you chose to ignore or conflate it), he is not a nonconformist but a jerk who walks over bodies (you quite admitted it and again based on your attraction ignored it, he may confront people on shit once he benefits from it, he might the accept the whims of society but only if he gains something (in fact, I believe he does) doesn't let anyone influence him is possible, and he isn't "bad" in a good way but he's a common jerk and con artist.

I think you need to sort this everything out and get your preferences straight. It is o.k. to be attracted to someone who's strong, confident, doesn't go with the flow, etc but you have to ask yourself how come that you are attracted to those who misuse it,† to those who misunderstand it and take advantage of it to hurt others. Also, ask yourself how comes, YOU misunderstand this

Indeed, the basic attraction isn't rational. You also can't control it.† Yet, what matters it's how one handles it. Jumping on the first attraction without evaluating anything is shallow. Believing you have the right to some fun at the expense of others is entitlement. Not being able to stop and saying no knowing the devastation it can cause is both selfish and points to the low threshold of being unable to say no to instant gratification. Here sexual gratification. For me, it was hard to admit but I decided to do it anyway, anything that I need to become a better woman. So, yes, my one-time dirty fantasy I executed was plain and simple hedonism. I indulged in it. Can you do this too?

Anyway, a well-rounded person doesn't such things. He those things for what they are and moves on. Once you have, you see it for what it is and moves on. With this right perception, it's easy. You don't have to fight attraction because fighting it is as dangerous as indulging. It still sucks you in. With the right perception, you just look at it without identification or judgment. It isn't personal anymore. It's one of the many goods and bad thing arising in mind and you treat it everything else. You don't go and kill someone for instant gratification, you know it's wrong and you don't do it. The same here and with practice it becomes easier.

However, there is a lot of cultural conditioning (for both men and women, it's not a gendered issue). Especially in the west, we condition to seek the most shallow, evil, and hedonistic part of our nature.. We are taught that saying yes to everything but denied the truth that being able to say no brings a higher level of satisfaction and freedom. There is freedom in saying yes but even more so freedom in saying no. We are thought to have affairs, that it's o.k. to be unfaithful, that our right, that we deserve this fun, and many more

A last word about sex, love, and compassion.

You said that you're in love with your husband. I would go again and against the grain and ask you to reflect on that love.

First reflection: I'm in love means I love myself; I love means I love you.

The second topic to reflect: Although a marriage can't exist without sex, sex is not the most important ingredient for happiness and success of married life. Those who have become sex slaves would only ruin love and humanity in marriage. There are different kinds of love, and I would ask you to reflect upon them to understand what you mean by love

So, there is motherly love (for men fatherly one), brotherly (or sisterly) love, sensual love, emotional love, sexual love, selfish love, hedonistic love, selfless love,† universal love, and altruistic love.
If people develop only their carnal or selfish love towards each other, that type of love cannot last long.

In a true love relationship, one should not ask how much one can get, but how much one can give. When beauty, complexion, and youth start to fade away, a husband or wife who considers only the physical aspects of love may think of acquiring another more attractive one. This kind of misperception also might lead and excuse affairs

That type of love is animal love or lust. If a man or a woman develops love as an expression of human concern for another being, he or she will not lay emphasis only on the external beauty and physical attractiveness of his/her partner. That is even true for some non-physical aspects, especially the shallow ones. By not doing this they secure themselves from falling prey to this attraction, affairs and also seeing cons for what they are

The beauty and attractiveness of his/her partner should be not only external but in their heart and mind, not in what they see or perceive in a shallow way, and I would say that the external elements of love should be perceived from the internal perspective of heart and mind.

Therefore, ask yourself how you relate to the different types of love and where you put yourself in that sense regarding your husband. Because with a healthy frame of love, you as his wife would have never shown him this disrespect and lack of compassion even though there might have been problems, unsolved issues, etc, and in a wider sense even if he would have become old, poor or sick.

In the ideal world, sex is the physical apex of a deeply satisfying emotional relationship, where both partners give and take equally. The depiction of love in commercials through the mass media in the "western" culture is not "real" love. When an animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love," but after having experienced sex, it just forgets about love. Affairs are even lower than this animal love. For animals, sex is just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. In affairs, it's just hedonism and selfishness

But as human beings we have the capacity to offer much more in the concept of love. We can take it down and degrade it and we can also uplift it to the highest of levels. Duties and responsibilities, for instance, are important ingredients to maintain unity, harmony, and understanding in a relationship between human beings. Practice this in marriage and reap the rewards everywhere. But you first have to change your mindset to see it

Sex can even be used selfishly as a form of hedonism in terms of instant gratification. That's not compassion and it ain't leading you to long-lasting love, satisfaction, and happiness. In the end, as you see it creates suffering. In an ideal situation and especially in happy married life, both love and sex are inseparable because they are expressions not only of love but also of care and compassion as a form of generosity towards your partner. And especially with the specifics of your affair, you have deeply violated all of those elements

So, work stepwise:

1. Work and sort out not only your perceptions but your world of values. Find that which was dormant in you and enabled the affair, the way you justified it, your thought process that enabled it, and the value that contributes to this behavior. Those are the real and deep Whys

2.Then you have to change and replace it with a new and healthy one.

3. You practice and implement it and it takes a long time†

In my opinion, if you are not ready and willing to do this you are an unsafe partner.

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 9:40 AM, March 13th (Saturday)]

Lurkerul posted 3/13/2021 14:09 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:16 PM, March 13th (Saturday)]

madeamistake posted 3/13/2021 15:35 PM

Hi everyone, I'm just writing to tell you that tomorrow will be DDAY. I have prepared two timelines, one with basic facts and one very detailed. I will try to introduce everything in order to allow my husband to gradually realize what has happened.

I will offer him to leave home if he deems it necessary. However, I will let him know that he can count on my support if he wants to at any time.

Thank you all for the support, I will try to answer your posts soon. Right now I'm in a state of shock and can't think of anything.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/14/2021 06:11 AM

Good luck, MaM. You'll be in my thoughts today. Please update us as soon as you're able.

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