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Sex and my worth

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/23/2021 15:58 PM

For the past several days, i have been thinking about why sex was such a desperate need for me to feel good or wanted in any way. I grew up in a home where i didn't feel nurtured, seen, or heard. I was very neglected by both parents and sheltered. My first memory of any physical or emotional connection was one when an older sister of mine had me kiss her on the mouth and put my hands in her pants. I was probably 3 or 4 years old, but i remember what it felt like. Honestly and of course i feel uncomfortable saying it, but it was my first memory of what it felt like to be loved or nurtured. Then was i 9-11 years old I was molested by a male cousin who i was very close to and saw him as my brother. Most of the time, it happened in my parents bedroom and when he would do things to me in the beginning, i was scared and confused. I wanted my Mom to come in the room and save me but no one ever checked on us. I ended up just staying quiet the whole time and felt he's doing this because he cares about me and my cousin wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I ended up liking how it felt to. Was i forcing myself to like it? Why?

I grew up with nothing but boys and when they became teenagers they started to like me and wanted to do things with me. I thought they were cute, but i was really into girls, but i didn't want to let them down so i did things with some of them in order to not be shut out from them. And a few times i had sex with guys, i did it because i thought that was what i was supposed to do and i wanted them to like me and not leave me. I would also watch late night HBO or Cinemax as a teenager to watch women have sex with men. I realize now, that's the only way i felt people connected with each other. That was the only way to feel loved, good, wanted or cared for. There was no talking about feelings in my home growing up. When i became sexual with women at 23, that's all i thought about was when we would have sex. I didn't know what to expect or what to do, that's all i knew and felt i was good at. I was never interested with talking to people or connecting with them because having sex was the only way i could "talk" to them. I felt as long as i have sex with them, they won't leave me and they will like me.

This was the same for the relationship with my BS. I put all my eggs in a basket as far as sex not once thinking about everything else that's important that is required or fundamental for a relationship to work. I even told BS I was dominant in all my relationships and how i was good at being intimate which for me equated sex. I have always been an attention seeking person because of my low self-esteem or insecurities with myself. I would also sexually objectify women and men and even now discovered that i self objectify myself. Why is this okay? As much as i worked hard for people to want me sexually or to gain attention in any way, i deep down felt miserable and ended up ruining so many relationships and even with friends. I only wanted certain friends because i liked them more than just a friend. Once i was combatted about me trying to control my BS with sex or doing anything external to keep the relationship going, i lost it emotionally. I felt helpless and angry. I felt losing control meant i had nothing and people would start to see me for who i really was. I wanted to explode. I was angry at everyone in sight. I eventually sought other women and tried to get anyone's attention whether you were a man or a woman. I wanted to be wedged in anyone's life whether they liked me or not.

It's miserable though. None of this s*** brings happiness ever. It's a high this minute, this hour, that day or night. I have been feeling pretty down lately, but i try to resort saying it's things that really aren't the deeper rooted answer to the feelings. It's me, i am finally sitting with me. Not trying to seek someone to make me forget about this feeling. I cheated because i knew i could have sex with a person and that's all i wanted and i didn't have to talk about my feelings. I could escape them. I did the shitty thing of blame shifting when i knew all along i pulled the trigger that blew up everything.

I have been talking with people that are safe lately and the connection feels better and different than if i sought them in toxic ways. I honestly feel like so much weight has been lifted and it's relieving. However, it only really matters to have these conversations with my BS who i have abandoned and sit in all that i have caused for so long. To make amends and let her get inside of my thoughts, feelings, how's and they why's.


I needed to let this out, feel free to chime in..

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 1:37 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

MrsWalloped posted 2/24/2021 09:50 AM

None of this s*** brings happiness ever. It's a high this minute, this hour, that day or night.

Everyone has different reasons for cheating. Reasons, not excuses. People are looking for different things. What we don't realize is that it never works. It's fleeting and you need to keep going back to fill that well because otherwise all your left with is the emptiness and an even bigger hole because you took this path.

I've seen so many stories here and the message is the same. Love, validation, self-esteem, escape, soothe pain, and on and on. Unfortunately it's only when you're left with yourself and you can really look inside and see who you are and what you've done that you recognize that it's just emptiness and worthless at the cost of hurting those we love. True growth begins when you get to that realization. Then you can start working on your authentic self and not look outside for whatever it is you think you're missing that the sex will fix.


hikingout posted 2/24/2021 10:00 AM

Chance at life - I just want to say that I could have written this post, the details are slightly different but the themes, root causes, themes in my life are identical. I tried to highlight and quote your post, but when I did I found that I just wanted to highlight and quote all of it.

These are some very important connections to make in your mind between where your perceptions began, how you have perpetuated them, and what results that has given you in your life.

It's this important information about yourself that will allow you to modify your behavior because you will likely now stop and evaluate your thinking. I also want to point out that these are the kinds of seeds needed towards self compassion. Understanding where these things come from combined with changes you make because of being cognizant will allow you to eventually say to yourself:

When I knew better I did better.

Getting to that point has been a game changer for me. Our lack of self compassion, our sick little secrets, they all just compound shame and keep us stuck. You deserve to be freed from that state of stuck. Keep working and you will believe that too. I do most of the time now, but I do get in pockets. The more that happens the shorter those pockets stay and the less time they hang around.

Great update, and a very brave post.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:46 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

Sadwife53 posted 2/24/2021 10:42 AM

Imagine yourself as an adult hugging that little girl and telling her that you love her, value her and will protect her now, that she has no need to look to others for those things anymore.

fooled13years posted 2/24/2021 11:17 AM

ChanceAtLife35

I realize now, that's the only way i felt people connected with each other. That was the only way to feel loved, good, wanted or cared for. There was no talking about feelings in my home growing up. When i became sexual with women at 23, that's all i thought about was when we would have sex. I didn't know what to expect or what to do, that's all i knew and felt i was good at. I was never interested with talking to people or connecting with them because having sex was the only way i could "talk" to them. I felt as long as i have sex with them, they won't leave me and they will like me

I am so sorry you experienced so many negative things as a child. What you learned prevented you, IMHO, from having a "normal" childhood.

Take heart though as anything learned can be replaced with new information and I hope this new information is healthy and productive.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/24/2021 16:25 PM

@MrsWalloped, You couldn't have stated that any better. I could build a mountain with all of the excuses i came up with as to why i cheated. I know it took my BS, IC, 2x4's, recovery, and facing myself to realize it was really deep rooted issues as to how i got here and why i cheated. And felt complete emptiness and worthlessness for sure, but i always identified it as feeling "alone." I really appreciate your kinds words and insight and will do all things to achieve authenticity and love and care for myself.

@hikingout, That's unbelievable that you can relate to so many things i said. Most of what i said in my initial post were secrets that i kept for so long and it literally made me physically and mentally sick. I was so withdrawn and detached from the world to not allow myself to ever connect to myself and others. I am tired of hiding and it's so relieving to let this out. I mean that's why we are here, to let it all out and heal. I do deserve to be free and show self-compassion for myself as i have always just been so critical of who i am. I will get there and i will be patient and not let myself get in the way. I hope you healed these parts of you too and i appreciate your support.

@Sadwife53, When i said most of these to my BS, she said the exact same thing. You touched my heart and i allowed myself to cry when i read your words. I always thought everything was my fault, so the little me deserves the world from me now and forever. I truly appreciate your kind words.

@fooled13years, Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. Although my childhood isn't considered normal, i have to focus on the good memories i was able to have. When i don't do that, i feel so sad and cry. I am for learning new information and replace it with healthy and productive actions to go along with it.

***hugs to all of you***

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