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HorribleHubby posted 2/16/2021 13:43 PM

Hello, I have been on the forum a while back but can't get into my old account. Our story goes back about six years. Six years that included two affairs one, one-night stand and one that lasted about seven months. I was not brave enough, to tell the truth, so I was busted. I Denied Denied Denied. I ran our finances into the ground. On D-day we had $125 in the checking account. I trickled truth through nearly everything, took two polygraphs, Failed one miserably so we got another,( Better Technician). I will tell that story if anyone wants to hear it. In the following years, I changed careers to my actual dream job. Was fired in essence because of lying. Then I lied about that to my B/S until she found my termination letter. Seems like my favorite thing to do is lye. The whole truth about everything is out now but there are still moments I seem to have an ethical lapse. When ever my B/S ask me something even trivial, I had rather say "I Didn't do it" It seems like just a reaction without thinking about it. We are going though some stuff right now and I can't really confide in the circle of friends we have. Just need a little support and feedback. All comments and questions are welcome. I'm doing my best to be an open book.

[This message edited by HorribleHubby at 4:14 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

ibonnie posted 2/16/2021 21:31 PM

If you're trying to be an "open book," some more details might be helpful, like: kids/no kids? How/where did you meet AP (affair partner)? How and when did your wife "bust" you? How long did you trickle truth, and/or are you still lying/hiding/denying/minimizing facts? How did you run your finances into the ground -- were you spending money on your AP?

We're strangers on an internet forum for infidelity support. If you want help, and want to change, there's no better place to practice being honest.

gmc94 posted 2/17/2021 01:15 AM

Are you seeing an IC? A good IC may be able to help you flesh out the dishonesty, which often originated in FOO/abandonment/ attachment style (eg, your family MO was to lie, or it was developed as a coping strategy to distant/abusive parenting). That does not excuse the behavior, but may help you find strategies to stop

There are some great WS here on SI who have described the struggle to shift from liar to honesty, and from what I’ve read, it sounds like it requires a string desire/commitment to honesty and to being super mindful.

I recall one WS who made a “ deal” that she got X period of time to come clean about any lies (it was short-like 10 min I think) so if she lied, she could have a moment to reflect and come clean w/o consequences for the dishonesty (consequences for the underlying behavior that was the subject of the lie did not go away) Anyhow, as a BS, that sounded like a fair strategy

As a BS, I can say that EVERY time my WH lied about ANYTHING after dday was traumatic- I’d rather he’d have simply punched me in the face

If you WANT to be honest, you WILL be. There is no “try”
And if you don’t - your BS deserves to know that

HorribleHubby posted 2/17/2021 07:03 AM

Hi ibonnie, thanks for the response. Fortunately, we don't have kids to drag through this. I did meet both APs on the internet. All of this happened in the span of about seven months, about six years ago. I was almost busted when I let AP use my debit card for a room and our debit card was flagged as unusual activity by the bank and they called my wife. I am not proud of it but I am a good liar. My poor wife was going nuts so I told her the card was stolen and I would figure out what happened so she doesn't have to worry about it. Sometime later AP text me and my wife grabbed my phone. I trickle truthed and minimized for as long as I could until everything came out. Yes, the finances were caused by the AP and basically me not working most days. I have nothing else to hide from that and thought everything was over with. A couple of years later I had a new career and was in one spot most of the day and making so much more money. I tried to help a guy I knew who was facing a tough situation and I rearranged wording on a document to help him. I didn't think my company would verify the document. When they did I was fired. I told B/S that they were closing 28 branches and my job was dissolved. It was believable until she checked the mail and there was a termination letter. Even though she was holding it in her hand I said "It must be a mistake." I broke and told her the truth. I started at the bottom of a company in an unrelated field, went back to school, and moved up into a great position making even more money than before. We have more now than we ever have in our lives. we did go to MC and I went to IC. We both liked him because he did not take it easy on either of us. I stayed in IC for a while longer but the sessions just became about what she and I did that week instead of getting down to my problems so I stopped going. Things went well for a while. I had the notion to buy B/S some lingerie online. I was looking on Pintrest. When it sent a notification of "Pins you Might be interested in" B/S saw it and asked me about it. The first thing out of my mouth was "I don't know what it is. I would never look at porn or anything again!" All I had to say was "I'm buying this for you." After that, I had nothing else to hide. I didn't have to worry about anyone calling that I owed money to or hiding my phone from her or worrying about what she would find on the computer. We felt free. This Valentine's Day she was going through a closet and found an old film camera. I have been getting rid of all my photography stuff and that one must have gotten pushed back in that closet and covered up. I did not hide it. She was suspicious but not too concerned. When she asked me about it I remembered it had some pics of AP on it I had honestly forgotten about. After the A was over I was nothing to do with trophies or memories of any kind. She would have been pissed but All would have worked out fine if I would have told her the truth and gave her the film. But my stupid ass panicked and I snuck up and took the film out. I didn't know she had already opened it and saw the film. When she went back to get it NO FILM. I lied to her AGAIN and tried to convince her for two days that I never touched it. Making her think she was Hallucinating or something. She finally sent me a little message saying "Tell me the truth and I won't leave, we will go to counseling and I'll give you another chance." I had already set up a zoom meeting with a new MC/IC tonight. I told her all about it and asked are going to join me tonight? She said "No I lied. How does it feel?"

[This message edited by HorribleHubby at 7:25 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

HorribleHubby posted 2/17/2021 07:10 AM

Hello Gmc94, thank you for the response. Yes there were family issues. My dad lied and cheated and stayed drunk his whole life. I didn't think those traits were hereditary so I vowed not to be like my father. I wasn't like this when we were first married. We were each other's world. The IC I went to didn't really explore that kinds of issue. I am hoping the one I have set up now will. I want to be a whole person again for BS and for myself. Nothing else matters.

hikingout posted 2/17/2021 12:49 PM

Hi HH,

Fellow Wayward here.

You have been given some good advice so far.

I want to touch on a couple of things. Building trust after an affair is an uphill battle. The Lying is undermining that process, and I know you know that.

Lying to me is a fear based response. Fear of what the other person might think. When we live in fear I think a lot of times we try and control things. So, when I say fear of what the other might think, it's also a form of trying to control how the other person thinks.

I think often it's based in feeling shame in ourselves. We don't want people to know the truth, we run around as imposters.

So, in addition to GMC's great suggestions I would just think about what it might mean for you and your shame to become more authentic. This is a lot of trying to hide who you are to prevent repercussions. The paradox is you are experiencing worse repercussions and making yourself look worse.

Being authentically who you are and still seeing you are loved is a great emotional risk to someone like you and I. I just want to assure you that it's a risk worth taking. I really liked Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong" because it addresses how much we do to avoid vulnerability, authenticity, and we starve ourselves of the intimacy we really want.

Start thinking a little bit about the fear. Acknowledging it each time and figuring out what you are afraid of may give you some important information about yourself. Consider even writing it down. I know that's a little crazy but it will give you some accountability to yourself and will get less and less comfortable as time passes. You lie because you are comfortable doing it. When you realize why you are doing it and how ineffective that is, it will help you have more of an internal response to it. I imagine right now you still lie and don't really blink an eye or even revisit it much unless you are called on it.

HorribleHubby posted 2/17/2021 13:45 PM

Hi Hikingout, that is great insight I have never thought of or no one has told me. I believe the lying IS a fear-based instinct. And yes even after all this time it is easy for me to lie but the lies always catch up. My B/S said last night that when I lie about something 99% of the time I get caught but I keep doing it. It makes sense that it is a fear-based reaction. Thank you so much. This is more insight than I got the whole time in IC.

hikingout posted 2/17/2021 14:09 PM

Work on your self worth. If you feel worthy of love, you will not have to do something to modify other peoples thoughts of you.

Manipulation and lying go hand and hand.

I will tell you something my IC had me do early out from my DDAY. It's a different behavior I was exhibiting. I wasn't a big liar in the way we are talking about it here, I lied during my affair but I wouldn't say I was a habitual or life long liar. I was instead a people pleaser, which in many ways is still a lie. Right? Because it's not honest when we people please. It's a fear based response that if we do not then we won't be loved.

So, thinking about that, my IC told me go home and start separating your "coulds" from your "shoulds". This basically meant do the bare minimum requirements in the household and not do all the extra stuff I would do to earn love.

What I was most surprised about was my husband didn't love me for my actions. I mean, yes actions and behaviors are important. But, I was living in a way I told myself needed to happen because I was afraid if I didn't do those things he wouldn't want or accept me the same way.

I didn't know consciously this was the case, it took a full year of IC to put it all together in the way I describe here.

My reason for sharing that is - do the harder thing when you want to do the easier thing. The harder thing isn't necessarily "more" it's just more authentic to who we are. The results of that will feel better to you. Being loved and being seen for all that we are, warts and all is a rewarding experience that most WS have missed. Many of us will continue to miss. Keep posting and thinking about this.

For most of us this is a brain re-wire. And, it takes a lot of mindful practice. To me, to be mindful of something you have to acknowledge it's there and be curious as to why it exists. Then, you will continue to notice it more and more.

BraveSirRobin posted 2/17/2021 21:17 PM

That's me that had the five minute deal in which I could retract a panicked lie. The good news is that the longer I went, the less I needed it. Even aside from honoring and respecting my BH, my instinct for self-preservation has finally absorbed that dishonesty is the single biggest threat to my goal of R.

One other note: don't lie to us here. We have a good ear for it, and of all people on earth, we are less likely to be offended by the unsavory truth than a falsely minimized account.

HorribleHubby posted 2/18/2021 06:50 AM

HI BraveSirRobin, I feel like the only way to change my behavior is to put everything out there and get feedback from all who have been through it as well. In the past few days, as I said to Hinkingout, I have already got more insight than I had through the whole time I went to IC. And that in part was due to me being honest with everyone around me and myself. Although I did these things I didn't want to hear how horrible of a person I was. I had the first meeting with a new IC last night. I was a little skeptical because she has only been practicing for two years. However, she was more thorough in that hour than the other one was the whole time. I feel good about talking to her but at the same time nervous because she said we would uncover whatever ugliness is in there. On another note BS and I had a little trip planned with friends this weekend, she still wants to go but I'm not sure how it's going to work out. We have been in this situation before sometimes it goes OK sometimes it doesn't. I will do my best so Wish me luck.

HorribleHubby posted 2/18/2021 13:15 PM

Good point hikingout, I was the people, pleaser, for most of my life. I have read the book "No more Mr. Nice guy" I did well at applying that to my work life, and it helped with boundary issues. but at home, I didn't want to be the husband that sat around and did nothing. I think sometimes my fear of disappointing BS is so great that I think I am protecting her by lying to her. but that exacerbates things to an atomic level If you know what I mean.

HorribleHubby posted 2/18/2021 13:15 PM

[This message edited by HorribleHubby at 1:16 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

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