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We ran into ww/bw's OM in the store before the Super Bowl last week. He was with a woman, assumed it was his SO. He looked over at us and I waved hello, asked him his pick for the game and he liked KC. Just a little small talk and we were on our way.

I Did not feel anger towards him and this bothered my wife. On the way home she asked why I had to be so "chummy" with him. I said I wasn't being chummy but holding a grudge gave him power that he's not really worthy of. I was also trying to show that me and the wife were getting on just fine. It was my way of protecting her -- but my wife saw it differently -- that somehow I didn't care a bit that he's his seen her naked. I told her I was not mad that OM found her attractive because she is quite beautiful. And I told her this in the car. This seemed to bother her even more.

I felt hurt actually that she thought so negatively about that exchange when my first instinct was to protect her/us.

A long time ago I decided not to let OM take up time and space in my head and our MC encouraged me to maintain that attitude.

So in reminding her she's beautiful and trying to protect us, I've fucked up some how. These are my days lately. I'll bring it up in next MC.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 12:56 AM, February 12th (Friday)]

This is really not that mysterious to me. If my husband did that, it would bother me that it didn't bother him. Because it would make me think that he has decided after his affair that cheating is okay.

We are outraged with things that we feel is wrong to our core. And while a lot of time passes and you may not carry ill feelings towards him and have moved on, to her that lack of jealousy/rage is a lack of passion for her. Also, we see things from how we react to them. I have to tell you that while I don't let the AP rent space in my head as much as possible, if I saw her in public, I would be unable to speak to her. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. It would be very hard for me to relate to my husband being so low key about it. It would to me be like he was letting the AP off the hook (which is a theme here - it would seem like I would think he doesn't think it's so wrong)

All this points to is a lack of security in her on how passionate you are about her and saving your marriage. Some security she has to learn to give herself. Some security you need to give her by learning to be more empathetic. It seems you are trying to pave the way by demonstrating how you wish she could be or react. Instead, follow her lead and try to understand her feelings instead of trying to talk her out of them.

If you do that, understand instead of talking her out of, it will provide more of the emotional security that she is seeking. Every time you talk her out of it she is getting feelings of lack of acceptance from you.

I do believe some of it will also need to come from her gaining her own security as well. R is a two way street.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:58 AM, February 12th (Friday)]

HO, I see it different, I'm at a stage of indifference towards OM, and I'm not going to let his existence affect me. Indifference doesn't have to mean being rude.

I felt hurt actually that she thought so negatively about that exchange when my first instinct was to protect her/us.

Had you all discussed the likelihood of this and desired responses?

So in reminding her she's beautiful and trying to protect us, I've fucked up some how. These are my days lately. I'll bring it up in next MC.

Has she asked you to protect her? Has she stated she would like to be reminded that she’s beautiful?