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Financial ? re:staying marital home vs moving

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Somber posted 2/11/2021 12:24 PM

As far as overpaying, it balances out by receiving more for your current home
I never thought of it that way. Thx. Definitely likely be selling at some point.

He is still hoping we can buy the town house together for financial investment reasons. Iím trying to weigh all the options.

I want to be amicable best I can to make things easier for myself. He loves to be in control and acts like a toddler when he doesnít get his way. I want to play my cards right so that I lessen his crappy behaviour. Itís toxic and Iíve had enough of it. I need his cooperation and want more time with my kids. So he needs to feel like he wins a bit to maybe back off with the insanity. He is selfish and manipulative like most addicts. Iím in an emotional abusive relationship to say the least. Although it may feel like making deals with the enemy, it also feels like a risk worth taking to remove myself from his abuse. He feels like he wins a bit and maybe wonít be a total A hole making my life miserable from a basement apartment which he will resent me for and act out about it all the time. You know the devil your with, right.

First priority, get him out and get space. Second priority, ensure my kids safety which they will be living with me full time and have weekly visits with him to start. Third priority, officially separate and perhaps this status quo developed can be maintained mostly.

We both have government jobs with security...meaning even if his drinking escalates and interfere with his work he will never lose his job. I donít know...typing my thoughts out here.

Itís in early stages but my kids are safer with me. The Lawyers I spoke too, itís 50/50 despite his alcoholism and history of risky behaviour. This way, he may have more control financially I suppose but I would have more control over our children and their safety. Anything is worth trying to protect my children. I highly suspect with any bachelor pad his drinking and SA behaviours will escalate. I just donít want to be on the receiving end of his entitled resentment making everything more difficult. Hence why I am again considering this...

Iíve not been through this before. You all know more than me and I appreciate feedback. I know the consensus was to not do it but I canít help think what would you do to get out of an abusive situation? Sometimes Iím not clear. Iím still in the middle of it. All I know is that I need out and need to protect my kids. If I can afford my house for a while alone then great. He will be able to afford townhouse. Iím sure some bimbo will be in it soon enough....but all that matters to me is being there for my kids as much as possible.

Aaaahhhhh it hurts there is so many angles. I wish I was separating from just another unfaithful a-hole. Add addictions, manipulations and emotional abuse in the mix plus my cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding...I can just see why I have stayed all these years. It feels very suffocating and Iíve felt stuck for many years. Trying to unstick myself is very hard/.

EllieKMAS posted 2/11/2021 12:45 PM

Somber honey - he has already proven to you for YEARS beyond any shadow of doubt that he is inherently untrustworthy, completely unwilling to adhere to his promises and commitments, and will always act in his own best interests and fuck anyone else.

Just saying - what on earth makes you think that cosigning with him would end well for you?

Frankly - where he lives and what he does is NOT your circus anymore. His financial situation is not your problem. His difficulties adulting are not your responsibility to deal with. As I said earlier - he will just need to put on his big boy undies and figure it out.

I do get the thought of carrot and stick, but YOU have to think about your own future. And getting free and clear from him as much as you can has got to be your priority, for your own mental and emotional well-being. Cosigning and tying yourself further to him is a bad idea. It gives you one more reason other than your kids to check in and concern yourself with what he's doing/where he's living/how he's faring, and you do not need to be doing that. That just keeps you sucked in to being embroiled in his drama.

Just my 0.02.

ArkLaMiss posted 2/13/2021 13:34 PM

^^^^^^Reread what Ellie wrote! Nothing good will come of you staying entangled with this man. Get yourself free! Otherw6, you could become financially responsible for this place if something happens to him OR if someone gets hurt there, they could sue YOU!
Disengage and untangle. You ABSOLUTELY cannot save yourself or your kids any other way. Otherwise he will drag you down with him just because he can!
Hugs to you.

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