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So grateful for better sleep

Hedwig posted 1/29/2021 02:32 AM

Yesterday I woke up a little grumpy, because I didn't sleep well the night before. When I say, I didn't sleep well, I mean I fell asleep maybe a little later than I wanted to and I woke up too early and was fretting about the amount of time I still had left to sleep. So I was grumpy, got out of the house a little grumpy and went to work that way.

I don't know the exact moment it happened but at some point during the morning I realized I hadn't been sleep-deprived-grumpy in a really long time. It is a feeling I've barely known over the last 9 months, because I've generally slept really really well over the last 9 months.

What happened 9 months ago, you may ask? I broke up with my toxic cheating WEXBF.
I remember the first couple of days and weeks after our break-up, I remember how well-rested I felt because of all the sleep I was getting. Even my coffee tasted better!


And it was bad before. I'm quite a light sleeper and my WEXBF was as well. He had his own business so he got up whenever he wanted and slept whenever he wanted while I have a strict schedule because of my job. Add the general toxicity of that relationship and don't forget the gift of infidelity and all the anxiety it brought along.

My god, some days I only slept 2 or 3 hours and I would get up the next morning and still go to my job and try to function like a normal human being. Some days he would be tossing and turning in my bed and then in the middle of the night tell me he was leaving to go to his own house because he couldn't relax here. I would cry or I would get up to go with him because I didn't want to be away from him. One day he told me he went through my journal and my phone while I was asleep and that's why he left in the middle of the night. You can imagine I felt even less safe sleeping next to him.

The worst were the nights he went out, especially with his best friend. They were drinking and I would be at home, having anxiety attacks, trying to get through the evening and trying to sleep while hoping he wouldn't cheat on me again. I would wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night, to see if he had texted me anything to make me feel safe. Often I would get *crickets*. A couple of times he texted me things that ended up keeping me up all night.

I let him ruin my sleep and peace a little more after our break-up, with stupid messages he would send me in the middle of the night, until I finally went NC in july.

I have felt so much peace ever since. It's just that I forgot how peaceful my life has been. Over the last 9 months, life got a little more busy again. We went from a lockdown back to more and more things opening up, me going back to my job in person, holidays, lockdown again and just your daily struggles. So I got used to the peacefullness and the quality of sleep I was getting

I felt a *little* grumpy yesterday. So when I realized the only reason I felt that tiny difference was because I was otherwise well-rested, I felt so so grateful. I have made one of the best decisions of my life by breaking up with my WEXBF.

I wanted to share this, see if it resonated with you guys and shine a light on positive things during our new beginnings.

What are you most grateful for after separation/divorce/break-up?

The1stWife posted 1/29/2021 06:49 AM

Great post Hedwig. Glad to see things are going well for you.

And glad you can see your alcoholic XBF for what he is and that he is out of your life.

Deep down he may be a good person but his behavior and choices made him a poor candidate for a partner in life. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t want to admit he has a problem. But you already know that 🤪

EvenKeel posted 1/29/2021 07:58 AM

I am ten years out and a lot was better when it ended....but I DEFINITELY remember the sleep. It was like a weight had been lifted off me once I made the decision to end all that BS. I had no problems sleeping.

I am glad you are on the road to a happier/healthier you!!!

EllieKMAS posted 1/29/2021 08:40 AM

I've said that so many times - that I forgot that life could be peaceful and didn't have to be a daily struggle. I definitely didn't 'see' the struggle when I was in it, but getting clear of it? The difference is enormous!

Hedwig posted 1/30/2021 08:41 AM

Great post Hedwig. Glad to see things are going well for you.
And glad you can see your alcoholic XBF for what he is and that he is out of your life.

Deep down he may be a good person but his behavior and choices made him a poor candidate for a partner in life. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t want to admit he has a problem. But you already know that 🤪

You don't understand, The1stWife, I'm doing AMAZING! But seriously, considering the pandemic we're in which is affecting the way I'm doing my job and my social life because I live alone, I am doing so well. Can you imagine how well I'd be doing if conditions were different?

Yes, realizing that he may be a good person who is deeply flawed and unwilling to work on that, was honestly the second phase of my healing. Before that it was the toxic idolizing/hating him cycle.

I am ten years out and a lot was better when it ended....but I DEFINITELY remember the sleep. It was like a weight had been lifted off me once I made the decision to end all that BS. I had no problems sleeping.
I am glad you are on the road to a happier/healthier you!!!

EvenKneel, I felt it in my bones when you said 'a LOT was better'. I remember the morning of, before having the break-up convo...I heard Shaggy's 'It wasn't me' on the radio which is obviously a song about cheating. I used to be so triggered by that song but that morning, knowing I would end it, I felt so LIGHT. I could bop my head to the song again, the way I did when I was a kid in the 90's and the some just came out.

It's good to know 10 years out, you still remember the improvement in quality of sleep!


I've said that so many times - that I forgot that life could be peaceful and didn't have to be a daily struggle. I definitely didn't 'see' the struggle when I was in it, but getting clear of it? The difference is enormous!

It's ridiculous, isn't it? I thought I was happy at times, especially before the cheating and during the few good parts of R. We would laugh and be silly and I would feel loved. But now I realize it was 'snapshots', brief moments. I feel that much happiness everyday now. I chuckle out loud to my own thoughts or impressions I do. I spend evenings listening to music, dancing to it, drinking wine, laughing, feeling so light and bubbly. I laugh much more in general.

It's amazing. I am so grateful to myself, for getting out when I did.


[This message edited by Hedwig at 8:43 AM, January 30th (Saturday)]

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