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Wayward Side :
How to move forward with so many lies in the past?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 disgustedbyme (original poster New Member #58046) posted at 11:05 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

I am a liar. I've lied about big things like physical contact, an attempted kiss with an AP, and financially ruining our family by losing our house due to nonpayment. I've lied about little things like if I got the mail or not. For 7 years my husband has lived in hell that I created. There is zero trust even though he tries. We have better days sometimes but the hell that he lives in never subsides. He threatens divorce, he threatens to cheat and at times he just wants out of this life. I desperately want our marriage. I love him. He's an amazing father to our son and partner to me. I have told him the whole truth but he has absolutely no reason to believe me. I have destroyed him. Does anyone have any advise to help us move forward together?

posts: 48   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2017
id 8628387
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 12:22 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

1) create a very detailed timeline of your affair

2) polygraph the timeline with multiple polygraphs

3) ask your husban to write out all of his questions concerning your affair

4) write answers to all of his questions

5) polygraph all of your answers

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
id 8628402
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DaddyDom ( Member #56960) posted at 12:30 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

Two things (among many others). First, I highly suggest talking to a therapist about this. Both the infidelity and the chronic lying are possibly symptoms of trauma. It is imperative for you to discover "why" you chose to cheat, and why you lie. Often, this is a sign that self-love and self-respect are lacking, as well as healthy boundaries. The good news is, that with some work and therapy, you can learn to overcome the trauma, and to build the things that didn't exist before.

The second is a simple step to get you started, it is what I did and I found it helpful in the beginning. The idea is to make it a priority to NOT lie, and so, to start paying attention to what goes on in your heart and head on a daily basis.

The first step is to "catch" yourself lying, which can be harder than it sounds at first, but gets easier quickly.

Once you catch yourself even feeling as if you might want to lie about something, that's the moment to stop and think about what's going on. What are you feeling at the moment you wanted to lie? What do you think you were trying to accomplish by lying? What would have happened if you told the truth? How do you feel, both emotionally and physically, when you think about how the outcome would have been different if you told the truth? You said you've told your spouse the whole truth now, how did that turn out? Sure, he is angry and hurt, but what about you? Was there a sense of relief in letting the lies out? Does it feel better knowing that you don't have to carry the burden of lies anymore at least?

A lot of us learn to lie, and it is rarely a direct path. Often we lie so that others will think more of us. Or we want to avoid punishment or conflict. Sometimes we do it to manipulate others or to try and control the outcomes. Often it is all of those things.

Finally, just make a promise to yourself to NOT lie moving forward, no big ones, no small ones. Yes, I ate the last cookie. Yes, those jeans make your butt look huge. Yes, I bought AP a gift. Yes, wasn't sick, I just wanted the day off. Whatever it is, just try to be honest. You will fail at first, often. That's okay. When you do, follow the exercises above of figuring out what your motives were.

For me, over time, telling the truth started to become "the norm" and my lying began to diminish. Paying attention to my feelings, I realized that telling the truth, while sometimes hard up front, brought tremendous relief to me. I always knew where I stood, there was never any "I hope they don't ask me about that", there was nothing to hide or be found out, and best of all, by far, it started to increase my own self-respect and self-worth. I felt better about who I was, started to care less what others thought of me because I knew exactly who I was, and so on.

This is a tremendous opportunity for you. As for your husband, well, I cannot predict anything. You might be honest to a fault and it may not change his mind. BUT, at least by doing this work, you will be making yourself a safer person for him to be around, and in my opinion, there is simply no better way to give a reason to stay and try. Remain a liar, and that reason goes away.

Best of luck to you.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1156   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8628403
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 disgustedbyme (original poster New Member #58046) posted at 1:43 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

Thank you for your responses. I took a lie detector test several years ago. I failed one question. The examiner felt that I was truthful and shared that with my husband. I have written timelines as well. I was drinking heavily and my memory of that time isn't great. Because of my lying my husband doesn't know what to believe. I have been in therapy off and on for years. I lied to my husband in therapy too. It's hard to type that but it is true. In terms of trauma I was sexually abused as a child by my father. I did not disclose this to anyone and only shared it with my husband after I was caught. I have a masters in social work. Logically I understand why I lie and where it comes from. I created "safety" with lies. It has taken literal years for me to see how messed up lying is. I do not want to lie and went over a year without lying. I lied six months ago about something work related to my husband. Once confronted I came clean and have been honest since. I know that total honesty is the only way forward. I fear that all of my lies have made a future with my husband impossible. I understand that I can get better. I'm terrified that he can't.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2017
id 8628425
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JBWD ( Member #70276) posted at 3:25 AM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

I know that total honesty is the only way forward. I fear that all of my lies have made a future with my husband impossible. I understand that I can get better. I'm terrified that he can't.

I know this is going to sound callous, but his healing is his own, and while it hurts to know that his pain is primarily caused by your past actions, he has choices to make too. Yes your lies may have sealed the coffin on your marriage, but they didn’t kill you. You have survived victimization of a terrible nature, and you have similarly survived victimizing your family. The worst thing you could have done was ignore these opportunities for change and continued living as you had been.

But you didn’t. You did what is demanded of us and grew yourself. And a future alone with a self who has at least put in the work is better than with a wretched, lying self.

Make no mistake, you’re going to have to live alongside the knowledge of the pain and hurt you’ve inflicted. There is nothing to do with that but move forward and let that sensation comes when it decides to- But show it the door when it does. I know I personally can still be seduced by the power of strong emotions; they need to be reminded that they don’t control us.

Your BH may never heal. It will hurt to witness that, but you can’t control it. Nothing you can do will heal him. But you can at least take care of yourself when needed, which this frees him up to manage his healing and progress. It might be mutually beneficial. It might never pan out. Uncertainty is the only guarantee. If sharing in your progress and growth inspires him, that’s exciting and inspiring. But you’ll hear it here a lot- Your healing and recovery needs to be for you, because if it’s tied to making him feel better, the potential for disappointment is high.

One foot in front of the other, we’re here for you!

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8628443
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

I don't agree with the post above because it is very quick to judge and place responsibility for R on your BH's shoulders.

Truthfully, your BH can't begin to heal until you stop lying. Even if it's just about the mail. Trust is slow to build and easy to break. You can be truthful dozens of times and still completely wreck all trust gained with 1 little lie. That's all it takes. Think of trust as a bucket. Every truth is a small amount of water. Every lie dumps the whole bucket out and requires you to start from zero. It wouldn't be your BH's fault if he cannot heal when his healing clock repeatedly gets set back to zero and his trust is at an all time low. Almost no one could heal under those circumstances. If you can't get the lying under control, healing cannot happen and R cannot happen. D will almost certainly be the outcome.

I'm sure it's very difficult to handle your BH raging but can you blame him? He's been lied to and gaslighted for years. He doesn't even know what's real anymore. THAT kind of extreme environment even for short periods of time is psychologically damaging. It's like living in The Trueman Show. He is breaking under the pressure and cognitive dissonance. Even if you D tomorrow, he will likely need to go to therapy for an extended period of time to reverse the damage you've done. A way forward may not be possible for him unless you can radically change into someone who only tells the truth and supports a solid, honest, authentic environment.

Are you in IC? What are YOU doing to address the lying? Is he willing to go to IC? IF D IS the best outcome for him because he cannot heal and move forward with you, would you be able to come together with him and make D fair? Would you be able to love him enough to let him go if that's what's best for him?

posts: 4959   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8628603
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 disgustedbyme (original poster New Member #58046) posted at 1:48 AM on Saturday, January 30th, 2021

Thank you for your replies. I find value in both perspectives. I am and will continue to live a life of honesty. I am not currently in IC. You asked what I am doing to control the lying. I talk to my husband, I read a lot, I work on meditating. And most importantly I think. I learned at a young age to wall off my thoughts and compartmentalize. When things got hard I lied. Now I spend a lot of time with my thoughts and feelings and just sit in them, process them. You brought up divorce in your response. If my husband cannot continue to live with me I have told him that I won't fight dirty. I will be fair with money and custody. I have stolen so much from already.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2017
id 8629145
Topic is Sleeping.
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