SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still read the threads almost daily to keep me focused and my reasoning fresh. But it's been a long time since I've posted and it's definitely time to vent again.

Since I deleted my story Ill give a quick recap. 2008 she had a year or two long emotional affair. 2012 she had another emotional affair with a different dude. 2017 a new EA turned PA that lasted a year. I did the "pick me" monkey dance for a year, she ate it up and abused the shit out of my soul the whole time. At about 18 months I pulled my head out of my ass (shi##y place to be stuck for so long) and told her I was done. She immediately started the monkey dance and thought love bombing and rug sweeping would be effective at getting me back. Nnnnope! Eventually I got a lawyer and filed a divorce complaint in Jan 2020. We were supposed to start the one year separation directly after filing but COVID came and f**ked it all up. May 2020 I told my WW that we were going to make a plan and finally tell the kids. Well, that plan went to shit because the MIL had a heart attack and ended up having to rehab while living with us.

(Side note: WW and I are amicable. I've felt happy joyous and free ever since I filed. My resolve is Veeeery strong and we're stuck in the house so I see no need to ignore her and give her the total 180.)

Here we are in Jan 2021, at the one year mark, now the D stuff can really start moving forward.

On Monday I told my WW that we are telling the kids this weekend. Period. Not negotiable. Friday night she was a blubbering mess as we discussed what was going to happen and how we would tell our DD's. She alligator teared herself until 2 a.m. Saturday morning WW came running down stairs because MIL is in the hospital again with 100% blockage again.

I love my MIL but...Son-of-a-soggy-buscuit!

WW and I talked and I (Being a kind hearted human with a sense of morals and compassion) told her we can hold off until we find out more about MIL. I still laid out the ground rules and we discussed a decent dialogue that we could use to keep us focused.

The day's events aren't important...but what happened after I went to bed is f-ing ridiculous. I really shouldnt have been surprised at all. About 30 minutes after I got to bed and was reading my book, my WW came upstairs to tell me that she just notified the girls about our situation and thought it would be good if I came down to help. SHE TOLD THE F-ING KIDS WITHOUT ME!

I'm just going to drop this here for now. I'd like to hear some opinions.

3rd Strike

About 5 years ago, my wife did this to me. We were strongly on the path to divorce, and we just started getting everything rolling. Our one son is special needs, and wouldn't really understand the concept. But our other son was around 16, and my wife and I discussed SPECIFICALLY about telling him together.

The next day, literally in passing, my wife mentioned that she told our son. WTF? I kept my cool, and said that was something that should have come from both of us at the same time. She almost looked dumbstruck; like she had an 'a-ha' moment. She literally looked shocked....and sorry....and agreed that we should have done this together.

How could the conversation we had about disclosure THE DAY BEFORE just left her mind? I have no idea, but I do believe it was not done out of spite. Almost like a total lapse of judgement/memory.

Do you think your WW did this out of spite? Or some other ulterior motive?

[This message edited by jb3199 at 12:25 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

She told them some version of “your dad wants a D and I have no idea why”.

Cover her ass and skirt the truth yet again. No understanding of “ we agreed to tell them together“. Selfish. Just selfish.

I’m sorry for you.

Typical cheater behavior that’s for sure.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:44 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

So sorry that she chose to do that too you. It's amazing how they can say one thing to our faces and then the moment we aren't watching they do what they wanted anyway. Not what they agreed to.

Well what did your WW tell the kids?

She told them some version of “your dad wants a D and I have no idea why”.

Oh yeah. Any good deed you do with these types will not go unpunished.

From what I’ve seen a lot will use anything to put off making a decision. Setting themselves up for more.

Double post

[This message edited by Marz at 5:08 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

I did the "pick me" monkey dance for a year, she ate it up and abused the shit out of my soul the whole time.

And yet you put off taking action. Why not let her deal with her mother.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:07 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

She told the kids without you so she could control how it was spun. No question about it. She played full on victim no doubt. She's a piece of work but not surprising coming from a cheater.

Screw her in terms of your MIL - it's her mom. She can deal with it. My only reservation with that would be that it might be a whole lot for the kids to lose their grandma and deal with the D all at once.

JB3,

Looking "dumbstruck" is a very classic move for anyone that hates being called out on their failures. Getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar when your parents just said "no cookies". You turn around with crumbs on your face like "Oh shit you meant me?! My bad!"

If I was still doing a monkey dance I would totally force myself to believe that there was no spiteful intent. I would say it was more abject fear of her teen daughters seeing who she really is. I kept my cool in front of our daughters but I shared my extreme displeasure afterwards.

Thank you for sharing your POV.

1stWife,

She did tell them that she doesn't want a divorce and she told them about her affair. The divorce part was supposed to come from me. Parents only have one time to get this type of shit right. Not that there is a perfect way to do it but she stole that chance.

I told her it was selfish, deceptive and an all new betrayal. Her reply was "I'm sorry but you know how I get when I feel cornered." Kinda silly how cornered she felt while I was laying in bed. Yes it is typical cheater behavior. Thank you for your support!

ThrownAway,

Bingo! Just like the marriage vows! It seems to be a pattern with spouses that like to get naked with strangers. Lol!

Oldtruck,

Nobody really remembers exactly what was said. The kids just remember Affair and Divorce and kinda blanked out for a bit. When I asked my wife she did the ol' blink,blink,blink..."Hmmm what?" blink blink.

Regardless of what she said, she just f-ed up the united front that we were supposed to be at the beginning. I knew from the beginning that my oldest would be super sad and want peace on earth with good will towards man. I knew the younger one would beat the hell out of me with evil ninja eyes and blame me for her mom's failures. She didn't disappoint.

Marz,

You are correct but I don't do good deeds for her. I just stay true to who I am. Putting things off is an abso-f**king-lute art for her. Strangely enough it's going to work out in my favor.

I guess I'm sorry for taking too long to pull my head out of my own ass and figure out how to take action? I was a bit riddled with trauma at the time.

Skeeter,

My MIL has been in my life for 30 years. She didn't cheat on me, her daughter did. I hope to hell someone is willing to take care of me when my body starts trying to kill me.

3rd. I’m sorry your wife is more of a child.

She’s certainly not making this easy and is continuing to be selfish.

You and your children deserve better. I hope she gets her act together and starts putting the children’s best interests first.

3rd, if I were you, I'd bring the kids out to dinner WITHOUT STBXWW and have a real conversation with them. Inform them that this was not how you wanted this news to be told to them. Explain to them why you have come to the decision to D based on your feelings of devastation or the way you had planned to tell them before. Remind them that you love them, that they are not in any way responsible for this now or in the future, that you will make sure to keep them out of this as much as possible moving forward, and that they can ask you absolutely anything and you will answer honestly. They may say nothing but at least you will have re-established the trust that your WW helped break and let them know that you're going to be the honest and reliable parent regardless of what STBX does.

3rdstrike, what did you tell your kids after your WW dropped

the bomb on you?

Ouch, what a terrible thing by a selfish person.

Skeeter,

My MIL has been in my life for 30 years. She didn't cheat on me, her daughter did. I hope to hell someone is willing to take care of me when my body starts trying to kill me.

I was together with my exh for 16yrs and I (still to this day, 7yrs later) have a good relationship with my ex inlaws. I actually take my exMIL to do groceries every few weeks because she doesn't drive. You can still have a relationship with your stbxMIL but don't let that stop you from moving forward.

My ex was, and still is, the most selfish person I ever met. I've become the parent that the kids can ask questions of and get total honesty. They will eventually figure out who she is and when they do they will need your support.

Neko and Oldtruck,

I pretty much told the kids what Neko suggested. My WW got me out of bed almost immediately after she told them. I can assure you that I spoke my truth and was very articulate with the selfishness and cognitive dissonance of a cheating spouse. My ww was there to see it.

My 17 year old is totally on board with whatever. She just wants her parents to be cool. She's definitely a bit shell shocked that her mom had a boyfriend. My 13 year old is a little more hard headed and very skeptical about this not being all my fault. I've been sober for two years and have kept everyone in the loop about the whole recovery process. She's trying really hard to figure out a way to pin this on something I may have done while I was still drinking. My AA family still picks on me for being the most vanilla alcoholic of the whole group. LOL! She'll come around eventually. The biggest thing she's pissed about is that we have to sell the house she grew up in. The financial aspect of the process doesn't matter to her because she doesn't want to move. I totally get it. 13 year olds hate everybody and everything at some point. The power of teenage hormones could replace the need for hydroelectric plants.

[This message edited by 3rdstrike at 1:13 PM, January 25th (Monday)]