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This is dumb but...

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skeetermooch posted 1/21/2021 20:27 PM

I know I spent so much of my marriage living my life around what WXH wanted that it took some time to understand what I wanted.

Yes, this is definitely a thing for me too. I go along with a lot. Right now, I don't want to date. I truly believe I was clear pre-beer - he asked by text where I was at with dating and I stated, I thought explicitly, that I was not ready to date as I wasn't even divorced but I'd be happy to have a beer. To me - that was clear.

If the tables were turned, I would never ask to hold someone's hand, who hours early said they weren't ready to date. So, to me he ignored a stated boundary. And the way he did was a little funky - like mid-sentence, deep in a conversation about literature or something, he interjects quickly, "do you mind if I hold your hand while we talk?" Admittedly, I could have said, "No," but I was too flummoxed. I thought I was safe from advances after telling him I wasn't ready to date.

The story of my life has been being pursued aggressively by men and caving in to it because my friends were all paired up and it was either have a romantic partner or be the eternal, lonely fifth wheel. I would love to live like I was 12 again - before romance existed, when friends and hobbies were my whole world. It seems like people - mainly men - don't really have use for a woman if she's not a relative or a potential sexual partner and I kind of think that sucks. I chose my STBX because he felt like my best friend. I felt like I could've been equally happy to have him be my friend or my romantic partner. Don't get me wrong the romance was super fun but there's a quality to romantic relationships that diminishes the friendship piece- it shouldn't but somehow it always does - power struggles, resentments, expectations, not to mention betrayals.

tushnurse posted 1/22/2021 08:50 AM

GIGANTIC RED FLAG... Like HUUUUGE.

I'd tell him that you aren't ready for anything resembling a relationship, and can only be friends, but that if he feels the need to touch again, he needs to ask first. This will set a firm boundary, and when he texts you, set a timer, and wait at least an hour before responding. He will get the hint and move on.

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2021 09:10 AM

I would love to live like I was 12 again - before romance existed, when friends and hobbies were my whole world.
Sooooo.... why can't you live that way? What's stopping you?

skeetermooch posted 1/22/2021 09:45 AM

I'd tell him that you aren't ready for anything resembling a relationship, and can only be friends, but that if he feels the need to touch again, he needs to ask first. This will set a firm boundary, and when he texts you, set a timer, and wait at least an hour before responding. He will get the hint and move on.

Yeah, thanks for that. I kind of felt like it was a flag but was second guessing myself. I didn't even respond to his text from a few nights ago and he hasn't texted since.
Sooooo.... why can't you live that way? What's stopping you?

Good question. I think I get into this musical chairs mentality - like all of my friends are either partnered or actively seeking a partner and I fear being the only one left. It hurts my heart a little when my buddies pair up and disappear. I'm happy for them, but all the cool things we once did come to a screeching halt. So, I feel like a bit of a freak in this regard. Am I the only one who prefers being 12 to being a coupled up adult? I've felt like this my entire life - if more people were committed to single life, I'd never have married. I just hate the inevitable losses when my single friends get into relationships and have no time for anything else. If I can come to terms with the fact that my social circle may be in a constant state of rotating activity partners I might be okay with it though.

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2021 10:05 AM

Good question. I think I get into this musical chairs mentality - like all of my friends are either partnered or actively seeking a partner and I fear being the only one left. It hurts my heart a little when my buddies pair up and disappear. I'm happy for them, but all the cool things we once did come to a screeching halt. So, I feel like a bit of a freak in this regard. Am I the only one who prefers being 12 to being a coupled up adult? I've felt like this my entire life - if more people were committed to single life, I'd never have married. I just hate the inevitable losses when my single friends get into relationships and have no time for anything else. If I can come to terms with the fact that my social circle may be in a constant state of rotating activity partners I might be okay with it though.
I have always kept a very small circle of friends so this isn't as much of an issue for me, but I get it. But going back to basics - if all your friends jumped off the brooklyn bridge, would you?
Shame on your friends for allowing some dude to interfere with them keeping their friendships healthy too. Even when I was married, I still went and did things with my friends. Those relationships are important to me.

And no, you aren't alone. Being an adult sucks. Zero stars, do not recommend.

skeetermooch posted 1/22/2021 12:28 PM

And no, you aren't alone. Being an adult sucks. Zero stars, do not recommend.

Ha - I'm in good company then.

Yeah, I definitely try to keep up my friendships when I'm coupled, but there are only so many hours in a day, and we're all getting older so there's also only so much energy in a day too.

I also find that I got way more social invites as part of a couple than I ever did single. I think single women are a bit threatening or I don't know - but man, when I got married I had an amazing social calendar. I knew all of these people before I got married and yet I wasn't invited to dinner parties until I was Mrs. somebody. Society is so backwards.

Right now I have 4 buddies who are all single more or less. We don't hang out a ton but we have gone camping and done some outdoor dinners and hikes. I also just feel so incredibly awkward with folks since dday. So much embarrassment and such a hit to my confidence.

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2021 12:33 PM

skeeter, have I ever told you the Rashawnda story?

skeetermooch posted 1/22/2021 13:51 PM

I remember hearing about the Rashawnda story awhile back but I don't remember the particulars - do share please.

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2021 14:38 PM

This was the exchange the day I had to call my creditors to switch over my payments to my account once me and the exdouche separated.

Me: (Explains what I will be able to pay today).
R: (Obv reading notes from call earlier this month with other rep) Oh ma'am, it is in your notes here that you are going through a divorce. I am so sorry - that is such a hard time to deal with.
Me: Thank you Rashawnda, I appreciate that. It is what it is, but since I am pretty sure he fucked an 18 yo, I think I am coming out the better in this situation.
R: Ohhhhh NAW Guuuurrrrl! MM-MM, MMMMMM-MMMM.
Me: (laughing) Rashawnda, can I ask you something?
R: Yes Ma'am.
Me: Are you waving your finger around?
R: You damn straight gurl I'm wavin my damn finger! That's some bull-SHIT right there. Uh-uh.
Me: (crying laughing at this point) OMG thank you! You are pretty fabulous you know that?
R: Gurl, we all fabulous! Not our fault that the mens are too dumb to see it.

The reason I re-share it is because of this:

So much embarrassment and such a hit to my confidence.
Skeeter honey you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. That exchange with Rashawnda turned that around for me. Hopefully it does the same for you!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 2:39 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

skeetermooch posted 1/22/2021 15:02 PM

Thanks, Ellie. This is a great story. I love how infidelity brings out so much support from strangers. I've blurted it out a few times and people are always great. I highly recommend it

grubs posted 1/22/2021 23:56 PM

The neighbor's going to continue to chase until totally shutdown without ambiguity. There's no way to consider camping between m/f not a date unless they are really long term platonic friends. Many men think they are expected to chase and be persistent.

Drop the qualifiers and be blunt. Tell him you don't date coworkers or neighbors or you're not interested in dating him. Leave out the at this time or at this stage or he's going to keep pushing. After all five minutes have passed so it's not longer to his time.

skeetermooch posted 1/23/2021 08:46 AM

Many men think they are expected to chase and be persistent.

Yes, this may be what's happening. I didn't respond to his last text from a few nights ago and I haven't heard a peep since, so hoping that's a good sign that he's moved on.

If he initiates anything date like again, I'm going to be painfully honest. I no longer feel like "who knows" about the future. I'm certain I would never date him. I don't like pushy men. I think it's a red flag and when I look back he was a bit over-friendly when his wife was alive and well, once inviting me over when he was home alone under the pretense of sharing some garden seeds - I remember it felt awkward and forced and I wasn't sure what his motives were. So, he's a big no.

Lavenderrose posted 1/30/2021 14:16 PM


Some men take advantage of the expected social politeness.

It really is a shame.


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