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Sad and confused

Jambomo posted 1/14/2021 06:23 AM

I am sure some, if not all of this will make me sound quite pathetic but I am sad and missing my EXWWBF.

He cheated on me and after DD2, I moved out of the flat and back to my parents home. I had a new job in a nearby city so after 3 months at my parents I moved to the new city (the weekend lockdown started here) so now I live here alone. He went on to move in with OW in Oct last year.

Since DD2 though, he and I have still communicated everyday. Nothing romantic at all (I def do not want reconciliation with him as a partner at all and nor does he I think). I would call it a friendship though I am sure the frequency of the messages might make it inappropriate on his side with OW - back and forth over the day. I also know he is still regularly communicating with my family (we never told them why we broke up but that was my decision because whilst I love them very much, they would use the information in a way I would not be happy with).

I have struggled with this friendship we have had for a while now. He had suggested various things we can do together when lockdown ends and I realised I was not sure if I could actually spend time with him, knowing him to be with OW.

Despite enjoying our friendship and chatting to him, I simultaneously felt that it was something I "shouldn't" be doing, that it was allowing him to have his cake and eat it and that it was not really giving him any consequences for the poor way he treated me. That I was tacitly forgiving his behaviour by overlooking it enough to be friends.

So last night I told him that we should stop messaging/talking to each other. I find it hard because in lockdown, I really don't get to talk to many other people - I have not been able to go out and make new friends because of lockdown (doing a bit online but its not the same) I really only have one or two friends and neither of them are great at keeping in touch. I know I will miss talking to him and am worried I have done this because I feel "I should" rather than on a basis of what is best for me or what I want.

Sorry, I guess I just want to write it all out somewhere

GotTheShaft posted 1/14/2021 09:37 AM

Jambomo,

I understand how you feel, and you've been heard. This is not easy, and especially during the pandemic, it's even more challenging. Keep posting when you feel sad and confused, and know that we are all here for you.

Jambomo posted 1/14/2021 14:06 PM

Thanks GTS. Itís just so tough to deal with.

GotTheShaft posted 1/14/2021 14:35 PM

Believe me, I know. We are all going to get through all of this. The pandemic isn't making this easier at all. I'm on these boards now more than I have been since my divorce back in 2016. I thought I was finally settled in my romantic life, but nope. So, thank goodness we all have each other on here. My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and then valentines day shortly after that. I just think back to how different those 2 calendar dates will be this year vs. the last couple years.

This morning was rough for me. I missed my exGF a lot more this morning for some reason. I don't want her back, but I miss what I thought that I had.

EllieKMAS posted 1/14/2021 16:31 PM

Here's my take on this. You broke up with him because he is a cheater. He is now dating his next victim and making you be the OW in that relationship. He is getting off on keeping you hooked into his bullshit.

You don't owe him friendship. It will hurt initially, but you will be better off cutting this toxic dump of a human out of your life. Healing from this is hard enough to begin with, but you are keeping that wound open and bleeding by continuing to have a 'relationship' with him. Also IMHO, your family should cut him off too. That gives him a view into your life that he has zero right to at this point. What you're doing is none of his damn business anymore.

Palmetto9213 posted 1/14/2021 18:54 PM

So last night I told him that we should stop messaging/talking to each other.

Jambono, what strength you have shown by having the courage to tell him this last night!

And I agree with Ellie that he is not your "FRIEND"... he is the cheater that betrayed your trust and if you continue this communication with him the only thing to be gained is more heartache. Is that what you want?

As hard as things are socially right now....there are opportunities out there to meet new friends, to do good in your community, and to break free of this man....Some ideas might include...contact a local food bank and inquire about volunteer needs, place a post on social media asking for donations of coats/blankets/gloves/hats and then drive to an area that the homeless in your region are known to inhabit (don't go alone-ask someone you trust and perhaps ask someone who has donated to accompany you too if you feel comfortable-you might just make a new friend)-and give these items away, maybe set up a virtual book club (The Sight Of You by Holly Miller is a great book!)-I've seen a few posts on FB inviting ladies to participate and they always have lots of interest.

It can feel like it's too hard to reach out and find these things to do, or to take the initiative to set them up, but the rewards you will receive in return will amaze you! I speak from my own experience! Always being safe in this pandemic environment, is priority, of course.

All of these thoughts are just things to consider as you think through this situation....just know that you have options, and you have support from this great group of people who have been through the same thing. Hugs to you!

Jambomo posted 1/18/2021 10:34 AM

Thanks for the support, I know that you are all correct in what you say.

Usually I am very logical and listen to what my head says and that is what I am trying to do here though I do so miss the chatting - especially when the football is on (soccer for the US people amongst us ) we used to text constantly through games and have a laugh about it.

Getting there though, it gets easier each day. I just try and remember the bad times!

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