SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short: over the summer, a guy in my neighborhood and I started casually exchanging FB messages. On Christmas, he sent me a 'Merry Christmas' message and we started talking a little more regularly. On New Years Eve, he asked me if he could stop by to ring in the New Year. I was home hanging out with my kids, so I declined and asked for a raincheck. After seeking advice here, I extended the rain check three days later, by asking if he wanted to get coffee one morning before he went to work (he works nights), or on his day off. He responded back with "sure, as soon as my work schedule settles down because we have a lot of guys out due to Covid". Seemed perfectly reasonable.

The on Friday night we started texting. After a few hours, he came out with "It's been a really long time since I wanted to date someone and I would love to pursue that with you. I'm not good at saying this stuff, etc, but I really like you, etc". I told him I was flattered and that I would like to get to know him better, and that was that for the night.

The next day I texted him and tried to make small talk but the exchange only went back and forth 5 or 6 times. The day after that I again initiated texting him, and the exchange went back and forth 2 or 3 times. So now......what do I do?

For someone who said they were interested just 2 days ago, he certainly doesn't seem interested now - quite the opposite actually. Do I stop initiating contact and see if he reaches out? Do I assume that maybe he was a little tipsy when he sent the 'I'm interested' messages and now he's had a change of mind? I know he's had days off since I extended the coffee rain check (I mean, he does live in my neighborhood), so if he was interested you'd think he would have taken me up on my offer - although I'm sure he could have had something else to do and that's fine; it bothers me more that he's been so pretty much MIA for the past two days after his huge declaration.

Shouldn't it not be this complicated when we're adults? I remember this stuff from when I was a teenager - shouldn't it be more straightforward in adulthood?

Be put it out there.

Now maybe he’s fearful. Afraid of the next step. Of taking the plunge to actually having a date.

Make it simple and casual. It’s coffee. Not a lifelong commitment. A text like “coffee on Friday - it’s not a date” might be a humorous way to approach it.

Or you could wait for him to respond. And if he never does then you know it’s on him.

shouldn't it be more straightforward in adulthood?

Should...but isn't.

responded back with "sure, as soon as my work schedule settles down because we have a lot of guys out due to Covid". Seemed perfectly reasonable.

This is reasonable - but with covid, this could mean two weeks or 10 months depending on his work force.

"It's been a really long time since I wanted to date someone and I would love to pursue that with you. I'm not good at saying this stuff, etc, but I really like you, etc".

Maybe he is nervous, we all been there. I am bothered that he is brave enough to want to stop by and ring in the New Year with you but hasn't found the nerve to ask you for a real date. Even when you opened it up for just coffee.

OR maybe he is just taking is slow.

Maybe his work is really nuts with no or little time off. Don't be sad yet. He stated he is interested, you state you would like to know him better...I think it is up to him now. Or if you want to try one more time, maybe a "Hey, I am kid-free Sunday morning...you want to do brunch?" or if he works nights, maybe "Hey you want to meet for coffee/dessert before you head into work?" My cousin always did coffee or dessert dates for a first time because it was quick with little commitment.

Don't be sad....dating is hard.

I'm one of those guys. I spend much time second guessing myself and talk myself in and out of asking someone out. It can be paralyzing, particularly if the lady is someone I really like.

I'm lucky in that I've been shown incredible grace and been allowed to maintain some dignity as I bumble and stumble around.

Yes, you would think so...but it is not.

What I’m finding is that some men put what I feel is literally a HINT about going out or spending time together. Clearly he did not do this the first time so he is capable of asking you out.

I realize rejection is hard, but we are adults and should be able to express ourselves in a clear and respectful manner. Hiding behind text makes it easier..... but you have both said you are interested. You have initiated contact with him twice.

The ball is clearly in his court. And I agree, CV19 plays into so many things with a lot of us. Think about his exposure and stress level. I would want to have the talk with him regarding your exposure and your household.

I don’t feel it is game playing at all, but one person should not be doing all the work to make this date happen...I would wait for him to initiate contact. If more than a week goes by, (personally) I would reconsider completely. If someone has expressed interest in getting to know me and I feel the same then I want to talk with or see that person more than once a week. I’m not desperate but I’m not looking to “hang out” with a man for the next year.

I agree with what was said about the Covid message, whilst it is perfectly reasonable, the nature of Covid means it does also look a little like a long-term put off and he has maybe taken it as a bit of a rejection. Covid is still not going away anytime soon.

I’d text him and during the conversation, make a firm offer of a date, like 1st wife said - coffee on Friday? Something that’s a plain yes/no response. If he responds positively then great, if negatively then withdraw a bit, go out, have fun without him and see what happens.

I agree with the coffee invitation with a definite date or a few optional dates in mind. Sometimes the fear gets the better of them. If he declines all of that, then I would not reach out and let him do it instead.

I hate to say it but this sounds like a case of "he's just not that into you." He had no trouble asking to ring in the New Year or initiating in the first place or telling you he wanted to date you, but now that you're reassuring him that you return his interest by reaching out to him he's lukewarm. Men do tend to prefer to be the pursuers, so there's that as well. Something about this is just incongruent.