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Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache

Divorce/Separation :
Can separation help reconciling?

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 Rosepetal2 (original poster new member #71336) posted at 3:18 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

Can separation help reconciling if both of us want that? I finally told him I need a break and weirdly since then we’re getting on really well! Not separated yet either. It’s made me wonder if we still should . I do think it’d help in the sense we can both work on ourselves in that time and maybe have joint counselling too. The lies he told me are still in my mind just not as raw and I still have a small feeling there may be more to the story I.e was it the only time etc

Maybe I’m just happier lately now I’ve told him something that was weighing me down for months I.e wanting to separate, and maybe that’s a good sign that it can help us if we do? Like no pressure to fake moods around the kids etc.

I’m concerned if we don’t go ahead with it we’ll just plod along with not much change or but at the same time it terrifies me to think of at least 6 months of separation as such.

I can’t wait for a day I don’t need to read this website - meant in the nicest possible way of course!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019
id 8615096

Neanderthal ( member #71141) posted at 4:29 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

Rosepetal, I remember your story. We both came to SI around the same time.

How has staying together served you since finding out about his infidelity? Are you healing? Has he done the necessary work? My point is, maybe it's time for a change?

6 months is nothing BTW. If may feel like eternity during, but afterwards it'll just feel like a blip on the radar. What's 6 months towards a lifetime of happiness?

IMHO, the goal for separation should be to help yourself. Separating may allow you to choose R (if you have a worthy WS), instead of feeling you need to R. It also offers him a chance to prove he's R material.

My xW and I tried separation (about 6 months). It was good for us, but we rushed back together way too soon. I believe our outcome may have been different had we stayed separated longer. If you do choose to separate, truly take the time to reevaluate before jumping back in together. If it doesn't feel 110% right, continue the separation.

I was going to say I wish I had a more positive story to share with you. But honestly It has been a positive for me. It just didn't look like I thought it would.


posts: 439   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8615109

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

I don't think separation is a reconciliation tactic. I think separation can be very healthy for the BS in giving you time and space to really figure out what you want. Infidelity puts us at a suprise crossroads. You were just driving along and hit an unexpected stop sign and you can take one of two routes forward. Separation can be like pulling over on the side of the road to think about which path you'll take and maybe even for a moment taking a break from making that decision at all. It gives you space and breathing room. Reading through some of your posts this year, it sounds like maybe a healthy thing for you. Just breathe and worry about you for a while. It isn't a tactic for R, but at the same time I'd say you'll learn a lot about who he is during this process too.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5061   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8615110

 Rosepetal2 (original poster new member #71336) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

Thankyou both, two different perspectives but both make sense. I’m feeling positive about a separation even though it’s scary , I kinda feel it’s like it’s the only thing left to try. Even if it shows me I can be on my own then that’s a good thing too right? I think part of me thinks I can’t do it so should make the best of the situation. So this would be a test for myself too , time to grow and if it works out for both of us that’s obviously great too.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019
id 8615116

Ratpicker ( member #57986) posted at 4:59 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

If reconciling is your goal, perhaps asking in the Reconciliation forum. If any who are reconciling found a separation helped, what actions they agreed to prior, duration, did they continue MC? Etc?

Best of luck to you Rosepetal in achieving whatever is healthy for you and your relationship.

Road of life is paved with dead squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

posts: 573   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2017   ·   location: moved on from Georgia
id 8615118

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:06 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

I'm not in R, as my WH is not "R material", but having a 6-month S was very beneficial to me. Probably mostly bc that distance enabled me to better see him for who he really is and to find some sense of acceptance (I believe that may be a lifelong work in progress).

And I agree with both Neanderthal and DevDee - it's not for the M or for punishment, but to get some distance to work on yourself (and I LOVE the pulling over at the stop sign analogy).

I started to write "it did not work out for me" and then realized... it DID work out for me to the extent that being S really helped MY healing.... it just didn't work out for my M.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3828   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8615225

messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 8:12 PM on Wednesday, December 9th, 2020

I know one couple that did a long in house separation, like maybe a year. It worked because they had a completely separate area - like a guest quarters in the basement and very defined hours and boundaries. The BS liked it because it gave her space but also allowed her to observe her WH’s behavior from afar. She also wasn’t stuck with the lions share of housework and childcare like maybe BW’s are during a separation.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8615382
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