Mrplspls
To get this thread back on topic I’m sharing some thoughts about your situation.
The reason I asked about OM was to better understand the dynamics behind the affair.
Now – let’s be totally clear on one issue: No matter how, why, when or whatever a spouse cheats the fault lies totally 100% on THEM.
Get it? Even if I was the only male stranded on an island with a dozen nymphomaniac Ms. Universe candidates and there was no hope of rescue then it would not absolve me of my responsibility to remain faithful. It might give a better understanding of why I might break my vows, but never justify it or even minimize my blame. Let’s be very clear on that.
Now if you had shared that the manager was in his late 30’s, charismatic, successful and a reputation as a womanizer then we might be having an aha moment and realizing how your wife was possibly groomed or led into an affair. But even if that was the case… Still 100% accountable.
It’s like now there is a thread in the Wayward forum by a guy who basically describes his OW as a femme fatal who enticed him step-by-step. He’s getting hit pretty hard over the head to assume accountability. A charmer/player, incubus or succubus – not the real issue. It might help us better understand the why and how and maybe even the depth of the affair. But… at each and every step your wife had the possibility and ability to prevent it and/or end it.
Let’s be clear on her accountability because that accountability is one of the basic building stones for TWO factors: Your WW ability to become a better person AND the base your reconciliation can be built on.
Frankly – I don’t see any “aha” factors in your WW affair… The OM is of a comparable age. Granted at 24 then 5 years older is a lot, but still – comparable ages. He isn’t the successful top-manager, just a striving boss. Based on what you shared then it’s not as if he was doing your wife one week and then Debby in stocks the next. This was just a plain old affair. I don’t know who ended it or why it ended or if there was ever any real intention on his half to take this further. But then I don’t know if there was any clear or real intention on HER part either. Yes – I know she said she thought of leaving you… But she didn’t.
If you can then hold her accountable. I don’t expect you to like the OM, but he really has little role in any possible reconciliation. Your wife had an affair and there is no real explanation or any mitigating information that can make you think that maybe part of the reason or blame lies elsewhere.
Holding her accountable and her acknowledging her blame creates a milestone to work from. Since you want to reconcile then you try to adapt a stance of “despite your actions and without ever approving or dismissing them I want to work on our marriage”.
One basic in human behavior is justification. It’s easier to justify to yourself cheating by calling it love and all that rather than calling it what it generally is: validation and cheap thrills. It’s a lot easier to say “I thought I loved him and that he was really what I wanted” or “you were so distant” or “the sex with him was so great” than saying “Well… He made me feel important and grown up and I knew I was cheating but those ego-kibbles were like heroin”.
I have a feeling that the later statement would be closer to the truth…
In your thread on JFO I was big on a poly. The reason for that is I think that at some point you need to feel like you have the truth. A poly would be a great tool to get that base. You can also decide you have the truth. I’m fine with that too.
You probably have the truth that she had the affair and is accountable for it, irrespective of who flirted first, initiated the first kiss or whatever. You probably have a detailed-enough timeline. I think 33 years can cloud memories. You have the truth about the last contact.
I doubt you will get the truth down to minute details. I just don’t. I think truth to the level you need is the key, but due to the time since she might not be able to provide that. Plus – what does it matter now? Some of the details we need are relatively minute and/or relevant because there might still be infidelity-related mementos or enablers. Like if she had sex with him in your 1985 Ford Victoria and you guys were still driving it then that would be an issue…
Keep in mind that it’s OK for you to not need more info. It’s OK for you to realize that you can be OK with her having had an affair. That’s not the same as accepting or agreeing with her having had an affair, but much more like accepting someone that did wrong but has (hopefully) reformed.
I think marriages can never be more whole than the people in it. I can imagine a marriage where one is totally content but the other miserable. That would not be a good marriage IMHO. I also think that a marriage where one spouse was hiding such a deep and important secret prevents that person from being whole, and therefore impacts the marriage happiness. Basically – although it would be ideal, she never had cheated then since she did it’s better that it be in the open and known. I don’t think your marriage could reach it’s potential if she had been denying or hiding the affair for eternity.
I also get the feeling you might have of not having had the choice. The choice to R or D or whatever. Well… that’s true but it’s been true from the moment she decided to cross that line. It’s become more of an issue of time.
I’m guessing grown kids? Empty nest (or near empty)?
What’s holding you from leaving?
You DO have a choice. You CAN decide this in the past is a deal-breaker that you can’t deal with and remain married.
To me that’s quite important. I think a key to a successful marriage lies (amongst other places) in realizing that the ONLY thing keeping you married is the commitment of the partners. Either one of you could decide to divorce and there isn’t much the other can do about it. This fragility should keep us on our toes and make us take better care of the marriage.
Stop feeling like you don’t have options. You do, only they might not be the ones you want. In tough situations the options are sometimes based on selecting the least harmful one.
Keep in mind that she too has had options. I hate the plan A and plan B talk of many because it makes all stakeholders so shallow. There is no denying that while in infidelity your marriage was a sham, but there is no reason to think your wife was so limited in thought, looks or options to have settled for a B option for all these years. Least of all now when the kids are grown and divorce so easy.
I hope you might find something to contemplate or work with in the above text. If not – please don’t beat me!