Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Not sure how to heal

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Munky54 (original poster New Member #75960) posted at 8:38 PM on Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

I am new to this site, but this mess has been around for a while. I have told one person irl about what is going on, and she was an amazing help at first to vent and cry and just let the anger and betrayal out...but it's been it's been over a year and I don't feel any better.

I guess I should lay out all the nitty details, as hard as it is going to be, so whoever reads it can understand. It's gonna be long. Sorry.

Ive been married for 16 years. Meet and feel in love online, before that was a thing people did. As soon as I graduated high school I moved across the country to be with him. But married and had my beautiful daughter in the first year. Everything was great. We had our squabbles but we were happy. He worked and i stayed home with our daughter. We had ups and downs like every other relationship but nothing major. In my mind we had as close to a perfect marriage as possible.

3 years ago something shifted. I don't know what is was or why it happened. Everything seemed fine on the surface but in my heart I knew something was wrong. I stated feeling distant from him. I told him as much and he always just brushed it off and told me I was crazy and he loved me more every day.

I have had insecurity problems my entire life don I figured it was depression making me feel crappy for not reason like it did a million times before. So I ignored it. And kept ignoring it. Even when I probably shouldn't have. It was my mind being crazy, nothing more.

I finally decided I was ready to get a job and went in for an interview. They hired me on the spot and I was on cloud nine. I called him and told him the good news then hurried to the store to buy some new clothes so I could start work asap. I text him a few timed while I was gone, but never got a reply. I assumed he fell asleep so when I got home and found him drunk and passed out on the floor I was irritated but still in too good of a mood to let it bother me too much and woke him up, I teased him, asking why he was ignoring me and he said he lost his phone. Sadly that isnt the first time so i look for it while he moves to the bed. When I find it I opened it, wanting to continue giving him a hard time about ignoring me...but it was open on a picture. I nude woman from behind. I rolled my eyes and laughed, saying I wasn't expecting porn as soon as I picked it up. That's when he went white and tried to snatch the phone away from me.

My stomach fell. That was not like him. Luckily, or unluckily, he was too far away to actually touch me or the phone. I backed out of the photo...to a conversation between him and this woman. It wasn't porn. It was hangouts, with multiple nudes from her and a whole lot of sexting between them. I take the phone outside (he was in his underwear so I knew he wouldn't follow) and read the whole thing. It was devastating. So I go in to get my daughter and leave, throwing my ring and shoving him away when he tried to stop me.

I don't know how long I was gone. But my daughter started complaining about wanting to go home so we do. And I find him again, on the floor, sleeping. This is where his memory of the day starts.

I freak out. Furious that while my life is falling apart he is peacefully asleep. So I pour ice cold water over him and tell him his daughter is home but I'm not staying so he needs to wake up. I leave again, but he keeps calling me. I stay away all night, only coming home at 4am because I have no where else to go.

He promises it meant nothing and it was just him messing with her and he didn't mean any of the things he had said to her. I don't believe it but I stay. My daughter needs me and I can't tear her away from him. But we are done.

Over the next few weeks he is the loving sweet husband I married. He is trying everything he can to win me back. Showering me with attention and being patient and understanding. He even roped to me...finally after being married so long he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed..it didn't take long to fall into our same routine. I was hurt and guarded but I was starting to feel ok. I still loved him and knew eventually I'd forgive him.

Then it happened again. New app, new person, but same messages. I'm livid at this point. It wasn't a one time thing like he promised. This girl is from an app that he has secretly downloaded and deleated for years. I checked his phone. And discovered he had a secret email address that was connected to the app. Digging more I figured out the password....and I wish I never did. He was a member of dozens of dating sites and hookup apps. I went through every single site, looking at every one of his profiles and each woman he had...i looked at everything. "Not looking for anything serious, just want to have fun"

So many profiles but the one that hurt the worst...has a daughter but is separated.

Even now, a year later, that breaks my already shattered heart.

But, I'm freaking stupid and let him convince me he was done and we would work on us and he would get better. He'll never do it again, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He feels guilty. He starts heavily drinking. Getting drunk almost every night. I stay. Again. But I can't forgive him. I can't even pretend to. I have no emotions left. I'm completely closed off. Any time I start trying to feel all that comes out is anger. We get abusive. Me first but after getting black and blue so many times he starts hitting back. It's bad. Really bad. My breaking point came when he blamed me for everything and when I was slinging all sorts of mean and horrible things at him...he slapped me across the face. I snapped. I could feel myself punching and pushing him and could tell he was fighting back but I couldn't stop. I kept punching and slapping, pushing... Thankfully I heard my daughter coming down the stairs and that snapped me back into sanity long enough for me to grab the keys and get out of there or I know one of us would have ended up in the hospital or dead. I stayed away for the rest of the night, but went home again. Same promises. Same groveling. Same sweet words.

Since then I don't feel. I don't let myself feel. Stupid little things, sure. Getting frustrated at work or being annoyed by a customer...but those are superficial and don't count. I don't have love for him. I don't hate him. I don't feel sorry or feel excited or happy. I'm dead inside because I CAN'T let the flood gates open again.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I find out he has been using Twitter to message women. Sending nudes as well as getting them (something he always swore he never did) this time it barely stings. I'm mad, but he can't hurt me when I have no heart left to break. He deletes Twitter, promises he's done and realizes how close he came to losing me and won't risk it again....

I'm still here. Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, going about our routine but he has already lost me. I've already lost me. His wife is never coming back because she has been dead since she found out her husband was a figment of her imagination.

How can anyone heal from being dead?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2020
id 8614020
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BigNoob ( Member #75807) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

So another poster had a similar problem as you with rugsweeping.

He'll never do it again, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He feels guilty.

So I told another poster how rugsweeping was basically a slap on the wrist.

I honestly view rugsweeping as a slap on the wrist yeah he got a little slap but nothing too really wake him up and realize his wrong. Imagine your a little kid and reach out and take a cookie from the cookie jar when your parents said NO. They find out, and you only get a scolding (rugsweeping) from your parents. In my mind I think the risk of getting another cookie is worth it if all I'm getting punished with is a scolding (rugsweeping).

My breaking point came when he blamed me for everything

This is blame shifting you for the marriage failure. Marriage is 50-50 infidelity is 100% on him.

Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, going about our routine

I can say right now that you will have NO healing at all if he does not fix himself first in order to help you heal. The routine you currently have is broken and needs a WHOLE new part.

So this is a story from my life about CONSEQUENCES

I lied A LOT did terrible in school and had a lot of missing assignments. My mom first cried for me to change, hired a tutor and all this stuff. I did fix it for a little bit and then went back into old habits. Why would I do school work when I can have fun (xbox,TV,PC.) My mom finally gave me my CONSEQUENCES when she finally had enough of all my shit. Took away all my stuff TV, xbox, and PC if I continued to lie about missing assignments for school and got bad grades. That was basically a slap in the face and kind of woke me up but not all the way. I did get better grades but would lie about missing assignments, she eventually found out and took away my bed, had me sleep in my parents room on the floor for a month, broke my xbox, and put me in detention after school cleaning/doing homework. The worst was when she sat in class to watch me (wanted to die from shame). Honestly woke me TF up and got my shit together. That took place 6th-7th grade I currently have my bachelors and I am working on my masters.

From the above story the main thing to take away is

If I had not learned what I would be losing (TV,xbox, and PC) I would have not made a single change at all.

What consequences has your husband had.

1. STD check?

2. Does his family know what is going on? (Sometimes a little shame can help to kick his ass out of the sand)

3. Have you done a in house separation? (You keep the marital bed)

4. Have you done the 180?

5. Do you have access to his electronic devices?

6.If he is speniding money on these apps you need control of the finances.

7. Polygraph test to learn if it has gone physical?

8. Individual counseling for him as well as yourself?

..he slapped me across the face. I snapped. I could feel myself punching and pushing him and could tell he was fighting back but I couldn't stop. I kept punching and slapping, pushing

Please have a VAR with you at all times if he is hitting you, a hidden camera would also help.

How can anyone heal from being dead?

A lot of self care and love. Do not wait on WH if he has not changed then you need to change for yourself. Please consider getting a IC, find a hobby, get in touch with old friends.

[This message edited by BigNoob at 4:04 PM, December 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8614026
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Notmine ( Member #57221) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

I know you are in pain. I know it is hard, but this is not safe for you or your daughter. If the relationship is abusive, it is time to separate...hard as it is.

It is obvious that this man does not intend to change. He love bombs you until you cave and then he goes right back to doing what he wants to do. It also sounds like he has a drinking problem. This is no way to live. Your daughter needs to see you stand up for yourself and choose health, safety and self-respect instead of misery and chaos. She needs that life lesson so that she can go out and be a woman who knows her own worth. I know this might be hard to see when you are in the midst of it, but it is dangerous for you and for your child to stay with this POS.

Serial cheaters are very rarely able to change, even if they want to, and your husband is not showing any signs that he is willing to do any of the hard, HARD work it will take for him to change.

*Please do not have sex with him. It is very likely that he is having unprotected sex (most cheaters do). Please go to the doctor and get tested for STDs.

*Please see a lawyer and learn what divorce will look like for you. Knowledge is power.

*Please STOP believing what he says. He is a proven liar. His ACTIONS will tell you what you need to know about this intentions. Right now, his actions are telling you he is not worthy of your marriage OR you. He is showing you who he has become or who he has always been. Believe him.

*Please take 1/2 of the money in any account and put it in your name. Get credit cards in your name only as well. He may be ruining you financially with his obsession.

*Please know that his decision to cheat is not your fault. Period. HE chose to be unfaithful and explode your life. Infidelity is 100% on him.

You deserve far, FAR better than this abuse and disrespect. Please leave as soon as you can. You are not safe. If he is going change for the better, he will do it whether you are there or not, but you will not be a hostage to his destructive behavior.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 684   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8614037
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

You can heal by getting away from this monstrous excuse for a human being. Right now. This is abuse. Get out.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8614055
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:35 AM on Saturday, December 5th, 2020

I am sorry for you b/c the pain and heart break of infidelity is just too much.

The best thing you can do right now is get yourself some professional counseling. Someone to support you.

Do not do marriage counseling at this time as your H is still cheating and marriage counseling would be a waste of time and money. Your H needs counseling on his own but most likely will refuse. He doesn’t see his behavior as a problem he is willing to change or face.

Second best thing is read up on the 180. Google it or look it up in the Healing Library here at SI (upper left). Stop providing meals for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing errands for him. Make him sleep on the couch or basement or floor. He can chose to disrespect you but he cannot expect there won’t be consequences. No hugs or kisses. No mind living words. No emotional support whatsoever.

Next you need an exit strategy or plan b. Just in case. I had one immediately after dday1. Six months later at dday2 I needed to execute it. You have a daughter so you should have a plan in place. If he decides not to stop cheating- you need an exit strategy and good Divorce lawyer.

I’m sorry for your pain. You will survive this. We all do.

Continue to post here so we can support you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8614461
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Devasated ( New Member #75718) posted at 2:29 PM on Saturday, December 5th, 2020

I can only give the advise of going NC. It helps immensely and helps to move forward.

With a child and sharing a house makes this difficult. Is there anyway he can stay somewhere else? Can you go somewhere else?

All the advise above is on point. I was NC with my WH until (coincidentally) we both came down with Covid, he ended up staying here for a few days (no intimacy), that ruined everything and I am starting over at square 1 with NC.

I just remember for the short amount of time that I was NC I felt a whole hell of a lot better. Everyone who is on this site will give you the best advise and will help in anyway you need. I am sorry you are going through this.

The whole physical aspect of his abuse is a non negotiable. He needs to go!! NO ONE should ever, EVER lay hands on you!

7+ years married
10+ together
No children together
Raised his 2 youngest

posts: 23   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Chicago, IL
id 8614472
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KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 4:26 PM on Saturday, December 5th, 2020

As the song goes:’

DUMP THAT CHUMP

Seriously this is toxic ❤️❤️❤️

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8614489
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shatteredworld ( New Member #75951) posted at 4:26 AM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

I read your story, I have felt dead inside as well.

The pain is horrific at times. You can't trust yourself, you can't feel. Yet I can say this to you. You deserve better. You deserve to feel. Your daughter needs you to feel. Don't give up on yourself, please. What would you say to your daughter if it were her going through this? I read this tonight on the healing library, I'm going to try to use some of these tips.

Self Care Tips:

Whatever you focus your mind on becomes real, eventually taking over your awareness. Therefore we make efforts to "change our mind": from pain over to relaxation; from guilt and blame to self-acceptance and gentleness; from fear of the future to being in the present. Accept yourself – treasure your idiosyncrasies and foibles. Remind yourself of your strengths, gifts and your proven loyalty to yourself over the years, on a daily basis.

Simplify: during more stressful and low energy times, keep life simple, attending to say 5 or so activities per day.

Keep occupied as much as possible – make a schedule with exercise in it, stay in contact with friends, make new acquaintances / friends, list things you can do. Know that to begin anything is often better than to think. So keep busy while waiting for something to happen.

Now is the only time there is. Don't spend too much time dwelling on the negatives of the past or the perceived problems in the future. Likely these perceptions re past and future are false or distorted. Come back to the present constantly.

Keep one focus, not 4 or 5. Do one activity at a time, and engage in it, enjoy it – rather than becoming anxious re everything you have to do. (Keep lists so you can let go of outstanding things).

Make sure of good sleep habits, diet, and exercise.

Forgive yourself daily and relax. If unfinished activities pile up, it is not that you are slow, lazy or stupid. You are likely expecting too much at that particular moment. Stick to 2 or 3 priorities – shelve the rest.

Make use of thought-stopping. Order negative thoughts to go away or put them aside.

Stop once per day and ask yourself "What do I need right now. What can I do for myself today to help me."

Don't be a victim. Do things for yourself to feel effective and in control. Don't give in to self-pity.

Remember what has worked for you in the past. Likely beneath all the doubts, fears, recriminations, and self-criticism that are swirling around your head, you hear a few faint and muffled words of your own good advice telling you what is good for you. This counsel may be barely audible, but listen carefully to it. You already have everything you need to be happy, including the wisdom you have developed over your life so far.

Me (BS): 57
WH: 59
Married 16 yrs, together 20
5 Adult kids/stepkids
DDay 1: 07/03/2020 (our 16th anniversary) and 3 more DDays to follow for 5 months. Lots of lies.
separated, working on me, me and we

posts: 4   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2020
id 8614582
Topic is Sleeping.
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