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She cannot ghost you forever. At some point she has to chase you down and file for divorce in your state. Make her do it. Make her pay the attorney.

Until the lockdown is lifted you really cannot do anything. So I say, get counseling and start moving on with your life. Ghost her back and make her chase you down. Stop doing the work and heal yourself.

Your approach of working on yourself is commendable. Im very sorry about whats happened to you it always hurts when a marriage ends for any reason . The good news is that It will get easier every single day .

On the bright side being left by a cheater is often a lot better luck than being in a long distance marriage to one. You deserve alot better and chances are you will find someone alot better when the timing is right .

Make sure you eat well exercise dont drink in an unhealthy way and reach out to people who care about you . Best of luck

Thanks bigger for putting words to what I wanted to achieve. I regret not being keeping my cool the morning after. I wanted to say those things and see what she said but instead I blasted her on social media. Not sure what that even accomplished except to cause more grief on myself. But I guess I did stand up for myself in a way. She had told me the day before that if I had messaged him she would be mad and exact words were "don't be petty and ruin this for me". That is easily top 3 maybe even the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I took the hit and was still ok but after the next morning I got messages from him saying they had talked and she told him "that I was just a mistake from her past" and some other hurtful things. I know she was in panic mode and was trying to keep her affair because he was giving her what she wanted. But I'm slowly realizing that she has changed from the woman I feel in love with and I know I have changed also but not that extreme. I am just still baffled that she would say those things and act like this. We have never attacked or gone after each other maliciously and always valued what we had. there was always more good then bad. So I'm just hurt, confused and lost in a lot of ways about this. I have been in plenty of relationships to know this was something different and for it to end like this currently is just a lot of weight to bear. I do appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond. Every little bit helps.

I've decided to just focus on me as much as possible. It hasn't even been two weeks but feels like years. That is horrible in itself, I feel like this is a nightmare and I will wake up next to her and we will smile and laugh like we used to. I haven't attempted messaging her for a few days. I can't keep doing that to myself, ripping my anxiety wounds open multiple times a day, refreshing for replies or thinking of something I want to share with her and I just HAVE to send it. I barely touch my phone now because she was 95% of what I even touched it for. When I'm in a better spot in my life and have more to offer I will reach out to her slowly. I have found myself romanticizing about reconciliation with her. It appeases my brain but I'm catching myself before I get to far into it. It doesn't actually help right now and Will entertain it if the time eventually comes. I also tell myself that at this current time I have 0% chance of being with her. I'm not sure if that's fair to put on myself but since we haven't talked for 9 days I sure feel like its fair. I tell myself this because even though its 0% right now, with hard work on becoming the person I want to be again and being in a better spot then maybe If we get the chance again to re-evaluate what we had I'll have a higher % chance since I focused on myself and have more to offer.

When I'm in a better spot in my life and have more to offer I will reach out to her slowly. I have found myself romanticizing about reconciliation with her. It appeases my brain but I'm catching myself before I get to far into it. It doesn't actually help right now and Will entertain it if the time eventually comes. I also tell myself that at this current time I have 0% chance of being with her. I'm not sure if that's fair to put on myself but since we haven't talked for 9 days I sure feel like its fair. I tell myself this because even though its 0% right now, with hard work on becoming the person I want to be again and being in a better spot then maybe If we get the chance again to re-evaluate what we had I'll have a higher % chance since I focused on myself and have more to offer.

Brother I know your hurt but why would you even "entertain" anything with such a cruel person who betrayed you in one of the most horrible ways, please focus on getting to a much better place but don't even "entertain" that idea or hope she will come back to you, she's gone but even if she comes back in the future, I suggest you reject her, she's already shown you her true colors and that she doesn't have your back, she left you for her AP and even asked you "not to be petty and ruin it for her", do not be anybody's "plan B", life's too short and you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar.

I know what she did was really mean. I guess im just holding onto the good because it was the best I've had. Everything was good when I am near her. This covid crap and distance was just to hard for her.

I know what she did was really mean. I guess im just holding onto the good because it was the best I've had. Everything was good when I am near her. This covid crap and distance was just to hard for her.

The best you've had so far....

In time you will see, what u thought was "the best you've had" certainly was NOT. You believe and hold onto that statement, because you have been emotionally damaged by her. In time you will see the bigger picture.

You seem to be afraid to make her mad, etc.

She’s a cheater and you’re trying to be a better man? What for?

Your marriage is in name only.

Stop the farce and let her go.

This COVID pandemic is hard on everyone.

That is not an excuse to be mean, cheat, threaten or lie to you.

I know I'm broken right now but it doesn't make things easier. I shouldn't have looked at his FB profile. Nice new shiny picture of them together while she is still married. British Columbia is a no fault province and I haven't been around for a year so I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. It would be great to make her pay for this trauma she has put me through. I still have trouble sleeping and eating and my heart is pounding all the time.

Why does it matter if British Columbia is a no fault province? You live in Florida, I presume.

Go to a lawyer and find out the implications of filing on your WW who lives in another country. Where were you married? Where did you reside as a married couple before this lengthy separation? Find out what all that means in the case of a divorce from a lawyer.

I don't know the answers to those questions. But I know how to find out. Find out about the implications if she files and serves you from a different country.

It seems to me that the person who files can have the position of strength. It's just an impression. Do what you need to do in your best interests.

You have nothing to gain and EVERYTHING to lose by ignoring the divorce situation…

I used a burning house comparison on my previous post. Even if you get out of the burning house it’s still your house. Even if it’s only a charred pile of rubble then it’s still your house and you possibly responsible for whatever damage the fire or the charred remains might cause. Same applies to marriage.

This varies state by state and country by country but theoretically if your wife uses a credit-card to buy her new White Knight a diamond ring YOU might become accountable for the debt. She defaults on her car-lease, she doesn’t pay taxes… whatever. By law the standard POV is that a married couple are financially one unit.

Your wife get’s pregnant by OM and by law you are assumed the father UNLESS you or WW counter. Now imagine she gets pregnant and Prince Charming makes a run for it… Why not get child support from you? Don’t think she might do something like that? Just like you didn’t think she would cheat…

Yes, I know there is probably a process to escape and correct these issues, but why take that risk? Why not deal with this NOW and have a clear line in the sand?

What filing does is establish a legal date of reference. It establishes a legal date you can refer to if there are complications.

Take the initiative: Get legal advice on what the most convenient path is for you to file. It does NOT have to be in BC unless it’s to YOUR advantage.

I change my prior suggestion: file for divorce. While the two of you are still married you could be liable for her debts. She could run up thousands of dollars that you would be holding the bag for.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:34 PM, November 30th (Monday)]

Great advice as always from bigger.

Some movements are purposeful and some are purposeless ( for eg restless legs) Similarly all emotions feel important and are all consuming but many of them serve no purpose and you are better off damping down on them not encouraging them

You should use all your time focusing on deliberate self care , get a lawyer and a therapist and ask yourself every day “ what can i do to make things better for me “. Diet exercise find a hobby get a pet spend time with friends and family ( virtually)

Useless wastes of your time ( we all have the urge to do them ) are exercises that put the focus back on her in any way ( is she happy why did she leave will she come back to me what is she wearing today is it her mothers birthday soon ); in your situation these are exceptionally pointless . Learn to redirect your thoughts

The simple and commonplace truth is that your relationship wasnt enough for her and she moved on . Not only was she too immature to be in a relationship she was also too immature to end it respectfully . Add to that she is a cheater which is a huge character flaw . There is no deeper meaning to it

Try to just wish her well ( inside your own mind) and move on Do not cling to the belief that she was a good partner and somehow covid messed you up. Sometimes otherwise good people can simply be too immature/ unstable / selfish / deceitful to be married to anyone .

Also if you feel you were too dependent on her emotionally this is a good time for you to learn emotional self reliance so your next relationship doesnt have that issue . (Just to be double clear this is not why she cheated , she cheated because she is a cheater )

[This message edited by siracha at 9:21 AM, November 30th (Monday)]