SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been working in IC lately on core beliefs and wanted to share something that clicked for me in a big way. My IC had been nudging me in this direction for six months or so, and sent me a link in October to a page that listed different variations of negative core beliefs. You know, she would comment- after I related some emotional response to a situation - something like, “oh, that probably relates to the negative core belief you have.” And I’d think, right, sure, I must think I’m bad deep down otherwise why act out? Duh! So I wasn’t quite connecting there...

Until I read the link. Okay, yes, we have negative core beliefs, those inner voices or triggers from our FOO, our childhoods, our trauma experiences. And please shake your head if this is obvious to you, but I thought that negative thought was just some murky pond at the bottom of my subconscious that I needed to be aware of. Except, no, that pond water had its own texture and flotsam and I needed to swim down to its core to understand it. To heal it. I didn’t realize that until I read the list she sent me. I guess something about the way the article is worded helped break things down for me differently. My IC had also used this list with her therapist, and said that she had the same lightning bolt experience, along with some of her other clients, so I wanted to share it in hopes that it could help others make that leap too.

I want to be clear: none of what I am writing here is to say that any of these beliefs excuse infidelity in general or my own cheating in particular. It is not to minimize anyone's pain. It is to help others put together pieces if they so choose. A tool, if you will, for building your coping toolkit, instead of reaching for destructive and harmful band-aids.

This realization has been incredible for my healing and the health of my marriage. It gives me the ability to consistently trace back the activations I experience and understand them, soothe myself. It's a piece of building my oxygen mask. I can sit with myself more, I can sit with my husband, my kids, their feelings. I don’t know if it will be helpful to anyone else but I will share it with the hopes that it could help someone heal those wounded places that can keep us from healthy connection.

There are different types of negative core beliefs. Mine is “I am defective.” I know a lot of this has to do with my mother being abused by my father, and in turn struggling to deal with any sort of emotional stress as a single parent when I was a child. I had experienced abuse, CSA, had a lot of problems, and she coped as best she could, which meant sometimes saying to me, “you’re just like your father” or that I was abusive, dangerous, when I was mad about doing homework or being grounded. My dad said it was my fault that he couldn’t get paid in cash because he owed child support, that it was my fault that he lost visitation rights because I finally told my mom I didn’t want to go see him after he continually abused my stepmother in front of me, etc. There’s a lot more but the seed was effectively planted. I stopped speaking up for myself, expressing my emotions, and eventually turned to whatever I could to numb. That pond flooded over and over until it blasted apart on D-Day, where I scrambled to hold all the water in my hands. Everything was fine. Just fine. Drowning. And my husband was drowning, and my family, and my life, and me. I poured more ditch water in every time I cheated, drank, hid. The trauma loop replaying, the self-fulfilling prophecy. I found my IC a week after our mutual discovery and she commented, so kindly, that I didn’t know who I was, did I?

No, I didn’t. But I am learning now, and this list has been very helpful. I can counteract those messages with positive ones and reframe. Here is the link, mod-approved (thank you, WOEz!):

Approved Link

My dad nicknamed me "defective" because he decided that I kept screwing up everything I touched. And everybody else picked up on it. I spent 18 years enmeshed in my family with that word stuck in my psyche (until I joined the army and basically left my parents' house). Then another 20 years acting up on that belief (mostly unconsciously).

That particular core belief was super obvious to me. And being obvious, it completely escaped me how much I operated out of it. Took me a long time in therapy to learn how to let go of that.

Another belief I developed over time is believing that something bad was always about to happen. That any good time is only a setup for something worse. A pattern so familiar I made sure it repeated.

That link's pretty awesome; thanks :)

Thank you, FD! I want to address more in response, short on time, will come back later. I did wonder, what were the steps you took to combat that messaging? That’s where I’m at and I think my biggest focus.

Thank you for sharing!!

Very interesting.

Without knowing about this, I can see how the list at the bottom has helped me largely eradicate the list at the top. I am not sure some of this ever goes away entirely, but once you know some of these things it's easier to stop defeating yourself. I am glad to see it in writing because I find this as helpful reinforcement.

Interestingly enough, my H has a positive core belief. And, in some ways I think that always reinforced my negative self-talk. In my mind, he always deserved more. He came from a better family. I always felt like I would not have become the person I am or have been anything without him.

After my cheating, this was only reinforced for me and probably why it took so long to climb out of my shame spirals. It only amplified he deserved more. It also caused the panic of what if he divorced me? I have shared before I felt like my life would go downhill rather than feeling like I had my own back.

At some point I climbed out of that. I found it interesting that self care was on the bottom as a positive core belief. I feel like that was part of the "faking it until I made it", getting consistent over that was my first hurdle and I can't stress how big of a difference that made in being able to get to the further reaching ones.

This will likely always be something I will have to reinforce and work on. So ingrained from my childhood on, and sadly I perpetuated so much of this in my adult life.

I am really trying not to just see his affair with some relief mixed in all of it. I know that sounds stupid. It's not at all that I feel like it lets me off the hook. But, I see now how much of a pedestal I had him on. (Yeah, it seems like such a paradox that you would cheat on someone you had on a pedestal) I don't think his affair makes mine better, but I can see some of the remainder of this negative core belief at play. Taking him off this pedastal makes me see him in a different light, and makes me understand that some of what I became I became on my own not because I married up. This is not about falsely inflating my worth, but maybe more vividly disproving some of the belief system that was faulty to begin with. I am not sure if that will make sense to another living soul, but this is what clicked for me in reviewing the materials.

Yes, hikingout, the bottom list is so spot on! I can’t explain, I was already doing those things in recovery but it was reading everything lined up like that... yes, exactly, reinforcement. It just felt good, a little sigh of relief like maybe I could do this. Probably my negative self concept at work, huh.

I “pedestalized” my H so hard. Half my life. He ate it up for sure. Yeah, that’s been some resentment to work through. I’ve had to work very hard to forgive myself for that. I thought he saw himself positively, too. Wealthy family, supposedly great upbringing, talented, responsible, sexually experienced, the list goes on. Nope, he was a human being. And his negative core belief is powerlessness.

The last part of your post made perfect sense to me. I relate very much.

[This message edited by leavingorbit at 11:40 AM, November 23rd (Monday)]

There were a few big steps. But I think, for me, the strongest motivator was projecting my behaviour through my kids. I remember my therapist had me roleplay childhood memories but with me as the parent and my son as me. Then he got me to tell him that he's defective.

The first time he did that I nearly punched him. I was so angry at the thought that anyone would call my son that word - heh, even writing that, that word is still a trigger for me - And we kinda worked through there to help me replace/create my own father figure.

I don't know that those core elements ever fully go away to be honest. But we can get better at recognizing their influence, open a dialogue and let them go.

The think that clicked for me was schema therapy. It explained why so much of my thinking was just fine but there were some areas that were just so warped and I didn't even realize it. I'm glad you found something that clicked for you! You can start noticing when it arises and use the tools you are developing to try to see things differently and make different choices. For me it's not EASY but it's easier/possible.

the strongest motivator was projecting my behaviour through my kids.

This definitely works for me too. Things my parents did/said that seem perfectly normal when I think about myself in my childhood seem absolutely awful when I imagine doing it to my children. It's one way to get perspective on relationships that seem normal because you lived through them but are in fact awful.

FD - that's helpful, thank you. I've done inner child work as well, not quite the same thing but sounds somewhat similar. That's been some really deep stuff.

Pippin - you know, I actually think of a post you wrote about schemas often. I need to dig it up. I had read about schemas a long time ago but it wasn't until I got into therapy where I actually started doing the work that I cued into their application. I am going to bring it up with my IC again. Would you mind delving into how that process worked for you? Is that T/Jing my own thread? I think it's pretty close... all sorts of unraveling techniques.

Thank you for posting this. I never knew about negative core beliefs. I can easily identify mine as "I am not good enough" and "I always get it wrong/make it worse". I have verbally said these things and the pattern is easy to see. I plan to talk to my IC about it next week, and start trying to work through them. Now that I see these thoughts for what they truly are I hope that I can counter with positives and maybe find some other ways to deal with them.

I have always been secure in my intellect, but I always felt very insecure socially. So I guess my core beliefs are that “no one wants to be my friend, I am not popular, and I am not pretty.” Sorry if those are not on the list...best I’ve got lol.

My AP had Negative Core Beliefs. Perhaps that was a part of my attraction. She needed me. Or so I thought.

She would say:

- "My Father assaulted me". "My Father physically and verbally abused me". "My H abused me". "You are so calm and steady". "I feel so protected by you". "I cannot be without you". "I cannot handle any communication droughts with you". "I Love You".

To which I would reply. "OK. I've got you". "You are safe here with me". I would follow up. "Are you OK?". "Hang in there". "I will see you soon".

She might counter. "My father is a drunk who abused my mother". "My H is cheating on me". "I am drinking a lot and taking a lot of drugs".

And I would reply. "I'm still here".

She would come back with more and more outlandish stories and claims and I would always be there as a calm presence. Her needs and cravings for sanity fed my desire to help. I wonder if this is a common pattern in an A. My W has been so strong and steady for the many decades we have been together. That combined with our empty nest attracted me to the wounded one of the herd. In the process I have just wounded myself.

My AP had Negative Core Beliefs.

Lucky,

What about your own negative core beliefs?

Hi Mrs Panda,

Pre A...I was like a walking Tony Robbins book. I felt me personal self worth was high.

Now Post A....I seek a lot of help. I'm humbled by my faults and transgressions. I'm permanently scarred and wounded.

That said, when I look at the list on the link that leavingorbit shared it actually does not speak to me. I had a strong upbringing and have succeeded in surrounding myself mostly with people of character so my wounds were few.

The term "Belief" makes it sounds to me like these are all conscious choices of one's self perception. Consciously I have positive beliefs in my value. Subconsciously I know I'm flawed and prone to shitty behavior. I'm living a lie and a life of inauthenticity but that's my choice. I talk to Jesus a lot seeking guidance and clarity.

Lucky

I had to Google Tony Robbins. Lol. Interesting character. Very tall he is.

I think some of us (WS) also have the flip side. Not damaged in the ways described. But maybe in another way. privileged? entitled? Narcissistic? Selfish? I have certainly been (and still sometimes am) some of those things.

Personally, I think those , let’s call them, “high esteem” flaws are more difficult to fix than the ones that show damage or say, poor self esteem.