Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Just finding out now

Topic is Sleeping.
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redfish ( Member #71426) posted at 10:27 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

"There are no good answers or options.

I would say you have a lot of good answers and plenty of options. Remember you are in control of only yourself, you can't control WW. I would give yourself time to sort these out and make a plan. I feel in your case a plan for D is better than a plan for R. But it's too early so have a plan for both.

Seriously carry a VAR "locked" in record mode when you are with her. Even if she stops hitting you and she is now a dry drunk she most likely is thinking only of herself.

Read back the replies you have gotten and write them out. I use a word processor that has the ability to password protect the document.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8610376
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Your Ww's world is quickly falling apart. The abuse is a sign of desperation as much as it is a result of drinking.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8610384
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:04 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Adultery is in and of itself a form of abuse. Now your WW is compounding this with yet more abuse. And addiction. That's the "3A's" that line up as marriage enders: Abuse, adultery and addiction.

You've got all three. Three strikes.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8610392
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:19 AM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

It seems like there is more than she confessed. She is minimizing her acts by saying "it was just a kiss" and all happened long long ago.

Another thing that caught my attention, that the wifes BF blurted out the cheating. Did she mean really the first 3 years, or something else recently? How long has she known her? If they are friends since that times it's possible, but if they are relatively new (after first 3 years) there can be an another thing. Of course your wife may also have told her about her past.

I read this site since 4-5 days and see that things to do other than poly test will be a waste of time and it can increase the damage.

ps: I hope I could express myself well, english is not my native language.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8610422
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Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

There is a lot to unpack here, but first and foremost the dependency and anger issues need to be addressed before either of you can move forward.

Other than that, I will only say what has been said by people here wiser than I - " if she'll cheat WITH you, she'll cheat ON you". She was juggling you and the other guy from day 1 and even when he was out of the picture there were others....

BH
DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 446   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8610532
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 3:30 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

What do your friends and family say about all this? You need support.

Look, you have an alcoholic, physically and emotionally abusive cheating wife. There really is no question about that.

Would you advise a friend to stay with such a person? She chooses to live her life this way. You are choosing this, too.

You have a child to consider. Your wife is toxic to you and your child. My dad was like this, drunk and abusive. Not fun for a kid.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8610536
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

So first thing, I feel so stupid. If I was to look at this in another perspective, I'd kick my own butt. If this story was gender reversed, or if I was the one who did what she did, I'd be in jail looking for a new place to live, begging to see my kids. But since shes a woman, yadda yadda yadda.

Her best friend that told me is the one who introduced us, I consider her and her family, extended family. I first thought she was talking about the first guy when we were only dating a few weeks. They way she phrased it bothered me "all the cheating " and who asked, your English is great. I wish I could speak a foreign language so well

I have only told a couple people. One says there are too many fish in the sea, but his phrasing was a little more R-rated. A married couple I told, since they have gone through alcoholic problems, are just empathetic. They dont want to form an opinion, I dont blame them. Dont want to take my side with the chance of reconciliation they just try to be my friends and distract me from being sad. Then there's my Dad, mind you hes been married 3 times, I have told him any details but I've said enough he knows. Just not the extent. Hes at a loss, he has become very attached and has a better relationship than his own daughter but he is in ah. He says the same as I do. She has acted so obsessive over me, has treated our relationship like she was crazy over me. That I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is so out of character it's really hard to even believe that she would do anything remotely close.

She blames everything that she was young and she mature. She said she just got to point in life that she just got it and truly only wanted me. She said the last time was the last time. But if someone told me this story I would not believe. But I want to believe so bad, then I stop and think. Even if it was true, I hate the fact when we talked about having kids in year 4 she should have told me, so pretty much up until we had kids she was this way. I would never had a kid with a person like that, I dont think I would have continued to live with her

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8610630
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 6:53 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

To edit a previous statement

I "HAVEN'T" told me Dad any details

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8610632
Topic is Sleeping.
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