Back Story: Not married, just engaged, families involved (cultural relations), her (29F), me (30M). ~ 9 years together, DD was in April 2019. Tried to reconcile in August/September of 2019 until today when things ended.
Well, its finally over. No more reconciliation even though I still want it to work.
I made this post a little over a year ago, to get your guys advice on how to make things work. I took the advice, realized maybe I was asking for too much with the visa thing. I gave her space. I told her I'll deal with the visa stuff, you just deal with what you need to do to make yourself ready to be married. We decided on a date for April, 2022 and decided that we would work on ourselves & our relationship during this time.
After this though, I won't lie, I did change, I pulled back a little bit, I felt I was too invested in it and she too little. I felt I was doing all of the work, while she was reaping the benefits of everything and still always getting her way with things. I made some petty mistakes (I stopped saying I love you because I just didnt feel it, I stopped trying initiate intimacy with her, I stopped trying to be sweet all the time) because I was tired of playing the pick-me-dance, where I was constantly just flocking my feathers to her and I just felt I kept getting degraded.
I would tell her my problems, we would have long hours and hours of discussion on the phone about things and only for her to not change the things she promised to change but instead told me that I'm making her feel like a villain, that when I try to express my pain and suffering to her she feels bad. She said oh I already apologized, I took ownership of everything, what more do you want from me? Why do you want to keep making me relive my dark past etc etc and then I stopped sharing that with her too.
Then things got really bad 3-4 months ago, when her dad invited OMs family over to their house for a family gathering and she said im gonna be honest with you, hes here and I just gave him a nod. I knew this might be a possibility but I didnt let it get to me and I was like thats okay, no worries, just enjoy your time. Though I did feel bad that her siblings kept up their relationship with OM, knowing everything that has happened between them (they are all childhood friends, but so am I lol - we lost people together, literally accident in a car that resulted in the loss of my mom and her brother), I thought that might have meant something to them.
Then a few weeks later, she sent me videos of OM hanging out with her family, then when I asked if thats OM in the video she was like "OMG I'm SO SO SORRY, I DIDNT WATCH IT BEFORE I SENT IT" but I find that a little hard to believe... but either way I was like hey thats okay no worries, and after that I just became a shell of a person, full of resentment, full of hatred and anger and I showed it in every interaction with her.
Until about 2 weeks ago when we were arguing about something so petty (the way we said good morning to each other) and I just wouldn't budge because I didnt want her to have her way and she just ended up saying I'm done and you're a mean person and im leaving. I just said okay and shut the phone. Obviously this had backlash from her family and mine, her dad spoke to mine and said that she claims I became a different person for the last 10 months, and my dad asked me if thats true and I said yes thats true, but only because ive been angry and hurtful that she hasn't made any real progress towards showing me that shes serious about our relationship other than trying to just tell me how great I am everyday, like I like the words but I would really like to see some concrete actions towards what ive been asking and been rejected for for the last 3 years (marriage). He said okay thats fine, he said if you feel in the wrong apologize to her and try to make it work.
So I called her, I said I'm sorry that I was behaving this way, I explained to her that I only did it because I thought if she saw I was pulling away maybe she'd attempt to get closer to me and shes like I know exactly why you did it and I understand I'm partly to blame for it too. So I thought okay, I guess we can continue working on our relationship but then she said "I dont want to ruin us anymore", and I was like ?? what does that mean, shes like I just think we need time apart to grow as individuals before we can work on this again, and I said okay I agree that we need to both work on things but I dont think it has to be while separate, we already are engaged, and I dont want that to end, especially because I have a fear that you're just kind of maybe trying to leave me again for someone else. Never the less, I kept my composure somehow and said okay thats fine, but I dont think I want to do that without being in a relationship so I blocked her and everything.
Then i spoke to her dad and he cried to me about how hurt he is that this relationship is ending (we've known each other our entire life, he said he cant picture a better man for her daughter than me) and I was like hey, look I'll do everything I can to make it work, I'll see if her and I can come to a good understanding, so I phoned her again, she said she was happy to hear from me and missed me, and I was like so does that mean we can be together and try to work on this together? her answer remained the same except this time shes like, can I have some time to think about it? I gave her a few days - in which we texted like how we used to when we were just kids flirting with eachothr and it felt good, and when I finally phoned her about what she wants, she said she had such a great time texting me like this and it felt so natural and genuine and shes afraid that if we put a label on our relationship, it'll ruin what we have going on, but I said, hey look, I dont want you to be someone you aren't with me, I won't put any expectations on you and you dont put any on me, we can continue to work on our relationship but just under the label that we are together, I dont feel comfortable doing this as "friends". She was very adamant that this would somehow ruin us, in which case, I've never really done this and maybe I was wrong but I felt she only didnt want the label on us because in reality, I think shes trying to pursue or has other options and doesnt want to feel like shes cheating again. I read in between the lines and decided that she should just go and do that, but I respectfully said that I love you, and that I hope things go well for you and this arrangement won't work for me and told her we'll just go back to her being blocked and she goes her way and I go mine.
This is what caught me really off guard, she said can you not block me? I asked why? she said "incase I change my mind" and that really hurt me, and really showed me that I really am just a back up / door mat to her, and nothing more than that. Just a filler until she has someone else she actually wants to be with and honestly guys it really hurts that I put so much into this, I gave it everything, even when I was feeling vengeful and resentful I didnt walk out because I just wanted her to just DO SOMETHING, JUST PLEASE SHOW ME SOMETHING, PLEASE.
Instead here I am, still feeling like I'm the one who messed things up because she has me thinking, hey this ended because you decided that in our ~ 9 year relationship, in the last 8-10 months, you lashed out on me.