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 Justsadnow (original poster New Member #75546) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

[This message edited by Justsadnow at 1:32 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2020
id 8592102
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 4:33 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

file and divorce him, that may wake WH up and pull his head

out from his ass.

return the favor to the OWH. he deserves the truth that NC has

been broken.

if your WH flip flops again he must leave that job that day.

if you want to fight to save this marriage you need to expose

your WH to his family. Also a work place exposure is a must.

Small business contact the owner direct how WH is conducting

his affair on company time.

large company write to the CEO, board of directors, human

resources dept. informing them of the work place affair and

what steps are they going to take.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8592126
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Sorry you are here. Unlike many who post, especially some of the men, you seem confident that you were not the cause of this in any way. That is good.

Your husband has shown you who he is at heart, what he is capable of. Believe it.

Glad you have legal representation and have come to your decision relatively quickly. I think you will heal,faster with this type of person out of your life as much as possible.

This is a tough ride, so make sure you get support from family and friends. Really painful.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8592127
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

So sorry you find yourself here, but you will find tons of support.

Sounds like you already have a pretty good handle on things - many BS (myself included) may need time to get to a headspace that you describe. Becoming a BS is a traumatic event, so self care is really important.

As you write that D is "inevitable", I would suggest checking out the divorce and separation section of SI for that specific situation - and possible questions/issues that may arise (esp their keep NC - post it here section, for those times we have feelings we may want to share with our WS but KNOW that doing so would not be healthy for us).

I think it's a great sign that you already know/accept that this was not your fault/problem and won't tolerate the disrespect that comes with an A and a WS who breaks NC. And on this front, as other's have suggested, if you have not told the OBS (other betrayed spouse - or the APs husband) that they broke NC, I would consider doing so (well, actually I wouldn't consider it, I'd just do it), as that is info that he is entitled to have, even if he is heading down the D path as well.

Welcome to the best club that no one wants to join.

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8592132
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

I’m sorry it happened but I am glad you see the reality of it all.

It’s very unfortunate that he had you in limbo and false reconciliation. The only lucky thing was that it did not last long before you found out.

You are strong and deserve better. There was no reason Or excuse to cheat. He just is rewriting the marriage to justify his poor choices.

But you already knew that.

I hope in the end he at least remains a good father to his children. That’s all you can hope for. He destroyed everything else.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 6:05 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

It sounds like he is still in the fog. He will soon realize all relationships require effort (they evolve naturally? Bah! What planet is he on?) You just do what you need for you. He needs to realize it's not all about him-something that should be realized when you take marriage vows or have children. Take care of yourself and know divorce is not always the end. It could be a new beginning or time of enlightenment for you or for both of you.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 6:32 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

You have an excellent perspective moving forward. Take care of you. Accept no blameshifting. Nothing you did, or didn’t do, caused him to cheat. Get out and exercise. Eat healthy.

If you have not done so, please get tested for STDs. File for D and move forward with your separation. It is very sad and I am sorry he is putting you and your children through this. You will get to a better place. Yes, you do deserve better. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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 Justsadnow (original poster New Member #75546) posted at 6:41 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Thank you for all of the kind words and advice. I did notify the OBS. He was honest with me when no one else was. I feel that I have done everything I can thus far to protect myself and my kids, I am just worried about them and know that this will be a hard road for all of us.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2020
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fooled13years ( Member #49028) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Justsadnow

Unfortunately new here

It is very unfortunate that any of us are here but it is very fortunate that this resource and the people who make it up are here.

It has been 6 months since your D day. I know that 6 months seems like a long time, verses what you could have been doing, but it is a short time frame in the overall time it takes to heal from this type of trauma.

so many similar scenarios

Every A is so similar that unless a WS were to cheat with an alien from another planet many people can figure out what happened after reading just a few sentences.

I deserve so much better

You most certainly do and don't you ever forget it!

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8592174
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Your husband is a selfish, immature, jackass who has betrayed you and your children as well.

I only hope for your sake that you can maintain your conviction that he is no longer deserving of being your husband when he comes crawling back **again** when he finds that his fantasy world has come crashing down around his ears.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Sorry you're in this situation but glad you found SI.

In NO situation do I ever condone cheating. If he was so miserable and not getting what he needed in your relationship he should have brought it to your attention to try and work on things and if that didn't work than to part ways.

Cheating at NO point should be an option.

This is what cowards do!!

I do have a question for you.

You mentioned that he said you were, "unaffectionate, would not hug or kiss or hold his hand, controlling, focused on the kids, and the relationship lacked passion".

Be honest....was this the case before the affair or is this how you were after Dday?

Before the affair would you kiss him?

Before the affair would you hold his hand?

Before the affair were you unaffectionate?

Before the affair did your relationship lack passion?

Curious as to the answers to his claims.

If they are true how long has this been going on in your relationship?

Has it always been this way in your 17 yr marriage?

Or is he just full of shit and trying to rewrite (or justify) things?

Again please know I am not judging you I am just trying to get a view of what's been going on between the two of you before he stepped outside the marriage and decided to cheat.

Also how are your kids doing with all if this?

How old are they?

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 10:27 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

Justsadnow, why did you delete your post?

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8592275
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