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MIgander posted 9/24/2020 15:40 PM

why can't i just accept my failures and cherish myself in spite of them? why can't i just love myself in spite of all my weaknesses? why am i so dependent on my husband's good opinion of me for my own mental well being? why do i have to earn every bit of affection and care i get? why am i married to someone i know i'm just going to keep disappointing and keep needing to satisfy before i can be satisfied in myself.

anyway, just a vent after a rough day.

Lucky77 posted 9/25/2020 07:22 AM

Hey there,

Sorry you're struggling.
There is comfort in feeling like you're "enough". That you're "worthy". That your presence on the planet has meaning.

We all fight our own demons. Mine, of late is alcohol. I rather like this anonymous forum since I can say that and feel free and a bit liberated.

So, you fight self-worth and the need to please others. How about here, in the presence of 70,000 of your best anonymous friends....tell us......three things.......what are your gifts and what are you inadequacies and what are you doing for self-care. Ignore for a minute that your H is peaking.....just tell us what YOU think. I bet if you look in the mirror there is a person there of worth that knows it. Anyone I've ever met from Michigan are fine stand-up people that are very worthy.

MrCleanSlate posted 9/25/2020 08:16 AM


Asking why is a very healthy thing. It shows that you are at least seeing the issues, etc.

It took me way too many years to start to explore those questions. It is hard to start looking though that mirror at ourselves.

Working on yourself doesn't happen overnight. It will take time.

BTW - learning to vent was one of the healthiest things I did. So keep on venting.

MIgander posted 9/25/2020 09:38 AM

Thanks for the support guys.

Lucky 77... three good things, three "to do" items and self care...

-I am very smart, curious about the world and the way it works and interested in many things
-I work very hard and pick my self up and keep on working
-I'm good at understanding *most* other people's weaknesses and not holding it against them and actively dislike those who put a "perfect" facade (I mean, really who are you trying to fool?? ).

"To do":
-Not taking my husbands moods so damn personally, being defensive when he just needs me to accept his criticism
-Being patient with myself for the inevitable snags and disorder that results from my ADHD/depression/mental health breakdowns
-Separating my self worth from what my husband thinks of me, figuring out what I think of me instead.

Self care:
-exercise as much as I possibly can
-hang out with my dog and enjoy her unearned affection
-hang out in the chapel and spend time w/ Jesus and accept his love for me
-eat well, sleep well, good hygiene
-gardening, cooking, visiting friends when I can
-reading to my kids each night and enjoying conversation with each of them in turn at the end of the day

Lucky77 posted 9/26/2020 15:03 PM

I like your list MIGander,

My one tip on the self care would be to go deeper. Its amazing what you can pick up from your local library for great, free resources (albeit curbside pick up probably). I like that you are spiritual. You are religious. Lately I'm spending time with Joseph Campbell. But you may find others you like, maybe they're identified as Christian, perhaps. Work on that reading stack. I like the Stoic philosophers.

I also enjoy being a Christian. I miss going to church. Zoom just isn't the same. I'm a huge fan of our Confession of Sins.....I have a lot of them. And I get to be forgiven afterwards!!

MIgander posted 9/28/2020 05:30 AM

Thanks Lucky 77.

I've read some Marcus Aurelius... pretty good stuff, especially if you're working through long term depression like I am. The stoics are good at teaching the detachment from others' opinion thing and detachment to the good times.

It's difficult for me to focus on the deeper more challenging reading I used to do (learned Italian by reading side by side translation of Dante... I'm both crazy and a nerd...). Right now all I can really handle is Joyce Meyer/ Mother Angelica kind of stuff. I listen to a lot of podcasts though while I'm working out and that helps immensely.

It's frustrating to me some days how much the emotional turmoil has stunted my capacity for deeper focus work that I used to be able to do. I know my husband had trouble to the point of getting a reprimand at work and he's been pretty much their favorite PM at his company for the past 14 years. And his company is a bit of a shark tank: he's at the point where he can smell blood in the water on new hires. He knows who's going to survive 3 years, or who will be gone in 6 months... he's usually right!

So yeah, infidelity sucks on all levels and has torched pretty much all the mental energy we've both had over the past year or so (really my mind hasn't been in a good place in almost 2 years). It takes about all our mental/emotional energy just to get through the day and take care of the kids sometimes.


All that said, yeah, I love reading the heavier stuff and want to get back to it, but am just too overwhelmed at the moment. Maybe they have stoic philosophers' books on tape?

MyAndI posted 9/28/2020 13:44 PM

How far out from DDay are you, and was your A about seeking validation? Do you have these feeling about other people in your life not giving you what you need?

MIgander posted 9/28/2020 15:22 PM


I am a year and 3 months from D-day. My A was validation seeking after a marriage where I was not validated for a long time. (What is there to validate in post partum depression and the ways I continually looked for reasons outside myself for my own unhappiness?)

My childhood was unhappy with a family too wrapped up in their pain to give me what I needed in mine. I have difficulty trusting good intentions when the outcome is painful to me.

JBWD posted 9/28/2020 16:06 PM

To add on to some good reads:

Paul Tillich’s “Courage to Be”

CS Lewis “Screwtape Letters”

I am not a Christian but especially Screwtape really captures a lot of the mechanisms of “distancing from God” and can draw some pretty powerful parallels to us humans at our worst- Which provides a positive model for reaching our best- Which mirrors our divine attributes.

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