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First date coming up

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EvenKeel posted 10/21/2020 08:38 AM

I am so glad to read you are having a great time getting to know each other.

What helped me during that stage was to make myself some clear boundaries to give us time to explore each other, etc.

Guys.... he’s just amazing... his quirks are coming out... he’s silly snd fun
See - some traits are coming out! Nothing like 'silly and fun' to counteract your concerns of boredom!

Enjoy GF!!!!

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/21/2020 12:20 PM

HUGE wrench!

Ok, I have been friends with my high school ex forever. (30+ YEARS) I was his first. I watched-via facebook- his kids grow up and have met his wife. She is lovely (and LOOKS exactly like me). To be fair, I am still in contact with my first boyfriend ever as well.... so it is not "just" him.

So I have known about her medical condition for a while and have helped him process. Now his mom (87 years old) is also failing. It seemed fair as he talked me through DD#1 with my ex for me to be there for him. He is able to share his fears, his concerns and everything. Everything above board. I refuse to be the other woman, ever!

So, she SENT him away to visit his friends, they live three states over. He showed up here where I live and I made him get on text to confirm that she knew he was in my home town with me. She laughed and pretty much said "duh" and "have fun." She KNOWINGLY sent him to me. We walked around our home town and took pictures, hung out and had pizza. It was comfortable, natural and fun. Then he told me his wife has a 15% survival rate and the chances of "years" is slim. I know what she is going through, it is a fact.

***As an add, he told me, in FRONT of my then husband and his wife three years ago, that I was his "golden ticket." I had no idea what that meant. He explained what that meant and I blushed to the roots of my hair..... that was the only inappropriate comment he has ever made! His wife laughed. Apparently they have a very open lifestyle. I thought, perhaps wrongly, that he did it just to tease me. At least that is how I took it.

So, thinking he just needed support for his wife and mom, we have still been just chatting. He knows everything about my life, just as I know everything about his. Nothing deep, nothing earth shattering. UNTIL.... I started really sharing feelings about my new beau with him. That I am going to spend the weekend with my new beau. We got into our first fight and I was VERY confused. He started pointing out that I had promised I was going to wait two years before getting seriously involved with anyone after my divorce (July 2020). He was adamant that I wait the two years, that I needed that time to heal. I pointed out that DD#1 was six years ago and I did all my grieving then. There was one day of crying after the divorce, and it was over the house.

It was a "nasty" fight for us as we really dont talk about anything too deep as an "us" but deep on life, family, everything else. I finally confronted him that I did not have to put my life on hold for a promise I made myself, THINKING I would need time to grieve my marriage. My counselor and my support group both said Im fine and I worked it out years ago. It finally came out that he also has feelings for me and thought that he'd have two years to support his wife, help her through her medical issues and have time to grieve. He said he wasnt going to say anything to me because he loves his wife (and he does) but I'm pushing up my time line and he does not want me to get into another relationship. He went hunting for me from age 18 to 25- I was in Germany and married. He married her at 26.

Ugh! Our dating time in HS was fun, we only broke up every time because his best friend would get involved. Our core values are the same, we mesh well and always have. Im comfortable with him and he'd be easy to fall back in love with.

I have not hidden my ex from my new. I talk about all the people in my life. Told him exactly what my ex said. We had had the discussion earlier that I wanted to go slow and take our time - that I did not want to rush into anything but this was a new wrinkle. He told me "I trust that you know him and that you will make the right decision about him."

OK people! thoughts? I am not going to be ghoulish and wait for his wife to die. They both are amazing men with values, morals, and a CAREER. Something my exh did not.

OHHHHH AND Karma!

just to add news, my (step) son did my oil change yesterday on my car. He got promoted and is making 16 bucks an hour in our little town as an 18 year old. We chatted and he is going to travel with me down to AZ to spend Xmas with my kids. They love him and he loves them. He shared that his dad is now working at Walmart as a stocker making 11 bucks an hour, less than he made here. (he moved a state over and hid) I had to laugh as Smoopie-poo told him "you're better than that!" Now he is there and earning less..... she either needs to pony up and accept living with him ----BUT she'd have to give up her BANKER'S income! Since she divorced H#2 to marry H#3 for his insurance and money.... I dont see it happening. She kept #2 around after marrying #3 stating to #2 that was the reason she married number #3. Now she has all three men circling her and I am sure she is going to have to make a decision soon as there is now a surrogate baby involved that #3 paid for.

Long, I know. Advise? Comments? happy reading! At this point my weekend got put off as I am being pulled to a new location at work. It happens often in Covid.

WhatsRight posted 10/21/2020 14:07 PM

Wow!

Anything new and interesting in your life???? 🤪

So, I’m not sure I believe in karma, and either way, you are done with your ex and my tendency would be to not allow either good or bad news about him to have any effect on me.

As far as your relationshipS go...if I have the situation correct in my mind, you can:

1. Continue friendship (only) with ex from high school, and be a friend while he goes through what could be the end of his wife’s life, and move forward with new beau. OR...

2. Put new beau on hold until you address if “waiting” for ex is what you want.

Both situations have a potential ickyness to them.

#1 seems like circling around, waiting for a death. And you seem obviously creeped out with what that would seem like.

#2 seems a bit unkind...because you would be basically (if not intentionally) be stringing the new beau along to see which one you want...should your high school ex wife succumb to her illness. Making him Plan B.

I feel bad for your situation. Both options have a hurtfulness factor, but you are obviously not wanting that.

And from your perspective...if you choose to wait for the ex, and it doesn’t work out...you have lost a possible good relationship with new beau.

If you choose new beau, ex may be hurt and decide not persue you if his wife passes away. And you seem to feel that, at which time it is appropriate, that you and ex could have a real chance for happiness.

What does your gut tell you?

I have a little thing in the back of my head ... wondering if the wife, in light of her possible / probable pending death, might be pushing her H (your hs ex) your way because she knows you, and feels you could make her H happy when he becomes a widow.

But right behind that thought, I’m a little uncomfortable with the fact that evidently he has been “carrying a torch” for you throughout their marriage. What do I know? But if that is true...are you comfortable with that?

It is affirming and complimentary, but does it indicate a lack of 100% commitment to his wife? And that wouldn’t be a good sign, right?

I’m just rambling here.

You definitely have yourself in an unintentional convoluted situation.

The above is the way I see the situation.

What would I do?

I would probably go with the new guy and see how it works. You have told him the situation, so he is informed. If he turns out to be “the one”...great.

I wouldn’t have a real or imagined possible future relationship with someone presently married.

If you wait for the ex, in the sad event that ex W does not survive, you might work it out with him. Or not.

I know...no real help...just rambling.

Just a really bizarre situation.

GOOD LUCK!!!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:11 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/22/2020 09:34 AM

Have to say, life is interesting!

So I've decided to keep supporting my HS boyfriend as he supported me through DD1. Be there for when he needs to vent, be sad, etc. Im also in the medical field/senior field so he comes to me to ask questions to support his mother as she transitions to her twilight years. We're three states apart so it is not like there is a chance for it to go too far. I also refuse to be the other woman. As far as "carrying a torch?" I was his first and his only for a long time. Do I think it took away from his marriage? OH no! Ive seen the two in action and also she pops in on conversations between us, fairly often actually. She is his all. Im "special" for certain but not in her league at all for his love and attention. I flat out told her once that if ever I made her uncomfortable with my friendship with him, that I would immediately unfriend him. She laughed. She is not the least bit worried about me.

As for my new beau, I figure I will go slow with him as to not make any mistakes I can't take back. I can survive heartache as "been there done that" and Im a little more, ok a LOT more, calloused. It is a very sad statement but I know I could walk away at this point. He is so naïve and sweet that I could cause a lot of damage if I'm not careful. He's talking "future" and I'm still dancing around things. I can see it but not sure if it fits me. Im thinking I trauma bonded with everyone else and he is healthy. It is something I am going to have to realize is ok!

On another note, also heard that my WXH's smoopie is actively involved again with her husband. It makes me sad for my ex. I dont want him back, but I figured the "affair" would last longer than a few months. She drug along her second husband for 6 years, maybe she will drag him along too. Too bad he had to move a state away, lose all his friends and disappoint his family all for nothing. Im not reaching out, not doing anything. Just hope he stays still long enough for his signature on the house when it sells!

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/25/2020 20:18 PM

Weekend with the new beau. We “played house,” in other words did what we’d do on a normal day without trying to impress each other. He cooked and watched sports, I did dishes and did work. We both took a nap. It was relaxed and “normal.”

What I realized is he listened to me. I had a concern and he went out of his way to address it. Calmed my nerves. It felt like a real partnership. I don’t know what that is! I think I like this new reality!

WhatsRight posted 10/27/2020 08:11 AM

I’m really happy for you!

You deserve some “happy” and “normal”!

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/30/2020 08:03 AM

Hello you wonderful peeps!!

So he’s coming here next weekend and he can tele-commute for his job that week so might stay 3 to 5 days. We talk every day and text around the clock. I asked him what he’d do if he gets done snd is bored while I’m at work. He said he’d go work on my house .... Getting it ready to sell.

He let me know that the hospital there posted jobs and maybe one would work for me. It’s a REALLY small town. I let him know that there was nothing I could do with the posted ones except clerical and it’s not using my degree. I shared that maybe it might not work if I can’t find a job there. I glance periodically as that is part of my job..., I was having a “bleh” day at work and just not feeling myself. Within ten minutes he texted me back stating there was a posting for his job in Miami Fl! I kid you not, he has a map of the US and drive times from the different locations he can be stationed to his home town and his son. I’ve seen it and it’s detailed!

THEN he shows me his budget for this year and tells me what he’s gonna make next year. He’s government so tells me where I can look up his potential earning in the future. It’s SCARY a lot!! He then showed me his budget for the last 5 years..... and this is what hit me.... he sends his ex child support, one month of CS is equal to what my ex earns a paycheck ..... but that’s not what impressed me, he picked up a job at Pizza Hut, on top of his regular career, to make sure that his son got money. He didn’t whine, complain or go hide. I’ve always worked more than one job to make sure bills were met in my house and my EX never stepped up’!!

He’s now sending me shots of houses he’s looking at in Fl. Telling me “this looks fun for us.” Already figured out the difference in cost of living, polishing up his resume, and let me know he misses me and thinks of all the things he can do on the beach with me. Also a lot of jobs in my field. And pulled up 2 different plane routes using my airline to get free flights in case I’m not ready to move. I work a second job to get flights to see my kids. We had a conversation about moving early on as his ex would not move for his career. I let him know, then, that I was not tied to my home town and not opposed to moving but wanted to move south to be by my kids.

He comes across as so laid back and “routine” but he’s a solver. I’ve never had that in a partner. The spread sheet of his budget threw me as he’s that detailed and open with me. Once he shared what he was making, without thinking about what I was saying, I told him if he wanted, I’d sign a pre-nup. I CANT believe I said that!! Subconsciously I see myself with him that I was thinking marriage. I know he is.... he talks about “us” and being together a lot. I’m twitterpatted

On a “meh” note, my EX refriended my oldest daughter (not his) and it’s not the one he was closest to, on Facebook. She’s nosy so she accepted. I don’t care and haven’t asked her for details. It’s a good place to be. He’s still hiding his relationship with the married woman and I just don’t care.

Okay peeps..,, This is moving really fast but still no red flags. Thoughts? Comments?? I’m enjoying the ride!

FaithFool posted 10/30/2020 17:20 PM

You've known this person for how many weeks?

WhoTheBleep posted 10/31/2020 06:39 AM

You had a second D-Day five months ago. Divorced less than 4 months ago.

It's great that you have met someone and are totally into him, but relocating and marriage, changing jobs... That seems like a lot of change very soon.

What's the rush? Genuine question.

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