Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

Topic is Sleeping.
default

SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 1:58 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Is the main reason you want to speed through this the "trip" you have planned at the end of the month? Because with a little work and some good acting you can come up with a plausible reason to not go or suggest that she go alone. She may take AP with her and that would be a great opportunity for the PI.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8585751
default

HarryD ( New Member #72423) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

If you want to divorce her, Divorce her. Showing the world she is a POS is not going to mean anything to the courts.

Courts don’t deal with cheating, like most divoresimg people cheating is involved.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8585783
default

thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Personally, I like the idea of exposing a betrayer for the world to see. Not for revenge, but foe accountability and to hopefully encourage the betrayer to get some help to find out why they are broken and to fix themselves. Also, I didn't want people to think we were unhappy or I was a louse. I wanted them to know my wife was a serial betrayer and as much as I tried to redeem her, it wasn't possible.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8585806
default

Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 4:05 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Have you consulted with multiple lawyers? 2 reasons for this are 1) making sure you have a shark who will give her as little as possible 2) making it somewhat difficult for her to find herself a decent lawyer as in most cases once you consult with one they cannot represent her.

BH
DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 446   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8585830
default

Mrhealed ( Member #46868) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Why dont you ask your friend to find OM wife, then let her, in an anónimos way, that her H is cheating on her with your wife.

Then, you can confront her and récord everything in a var. I bet she Will be scared and tell you everything.

Anyhow, the best way if action is always gi Nuk, no Matter if D or R. So you can also where the prove you have with the OM wife the same day if confrontations, so no time to match minimized version of the A.

"Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim." by DoneGone

posts: 960   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Madrid
id 8585845
default

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 6:11 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I want to speed it along because I can't live like this knowing what I know, and the trip is something I just cannot do. She will not go alone and she would not go with him, both are out of the question knowing her and how she is.

I don't think he is married happily from the limited knowledge I have of him, so I don't think his spouse would really care. I could start some other domino's though and shake things up. I have a meeting with a lawyer today and will ask some questions.

I want to expose her somewhat for what she is just to prove I am not at fault and to not let her spin the story in her favor in any way. I want to divorce knowing what I know. But I need evidence in my state to prove she was unfaithful to help me in the long run with settlements and alimony. It does hold weight here, although a divorce can be filed for any reason.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585892
default

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 6:14 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Have you consulted with multiple lawyers?

I have called around town trying to see lawyers and nobody has any openings anytime the rest of the month. One said they had a conflict of interest, which made me pause. At first they got her name and looked it up and said no, then called back a few hours later and said yes and canceled my appointment. I don't know what to make of that. Either she is ahead of me in this game... or I do know she contacted some lawyers helping her friend with their divorce so maybe it's from that. That's another reason I want to move fast, I want to beat her to the punch if she is in fact planning something.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585894
default

MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 6:23 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

You really showed us how a composed and resolved mind can achieve. I truly believe that if you just keep moving towards striking off the things off the list then you are going to be just fine.

Excluding the heartache for obvious reasons, I think in time, you will get out of this literally with just a little scar on the heart and a whole new and better life. You moving this fast also helps to ensure that you have a better chance of finding new and happy relationships which a lot of the BS here do not seem to realize why they are always advised to rush towards separation.

edit: what are your ages?

[This message edited by MorbidCuriosity at 12:25 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8585901
default

beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 6:30 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

One said they had a conflict of interest, which made me pause. At first they got her name and looked it up and said no, then called back a few hours later and said yes and canceled my appointment. I don't know what to make of that. Either she is ahead of me in this game... or I do know she contacted some lawyers helping her friend with their divorce so maybe it's from that. That's another reason I want to move fast, I want to beat her to the punch if she is in fact planning something.

She has talked to them. Her helping a friend would not be a conflict of interest. She has already considered or is planning to file on you. Also as to the OM and the state of his marriage understand this unless you know his wife and she tells you their marriage is bad don't believe it. Many Waywards say that to everyone they can including their AP and most of the time it is news to the OBS. If you have knowledge because of anything your WW has said or you have seen in texts between them understand that it is most likely a lie. You should find and tell the woman any way but do not assume that you know anything about the state of their marriage without talking to the woman. If it turns out she doesn't care or this is old news to her then fine. You've done the right thing and can hold your head up on that.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8585905
default

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 6:40 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

She may have talked to them then. I know it's a game they play, but I have never gotten even the slightest hint that she is unhappy. She hasn't been distant or anything like that. Although she has started exercising a lot more at home and seems more obsessed with her looks. She has always been into fashion and all, but seems more now. I guess that is an obvious sign of something else going on. We are in our early 40's. Got married right out of college.

I don't really know how to find his spouse. He is not on any social media that I can find. I do not know her name or anything. I do have his cell phone number that I could send an anonymous text to, saying I will expose him. But I don't know about all that.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585912
default

beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Alerting him that you know is not going to go well. He'll actively keep you from his wife. If you give his name and cell phone number to a PI they can find his wife in very short order.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8585913
default

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

The PI has his information and his address, has already scoped it out. GPS tracker going on car.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 4:26 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585920
default

Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

What is the purpose in "beating her to the punch"? If she files or you file, and if the state is a community property state, the court will most likely split everything down the middle anyways. So I would guess you want to include the adultery and that's why you want to file first?

I say confront her now, tell her you have evidence and that you are filing.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:59 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8585921
default

KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 8:19 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Hi, nice work with the PI. just a minor couple of questions.. Are you in the US, or another country. There's a lot of US-centric advice on here because a significant amount of responders (including me) "go with what they know".. you mention that adultery is illegal in one thread, but mention being in a state in another, so I am officially confused. I didn't think adultery was actually illegal anywhere, but I do know it factors in to the dissolution finances in some states like Maryland (shockingly) and NC.

I'm out of sync with something.. you mention a trip with her, and I just reread your comments.. I'm missing something. Did you have a trip planned together later in the month? I can see not wanting to go under the circumstances. Are you trying to get her to go so her POSOM might slip out and go with her, and thus give the PI a golden opportunity for photos?

Regarding the PI.. I know I was suggesting that, myself. Reason being she can always gaslight you about the audio files-- saying "it's not what you think it is" and if you aren't in a state (again, this is an American interpretation) where you can record without consent, the audio is only something you can use. SURE, you know you have it and it might be all you need to prove adultery to your wife, but I personally would want at least a few photos of them holding hands or something, walking into a hotel. Call me old fashioned.

Of course, that is solely predicated on the fact that you are surviving infidelity via a divorce, and your mind is made up on that. I think yours is from what you have written.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8585978
default

SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 9:09 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Get your PI friend to watch your house if he can. I know its pro bono and all....but good opportunity.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 3:10 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8586018
default

src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:54 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:12 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586056
default

src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:55 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

[This message edited by src9043 at 4:09 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586057
default

Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 11:40 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I don't think he is married happily from the limited knowledge I have of him, so I don't think his spouse would really care. I could start some other domino's though and shake things up.

You really don't know, you have "limited" information, don't assume anything, always confirm it with OBS, your PI friend could get her info in a very short time, let your PI friend do his job then confront your WW and file for D (or simply just have her served then confront her).

One said they had a conflict of interest, which made me pause. At first they got her name and looked it up and said no, then called back a few hours later and said yes and canceled my appointment. I don't know what to make of that. Either she is ahead of me in this game... or I do know she contacted some lawyers helping her friend with their divorce so maybe it's from that.

This is an indication that she was probably not just contacting lawyers for her friend but also did consult them for her own situation.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8586091
default

goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 12:19 AM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

proving adultery, I think you can subpoena OM in a court case as a witness under oath.

posts: 770   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8586107
default

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

Are you in the US, or another country

I am in the US. Adultery is not illegal but can be used in the divorce process for splitting assets and alimony. I want to confront her first before she makes the first move in leaving me. I know it doesn't really matter in the end. I am hoping to have the confrontation before our planned trip at the end of the month. I can't go on that under the circumstances.

You really don't know, you have "limited" information, don't assume anything,

You are 100% correct. The only information I have is from my spouse and it is even old information. So I don't really know anything about him or his marriage.

PI is watching our house. GPS in vehicle. I just want some pictures or video to present if needed. I know I will get gaslighted and told it isn't what it seems, I'm overreacting, all that. I just want something to eliminate any lies.

What about talking to her parents before her? I have a great relationship with them and there is mutual respect there. We are more friends than in-laws. I know they will choose her over me, being their daughter, but I owe it to them to get my story to them and explain where I am coming from. It may be tough after the confrontation to do so. It would be immediately before confronting spouse and they would, I believe, respect me to not call her before I can talk to her. Bad idea?

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586115
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210917 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy