Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

Topic is Sleeping.
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 12:25 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

...the state is a no-contest state, so I don't really need proof or evidence.

In some no-fault states, adultery CAN affect settlement, particularly in regard to spousal support. Did you check to see if adultery affects settlement in your state? Because if I'm not mistaken, you said you were going on 20 years married. Depending on who makes what and on what state you're in, that could mean lifetime alimony. I think it's worth looking into and I think if your state is one which does consider adultery, the PI is worth the time and money.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8585557
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

You can find a lot of information on-line. Google spousal support in your state and see if there is explicit information on whether adultery is a factor. Double and triple check it to satisfy your concern. Once you have sufficient information to your satisfaction about your rights and liabilities regarding a divorce in your state you may wish to proceed without waiting for a consultation with a lawyer. Two weeks is a terrible length of time to hide your feelings. When I busted my ex-wife, I made it explicitly clear to her that I deserved the truth. I waited one day and I was about to burst. She attempted trickle truth, but I wasn't interested and I ended it right there. This was her second bite of the apple.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8585566
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 12:58 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Ideally, confronting after legal consult will yield safer more productive results. Hold off if you can. You’re attorney will also guide you along regarding any need of further evidence. Separation of assets now may tip her off and complicate the legal separation of assets process that will take place. Just watch that she doesn’t spend community property on her AP or-excessively, on herself. Your attorney will guide you in these efforts as well. Cooler heads will prevail and can lead to an amicable D settlement. I would leave out all unnecessary retaliatory actions. This only serves to antagonize the situation. What you ultimately want is a clean break. Be a gentleman until the MSA is stamped. Let her guilt-if she has any, prevail. If you antagonize, then it’s war on. Don’t go there. Very unwise. At this stage, don’t show anger. Show only heartbreak until the MSA has the county stamp on it. Avoid conflict.

When she asks about your proof, never divulge your sources. It’s irrelevant. Tell her you know and it’s irrelevant how you know. Just simply advise her that you have “undeniable overwhelming and heartbreaking evidence”. Tell her you have enough knowledge about the A to identify any lies going forward. Tell her any further lies will just hurt you more and make things worse...and leave it at that. If she feels compelled to tell you more, document the additional information for possible future use-although probably entirely unnecessary if you continue with D.

Do not confront her complicit friends. Just ghost them right out of your life.

Your best revenge is going to be a life well lived after D. Moving on, living well and someday maybe, a new wholesome relationship. But first, make a clean break. The cleanest break you can pull off.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8585571
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 1:02 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Adultery does affect settlement of alimony in my state. I don't know how to truly prove adultery. The most the PI is going to do is prove they met. He said so today, that you can't really prove actual sexual relations. I don't know what proof is accepted, but I guess that's the point of talking to a lawyer. I have more income and apparently if the spouse committing adultery earns less, they typically do not award anything.

I just have to try to be patient and talk to a lawyer. I am able to act fine and all around her, but I want this done before the end of the month when we are supposed to go on a trip. I can't do that knowing what I know. Lawyer or not, I may have to confront and start down that path once it gets to a certain date.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585573
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 1:11 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Just simply advise her that you have “undeniable overwhelming and heartbreaking evidence”.

I think this is the best way. I shouldn't need to divulge anything, I may give dates I know something happened just so she knows I am not making stuff up. But she will know I am telling the truth no matter what she says, because the evidence I have is not just suspicion. She can lie, blame shift, etc. as much as she wants, but she will know herself that it's true. If/when I do confront about it, I will be recording on the VAR or my phone. I hope she will admit to it and I can capture that as further evidence.

I catch myself saying I will do/say a lot of things, like to her friends, but I will not. I am not and have never been that type of person. They have no connection with me at all, so it doesn't matter what I say to them. I do plan on meeting with her parents once it goes down, because I feel I owe them an explanation and to talk to them. They will be heartbroken and I really care about them.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585577
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 1:33 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Adultery does affect settlement of alimony in my state. I don't know how to truly prove adultery. The most the PI is going to do is prove they met. He said so today, that you can't really prove actual sexual relations. I don't know what proof is accepted, but I guess that's the point of talking to a lawyer.

If that's the case then having your PI friend gather more evidence could prove worthy, it can't hurt, you may even use the footage as a "negotiating tool" (not blackmail) and even agree to a non disclosure agreement in exchange for better terms/assets, you would need to run it by your attorney, so get the proof now in case you need it, I don't think to prove adultery a judge has to see the actual deed on video, or that it has to be proven "beyond reasonable doubt" but rather by a "preponderance of the evidence", for instance, if she goes to a restaurant and has a makeout session with POSOM in the parking lot and then they go to a motel for a couple of hours and the PI records it, I think must judges would be satisfied with that, again, give your PI friend a chance to gather more evidence, you don't have much to lose, being recorded in public (even without permission or knowledge) is typically admissible in court.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8585583
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MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 2:31 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I hope I am not late but OP you should not show your hand at all. You need to be able to file first to have an edge in the divorce. If you confront and she starts filing instead then it will be a whole other kind of shitshow you dont need.

The matter with the PI, VAR and GPS, are all good ways to get evidence except that only you know if they are helpful in court. Eg the VAR wont hold up like you said.

A lot of people telling you how to confront but not when to confront. All good advices but on this forum, there tends to be an overwhelming amount of advice that may confuse you. It is best you LIST out what you plan to execute and post it here. Others will then be more specific in how to help. We are here to support, not convince.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8585603
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 2:35 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

So sorry you have to be in the crap club.

So, I don't think anything can be "served" at this point. Which would lend me to believe I bring it out, say I know and have evidence, and I move out.

Be careful if you move out it may be considered abandonment. Please wait until the lawyer consultation before this is done.

I kind of liked the idea of having her served in the car park with her toy boy lover, but yep as advised you don't have their affair calendar to make the appointment.

Start other things now. Exercising to get rid of some stress, STD checks, eating healthy, drinking water and book in for IC. Start putting the feelers out that a event may come up during the trip away and this looks like you may have to withdraw. She may continue and take her lover. Perfect opportunity for your PI mate. Then she can be served at the airport upon her return with him. Again seek legal advice. The lawyer will be your new mentor. As advised get a shark! A WW eating AP destroying shark.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8585606
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 2:37 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Yes, just show her enough of your cards to reveal that you do have actionable intel. She’ll drive herself crazy trying to figure out what you know and how you found out. May even turn on her complicit friends.

I too had a parting meeting with my WS’s parents. They tried talking me into forgiveness. They tried to minimize what their baby had done. Remember, blood is thicker than water. Don’t disparage or critique their child. Just state the facts. Leave out the anger and the shaming and dirty little details. Talk to them about it like you would your grown children of their Mother. Tell them she did something unforgivable, has damaged the marriage irreparably and you’re deeply heartbroken. Even this revelation may antagonize your WW and complicate the D but, if you stay silent her narrative will prevail and may work against you. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be vindictive antagonistic or arrogant. Don’t shoot your mouth off and vent wrecklessly into the community gossip mill. Show only heartbreak while you simultaneously take cool, classy decisive pragmatic action until, at least, you can make a clean break.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8585607
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:51 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Thank you for the replies. I intend to be classy and smart in this process. I am going to wait for legal advice before anything. I have done research on abandonment and I don't think it will apply if done under the right circumstances and as long as we both know why it is being done. Also, I have arranged to be out of town in the next few days and I know the PI will have an opportunity to get something. There have been meet-ups every day this week so far, it will be too good an opportunity to pass up..... hopefully.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:23 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585610
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

It is best you LIST out what you plan to execute and post it here. Others will then be more specific in how to help. We are here to support, not convince.

Here is my plan right now, in order:

1. Talk to lawyer ASAP and get guidance on next steps.

2. Have PI gather as much info as possible.

3. If needed to serve any kind of legal documents, do so.

4.After guidance from lawyer, confront with just enough information that she knows I know, not giving up everything. Say what I have to say and see what she has to say, although I don't really care.

5. Try to come to some agreement on separation (who moves out, etc.)

6. Try to move on best I can in the year of separation required before divorce is official

I am trying my hardest to be patient and smart with this. I think I can, I am just the kind to not sit on something long and address it. So it is killing me to carry on like everything is OK.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585612
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 3:02 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I have arranged to be out of town in the next few days and I know the PI will have an opportunity to get something. There have been meet-ups every day this week so far, it will be too good an opportunity to pass up..... hopefully.

Sounds like a great plan for your PI friend to get plenty of evidence, make sure you record the confrontation to avoid possible false DV charges.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8585613
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 3:10 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

A 20 year marriage is a long time, and all this is bound to hit you hard.

After the confrontation and/or getting her served, you could plan to get away for a week, like a fishing trip, or golfing, with a good friend or a sibling.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585616
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

After the confrontation and/or getting her served, you could plan to get away for a week, like a fishing trip, or golfing, with a good friend or a sibling.

I definitely intend to do this. I will get away and do something. There will be too much stress built up prior to everything going down. Even though I have suspected something for a few months, this still hits hard. But part of me almost feels relief and almost prepared for it mentally somewhat.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585622
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Ginny ( Member #43196) posted at 11:51 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I would add a couple of things to your list.

1. Make an appointment with your doctor. If your wife is sleeping with someone else, you will need to get tested for STDs, This will prepare you for moving on with life without her..

2. Find an IC that is well versed with infidelity. You are going to need someone to talk to in real life as you sort out your feelings as your marriage comes to an end,

One last piece of advice. Keep reading and posting. I am sorry you are here, but you have found some real pros to help you through. When someone posts here, you can always see at the bottom of the post WHEN they registered here and how many posts they have made, You will see who has been here a long time and seen a LOT. People like Bigger and Tushnurse give great, well thought out, advice, as do others. There is a wealth of information here.

BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8585710
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

If infidelity can factor in divorce, then definitely 100% consider the PI.

The level of proof needed should be known by a licensed PI. I would guestimate that at least half his work is divorce/infidelity related.

One of the reasons why infidelity no longer factors in divorce is the varying level of proof needed. In some countries/states the couple needed to be caught in the act and as you can imagine that can be hard. I’m guessing that enough circumstantial evidence should do the trick: meeting in a carpark, holding hands, kissing, maybe entering the same residence/room. Your PI should and would know.

Just so you know where I’m coming from:

I think infidelity is one of the biggest traumas we encounter in our lives. It’s so immense that we really need to focus to get out of it in the least damaging way possible. When confronted we tend to lash out – that’s our “natural” response. I think that very often the advice offered here on JFO is more focused on winning some PR or ethics debate and causing pain and revenge than it is on getting out of infidelity.

We sometimes claim here on SI (me too) that we can predict your WW reaction when you confront with about 80-90% accuracy. [First denial, then accusations, then damage-control…]. If the OM is married, we can also predict with about 70-80% accuracy what his reactions will be [dump your wife, focus on trying to save his marriage].

Unfortunately, I can also predict with amazing accuracy what the typical BH claiming to want divorce reaction will be: Revenge and pain-gathering.

IF you want to divorce then things like a timeline, name of OM and all that are no longer necessity, but nice-to-haves. Having them might help you in your personal recovery, but honestly you will be fine anyways 2-3 years down the line. If, however you were reconciling then ALL of the above would be necessities.

This is why I always say the advice has to be based on what you want. If you are determined to divorce, then I encourage you to read some of the threads on this site from BH determined to divorce but still trying to get to the bottom of the why’s and who’s and what’s. They are easy to find – they tend to be many pages long.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8585721
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 12:56 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I am trying to read as much as I can. I know who it is and a rough timeline, but I don't care to know any more. I don't need to. I am set on divorce, I know myself well enough to know I will never trust her at any level again and I do not want to live my life constantly wondering or being suspicious. I'm not an ugly or vindictive person. I have what I want to say to her planned out and it is not super harsh. I just want an honest answer from her, which I know likely won't happen at least right away. I want to bring to light that I know and I want to move on. I am still waiting for a call back from the lawyer for advice and will be waiting to see what the PI gets, which will hopefully be something soon.

I will set up an appointment to get tested for STDs. Ugh, never thought I would have to do that. But here we are.

Also, what is IC?

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585732
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Ginny ( Member #43196) posted at 1:26 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

IC is Counseling individually for you as opposed to Marriage counseling which is not recommended here at this point in your journey (especially since you have decided to divorce).

BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8585741
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 1:40 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I’m a bit concerned that the PI is a friend of yours. Does he have experience in infidelity cases? Does he know what you need in court?

If infidelity is a factor in D proceeding, get the best PI for the job.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585744
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 1:45 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

I’m a bit concerned that the PI is a friend of yours. Does he have experience in infidelity cases? Does he know what you need in court?

He has experience in infidelity and other cases and has a long history in law enforcement. I don't know that he knows much about court requirements, but I am waiting for a lawyer to guide on exactly what is recommended to have as evidence. The most I guess they can really do is get pictures and video of meet-ups and dates/times.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585746
Topic is Sleeping.
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