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Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 10:02 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I have seen some texts and have enough other evidence to suspect something and enough for me to know there is a relationship there that is way more than a friendship (sexual type innuendos, etc.). What do I do with this information now? I know I can't present this to her or anything. Do I confront now and try to get a confession, hire a PI to get more info, or what? I am done, no reconciliation for me.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 4:21 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585167
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:20 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

serenitynow53,

I’m sorry you found yourself here. Are you married?

Some suggestions, first things first:

1. Save your evidence someplace safe.

2. Talk to a lawyer to know what D would look like.

3. Get tested for STD and don’t have sex with her.

4. Take care of yourself. Seek support from friends and family

5. Do not blame yourself. This is important. Nothing you have done justifies this. It’s a 100% on her.

If you’re absolutely sure you want D, you have enough information and you don’t have to dig more if you don’t want to.

If you think there might be a slight chance of R in the future, or if you feel that you need more information for your peace of mind, a PI, and gathering more information is a good idea (for example is the OM married) before the confrontation.

But, You will eventually need to confront her and you can’t keep this to yourself very long. When the confrontation will happen, you will get all manners of blame shifting, minimizing, and, specially gaslighting. This is where the information you gather will help you.

Keep on posting, many people here will help you with great advice.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:24 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585168
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 11:06 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Talk to a lawyer TODAY. File and have her served. Expose her to family.

Tell her that you know and that she has until the divorce is final to prove herself worthy of reconciliation. If that's what you want.

DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES.

Very sorry you've found us.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 11:34 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Thank you for the replies and support. I have suspected for a few months but just now got the actual evidence I need.

I will absolutely be talking to a lawyer today to get my ducks in a row. There is no chance for R with me and I am fully prepared for the gaslighting. I am just trying to remain calm right now, handle things smartly, and plan it out. I will confront her eventually and I can hide what I know until then so she does not go dark with her actions. I have a close friend that is a PI, so I will talk to him. I would like to get some pictures or something I can present when I confront. Of course, it depends what the lawyer says.

Things have been better than ever lately. I know one of her friends knows and she was actually talking to her before meeting him. I will definitely be exposing her lying and cheating to everybody. But all in due time. I just need some advice and support. I don't have any friends really to talk to.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 4:22 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 11:38 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

The texts are sexual in nature and I know things have happened or will happen soon between them.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:18 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 12:24 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

If you are dead set on D, then orient your actions towards the best outcome for D (and for you).

Pictures may help you confirming what you know. Does showing her the pictures help with D? You might not even need to confront her. You could simply serve her, especially if you think you can’t stay calm during a confrontation.

If you do confront her, you might want to wear that VAR. Some WW will do false DV claim as a defense mechanism. Before the confrontation, you should cancel credit cards and take exactly 1/2 of the money in joined accounts.

Keep on posting and we’ll help you through the process.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:25 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585187
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 12:33 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I don't need pictures for myself, just the confrontation. I'm not living the rest of my life worrying and not trusting her, constantly wondering who she's talking to or seeing. I'm done. D it is and is the only option for me.

I am a very calm person and would remain calm in the confrontation. I just need to make sure of the order I need to do things. Confront, then serve... serve, then confront... I want it to be a complete surprise. I can act fine in the meantime, but I want it over and over fast. I'm done.

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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 12:42 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Getting evidence is typically best, particularly through a reputable PI who will know what the court needs to prove adultery. If you can file on grounds in your state, you might utilize your ability to file on grounds for a better settlement. Even in no fault states, proof of adultery can mitigate things like spousal support. Identifying the AP is also handy because you can sometimes threaten to depose or subpoena him, which can be another bargaining chip. So... if you have the resources, it's best to get the proof.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 12:45 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Take a look at this thread:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

Only read the posts from Spaceghost0007. The surprise confrontation could end up like that.

Or your WW could just blame you and go with her AP.

But I agree with you, don’t wait too long, it’s not good for you to stay in limbo.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:46 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585193
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 1:12 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I think you are handling things just fine. Carry around a voice activated recorder like other poster said or switch on the audio recording in your phone around her to avoid domestic violence charges. Google "The 180" or grey rocking and use them.

If you don’t want R, why confront her? If it helps with your D then go ahead otherwise just don’t. Right now she is deep in affair fog. She doesn’t care about anyone but her AP. Take this chance and make the most out of it. I’ve seen a guy gave up two houses, 100% parenting to BW for his AP.

Better yet, stay calm, don’t confront her, continue with your usual routine, get D papers drawn up and serve her at the workplace. When she asks why, show her the proof.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8585207
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:15 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

To start with there are really only two questions that need to be answered:

Are you convinced she’s having an affair?

Does infidelity factor in divorce in your state/country?

If you are convinced, well… that’s all you need. It’s not as if you have to prove to her that shes having an affair. It’s enough that YOU are convinced. This isn’t a court of law. It’s you and your marriage.

Proof only becomes an issue if an attorney tells you infidelity can realistically impact divorce. The attorney will then tell you what level of proof you need. Chances are your recordings are illegal, but if infidelity would impact alimony or division of assets then the cost of a PI could quickly pay off.

IMHO the advice offered needs to be based on what you want. You clearly state that you want to divorce, that there is no chance of reconciliation if you are convinced she’s cheating. Are you convinced?

If you are then go see an attorney, get your ducks in a row and file.

The advice on exposure and all that (and this coming from the King of Exposure) becomes less relevant if you are committed to divorce. I’m not advocating hushing up – but the focus should be on getting a fair and agreeable settlement, detaching and moving on.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 1:56 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Thank you. I am talking to lawyers today and will get papers drawn up and have her served. If I need to get proof via a PI, I will go that route. I just want to protect what is rightfully mine and not end up on the losing end, especially financially. Divorce is where this is going and there's no getting around it. I will say my peace after papers have been served and continue acting normal until then. I can play her game.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 1:36 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 2:01 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

It’s a good plan.

Keep in mind that after she is served, you can’t legally kick her out of the house. You can ask her to leave but she doesn’t have to.

Do you know who the OM is and whether he’s married?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585232
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I just want to protect what is rightfully mine

Enter this battle with reality. Depending on length of marriage, state/country, composition of assets/debts, form of pensions etc what you might think is “rightfully mine” might be only half rightfully yours. It shouldn’t come as a surprise because it was there in the fine-print when you signed the marriage certificate. I venture that most of us spend more time reading the conditions on our car-lease than we do the conditions we accept when we marry.

This is why you need to speak to an attorney and to get your ducks in a row.

So many times we get posters here that portray unrealistic expectations to either reconciling or divorce. The better you know what you are dealing with the better you can handle the battle.

[This message edited by Bigger at 8:12 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8585233
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I do not think the OM is married. I do know who he is, his name, what he does for a living. They have had contact through business over the years and I have known of him from her talking about him. She has always had some friendships and all like that and I haven't really cared, although there was a little healthy jealousy there but I never thought this until recently. What kicked it all off was conversations overheard between her and one of her friends while she thought I was in bed. Nothing specific but enough to pique my interest and make me suspicious.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8585234
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

You don't need a PI even if you do need proof.

Get a GPS put it on the vehicle she drives, if you are married it's usually considered joint ownership regardless of who is on the title, so you can do that legally. Then when she is meeting up w/ her AP, you simply have the server show up and giver her the papers.

Then she knows you know, and she can't argue it.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

The state I am in is an equal split state for assets. I just need to protect myself to try my best to keep it from forcing bankruptcy or something that would hurt me long-term. I am getting advice on good lawyers today and trying to see one as soon as possible to get papers drawn up and understand my rights and my obligations in this process. I just feel rushed because I want to beat her to the punch. I don't think she is planning anything like this for me, but you never know. I didn't think it would come to this either, so sure beats me anymore. lol.

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:20 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

You don't need a PI even if you do need proof.

Get a GPS put it on the vehicle she drives, if you are married it's usually considered joint ownership regardless of who is on the title, so you can do that legally. Then when she is meeting up w/ her AP, you simply have the server show up and giver her the papers.

Then she knows you know, and she can't argue it.

That is good advice on serving while with him. I just don't know how often they meet up and I don't want to wait. This meetup was quick in a parking lot in town, like 5 minutes or so. Our life is set up where we are with each other most of the time besides her time at work. Even through this, no late nights home, no excuses for anything about where she was. We are always together and doing things.

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id 8585239
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

GPS WW car.

hide a second VAR in the house.

it cannot hurt to get more evidence. at this point there is no

need to confront.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8585243
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

serenitynow53,

You seem to be like me, I have zero tolerance for a PA and would never be able to reconcile with my wife if she engaged in one. PERIOD.

When I found out my wife was cheating in 1997, this is a brief summary of the actions I took.

I contacted an attorney, the meanest shark with the dirtiest divorce reputation I could find and had him draw up the paperwork.

I consulted with my financial advisor, secured my finances and liquidated all my assets (save for the family home [edit: and my motor-vehicle]).

I established residency in the family home even-though I really just wanted to be anywhere but close to her.

I instructed the lawyer to file (no-fault where we live) and had her served.

The confrontation only happened after she was served and it was short sweet and brutal. I told her exactly what I thought of her.

Once the divorce process was completed (luckily no kids) I took some time to grieve and ever-since, save for the normal scars and twinges, I never looked back.

In my opinion the best thing I ever did was to put an adulteress in my rear-view and never glancing back.

Handle this like dissolving a business and do only what is best for your bottom-line in the end. Your actions may seem cold to the more romantic, but then again, so was hers.

ETA:

Exposure

I exposed her to everyone we knew after she was served, she wasn't to control the narrative and my reputation was worth more to me that a 50/50 split settlement. I didn't give her a chance to spin the narrative.

You decide how to balance the narrative and the settlement considerations.

Evidence

I gathered enough to prove to anyone who asked that she was indeed an adulteress. In my case I had no advice and would have done so prior to having her served if I had to do so again, but luckily I recorded the confrontation (good old tape-deck back then) and got an angry confession.

You decide if you want enough proof to convince others or if what you know is enough, unless you can file on the grounds of adultery. Then please rather first gather the proof.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 8:38 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

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Topic is Sleeping.
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