Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
I’m still so confused

Topic is Sleeping.
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

Hey everyone, sorry we’re all here. I don’t know if this is the right forum but I’m going to post it here and hope the mods will direct me correctly if it is not.

It has been exactly 1 year from dday, and while that doesn’t sound like a just found out situation it has become complicated. I am still married to my W who cheated on me. She had an ongoing affair with a married man from her work and I was unemployed at the time. I almost feel like I stayed with her for fear of not having anywhere else to go besides the streets. Much of my family is dead and over time I have lost all close friends that I may have been able to rely on. I’m not saying the latter is her fault but sometimes I wonder. I digress.

Things have never felt the same. We cannot talk about the affair as she breaks down crying and I spend much of the rest of the day or even week consoling her as she talks about how she never wanted it to happen. I cannot speak to anyone else about it, the idea of this even sends her into a breakdown. She quit her job and I now make a very lucrative salary while working from home. She does no housework, rarely cooks, and has recently decided it’s her mission to get me a threesome with her and another woman. I don’t understand her or anything that’s happening anymore. I built my entire life around her in every way I could, and now I have this emptiness inside of me that won’t go away.

I know it’s been a long time at this point but I’m starting to feel like I should have just been homeless and ended things at the time. The times we have been able to talk and I extract some info out of her it’s always because she felt disconnected from me and liked the attention. She destroyed two families as far as I’m concerned, as the OM confessed to his wife and lost custody of his kids before going to join the military to “hopefully die in the sandbox.” She claims he pursued but she was just as into it as he was. I still remember all the vile things I read in her messaging app when I discovered it and it makes me sick. Now she’s unemployed, spends her days shopping online, watching TV, or playing video games. She regularly breaks down and talks about her suicidal ideation but she won’t seek help. I feel like I’m stuck with her forever, as if I leave she will potentially either kill herself or definitely end up destitute. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting someone after I was destroyed myself.

Recently my self confidence has returned and it has lead to a lot of fights as I dislike many of the ways she treats me. I just don’t know what to do or what my perspective should be on this.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581443
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 11:45 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

My first impression:

She's milking the situation to get what she wants while simultaneously putting no effort into the relationship.

Kinda like she was doing before. Somehow, it's still all about her.

Time for her to put up or shut up. It's very difficult for you as you seem to have empathy, love, and sympathy for her despite the fact she doesn't seem to have any empathy, real love, sympathy, or RESPECT for you.

Honestly, do you even want her anymore?

If you do, mybe divorce papers can shake some action out of her.

If not, then at least you can hopefully disengage from what I would describe as an emotional parasite and move on.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:51 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Sorry you are here. She is making this all about her. True remorse involves empathy for your pain and suffering. Has she read: “ How To Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by McDonald. If not, she should read it. A short but very good book. She should also get into IC to deal with her brokenness. Doing nothing will just get you more of the same. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:22 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 12:55 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

The first thing I would say to you is that you are absolutely not stuck in this marriage. You can get out right now if you want and it would be as a result of her choice to have an Affair and not your choice to abandon her. You don't owe her another day if you don't want to give it to her. I really think you are going to have to put your foot down here and let her know what you need from her to stay in this marriage and if she won't give it, leave. If she threatens suicide take her to the emergency room or call her family. She may be serious so take it seriously but you're not a doctor so if she's serious you need medical help for her. If she's not then she is just emotionally blackmailing you, either way it is not something you should deal with.

I think I'd tell her to get a job right away. Get up off her ass and contribute. Stop this pity party right now. She sounds to me like she's punishing you for stopping her good time. You don't say how long you have been married or if you have kids but she sounds immature.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 6:55 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 1:15 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Tell us more. Do you have kids, own a house, how long did a last, did she confess, is om out of the picture, is she grieving for him?

Most important, what do you want and why are you still together?

A lot of the advice will turn on the answers.

posts: 1057   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8581474
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 1:16 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Your WW has a lot of work to do. Without it, you'll never feel normal. Listen, we've been thru it here. Life is short, if you feel like the marriage you have is dead, than you need to evaluate what you want.

You are not leaving her destitute, she was going to and was vulnerable to leaving you if something better came along. Think about that for a second. Now she is sorry and wants you to have a 3 some. Thats' not going to fix you, or the marriage, it will only make things worst.

As I see it, your WW is immature. Her emotions are immature. Read up and you'll see many of the WW are this way. They lack the "self" that is required to have good boundaries. They need others to fulfill them. This is not a good solid individual. If you choose to stay, she needs IC work on herself. Clearly if she is suicidal she needs lots of IC work. Additionally, what are you going to do? You going to monitor her game playing? When she meets someone new b/c you're now working a ton, she's going to wander off again?

DO you have kids? If not, think hard about staying with this women if she is not working on her shit to get better.

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8581476
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

You don’t have a marriage. I don’t know what to call it. You both are miserable and she has shut down. She sounds extremeLy depressed and trying to get some spark in her life she is floundering around with new sexual adventures.

Both of you need therapy. Not for the marriage. Separately.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:25 AM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8581489
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 2:16 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Hi everyone sorry for the late reply, I am still new to navigating this website.

We do not have kids and I am currently saving to purchase a house, maybe. We were married for only 9 months before it happened but I had known her for six years and dated/been engaged for 2. Sometimes I do still want her but it’s just so hard to care anymore. It makes me feel bad about myself for not caring, as she seemingly does feel remorse for what happened. She did not confess, I grew suspicious after she started hiding her phone from me and always being angry to see me after work. She left her messaging app open on her Pc while I was home one day and I shopped and saw it all. It had been going on for not very long, maybe 2 weeks. OM is out of the picture. I’m not sure what I want anymore, divorce means I lose the only person I’ve ever cared about and I think she knows that, but when she cries I feel nothing most of the time these days, and her smile makes me heart hurt.

Maybe I should tell her to start working again. If she made her own money I wonder if she’d leave?

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581507
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Sounds like she is rug sweeping 101. If I don’t talk about it, I don’t have to address the flaws in her self.

Please seek IC for yourself, it is selfish of her. She got to have the thrill of the A, the secret meetings, and coffee, the flirting, the first kiss, the first bang session at work etc.

A few questions for you. Are you working now?

Does her work know of the workplace affair?

Also is she still working or in contact with the other man? If so she needs to resign.

In relation to the threeway with another woman. It might be most men’s fantasy but are you comfortable with going down that road? Is your WW wanting a open marriage and is she using this to get you onboard.

She cheated for various reasons and to make you feel safe to remain in the relationship she has to address these to to move forward to remain married.

Regardless, start looking after yourself. Exercise, IC and regardless what she wants, she needs to write out a time line of her A. Then answer any question you have. If she is still doesn’t want to address then history will repeat itself.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 9:00 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8581511
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:50 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

She needs a job. Pronto. If she’s working it’s less alimony you will pay. If any at all.

Do. Not. Buy. A. House. While. You. Are. Still. Married.

Keep that money for you. No house until you know for sure what you want.

She did this very soon after marriage. Not a good sign.

She wants a threesome. I’ve not heard of that as a way to repair a marriage except for her to say YOU had sex w/ someone else too. She may decide if makes you even. Don’t do it.

You would benefit from some professional counseling. It can help you process this and figure out what you want. You may not ever truly love her again or trust her so reconciling your marriage is not a good choice. You may decide her cheating is a dealbreaker.

Or you may decide that she’s just not the person you thought she was. Is she getting professional help? Online shopping is a HUGE mistake as she’s looking to fill a void and wasting your $. You need to get that go stop immediately!

I’m sorry this happened. But I am certain she would not be the only person you loved.

I suggest you start developing a social life on your own. Volunteer or get a hobby or do something you enjoy that is just you. Not you and her. Expand your social life a bit. It will make you feel better about yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Finding a hobby sounds nice. She barely lets me leave the house without guilting me however. I can’t speak with my mother for more than a few minutes without her getting jealous, and when I leave to get groceries or for work meetings I am constantly checked up on and asked to come home. At this point I am beginning to feel like a prisoner. Maybe if I got a hobby and dealt with her having a problem with it I’d feel less like I’m all alone.

Thanks for the advice I’ve gotten so far.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 4:44 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

How old is she, and where are her family? Do they know anything about this?

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 5:04 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Nobody knows, she said she wouldn’t be able to handle people knowing. She is 24, her family lives halfway across the country.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 5:32 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

.... and has recently decided it’s her mission to get me a threesome with her and another woman.

I'll be honest with you, you guys had only been married for 9 months before she cheated, and even though it's been a year since then, this quote above tells you that she still doesn't have boundaries around sex and fidelity. She still doesn't reserve sexual intimacy for just the two of you.

Cheating is about character, and there's something broken in your WW's. There's a gap between her stated values (fidelity, honesty) and her actual deeds (cheating, lies). Somewhere inside, she's capable of saying "yes" to perfidy. Her belief in fidelity has a "but..." in it. ie. "she believes in fidelity, but... not if she needs the extra attention", or "she believes in fidelity, but... not if a threesome will get her out of trouble". This is not something you can fix. She has to fix it for herself. Typically, this will take quite a bit of painful, humbling introspection and therapy. She has to get to the point where her core values align with her actions, and that means building BOUNDARIES around the things she values.

For your purposes, it also means that when she's done, her values should align with yours. But this can't be forced. ie. A person who claims to value fidelity, demonstrably does not when we've caught them cheating. Some will engage with the concept of fidelity, find real value in it, and then build boundaries around it, but others will never truly believe in fidelity. They'll continue to give lip service to it, but never accept it as immutable.

Anyway, it kind of sounds like you are overwhelmed by her emotions and that she's just steamrolling over you. No cheater is owed a second chance though, no matter how badly they want it. That's your gift to give or withhold as you see fit. You can choose R, but understand she'll never be a safe partner if that work I described above isn't done. If you want D though, you're eventually going to have to say so. It can be a simple as letting her know that whenever the lease is up, you'll be moving on by yourself and that she needs to get a job so she's ready. See an attorney for a simple divorce, split the savings and joint bills 50/50, put a freeze on your credit in case she gets any ideas about spending, and be done. Your WW is reeling you back in with her emotional appeals, but you don't have to take responsibility for HER emotions. If you're genuinely worried about her, you contact her family and get them involved. If she threatens suicide, you call 911. But YOU don't engage with her emotionally anymore. And if she makes that too difficult, don't wait for the lease to end. Vote with your feet, even if you have to keep paying the rent until the lease is expired.

See an attorney. I think you'll feel better if you have a clear plan.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 5:37 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Nobody knows, she said she wouldn’t be able to handle people knowing. She is 24, her family lives halfway across the country.

It sounds to me like she's not handling herself with people NOT knowing either. Consider telling her that she needs to inform them. She needs more emotional support than you can give her. Right now, she's making you into her entire support system and that's too overwhelming.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 5:43 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Thank you all so much.

Will IC really help that much? Can it help me make sense of this whole situation? I wish there was a way I could know what path leads to the least amount of hurt.

I’ve never considered an R as a gift I can freely give or not. It just never occurred to me that way. I feel like this whole time I’ve been railroaded and have no control over my life outside of my work.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581573
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 5:55 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I’ve never considered an R as a gift I can freely give or not. It just never occurred to me that way. I feel like this whole time I’ve been railroaded and have no control over my life outside of my work.

Of course, it's a "gift". You were at no obligation to continue the marriage after your WW broke your vows. And you're still not.

In terms of IC, I found it to be somewhat helpful in that it provides you a real live person to talk to and someone who will help you build your strength. IC can also help you evaluate what the "least amount of hurt" might look like, but a therapist cannot decide FOR you. You don't want to be one of these guys who's back here in ten years because their WW didn't do the work and has cheated again. Or worse, one of those guys who's here 30 or 40 years after the cheating and still haven't resolved their feelings about it. It's a mistake to act from the standpoint of avoiding hurt. What you want to avoid is REGRET. Whether that means not working on R or not moving on with D is entirely up to you.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 6:22 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Hey brother

Will IC really help that much?

That is a very good question, does she want to change?

I understand your frustration, but there is allot that she isn't doing and needs to step up to the plate.

Did you seek any legal advice about to have the marriage annulled?

Accountability and responsibility, has she accepted and taken any for her A, specifically so soon after her wedding?

She needs to be working and as suggested 'get a job'.

She also sounds a bit sexually immature, lets have a threesome, as I cheated so ...

As stated most men's fantasy yet can open allot more hurt and problems.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8581585
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 6:41 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I’ll call a counselor tomorrow then and try to sort out some of my issues. Is marriage annulment something I should look into if I decide to end things? I’m not sure on the benefits of that.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 6:54 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

It could be argued that she wasn't committed to the relationship when entering the marriage.

But due to the length of your marriage, an annulment may be easier, if you feel you cannot accept her ways and attitude if she doesn't want to try to address the underlying issues.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8581591
Topic is Sleeping.
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