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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 10:03 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

I also wanted to add that I got a text from my sister in law asking if we could talk today. She said she wasn't sure if I knew that she had called my WS this morning and gave him hell (I had not heard). I told her I would love to talk and was just happy to get her text because I had been feeling so alone. She emphasized that I was absolutely not alone and they just found out and were pissed.

We will talk when she gets off work tonight but the text alone was extremely comforting.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8578964
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

Don't ever think you are powerless. You always have options. The options may not be very appealing but are there nonetheless if you decide to get out of infidelity.

I think your husband realization of losing you as a meal ticket (forgive me for giving it to you straight) and the life style that goes along with it is what woke him up from the 'fog'.

IC for both of you is a good start but I am not very optimistic that he gets it though. Just my $0.02 and good luck.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8578984
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 10:41 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020

He is now back to "I don't want to lose you" and "I don't know what the hell I was thinking/doing". I just told him that I gave him numerous chances to say that this week and he instead chose to lie.

Do NOT fall for this, talk is cheap, actions are what matter and he showed you who he is and what he's capable of. As your attorney pointed out, he's entitled to half of everything that was accumulating during the M, so file for D and STOP accumulating things for him, you have so much to lose and keep losing. I know that "love is blind" but most time the age difference is just too much, you're "lucky" he showed his true colors now as opposed to when you turn 70 and he 57, file for D now and protect yourself emotionally and financially, and of course get rid of this loser and next time try choosing someone that's closer to your age (preferably with grown kids).

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8578990
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 12:21 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

It is like he snapped. Combined that with the look in his eyes when we talk (almost manic, glazed, etc) and his inability to grasp what the reality of this means.

You're very new here at SI, but many of us have heard this before, and it's very concerning. At the discard, we often hear these same kind of adjectives describing the eyes of a narcissist, along with... blank, black, evil, dead, emotionless, soulless, vacant, etc. Now, that's not to say we can diagnose your WH from across the keyboard, only that this is a big red flag which puts us on high alert. Spend a little time looking into "how to identify a narcissist". You'll find it's not always easy. One would think they'd all fit the extrovert profile, but they don't. A person doesn't have to be a card-carrying narc to give you that dead-eyed stare, but I doubt you'll find one who doesn't at the discard.

Today, he seems better. But I'm inclined to agree that he's thinking about where his bread is buttered. Unfortunately, he's put you in a bad position with his choice to cheat so that unless you take away all the perks, you can't know if he's with you for love or for the lifestyle you provide. If you choose D, in most jurisdictions you'd have to split the asset/debt of what's been accrued the past four years and maybe pay him two years alimony. That's peanuts next to what he'll get at the ten-year mark.

I can't tell you what to do. It's your boots on the ground and you're the one who has to live with the consequences. I would just caution you to do your research and be as pragmatic as possible. When we're traumatized and in shock, it's so hard to be logical. Our emotions are so strong and all we want to do is go back to before the bad things happened. But this is the time to let your mind take the wheel and throw your heart in the trunk. If you can't keep him out of the vacation home, you might consider renting a place of your own.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8579045
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 3:01 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

So yesterday he was eating cake while seeing you crying.

Today it’s "I don't know what the hell I was thinking/doing"

What about tomorrow?

It feels good to know your SIL is on your side. It gives you more validation that what he’s doing is wrong and you’re right to be hurting. We tell you the same thing here. His cheating is 100% on him. In the long term though, it is best to rely on your family.

The question you need to ask yourself right now is, what is best for YOU?

I suggest that you don’t stay with him at the lake house. Take a few weeks away from him to allow yourself to take decisions that are best for YOU.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8579116
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Domina ( New Member #75082) posted at 7:29 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

His renewed desire to have children and talk of such with his AP stands out as the biggest red flag to me.

We have been talking and I have been hearing him say that he is panicking about turning 40 and not having children of his own. We tried when we first got together but I was just past the time and unable to get pregnant. We looked into adopting and then decided that our lifestyle worked better w/o a baby. Of course I've always been concerned that he would later change his mind. I am so completely sad to learn that they have discussed the possibility of having a child together (they just met a month ago!).

Assuming his cruel admission to wanting children with another woman was not merely some half-baked, twisted, arm-flailing justification for the affair, it seems he has indeed changed his mind.

If they discussed this possibility after only 1 month it would appear she is also “panicked” at the thought of her own waining fertility since she is ~40 and is considering having children with practically a stranger. It makes me wonder if one or both of them are desperate enough to bring an affair child into the picture.

Even if he exhibited true remorse and was willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile and care for you in the way you deserve, how can you be certain that he will ever be satisfied with not having biological with you? It seems like a huge deal-breaker in my opinion.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8579163
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 2:36 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Hope you are doing OK today Anniecakes!

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8579234
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Now he wants children???

Not so sure this is true. It could be part of the fantasy of his A and an excuse for him to cheat and justify the cheating.

Remember cheaters will use anything they can to blame the betrayed spouse. I’ve read some pretty crazy excuses here on SI.

My H had one of the best. He actually told me I only married him to spite my parents. Yes my parents did not like him at first. This was such a load of crap But it was something he made up to excuse himself for being a cheater.

Please know that it’s nothing to do with you. He’s looking for anything he can use.

I’m sure you are a bad cook, bad in bed, boring, too thin or not thin enough, not 25 years old, too smart or not smart enough, don’t agree on the furniture or dishes or color of the pain on the walls etc. none of this matters EXCEPT as a justification.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8579326
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 7:45 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

that with the look in his eyes when we talk (almost manic, glazed, etc) and his inability to grasp what the reality of this means.

Could he possibly be on drugs (and getting them from OW)? Be careful.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8579407
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Today is a hard day. The most depressed I've been yet. I've never actually felt this way in my entire life. Absolutely no energy. My belief (of course I know I could be entirely wrong) is that he is completely terrified of ending up with nothing. We've talked quite a bit and I think if he could snap his fingers and make everything disappear and go back to before he would do it. Now that everyone knows- my parents, children, etc- he knows that the odds of us making it out of this in tact is slim. Because of that he is afraid to abandon his A. I told him that I didn't have a back up and that he put me in that position against my will. He's being a coward who's afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of fixing himself incase he isn't fixable.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8579418
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Annie, sounds like you are kind of desperate to believe this guy is a normally wired human being. He is not.

Ask yourself if you, or anyone not disordered could display behavior like you have described. To recap, you have a man, 13 years younger than you, who had no real assets, who has hitched his career to your business and now finds himself with a house, a vacation home, and a variety of expensive toys.

Approaching 40, he starts an affair( probably not his first, IMO) with a woman considerably younger, and, within less than a month, is planning to have children with her.

Upon being busted, he refuses to leave and, incredibly, does some really weird stuff: expecting you to continue to interact with all his family, normally, reaching out to hug you around the waist as you walk by, lying about sending an NC message, eating lemon cake while watching you with dead eyes while you are suffering emotionally.

Ask yuh ourself what would you tell a friend or sister about th he prospects of staying with a person like this?

See the lack of empathy? That is the hallmark of a narcissist or sociopath.

I am glad your family knows and that you have a lawyer. I practiced law for 35 years. I came across a few guys like this. The scariest ones were not the tattooed bikers or the gang members. They were the guys that looked like choir boys or accountants, who would chop you up into pieces after killing you. Run from this guy.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8579430
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 9:29 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Now that everyone knows- my parents, children, etc- he knows that the odds of us making it out of this in tact is slim. Because of that he is afraid to abandon his A. I told him that I didn't have a back up and that he put me in that position against my will.

Not your problem ! please stop engaging and discussing your relationship, your WH is in an ACTIVE A, do a hard 180, at this point there's NOTHING to discuss other than separation agreement and D, btw have you file for D yet ? if not do it ASAP and end this farce of a M, and get rid of that loser.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:30 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8579466
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 10:28 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

He is going to be left with nothing ? This loser is about to take 50 percent of all the money you ever made and have a romping time with it

Its very very normal to feel sad , and its normal to want to believe some of his lies too , what you need though is a good therapist a very mean lawyer and self care .

Hope you find peace and clarity

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8579498
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Now that everyone knows- my parents, children, etc- he knows that the odds of us making it out of this in tact is slim. Because of that he is afraid to abandon his A

This sounds like he was with you because he had a good source of income. Now he’s weighing his options... how can he keep a good source of revenue? Stay with his wife and hope for R or... go with AP

Maybe I’m wrong, IDK.

But none of what you wrote above has anything to do with being a husband, a protector of your marriage, a person who loves you “for richer or poorer”.

Again, it would be best to spend some time away from him, to give yourself a break. Then you can decide what is the best course of action for you.

It’s really hard right now, but you’re going in the right direction and you’ll be fine

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8579513
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 11:07 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

I'm so sorry you are feeling down and everything seems to be hitting you. How was the talk with your SIL?

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8579522
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 11:49 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

I really am listening to everything you all are saying. There's just so much that doesn't line up though. When I met him I didn't have anything so it wasn't like he was there for my money. He actually helped me get out of debt and then my career took off from there. We really did work well together UNTIL he chose this path which was the ultimate spit in the face. I'm trying so hard to turn my sadness into anger. I prefer anger but it isn't a natural emotion for me. I am mourning the death of so much more than just him. Of all the times to be packing up and leaving my home for the past 18 years, where I raised my children. We have to work together to get that completed. We are civil though I wish I wanted to throat punch him. Every time he leaves I wonder if he's going off with her. Like it matters but I still don't want to see it. I mean 1 1/2 weeks ago I thought everything was normal. How do you make your mind do that flip so quickly? I did go look at an apartment in the area. It was very pretty but it made me so depressed. We were supposed to be doing other things with the proceeds of the house. We had big plans that we had been working on for 2 years. I NEED to find a way to WANT him to go far, far away forever. I NEED to not want my life back. I absolutely know that I will be in much better shape than him when it all plays out. I know that he is headed for a whole bunch of ugly. He's actually headed towards everything he always said he hated. All I can think about is that I'm so afraid to be alone and lose everything that we enjoyed so much.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8579542
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:51 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

Because of that he is afraid to abandon his A. I told him that I didn't have a back up and that he put me in that position against my will. He's being a coward who's afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of fixing himself incase he isn't fixable.

Be cautious not to project your empathy onto him. What you wrote above sounds like you're imagining how you might feel if you were in his position. But that doesn't explain the dead-eyed stare you got last time you confronted him or his decision to cheat in the first place.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8579543
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:55 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

I did go look at an apartment in the area. It was very pretty but it made me so depressed. We were supposed to be doing other things with the proceeds of the house. We had big plans that we had been working on for 2 years. I NEED to find a way to WANT him to go far, far away forever. I NEED to not want my life back. I absolutely know that I will be in much better shape than him when it all plays out. I know that he is headed for a whole bunch of ugly. He's actually headed towards everything he always said he hated. All I can think about is that I'm so afraid to be alone and lose everything that we enjoyed so much.

Of course you're sad and scared. Who wouldn't be? This is all new for you, and it's the most common kneejerk reaction for new BS's to want to return to the status quo. Be gentle with yourself.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8579544
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 12:07 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020

A few of you asked about my conversation with my SIL. She was very angry with both of them. Apparently her and her friend (AP) are going at it pretty hard. AP actually said to her that she thought she'd be excited because now she can tell her kids that her best friend is going to be their new aunt. WS and AP are both completely delusional together. She, thankfully, said that those kids love me and how is she going to explain this situation to young children? Typical selfish, fantasy BS. My SIL told her that she broke her family and it now appears they are not friends anymore. My SIL also called and screamed at my WS. Both the WS and AP are now mad at my SIL. Go figure, how convenient for them.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8579549
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 12:20 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020

You are doing exceptionally well , pain anger grief etc will all run their course . Luckily you already have children you already have your own career you already have a strong personality . And two dogs . You are way ahead of the curve

[This message edited by siracha at 6:21 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8579553
Topic is Sleeping.
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