Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
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Topic is Sleeping.
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 8:48 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

Now that he "seems to be" in "guilty mode" take advantage of that and have him call your SIL and brother and apologize for his "denial" when confronted, watch his reaction, make sure the call is made from his phone and put on speaker so that you can listen to it, SIL is AP's best friend and may not want to disclose/talk about some things if she knows you're listening, make sure you call them later to tell them you know, ask them more questions as necessary.

Do NOT give him time to "think about it", like others said if you do, he will have plenty of times to contact SIL and get their stories straight, it NEEDs to be done on the spot and right in front of you, while you're at it, expose to other "stakeholders", both set of parents, relatives and close friends WITHOUT warning.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8577524
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

You seem to have great control over your emotions , kudos on that

His “ but I havent cheated on you for 48 hrs when are you finally going to get over it “ suggests a man child to me

Even good marriages end , usually when people have integrity its through divorce but if you are his meal ticket a man with low integrity will cling to your money and just cheat smarter .

He took advantage of your trust during the adultery , dont let him take advantage of you again during R by doing it on his terms

You have to assume that he will be a high risk partner for at least 5 yrs , separate your finances now through the lawyer even if thats through divorce and re marriage

Explain to him that you simply will not walk on egg shells ,because you have done nothing wrong

He decided to cheat and now he has to grow up asap and accept how that has changed the marriage / future for both of you .

If he isnt willing to eat any shit in this marriage how does he expect you to eat the shit of his betrayal day after day for the rest of your life

R only works if you are both genuinely willing to eat shit for a few years till you hit a new normal . It only works if you both have real love for each other .

If he cant “ let “ you protect your finances or cant understand that R takes years you really should assume he is not a worthwhile investment ( most cheaters are not )

[This message edited by siracha at 5:38 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
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mae19681995 ( Member #57360) posted at 5:39 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am so glad to hear that you are getting in to see a therapist. There sounds like there are many issues that need to be dealt with so you all can focus on each other. Praying you find answers and can forgive and be whole again. Please be open and honest with each other. There are things that many of us don't want to deal with and that can really hamper our closest relationships. This is a process and please be patience with yourself and each other. Get to the truth and the root of this thing. The therapist will help with that. DO both of you want to reconcile?

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017
id 8577771
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

I have Verizon. I went into my account and blocked the OW from our entire account. Kids too. I was afraid she would become revengeful and call my children.

I had to update it every few months but there was NO way she was getting through.

In your case I suggest you continue he to check his phone for new apps or WhatsApp where you can call without detection.

Him being on the fence is a 🚩. My H ended his Affair. It then resumed a few weeks later. Another secret email account and very underground. I hope that doesn’t happen to you but I have seen where it can, especially if the cheater spouse really does nit want to end the affair or “friendship”.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8577779
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 6:18 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

If you have access to his phone and the password for FB you could install Messenger on your phone but have it logged into his account. You need to have his phone so you can catch the email that tells him it was logged into another device and delete that. Then you can catch him reinstalling Messenger and checking messages if he does.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 7:19 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

I've gone through his phone and looked for anything that was a possible form of communication. I have his email password and his phone password has not been changed, I still have that. There wasn't anything on his phone and I found that I can check his Messenger account on a computer without him knowing. He never changed that password either. The only thing I can't prevent is if he re-installs Messenger, messages her and then deletes it again. I was able to get her phone number blocked through T-Mobile so that she can't call or text in and he can't call or text out. I also control the code for our T-mobile account so I can see the bill. Right now he's doing everything I've asked. Lsst night, he told me he was going to run to the store to get a lock we need for our storage unit. I became visibly shaken and I told him that it was making me anxious. He agreed to stay home without any argument. I have to find a way to chill out a bit. The act of constantly hunting and searching makes the anxiety worse. I realize that if he wants to see or talk to her, there is only so much I can do. He sent the message I requested to her. It was final and clear cut and ended with Sincerely and his name. In the message he instructed her not to try to contact him in any manner because he won't be with her. That word "won't" to me was much better than the word "can't". He also made sure he acknowledged the pain he has caused and wants to make his marriage and his relationship with me work. I am truly hoping he is sincere. I am having a consultation with my attorney tomorrow afternoon and I think that will give me some peace of mind. I wish our counseling appointments were sooner than the 31st but at least they are scheduled. We each have IC appts set up and a MC appt.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577801
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 9:39 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

You're doing great, Annie. It might feel shaky and messy, but you're doing all the right things.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 10:08 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

Thank you. I needed that today.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577842
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 1:37 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

As someone else mentioned, I believe your committing yo reconciliation is premature. Surely, yuh ou must be aware that your husband is not the person you thought him to be.

You are doing well with the logistics, the monitoring, the conditions, hopefully disclosure etc. These are all the things necessary to potentially stop the cheating( although the on gh oil g commitment to doing all this monitoring is mind bogglingly exhausting, I would think.)

But take some time and try 5o envision what the future with th his per ssd's on is going to be like. Clearly, he lacks integrity at it and self discipline. He is close to 40, yet has no independent career, no money, no real prospects other than living off your accomplishments. That speaks volumes.

And, he is insensitive, with a low emotional I Q, as demonstrated by his inability to understand why more in person contact to break it off would cause you further pain. This screams lack of empathy, one of the hallmarks of a person with a personality disorder, one of the Cluster B disorders.

Take stock of him. How much do you know of his history? Why is he so unaccomplished at 40? Why is he so comfortable with lying?

I would seriously start investigating his past before doing anything else. Polygraph him re past cheating. Think about what the rest of your life will be like attached to a person like this.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8577878
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 1:40 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

I apologize for all the typos. My computer does some really bizarre stuff to my writing. I have no idea why.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:00 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

My H ended his affair (round one) with a 73 minute phone call. Such crap - but I put up with it. However his A resumed and we had a second Dday. That is when he finally showed remorse and started making and amends.

Your H is starting to understand what his affair has done. That is better than many of the cheating spouses that we read about here on this forum.

I think you are doing the right thing here. You are setting boundaries and he is understanding of them. That’s a very positive step.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8577885
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 2:08 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

Since you are the breadwinner, I'd highly suggest a post-nup. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I know several people who got much more than they otherwise would have in the divorce because their cheater signed a post-nup (and then relapsed again, which is sadly, unfortunately, very common). In my case, I asked WXH to sign a post-nup that would only come into play if he cheated again. He declined, saying I should trust him to be faithful

Please take care of your assets. I had to rebuild at age 33 after giving him half of everything, which sucked, but is much easier than having to rebuild later in life. The longer you are married to him, the more you will owe if you ultimately divorce.

You are so early into this; please make sure you are taking steps to protect future you.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 3:36 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

I’m doing just that. Meeting with attorney tomorrow and already changed my life insurance beneficiary to my parents. Even if the attorney says the post nup isn’t enforceable I’m going to present him with one. He probably won’t know either way. I haven’t committed to R yet. I just said the only way that would happen is if he did the 3 things I requested.

He actually did have a career but mine had the potential to expand drastically. Instead of hiring someone we thought it made more sense for him to join my team. That way we could travel and do more together. That has been beneficial but it puts him in a very bad position should we part. I’m hopeful but definitely not naive.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577911
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 3:57 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

You're doing great. Don't give him even an inch. Stick to your plan and your boundaries no matter what he says.

You should have him apologize or confess to his brother and SIL. Spring it on him so he cannot plan. Expose him and the OW. As you know, if he wants it to continue there is no way to monitor everything but shining a light on this behavior may make him realize how shameful he has been behaving before he does anything worse than what has already happened.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 9:58 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8577914
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 4:01 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

Look for a burner phone

posts: 3703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8577916
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 7:35 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

Well that went to shit fast. I’ve been obsessing over a burner phone all day. I couldn’t tell if my instincts were on to something or if I was just hurt from the earlier lies. We actually had dinner at my parents and it felt so normal. When we got home I could tell he was hoping I’d go to sleep. He kept getting up. He could tell I was agitated so he handed me his phone. That REALLY made me feel like there had to be another phone. That and the fact that he seemed happier, lighter today which I thought was odd a day after abruptly ending an affair with someone he claimed to be really falling for. I flat out asked him if he had another phone and then he got angry. The first time yet he’s gotten angry. He stormed downstairs and then I heard his truck drive away. His phone is with me so I now KNOW there is another. Like a crazy person I left too and drove by her house and a couple other spots looking for his truck. No luck. It is now 2:32 am and I am in for yet another, miserable night. I’ve lost 8 pounds since finding out just under a week ago. I’m trying to take care off myself but this is like being in a ring with a heavyweight. Most brutal thing I’ve ever been through. How will I find my way through this nightmare?

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577938
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:33 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

I hate to say it, but storming off and leaving the house is another red flag, particularly when the WS is overly reactive to something which doesn't make sense. If I put myself in that position, where I was asked if I had a burner phone and I didn't, I'd say so. If the questioning escalated, I'd be like, "hey, feel free to search". Even if I was miffed about not being believed straightway, I'd have to remember that I just got busted in an affair a few days ago so my word might not be good enough just now. Storming out is NOT a good sign.

I’ve lost 8 pounds since finding out just under a week ago. I’m trying to take care off myself but this is like being in a ring with a heavyweight. Most brutal thing I’ve ever been through. How will I find my way through this nightmare?

You'll need help, just like most of us do. I know it's going to be awhile before you can get into some therapy, but don't wait until you're sick before seeing your medical doctor. A little medication in mild dose can help you with your anxiety. And doctors see this stuff all the time, so you won't be shocking anybody. I waited way too long, until I was so sick to my stomach, queasy and in almost constant pain. Hell, I'd have divorced my WH on the spot if I had thought my stomach.

Deep breathing helps too. Look up "four square breathing" and try it during particularly stressful times. Remember that whatever happens, you're going to be okay. The pain and anxiety feel all encompassing, but they are not. They're temporary and finite.

((big hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:46 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8577946
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 9:14 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

I decided to pack all his clothes etc. I was almost done when he came home. He said he had no burner phone but was acting that way because he was planning to go see her. What a piece of shit. Now that he’s completely exposed he showed zero remorse and was cold as ice while he watched me shake and tremble trying to talk. He said he wasn’t leaving because this was his home and he just wanted to sleep now. That man standing in front of me tonight was a complete stranger.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577952
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 10:39 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

So my scumbag of a husband actually sent the NC letter to an acquaintance of ours and not to the AP. He certainly is going to be annoyed this morning when he finds out I blocked her number. It’s like he’s had a psychotic break. I’ve never seen anything like it before.

I also finally told his step dad who not wants to kill him.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577963
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 11:19 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

Annie,

I’m sorry it turned out that way. Do you have friends and or family to support you?

I don’t need to tell you that his behavior is a no go for R. Sending the NC to another recipient is pretty bad. He is still in the A, and that makes your choice pretty easy.

I’m not sure what blocking the OW number will accomplish at this point TBH. Just make sure to stay safe.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8577971
Topic is Sleeping.
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