Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Unfortunate newbie

Topic is Sleeping.
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Domina ( New Member #75082) posted at 12:52 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020

Oh he’s pissed at the SIL, is he? Hah. It’s no surprise that the lemon-cake-eating, dead-eyed narcissist would feel not shame, but indignation after his nefarious deeds were illuminated and summarily condemned by others. Someone else is to blame for the fallout of his egregious choices, of course.

It reminds me of a poem I came across on SI (I don’t remember the user’s name, unfortunately)

Narcissist’s Poem

That didn’t happen

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad

And if it was, it’s not a big deal

And if it is, it’s not my fault

And if it was, I didn’t mean it

And if I did......

You deserve it.

I read it often when I am trying to compartmentalize gaslighting behavior and emotionally disassociate from the narcissist I am currently afflicted with.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8579566
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 1:20 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020

Annie, start reading on the Cluster B disorders. This guy is disordered, no question.

I described similar behaviors to my divorce attorney, a law school classmate who had been a psychologist. She steered me toward researching these disorders.

I had been married for 12 years when I discovered the cheating. I loved my wife a lot, but had been overlooking a lot of abusive, narcissistic behavior for years. Once I researched these disorders, things began to make sense.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8579575
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 3:08 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020

I looked them up and I would say that he must strongly resembles the Histrionic Personality Disorder, not so much the others. He is always at the gym and is insecure but most people wouldn’t realize it. Very charming. Sometimes overreacts to situations. Ironically, cares very much about what others think of him. Others are not thinking very highly of him right now. The only one is AP.

My father in law called me tonight. He is very upset. Both sides of both families.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8579603
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 9:17 PM on Friday, August 28th, 2020

None of us can even begin to diagnosis someone we read about. What we can do is recognize behaviors. Really, in the long run that is what you should look at. Words are cheap. Over time actions tell you who someone really is. Lying all the time, being disrespectful to you, etc. Those behaviors might take years to emerge.

Btw, most personality disorders bleed into each other. Bpd and hpd. Npd and hpd. Occasionally apd and npd are present. Remember that most pd never see a therapist. They feel fine. It’s the rest of us who aren’t.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8580368
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 5:40 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I haven’t written in a few days. Had a couple of calm days. He wasn’t ready to get rid of the AP yet but told me that he would do everything he could to make me feel safe at home. For the last three days I haven’t seen him texting and he hasn’t really left my side. We have been talking and trying to communicate better. I had my first counseling appointment this morning and I think it was helpful. Also helpful is the anti-Anxiety medication my doctor prescribed, LOL. Tonight he asked me if I wanted to go grab dinner Out tonight, like we would normally do. I went. It was good until I initiated conversation. Margaritas probably weren’t a great idea. I did get him talking but then could tell he hit a zone where he is completely conflicted. It was real I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t trying to play a game, he is utterly torn. He’s having some sort of crisis about having children. I reallyFeel it is connected to the death of his mom and wanting to leave behind a piece of him. I do believe he wants to be with me but knows taking that path will forever cement the fact that children are not to be part of his life story. There’s not a damn thing I can do about that. Things got so heated on the way home that we agreed not to talk about it for the rest of the night. He walked off into the neighborhood while I cried in the car. When I came out I couldn’t find thim so I texted He didn’t answer so as usual, I assumed he texted her to come pick him up. In a moment of tears and desperation I actually texted her and told her she won. This is the first time I ever contacted her in anyway. I told her that I loved him so much that I was letting him go. I asked her to take great care with him and that he was in need of some serious help, professional help. I let her know I didn’t approve of how this all happened but I wasn’t going to fight for someone who wasn’t going to fight back. Turns out he just went for a walk and didn’t actually meet up with her but he was texting her. She shared the text with him. I was at the playground across from my house. He then called looking for me. he confessed that he read the text. I told him that I was done that I had planned to divorce him and he could have what he wanted. Oddly again, he completely shut that down and said this was too much for tonight. He’s really convinced that counseling appointments are going to help him figure out what to do. He mentioned a couple times that he is so afraid that we will get back together and this need for children will read it’s head again later and he will hurt me a second time. He said he couldn’t bear to do that again. I don’t want to be with a man who needs to be convinced to stay with me. I should be enough on my own. Right now, tonight, is the darkest I’ve ever felt. I tried to put on my big girl panties and Bitch slap my life into shape but I am so sad. The least that could be provided to those of us suffering like this is a freaking handbook. Up, down,Up, down and then sideways just to keep us on our toes. Fight, walk away, have pride, show love and empathy. AAAAAAAH! This completely and utterly SUCKS!

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8581572
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:24 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Is he in love with her or only wants a child. He could use a surrogate. It is done all the time.My gay relative and his husband did it and have the cutest kid.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8581586
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:59 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Turns out he just went for a walk and didn’t actually meet up with her but he was texting her.

He went for a walk... so he could text her. It wasn't for the evening breeze or for the exercise. It was so he could contact the OW.

He’s having some sort of crisis about having children. I reallyFeel it is connected to the death of his mom and wanting to leave behind a piece of him.

If it was truly just about having children, why would he have taken up with a 40 year-old woman? A pregnancy is considered "geriatric" when the mother is 35. The chance of Down's syndrome goes from about 1 in 1250 for a 25 year-old mother to about 1 in 100 for a 40 year-old. And as you already know, the chance of getting pregnant at all is markedly decreased. If he just wanted a chance to get into the gene pool, he could donate sperm.

I think this guy is enjoying his affair and that he's doing it at your expense. And I understand why you want to see something more profound.. I do. But I think you're giving him credit for more depth than he possesses. Certainly, every time he chooses contact with the OW, he also chooses to willfully increase your anguish, and THAT is the real problem.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8581599
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 8:11 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

You really seem desperate looking for signs that are really NOT there, you're in denial, he doesn't respect you. Save yourself from lots of heartbreak and STOP, STOP going out with him, STOP doing anything with him, just DUMP HIM and get tested for STDs and please don't call the OW anymore, she didn't win anything but a proven cheater and a liar, you deserve so much better, I know it's hard but please stop hitting that hopium pipe, he REFUSES to end his A, at this point you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, again file for D and end this farce of a M, don't tell him anything, don't telegraph your moves, just file for D and have him served.

posts: 2407   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8581601
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 10:09 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I think he is trying to make excuses for his horrible behavior. He choose to cheat because he wanted to have children? She's 40? Yea, after 35 your considered advanced maternal age - changes of her getting pregnate are much lower and the odds of having a child with a birth defect are much higher. I'm not saying that he isn't confused about if he wants to have children or not. I am saying that having a child isn't the reason he started this relationship and/or is reluctant to leave it. He is using it to blameshift. I'm not bad for wanting a child... you are bad for not being able to provide me with one.

The truth is that if your relationship has a chance a R he has to be 100% in. He is not. At best he is offering crumbs. "I won't leave her but I won't make it obvious to you?" That's just cruel. You can't take this rollercoaster.

This could go either way R or D but you need to do a 180 and start detaching. Start moving toward D. His plan is clearly to maintain both of these relationships for as long as he can. Read and implement the 180 (located in the healing library)

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8581605
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:34 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Read up on the hard 180. Then do it.

You are enabling him to cheat. You may not realize it but you are.

This has nothing to do with a child. Trust me. Because if it did he would not break up his marriage over it. He would find a solution for the two of you together.

His “I want a child” is an excuse to cheat. Period.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8581619
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 3:31 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Im so sorry for everything you went through

He wants out , your only choice is to be rejected once versus to keep coming back and make him reject you many times .

I dont believe the “ dying to have children “ thing for a second I think he feels you will be easier on him if he says that versus if he says “ Im dying to keep having sex her “which frankly seems more apt .

You already have a great life , let this loser out of it and let him live in the pathetic world he truly deserves with the degraded individual who he truly deserves

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8581674
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 12:50 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Annie, you are being played, big time. This guy is a manipulator with no empathy.

Hard as it is to face, the only reason he wants to keep his relationship with you is for money. And, he wants you to be ok with him having an affair partner while he uses you.

This guy is an asshole. You sound like you are accomplished. But, now you sound desperate. Do not let some scumbag disrespect you like this.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8581906
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 1:08 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

You are enabling him and he knows it. He knows he has all the power right now. This will not end well for you if you don't listen to all the advice you are getting. You are absolutely being played right now.

He is not looking out for you. You are inviting him to mistreat you. Stop. You are worth more. hE should be fighting for YOU. HE is not worthy of YOU. Stop allowing him to treat you this way. He knows what he is doing, it is intentional and it is not okay.

I'm so sorry you're struggling.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8581912
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Thanksgiving2016 ( Member #63462) posted at 1:33 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

she thinks all of the luxury items you have are going to be hers. she wants a vacation home of her own and as far as she is concerned a baby will guarantee that. she is clueless that you are the bread winner. this is about money for her. he can't move in with her because that wouldn't line up with his story about giving her the good life. he is biding his time with you to get her committed to him before you leave. He thinks having a baby with her will guarantee she stays with him. let them have each other. give him half in the divorce and be done. she will soon figure out he is not the well off man she believes he is. it will be too late for her. even if he leaves he can pay for that kid for the rest of his life. save yourself. he is sacrificing you for his benefit. just biding time.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2018
id 8581920
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Anniecakes I hope you're doing ok. I know all the advice can be overwhelming. Especially when you're on the Rollercoaster of emotions. Take what fits you and leave the rest. Take care of yourself. Drink water and if you can't eat try Ensure or protein drinks.

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8582462
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 1:44 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Thank you. I’m completely overwhelmed. We’re closing on our house on Tuesday and we have to be here together to move everything out. I can’t really do much until this part is done. He couldn’t have picked a worse time to be a cheating. lying, betraying, selfish asshole.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8582470
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 2:45 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

One step at a time, Annie, Just get through it with the goal in mind of being free from this miscreant.

I was on auto pilot, trying cases, winning them, while crying in the bathroom during recesses.

It takes time, but imagine finding this out later in life. I am decades out, old but happy. My kids and I are very close. Their mom is a distant memory, a nightmare, actually.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8582501
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childofcheater ( Member #33887) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Annie take care if yourself. Try not to get sucked in to his moods. I know it's hard. Only deal with what you need to for the house and that's it. Get that bridge crossed and then think about the rest.

Good luck and we're all rooting for you whatever you do.

[This message edited by childofcheater at 6:49 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

Me: 42 yo, him 41
Married 19 years together 23
3 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

posts: 540   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8582506
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 11:32 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I’ve been listening and doing the 180. Being pleasant but not overly. Just focusing on boxing up the house. A little confused as to what is going on with him especially since I’m not asking. He hasn’t really left the house all week and no sneaky phone behavior. He is very withdrawn and seems depressed. It is so weird to be living like this.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8583085
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 11:24 AM on Sunday, September 6th, 2020

Annie, how are things today? Keep moving forward with your life. There are still things for you to do in your life. Do not let this bog you down. You have achieved a lot in your life. This is just another hurdle to over come.

Just keep moving forward. You will get through this.

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8584109
Topic is Sleeping.
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