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The little cape cod and the huge lake house

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2020 23:16 PM

Right now my ex lives about three minutes away from me. It's so convenient for kid stuff. I love my house but it's small and not fancy. I'm making updates but it's slow going due to time restraints and the cost. Our old house was bigger (2600 sq ft versus 1500 sq ft) and more updated, and my 10yo daughter has occasionally made comments about how she dislikes this house. I try not to take it personally but I'm very proud of my little house so it does hurt my feelings a bit.

So ex's current house, the one near mine, is nice but nothing fancy. But he's purchased a lake lot about 25 minutes away from where we live, and while i haven't seen the house plans, based on the houses close by and my knowledge of how he is, I'm sure he's going to build a huge house. My daughter has gone on and on about how she and her step sister to be are going to have their own art room, and the set up of their bedrooms, etc.

I am just worried that as she gets to the age where impressing her friends is super important, she won't want to hang out at mom's basic little house. I mean, what teenager wouldn't want to impress their friends with a big fancy house on the lake? I cannot compete with this.

My guy is telling me not to worry but I can't help it. I know he's drama and a headache (my ex, not my guy), and he's hardly around, but as she gets older she won't care if he's there or not.

I want my home to be a place of stability and calm because I know with ex things are always chaos. But I worry that I'll just be boring to them and daddy will be exciting. Or his money will be. And then I feel guilty for not giving my kids enough credit.

Just ugh.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:38 PM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 8/15/2020 23:27 PM

Most people- kids included like the feel of a house. How comfortable they are being there. How welcome they are. The feeling of home. Iím not saying be her best friend but the parent who hears her and values her and her opinions. She will love the fun new house but yours will be home. It probably wouldnít matter how over the he top your house is now because it represents to her the separation of her parents. She just needs time. Start some fun traditions. Donít compete.

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2020 23:40 PM

Thank you Thanksgiving. ❤

Cooley2here posted 8/16/2020 10:10 AM

Donít be surprised if your daughter asks one day if she can live with her dad. They have tested the brains of teenagers and found that they go back to being about two years old emotionally. Evidently hormones are so overwhelming that common sense goes out the window. The only thing you can do, as a parent, is provide stability and dependability and love. You can hope that she will inherit enough of you genetically that most of her fathers craziness does not make it into her life. She is going to test both of you because sheís going to be a teenager. Just be yourself. Kids who have a good relationship with their parents just do better in life. If you have three or four rules that cannot be bent but you are flexible on all the others the two of you will manage just fine.

The1stWife posted 8/17/2020 06:18 AM

Donít let a kidís mentality gut punch you. Sheís a kid!

We live in one of the most expensive areas of the country. High high high taxes. My kids grew up with neighbors getting new cars every year. Big big huge houses. Designer everything. Kids getting $80,000 cars for being a senior in HS with a license.

It may be dazzling as a kid. But by HS my children could see what was real and where the material things in life get you. Nowhere. My kids had to earn their $ as young as 12. My children wanted a new $500 gaming system. We could afford it but said earn the $ for it on your own. And that is what happened. Earned the $ for it b/c we werenít buying it.

Your daughter may have a perk with a nice opportunity with a lake house. Itís not a competition. She will look back and be proud that you had your own house. You will provide other things other than a big house. Trust me.

My closest friends have the smallest house out of many friends. But itís the house everyone wants to go to. Best parties and get togethers ever.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:19 AM, August 17th (Monday)]

LosferWords posted 8/17/2020 17:12 PM

Hi Jana. I think home truly is where the heart is. Sure, he might end up with a big shiny new fancy lake house, and your daughter might really enjoy it, but it's fleeting. I think the memories that you have and continue to make with your kids in your house are so very important, because of you. When I first moved out of the marital home, I ended up going from a 2,400sqft home in a really nice suburb to a tiny 750sqft apartment in a fourplex. My son LOVED it, and still talks about it. I think comparisons can be so damaging. Also, kids can be total buttheads! I completely relate to that. I hope you are able to continue to enjoy the moments and make new memories in your lovely home.

JanaGreen posted 8/17/2020 19:33 PM

Thank you guys. Sometimes I get in my head about this wayyy too much. ❤

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