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Divorce/Separation :
WH has moved out and I'm moving here

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 Awan (original poster Member #72656) posted at 2:18 AM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

Hi, All. It's been a while and now the time has come that I move to this forum.

I want to share with you what's been going on with my life:

- WH has moved out 10 days ago. Watching him in a state of shock, begged for my forgiveness, for us to stay together and him collapsing on the floor crying like someone has died really broke my heart. I cried for 2 days straight but since day 3 until now I can honestly say I'm in a good place.

- IC is a game changer for me. It helps me to really shift the focus on my own healing, my own needs, things that I've overlooked and figuring out what I want for myself, what I deserve.

Those painful triggers are almost gone completely, I no longer have the urges for revenge, I'm at peace.

I completely understand why people here in SI highly suggest BS to go to IC immediately. I wish I can say thank you to all of you in person.

- I've been figuring out ways to forgive, move past the infidelity, reconcile with WH but in the end I've come to realized that cheating is a deal breaker for me. I would never trust him to be the father of my child and that alone is reason enough to divorce.

I don't know what I would actually feel when I'm officially divorced but I still have some time to prepare myself. Any suggestions or inputs would be highly appreciated

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8570371
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:37 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

My hope is eventually you feel nothing for him.

No hate or anything- just indifference.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8570495
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 Awan (original poster Member #72656) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

The1stWife,

I don’t hate him but I just can’t continue living as his wife. I do still care about him but not enough to reconcile.

Thank you for replying to me since day 1, The1stWife. I wish I can say this in person.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8570557
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 4:15 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

Hey Awan

I'm so glad for you that you have got to this place. I'm in a similar place. I know 100% that I don't want my ex back in my life, but I'm still sad, working through the emotions, I still have bad days interspersed with the better days. IC is a game changer for me too. I have had some self-revelations recently that have really shaken my sense of who I am - but in a positive way - that I don't think I would have faced without my current situation. I'm not saying that the infidelity was a good thing - obviously it's been a huge trauma that I never expected - but I'm determined to learn and grow from it and face things that perhaps I've avoided in the past.

A day at a time, is all I can say. I'm not the expert, and I don't necessarily have the insights that some of the folks on here do, but focusing on yourself and your own healing can only be a good thing for you right now.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8570580
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:24 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

I think it’s great you know yourself well enough to know yiu cannot reconcile.

So many try and fail for a whole host of reasons but it’s not always about the affair. Sometimes it’s the behavior after the affair that the betrayed sees in a different light.

As an example my H is a very very funny guy. People flock to him b/c he’s so funny. Women especially b/c he’s so good looking too. I never minded the flirty behavior before b/c I’m not a very insecure or jealous person. That was before the A.

Now? He knows not to cross the line. I have no patience Or acceptance for it. He doesn’t hug or get close to anyone I don’t know or approve. His own choice and his own boundary.

He now understands the disrespect he showed me.

What was harmless years ago I look at through a different lens and see things differently too.

Thanks to IC - best thing I ever did.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8570587
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betrayedafter20 ( Member #72875) posted at 4:35 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

Welcome, Awan. I remember you from JFO when I was there.

You will be glad to be here, now that you have made the decision that there will be no R.

This is a great forum for support and all the steps before and during D.

You sound like me when we first separated I was in despair - and then, suddenly - PEACE settled in. I hope the same for you.

I got here and have been here for a while. No steps forward on D yet. Had 2 consults. Nothing lit a fire under me yet but I know I will get there. I look forward to exchanging steps with you. ((hugs))

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8570832
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 Awan (original poster Member #72656) posted at 4:35 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

Outoflove2020,

It's perfectly normal to feel sad because you loved him with all your heart and he broke it.

Infidelity is for sure one of the worst thing that can happen in life but the way I see it now is if I can learn something or grow to become a stronger and better person because of it then the heartbreak/trauma won't go to waste.

I wish you all the best in your journey of healing.

The1stWife,

So many try and fail for a whole host of reasons but it’s not always about the affair. Sometimes it’s the behavior after the affair that the betrayed sees in a different light.

I used to think about this all the time. What if there was only 1 DDay instead of 3? What if he came clean the first time and chose not to lie to protect himself? What if this and that.

Truth is even if I only had 1 DDay I still can't continue living as his wife knowing that he cheated. It's just something I can never forgive.

I have so much admiration and respect for people who can reconcile and honestly deep down in my heart I really wanted it too for us, it's one of the main reason I joined SI.

Divorce is horrible but continue living while actively betraying myself is even more scary so I let go of my dream to reconcile and this time I choose myself.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8570833
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 Awan (original poster Member #72656) posted at 5:28 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

betrayedafter20,

It's unbelievable that it's only been 5 months since I first posted in JFO. I was a complete and utter mess and now I feel like I'm a different person. I'm glad to be here so we can give support to each other.

I hope the peace that I'm feeling right now will last. I expect to feel really sad and heartbroken when the D is final but I just hope the peace won't go away. I fought so hard to finally have peace.

Hang in there betrayedafter20, I'm rooting for your happiness and sending you lots of hugs

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8570846
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cbgrace1980 ( Member #64109) posted at 7:40 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

IC is the best!!! I'm glad that you are taking very healthy steps to move forward from infidelity. Cheating is certainly a deal breaker for some, including me. Keep up the hard work!

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8571104
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 Awan (original poster Member #72656) posted at 4:19 AM on Friday, August 7th, 2020

cbgrace1980,

Thank you, cbgrace1980!

It took a while for me to realize that cheating is a deal breaker but now that I’m finally here I feel immense relief, that feeling is like no other.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8571282
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