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I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 14

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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 6:05 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

SadieMae, it's a state of mind and emotion, just understanding and then acting on that understanding. I remember it being very very hard especially in the beginning to hear and see what my actions had caused, and not be filled with crazy amounts of shame. In the moment it was kinda like holding my breath but with my emotions. But, honestly I think the one thing that helped me most was educating myself heavily on the traumatizing effects of cheating.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 7:03 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

JBWD and Foreverlabeled and other waywards ,

Thank you for answering my question.

I have read that remorse makes the WS look back on the affair very differently. During the affair they see the affair including the sex as very exciting and attractive. After the affair the remorseful WS looks back on the affair including the sex with disgust and revulsion. I wish I could actually believe this phenomenon is true because it might help me get past all the sexual comparisons and mind movies I generate in my imagination.

Can you please help me understand how remorse makes the WS look back at the sex during the affair with disgust and revulsion when they thought it was so exciting during the affair ? Which perception is the truth ?

[This message edited by Username123 at 1:04 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

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id 8630901
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Darkness Falls ( Member #27879) posted at 7:24 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

For me, remorse was solely based on how my actions hurt my spouse. It did not change any of my perceptions of anything that actually, factually & emotionally occurred. I personally do not understand the mental shift that some WSs talk about, post-remorse, but that doesn’t make their experience any less valid than mine.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6310   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8630906
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 8:32 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

Darkness Falls,

What kind of affair did you have ?

How long did your affair last ?

Did you have a good or excellent relationship with your BS before your affair ?

Did you have a good or excellent sex life with your BS before your affair ?

Did you have a better sex life with your AP than your BS ?

[This message edited by Username123 at 2:33 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
id 8630922
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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 8:33 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

Username, imagine this.

Let's pretend you are at a party, you're celebrating and you have been drinking, you are having the time of your life. Everything thing feels great and it seems nothing could go wrong. You keep going back for drink after drink, because it tastes good and makes you feel good. You will definitely come back to party here.

Now you're drunk but its time to go home. You think its safe to get behind the wheel, you feel invincible, you're good, life is good.

On your way home though you hit a car, you kill the person driving, the person is your spouse.

Now, Username, do you think someone is going to look back on that party and think fondly? That its not going to fill them with disgust? Even if it was the best party they have ever been to, or the biggest party, or the most lavish party.. its always going to be associated with killing their spouse. That shit changes your perspective.

Idk if that was helpful but its all I got.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2513   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8630923
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 8:48 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

foreverlabeled and other WS,

Yes, that is helpful to an extent. I can understand the analogy of the affair to the party because I understand the fantasy experience of an affair and the experience of being drunk.

I do not understand the analogy of the sex to the party. As DarknessFalls said the exciting sex "actually, factually & emotionally occurred".

Does a WS just forget about the exciting affair sex because the party ( aka fantasy ) is ruined after becoming remorseful ?

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
id 8630928
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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 9:07 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

You asked how we can look back with disgust, sex is part of the affair fantasy.

Username, I say this gently because it's obvious how much it eats you alive. And I think that is normal. But for the last how ever many weeks we all have tried to help you with so many different perspectives and solutions, I'm not sure anything we say is going to help.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2513   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8630932
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Darkness Falls ( Member #27879) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

What kind of affair did you have ?

EA and PA with my ex.

How long did your affair last ?

5 1/2 months.

Did you have a good or excellent relationship with your BS before your affair ?

It was ok-to-good, I’d say. Some noticeable incompatibilities but nothing disastrous.

Did you have a good or excellent sex life with your BS before your affair ?

Again, ok-to-good, I’d say. Also some incompatibilities and less interest on both our parts compared to the very beginning, but it was normal.

Did you have a better sex life with your AP than your BS ?

Yes, always had, even when we were dating compared to when BH and I were dating. We were highly compatible in that area, amongst many other areas as well.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6310   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8630937
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 12:41 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

What is sex with their spouse like for most waywards after Dday ?

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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 3:15 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

foreverlabeled, best party ever/ best sex ever

a horrible consequence after does not change the

best party/ best sex every from being the best for it does not

lessen those feelings.

the consequences make the cost of attending that party, having

that sex does not make less good it just makes cost of doing

those things not worth the price paid, the consequences to be

faced.

guilt keeps the guilty party from recalling those high feelings.

the shame prevents them from fondly recalling how good the

sex was now. Their regret now does not reduce how good they

felt when they were having their affair sex.

darknessfalls, admits to sex with her AP was better.

username123, to you that DF divorced her BH, then remarried

her BH, recovery has stalled and she is in a bad marriage?

i think that if she had truly recovered she would be saying the

sex with her OM was different, or sex was fun because sex

is enjoyable to her BH. Because she would not want to be

crushing her BH. Impossible to recover a marriage when the

WW continues to crush her BH after D day.

username123, your WW had affair sex. BH at first place the

wrong emphasis on that was sex better. What matters is that

she had a PA, she has gone NC with the OM. WW cannot

undo having sex with the OM. a BH if he wants to recover he

has to accept this.

not accept it as it is ok but accept it as it cannot be undone.

if a BH wants to stay married his accepting that his WW had

a PA is a consequence the BH has to accept.

When a BH has a WW that goes NC, willing to talk about

her PA, wants to be a full time dad, does not want the kids

raised in a broken home a stepdad taking his place, forced

sale of his house, diminished standard of living, still feels

his marriage can recover if his WW is willing to do the work,

then he needs to let go of how good the sex was with the OM.

Celebrate that his WW came back and s doing all she can to

recover the marriage.

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id 8631092
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Darkness Falls ( Member #27879) posted at 3:57 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

oldtruck,

Obviously I don’t go around announcing to my BH that sex with my ex was better. And he (BH) may very well have had better sex with exes of HIS than with me. It’s none of my business who he considers to be a better sex partner, and it’s not relevant information to me.

Also, recovery from being an infidel has absolutely nothing to do with acknowledging that I preferred the sexual experience with one person over another. I am very sorry I broke my vows and hurt my H at the time of the affair. If I could go back in time, I would have divorced him cleanly and honestly if I wanted to be with someone else so badly.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6310   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8631107
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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 4:19 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

Their regret now does not reduce how good they felt when they were having their affair sex.

No, maybe not in the moment but the question is after the fact, now, looking back, how can you feel differently about it, how can it make you so disgusted with yourself.

a horrible consequence after does not change the best party/ best sex every from being the best for it does not lessen those feelings.

I have a different opinion, it can lessen those feelings. Facts and feelings are very different. It could be a fact that it was the best sex ever or better than with your BS. But, feelings can change how you look back on the fact. Again, I thought that was the question here? Who in their right mind can look back after taking one's life and FEEL good about the cause? Logically it just doesn't make sense to me unless you are a psychopath.

You know, I didn't understand the pain of infidelity, I didn't know how it effects people, I had zero experience. I mean don't get me wrong I knew it would hurt, but I didn't know it was so traumatizing and I didn't understand the levels of abuse. So, it was easy to have a good time and feel the excitement it was easy to compartimentalize...until I found myself in a crash course and remorse can be a real kick in the ass.

I can sit here and state a fact, it was good sex, I can also sit here and state my feelings about how repulsed I am for ever having sex with that guy, it makes my skin crawl, I cannot for the life of me muster up those excited feelings I had during my affair for my affair having been the death of my spouse.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2513   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8631133
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 4:24 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

darknessfalls, I was not attacking you, sorry if you felt that,

or I failed to use better words. My goal was for username123

to see that at a certain point he is placing the wrong emphasis

on how good his WW affair sex was and that rather his WW

cheated on him.

That how and why the view on how good the affair sex was

during and after the sex. How WW are motivated to respond

when in recovery or not, how the consequences motivate a

WW to respond.

How eventually he has to let go that his WW cheated on him

to recover his marriage. Counter productive to cling onto the

PA details while trying to get past that his WW had sex with

her OM.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8631134
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 4:29 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

foreverlabeled,

I like your discussion of facts vs feelings. Your post helped me.

I don't know much about your story.

Did you have a good marriage and sex life with your BS before your affair ?

My wife and I both agree we had a good marriage and sex life before her affair. Now everything is destroyed including me.

[This message edited by Username123 at 10:38 AM, February 6th (Saturday)]

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
id 8631137
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 4:33 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I can sit here and state a fact, it was good sex, I can also sit here and state my feelings about how repulsed I am for ever having sex with that guy, it makes my skin crawl, I cannot for the life of me muster up those excited feelings I had during my affair for my affair having been the death of my spouse.

foreverlabeled, thank you for being the first WW that has said

this so clearly after having read WW posts for decades.

They never admit that the sex was good during the PA.

Only that now after D day they are repulsed by the sex they

had with their OM.

What do you mean by "for my affair having been the death of

my spouse"

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8631138
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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 4:56 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

Oldtruck it was just a figure of speech. Also to tie in my analogy from above. Infidelity is often described as a living death.

My wife and I both agree we had a good marriage and sex life before her affair.

See, it doesn't matter what state your marriage was in, affairs happen in all types of marriages. Good, bad, and in between. But to answer your question, yes it felt like my M was in a pretty good state overall.

We had issues like many Ms do. What I did was allow myself to exacerbate on those things, alone, in my head, and thoughts are very powerful.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2513   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8631141
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Darkness Falls ( Member #27879) posted at 6:03 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

oldtruck,

No, I didn’t feel like you were attacking me.

I agree with you about one’s laser focus on the sex rather than the overall concept of cheating in the first place, but that particular member has chosen to focus on that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ To each their own.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6310   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8631153
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Username123 ( Member #77150) posted at 6:30 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

Foreverlabeled,

You said "What I did was allow myself to exacerbate on those things".

Are you saying your resentments led to your affair ?

My wife flat out admits that lust led to her affair. It was mostly a PA not an EA that started because she was very attracted to her AP and he started to show interest in her. She eventually went for it.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
id 8631158
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foreverlabeled ( Member #52070) posted at 10:40 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

No, I wouldn't say it was resentments. It was more like convincing myself my situation was no longer right for me, but I didn't want to change my life, so I tried to escape it for moments at a time in the most selfish and painful way instead.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2513   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8631206
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DaddyDom ( Member #56960) posted at 12:21 AM on Sunday, February 7th, 2021

@Username123,

If it helps, replace the word "affair" with "murder".

Now, "How did my marriage contribute to causing my spouse to have an affair?" to, "How did my marriage contribute to causing my spouse to commit murder?"

Hopefully, it is pretty obvious that nothing about your marriage led to causing your spouse to commit murder, or anything else. We cheat because we're broken in a way that allowed it to happen. Had your spouse been in a different marriage, they would likely have cheated on them instead. It's them, not you. WS's lack healthy boundaries. They lack self-respect. They lack empathy for others. And there is some sort of unhealthy need... it might be entitlement, or selfishness, or some desire driven by past trauma in their lives. No matter the "reason" however, the reason(s) are theirs and they are accountable for their own decisions. Even if you had been the worst spouse ever, your spouse still had a choice to make, and that choice reflects THEIR lack of dignity, authenticity and accountability.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1155   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8631229
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