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Feeling lost

angel2572 posted 6/26/2020 11:58 AM

So I am here because I recently found out my husband of 10 years has been unfaithful with 3 different women. I found out 2 he met in person when I thought he was away visiting his mother. The last one he was talking to online and over the phone. I had suspicions because I found him on a website for meeting people and saw him on chat talking to a women. He told it was only online. But I felt something wasnít right and I went on the website and basically just called him out in front of the other people and one of the meme era said he had a women in Virginia a while back and one in New York. I did my snooping and found hotel receipts for stays in those states the days he told me he was going away to see his mom. I feel so stupid and betrayed. We have 2 children together and one of them is special needs. I donít know how to cope with all this right now and still continue to be a mother. He wants to stay near his children and wants to remain in their life but says he feels disconnected from me but wants to be in my life I feel like he wants to do his thing and have me a side wife too. Iím so hurt. Iíve sought counseling. I just question whether it should be even worth it to try couples counseling. Hopefully someone can offer a point of view

EllieKMAS posted 6/26/2020 12:06 PM

Hey angel,
So sorry you are here and hurting. Please make sure to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, and drink lots of water.

You are NOT stupid. You did nothing to cause this. This is because of his choices and crap boundaries.

Right now he sounds like he is fully in cake-eater mode (you are exactly right when you say he wants to do his thing and keep you on the side). You do not have to let him 'be in your life' and tolerate his disrespect. Nor do you have to tolerate being his plan B.

As for couples therapy? If he is still in active A (which I think he is IIRC), then imho couples therapy is waste of time and money. Until he pulls his head out of his hiney, he is incapable of committing to therapy and to his M.

You will be okay no matter what shakes out - that I promise you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/26/2020 12:07 PM

First, I'm sorry you're here. It's a good place with good people.

So I am here because I recently found out my husband of 10 years has been unfaithful with 3 different women. I found out 2 he met in person when I thought he was away visiting his mother. The last one he was talking to online and over the phone. I had suspicions because I found him on a website for meeting people and saw him on chat talking to a women. He told it was only online. But I felt something wasnít right and I went on the website and basically just called him out in front of the other people and one of the meme era said he had a women in Virginia a while back and one in New York. I did my snooping and found hotel receipts for stays in those states the days he told me he was going away to see his mom. I feel so stupid and betrayed.

You shouldn't feel stupid - he betrayed your trust. You had no idea that his principles were so shitty. That's not on you, it's on him.

We have 2 children together and one of them is special needs. I donít know how to cope with all this right now and still continue to be a mother.

First thing you have to do is find out your options. Go see a lawyer. Then you need to heal. Don't commit to reconciliation or anything until you have had time to breathe and processed what has happened. It is traumatic and major. You will get better.

He wants to stay near his children and wants to remain in their life but says he feels disconnected from me but wants to be in my life I feel like he wants to do his thing and have me a side wife too. Iím so hurt. Iíve sought counseling. I just question whether it should be even worth it to try couples counseling. Hopefully someone can offer a point of view

His 'disconnection' is all because of his shit-morals. Counseling is a good step. He should be in counseling too. As for couples counseling - I'd say that's a bit in the future. I rushed into it and it was a mistake (although it did provide me the catalyst to find out that my STBXW had no intention of reconciling).

Bor9455 posted 6/26/2020 13:09 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 6/26/2020 22:00 PM

He wants to stay near his children and wants to remain in their life but says he feels disconnected from me but wants to be in my life

That doesn't sound like a very appetizing offer. Particularly not when it's in such wild opposition to the vows he made to you.

You know, my WH made the same mad claim... that he was "disconnected". And then he went looking for NSA sex, which of course is NO connection.
It's bizarre how their minds work when they're cheating. It's like they don't even hear the idiocy coming out of their mouths.

Anyway, I agree with all those who have recommended that you see an attorney and find out what divorce looks like. It takes TWO to reconcile, and both parties have to really want it. It's a helluva lot of damage to overcome, and lukewarm commitment doesn't cut it. Perhaps if your WH understands that you're not going to accept less than the 100% effort you deserve, he'll wake up and apply himself. And if he doesn't, you're well on your way to a cheater-free life.

I will share this with you though... Shortly after my own DDay, when my WH was still "lukewarm" in his desire to R, I remember having a conversation with him about what kind of relationship we might have in reconciliation. Basically, he was trying to figure out if I'd ever let him into my bed again. I looked him right in the eye and told him that yes, I did intend to have an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship with a man again... and if it wasn't with him, it would be with someone else. Bam! Have you ever watched a person's face closely when the penny finally dropped? It had never occurred to him that I might divorce him *AND* find someone new for myself. He thought I'd just grow old, bitter, and dusty pining over him for the rest of my life.

Next time your WH gives you some lame bullshit like "he still wants to be in your life", tell him straight up that once he's out, there won't be room for him. You don't plan on collecting dust, waiting on some shelf. They don't expect us to be strong, sweetie. They expect us to shrivel up and spend all our time crying. It's startles them when we show an aptitude for moving on and putting them behind us.

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